


Truth, Relevance, and Essentiality./Jade, Dave, and Karkat.

by TheHopeyMage



Series: Alternate Epilogues [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (brief mention of suicide), (bro mention), (cronus mention), (friendsim trolls mention), (vriska mention), Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Dirk not being transphobic but still not getting some things but hes trying asdfghjkl, Epilogue Multiverse Compliant, F/F, Flirting, Homestuck Squared Non-Compliant, I think this is what slow burn is, Loneliness, M/M, Meta, Multi, Pesterquest Non-Compliant, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Slow Burn, Slut Shaming, The Neverending Story References, Those are also the tags on my autobiography, Trans Character, Trauma, True Love's Kiss, these fuckers eat a lot of pizza oops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2020-09-30 10:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 95,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20445551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHopeyMage/pseuds/TheHopeyMage
Summary: A MSPA Reader writes an epilogue fic centered around Dave, Jade, and Karkat. Unbeknownst to them, this fanfic changes the shape of reality around them.





	1. Egberts Birthday

**Author's Note:**

> It doesn't go very smoothly, much like real life, so it wont just be fluff. Also i'm warning you now, Davejadekat takes a long time, and a lot of work.

Karkat Vantas opens an eye. After a moment of consciousness, he bolts up out of his Recuperacoon, splashing a little bit of slime onto the ground. God fucking dammit, he keeps having… startled mornings. He doesn’t know why, as he doesn’t have nightmares, as the slime in his Recuperacoon is new and should be preventing nightmares, but he keeps seeing things in his sleep. He supposes it stops nightmares, but maybe it doesn’t stop memories.

Karkat crawls out of his Recuperacoon and puts on a light sweater. Being the god of a new universe, Karkat has upgraded his wardrobe to black sweaters of varying thicknesses for different weather, as opposed to identical black sweaters like his younger years. Kanaya can pry them from his cold dead hands. He then does the troll equivalent to brushing his teeth and runs his prongs through his hair.

He walks out of his and Daves shared bedroom, through the hallway, into the kitchen/living room.

Karkat: DAVE?

Dave: sup

Dave is laying on the couch, Troll Kingdom news playing in the background as he looks at his phone and eats scrambled eggs. Seeing this, Karkat decides to microwave himself a Hotpocket.

Dave: yo its johns birthday again how the fuck are we gonna get him to actually get out and celebrate it

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW DAVE, HE SEEMS PRETTY SET ON NOT DOING ANYTHING. LAST SWEEP JADE PRACTICALLY HAD TO KNOCK HIS DOOR DOWN, AND LAST YEAR IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.

Dave: yeah it sucks so we have to stop his unhealthy isolationist shit hes started before it becomes like *a thing*

Karkat: I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S ALREADY A THING.

Dave: no dude three is a pattern were totally good as long as we dont let him not celebrate his birthday more then twice

Karkat: OK, WELL, THAT’S DUMB FOR MULTIPLE REASONS, THE FIRST OF WHICH BEING THAT IF THREE IS A PATTERN, WE’RE GOOD FOR ANOTHER YEAR!! THE SECOND REASON IS THAT THE PROBLEM ISN’T THAT HE DOESN’T DO ANYTHING ON HIS BIRTHDAY, THE PROBLEM IS HE DOESN’T DO ANYTHING *EVER*. HE’S BEEN COOPED UP IN HIS HOUSE FOR ALMOST A SWEEP.

Dave: yeah youre right i guess its just kinda human culture to not do shit to fix your life until some arbitrary yearly event like new years or some shit

Karkat: I’M SO SINCERELY THANKFUL THAT YOU AND THE OTHER HUMANS HAVE DECIDED TO SPREAD THE “WOW THAT FACT ABOUT YOUR CULTURE IS FUCKING STUPID” A BIT MORE EVENLY.

Dave sits up as Karkat sits on the opposite side of the couch.

Dave: well all that does is prove that we should get him out of this as soon as we can

Karkat: YEAH…

Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door, as it is gradually opened. It’s Jade.

Jade: hey dave!! Hey karkat!!

Dave: hey

Karkat: HELLO JADE, HOW WAS YOUR EXPEDITION.

Jade: fun!! lots of fun. :) what are you guys watching?

She leans over the back of the couch, placing herself between the boys.

Dave: oh i dont know whats going on we were just talking about johns birthday and how to get him out of the house

Karkat: AND DON’T SUGGEST LITERALLY USING YOUR SPACE POWERS TO FORCE HIM OUT OF HIS HOME, YOU TRIED LAST YEAR AND IT’S STILL JUST AS UNCOOL.

Jade dramatically sighs.

Jade: i mean i dont see why just going to his house and having fun isnt the most efficient way to get him to do something! i strongly doubt if we just went to his house and like, started playing a board game or watching a movie, he wouldnt join in!

Karkat: MAYBE, BUT THAT IS STILL BREAKING INTO HIS HOUSE. IT NEVER STOPPED BEING THAT.

Jade: :( fair…

Karkat: HONESTLY, DAVE, YOU’RE HIS BRO, YOU SHOULD JUST STOP BY AND LIKE, TALK TO HIM.

Dave: talk to him? like about what?

Jade: about getting out more!!

Karkat: YEAH, AND LIKE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO JUST TELL HIM “HEY EGBERT, GO HAVE FUN YOU DIPSHIT” JUST LIKE. MAYBE PLANT THE IDEA IN HIS HEAD TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT HIM MORE? OUTSIDE OF SENDING RANDOM FUCKING MEMES AFTER NOT TALKING FOR MONTHS.

Dave: yeah youre probably right thats not a bad idea

Dave begins Snapchatting John.

Jade: so, are you two planning on stopping by janes “birthday soiree” hehehe

Karkat makes a disgruntled face

Dave: yeah, okay, john gave me the green light to come over, so im gonna go do that see yall later

Dave heads out.

Jade: see ya!!

Karkat: LATER.

Karkat: JADE, PLEASE TELL ME THE STOPPING BY JANES HOUSE THING WAS A JOKE.

Jade: duh :p besides, even if you did like her, her birthday parties arent like family and friend get-togethers, they are practically business events.

Karkat: GOD, YEAH I COULD IMAGINE.

Jade: … well?

Karkat: HUH??

Jade: arent you going to ask me how my trip was? youre so rude!!

Karkat: I LITERALLY ALREADY DID.

Jade: oh!! huh i actually forgot, guess we just got right into the john conversation. i was just trying to mess with you anyway hehehe

She winks, Karkat groans.

Karkat: YEAH, I KNOW. YOU KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRY AND PULL DAVES FUNNYMAN COOLGUY SHTICK, RIGHT?

Jade: im not! i just think its fun :p

Karkat: I:B

Jade: ill take the fact that i dont have to try as a compliment though hehehe

Jade: thanks karkat!!

Karkat: FUCKING

Karkat: ANY TIME.

Jade laughs.

Jade: i missed you karkat :)

Karkat: YOU WERE GONE FOR LIKE A WEEK JADE.

Jade: a week and a half!!

Karkat: THAT FITS UNDER THE “LIKE A WEEK” UMBRELLA ASSHOLE, DON’T TRY AND MAKE ME SOUND INCONSIDERATE.

Jades expression goes a little sour. She starts watering her plants that are scattered around Dave and Karkats house. Jade isn't the type to be self conscious, but she admits, its hard to tell when Karkat is playing up how annoyed he is sometimes. She then sits down next to Karkat and looks at him with serious eyes.

Jade: karkat… do you hate me?

Karkat: OH JESUS CHRIST JADE.

Jade: no, not like that! I mean, i don’t mean that right now anyway hehehe. sorry, bad phrasing. i mean like, i don’t get in the way of your life, do i? i feel pretty confident that you just act standoffish to everyone, but I would rather ask because i hate the idea of you and dave dreading the day i come back from a long trip… and i know were friends and all, but-

Karkat: JADE, STOP, OF COURSE I DON’T MIND YOU, WE’RE FRIENDS. THAT’S NOT EVEN A QUESTION. I’M JUST KIND OF A JACKASS, YOU KNOW THIS.

Jade: yeah, hehe, you are.

Jade: sorry for taking it so personally :p

Karkat: NO, NO *I’M* SORRY. I DON’T HAVE TO TEAR YOU APART THE DAY YOU GET BACK.

Karkat: IF IT HELPS ANY, I MISSED YOU TOO. SO DID DAVE. I GUESS I JUST KINDA… I DON’T KNOW, IM USED TO YOU FUCKING OFF FOR A MONTH OR MORE AT THIS POINT.

Jade: oh! would… you like me to stay around longer?

Karkat: WHAT? UUH. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING LUSUS.

Jade grins and gives Karkat a hug.

Jade: thanks, fuckass!!

Karkat rolls his eyes so hard it hurts. Jade starts unpacking, and begins recounting her adventures with Jake over the past week and a half.


	2. Bro Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and John talk for a sec

Dave steps outside his house and looks up into the Troll Kingdom night sky. He isn’t sure why, but he couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. That’s probably just because of Karkat, but still, he thinks about it.

Dave hops into the air and sets through the sky towards Johns house. As he floats quickly past Hives of varying shapes and sizes, he absentmindedly taps at his phone. He thinks for a moment about how he, Karkat, and Jade are going to spend the night. It’s been a while since all three of them actually watched a movie together. Jade would be trying to force them to go outside and do something if it weren’t for the fact that she’s probably exhausted from the exploring with Jake English. Or at least tired of the outdoors enough to allow Dave and Karkat to be their usual indoor selves for a few days before making them get out and do something.

Dave arrives at Johns front door and rings the doorbell. After a while, he hears footsteps down Johns stairs and the door opens. John as a 22-year-old doesn’t look dramatically different from John as a 16-year-old, as he keeps his face clean shaven. Dave is too, but he’s just bad at growing facial hair. John doesn’t seem like he takes very good care of himself, but he does make a point to shave every day.

John: hey dave! come on in.

Dave: yo happy birthday dude

John: heh, yeah!

Dave walks in and sits on Johns couch. Johns house isn’t messy, but it hasn’t been cleaned either. Every single thing that has been there since they got to Earth C is still there. This place practically feels like a museum of Egbert, a museum of what suburban American life was like back on Earth A. John surrounds himself with that kind of life, the boy meets girl, man of the house goes to work every day then comes back saying ‘honey, I’m home’ story. It makes Dave wonder if his friend lets that take control of him, and if there is anything about John that doesn’t quite align with how he was raised to be. But if Dave Strider can’t admit something like that about himself, he knows damn well that John Egbert never would in a million years.

Dave: how have you been dude its been way too long

John: yeah, hehe, it has been way too long. i’ve been fine I guess.

Dave: fine I guess is like the most bullshit phrase anyones ever said

Dave: if someone told me they were having the worst day of their life i would be like

Dave: maybe mildly more worried about them then if they said ‘im fine I guess’

John: well, i’m definitely not having the worst day ever, ive got my bro here with me!

John gives him a friendly punch on the shoulder.

Dave: well thats probably the sweetest god damn thing you have ever said to me

John: thanks, i think?

John: anyway, whats up? whats on your mind, dave?

Daves mind flickers to Karkat. Then, for a brief moment, it flickers to Jade.

Dave: the economy, mostly

John: the… economy? whats up with the economy?

Dave: oh man

Dave: what isnt up with the economy

Dave: the economy is like a fucking nightmare where youre just living your life

Dave: getting groceries and watching tv shows that you don’t give a fuck about or whatever

Dave: when suddenly you look down and realize youre hundreds of feet in the air just waiting for yourself and the everything around you to fall down onto the unsuspecting world below you

Dave: whatever people down there looking up wondering how the fuck you got up there

Dave: like i dont know little dude, youre just going to have to deal with the fallout regardless.

John: …

John: you know, dave, you went off about that like its supposed to be a dream everyone has had, even though i have never been more confused by random shit youve said, and that’s saying something!

John: also i literally have no idea how the economy even works, so you would probably have to start at some pretty basic shit to get me to get it!

Dave: oh, yeah, uh

Dave: thats super not why I wanted to come over

Dave: what i *wanted* to talk about was your birthday

Dave: but unsurprisingly I got caught up in my wack version of small talk that mostly just involves me talking about random ass shit and then comparing it with some wild fucking metaphor

Dave: wow I really just called myself out there

Dave: anyway, do you wanna do something for your birthday

John: dave, this IS what i’m doing for my birth day!

Dave: oh, huh

Dave: i mean my original plan was to come in here like the party catalyst i am and like get shit started

Dave: but like, if you would rather

Dave: im so down just to hang out dude

Dave: ive missed you pretty fucking severely

The two friends sit at Johns couch and talk for hours. Dave snapchatted Jade and Karkat telling them that they are just going to hang out for a bit, and that everyone should ship the gifts from their kingdoms. The two talk about new Earth C movies, how their friends are doing, and so on and so on, but they both talk very little of how they are doing. The both of them have a lot on their minds, being bogged down mentally by things in their lives, Dave partially by the state of the economy, but mostly his uncertain relationship status, and John by some strange feeling he doesn’t quite have a word for yet.

Dave has a lot of love and joy in his heart. So does Karkat. Unlike Karkat, a lot of that love is for Karkat, but like Karkat, Dave has an incredibly difficult time actually expressing his love. Or is it more that he has a hard time admitting those emotions to himself. So long of being trained to repress things will do that to you. Johns issues are slightly different, as he didn’t need any training to repress his feelings. In this moment, Dave wishes he took a moment to tell Jade that he missed her, and in that moment, he wishes he took a moment to tell Karkat a lot of things.


	3. Vriska Plays the Vribraphone

Jade sits on the bottom stair, playing a tune on her Eclectic Bass. She doesn’t like to think too much about the lonely days she spent alone on the island, but there are certain rituals she had to pass time feel comforting in times where she doesn’t feel much stability. One of those rituals is playing her little friends (Her plants and Karkat) a sweet bassline. Ever so slightly, the music helps them grow a little bit taller, or at least she likes to think so! This trick noticeably doesn’t work on Karkat.

Karkat: JADE, I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT LIKE. HUMANS AND SHIT.

Jade: oh sure! hit me.

Karkat: WAS IT LIKE A CULTURAL RULE ON EARTH FOR EVERYONE TO LEARN AN INSTUMENT OF SOME SORT? BECAUSE LIKE, IT SEEMS LIKE LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE HUMAN HAS SPENT AN OBSURD NUMBER OF HOURS FIGURING OUT SOME SORT OF MUSICAL DIVICE.

Jade: karkat, your pool of human knowledge is like, eight, and that is being generous with how well you know the humans from the other version of earth.

Karkat: YEAH THAT’S WHY I ASKED INSTEAD OF MAKING AN ASSUMPTION. KNOWING LITERALLY ONLY 3 ALTERNIAN TROLLS HAS LITERALLY NEVER STOPPED YOU OR EGBERT FROM MAKING INCREDIBLY BROAD ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT OUR SPECIES. SO YOU ARE INCREDIBLY WELCOME FOR ME TAKING THE TIME TO ASK A QUESTION

Jade Rolls her eyes theatrically, and gives a long-tired sigh. It would seem like she was genuinely annoyed if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s sporting a wide smile.

Jade: anyway, to answer your question, no its not a species thing. its actually kind of how we first started really bonding as friends! music was never really like, our main thing, but its something we had in common! we even used to send each other tracks so we could play together and stuff!

Karkat: WAIT HOLY FUCK YOU MEAN DAVE SENT YOU A SHITTY REMIX OF ONE OF YOUR BASSLINES WHEN YOU WERE 6 SWEEPS OLD?

Jade: yes! but they werent shitty, they were cool!

Karkat: HAVE YOU LISTENED TO THEM SINCE?

Jade: … um… no, but-

Karkat: IS IT IMPOSSIBLE THAT A COMBINATION OF IT BEING FROM A FRIEND AND YOU BEING A FUCKING WRIGLER COULD HAVE INFLUENCED YOUR PERCEPTION ON STRIDERS “SICK BEATS”?

Jade: you like daves music too, dont act like you dont!!

Karkat: YEAH, BUT THAT’S DIFFERENT FROM DAVES MUSIC AS A 6 SWEEP OLD! THAT SHIT IS LAUGHABLE.

Jade: everyones got to start somewhere, dickhead :P like with my flute!

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FLUTE.

Jade gets a notification on her phone. As she briefly explains that a flute is like a metal stick you blow into to make high pitched noises, she opens a picture of Dave and John sitting together on Johns Couch. She takes a moment to appreciate John looking like he’s enjoying company for the first time in years.

Jade: looks like dave and john are going to be hanging out at his house for most of today!

Karkat: OH, OKAY. HOW ARE THEY?

Jade: they both look like they are having a good time :)

Karkat: THAT’S GOOD…

Jade: anyway, basically i was really bad at the flute, but if i spent as much time on it as i did with my bass, i could have gotten just as good with it! but you have to start at not knowing what the hell you are doing every time hehehe

Karakt: HUH.

Karkat: SHOULD…

Karkat: SHOULD I LEARN AN INSTRUMENT?

Jade: karkat, i would love to teach you how to play guitar or something!! :D

Jade: i can just imagine you tearing it up on an electric guitar hehehe

Karkat takes a moment to think about how fucking sick that sounds.

Karkat: I REALLY LIKE THAT IDEA ACTUALLY…

Karkat: NOT THAT I THINK I HAVE LITERALLY ANY KIND OF NACK FOR IT, AND ILL PROBABLY JUST EMBARRASS MYSELF, BUT AS LONG AS I GET TO HEAR YOU PLAY THE FLUTE, I THINK ILL BE OKAY WITH THAT.

Jade: hehehe, yeah, youve got big shoes to fill with how cool vriska probably was with the electric guitar…

Karkat: OH MY GOD, SHE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE FUCKING ELECTRIC GUITAR THAT’S JUST A FUCKING RUMOR. SHE JUST THOUGHT IT SOUNDED COOL AND LISTENED TO SONGS THAT INCLUDED IT A LOT.

Jade: oh huh, i could have sworn i heard someone say she played something…

Karkat: SHE DID BUT SHE NEVER TOLD ANYONE. SHE PLAYED THE FUCKING VIBRAPHONE.

Jade: holy shit how did you find that out??

Karkat: I DON’T REMEMBER, SOMEONE IN THE DREAMBUBBLES SAW HER PLAYING ONE, I THINK IT WAS MEENAH? I DON’T REMEMBER IT WAS FUCKING FOREVER AGO.

Jade: hehehe, thats so dorky.

Karkat: YEAH, I GUESS WE ALL WERE A LOT MORE LAME THEN WE MADE OURSELVES OUT TO BE.

Jade walks on over to the kitchen and begins opening some sort of Troll Meat Snack she has become quite fond of over the years of living in the Troll Kingdom. She peers over at Karkat, laying across the couch absentmindedly looking at the television.

Jade: hey, do you want to go out and get some dinner tonight?

Karkat: USUALLY YOU DON’T START TRYING TO UPROOT MY LIFESTYLE UNTIL MAYBE A FEW DAYS AFTER YOU GET BACK, WHATS THE OCCASION?

Jade: no occasion! Im just bored and want to do something!! and usually if we are going to watch a movie you or dave would have suggested one already :P

Karkat: WELL ONCE DAVE COMES BACK WE CAN GET THE FUCKING PARTY STARTED.

Jade: karkat, you wouldnt survive a day at one of the parties i go to.

Karkat: HA! YEAH, PROBABLY NOT WITHOUT WATCHING YOU GIVE SOMEONE THE ‘JADE HARLEY EXPERIENCE’

Jade: hey, what the fuck is that supposed to mean!?

Karkat: OH PLEASE…

Karkat thinks about what he’s saying a little bit to late after it comes out of his mouth.

Karkat: YOU AND I BOTH KNOW HOW PROMISCUOUS YOU GET AT THOSE PARTIES.

Jade: oh, and i guess we both know i just get together with anyone at any party??

Karkat: UM.

Karkat: NO?

Jade: oh my god!!

Jade looks furious, but sad as well. Sad that someone she cared about was saying things like this to her, and that the night had been going so well and it had to be soured.

Jade: please tell me you arent being serious.

Jade: if this is some fucked up joke im still pissed about this actually!!

Karkat: JADE COME ON NOW, I WAS JUST…

Jade: >:(

Karkat: UM…

Jade: just what? ugh, why cant you just fucking own up to something!!

Karkat often made rude comments towards people he cares about, but he kind of just made that his deal. A little personality quirk people in his life had to come to terms with, but over the years he’s been toning it down. Few people really put up with it, and no one puts up with it less the Jade Harley. She’s the first to call him out on his over abrasiveness, but this was different. Karkat wasn’t sure if she was pissed because of what he said, or if she was pent up from tons of things he said.

Karkat: LISTEN, JADE.

Karkat: I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN THAT.

Karkat: I WAS JUST BULLSHITTING WITH YOU, I…

Jade: ugh, now youre actively lying to me!?

Jade: like you *could* say sorry!!

Jade: but no youre just going to lay on ‘ITS FINE JADE, BEING A COCK ABOUT STUFF IS MY PERSONALITY!’

Jade sighs in frustration and starts texting as she walked towards the door. She looks at Karkat, expecting him to be mad and defensive still, but he just looks like a troll too stubborn to get himself out of the hole he dug. She’s used to fighting with Karkat. She usually does it for fun, but this time somethings on her mind, and just riffing back at him about this won’t help her.

Jade: im gonna go visit roxy and callie, dont wait up for me.

Jade: tell dave I missed him.

Karkat: WAIT, JADE CAN’T WE JUST-

Jade slams the door behind her. She doesn’t leave immediately, instead she stands there outside of Dave and Karkat’s house. She just got back, and now she’s walking away? It’s fine, Dave and Karkat will still be here when she’s less mad.

Karkat sits on the couch with his head in his hands. ‘Once again, my shit catches up with me,’ he thinks. He wonders if its soon enough to go chasing after her, but comes to the conclusion that if she doesn’t want to deal with him, she shouldn’t have to. He talks a good half hour to actually get up and do something. He thinks about how fucked up he is, and resist the urge to start bawling about this. He walks into the kitchen thinks about making himself something again, before just sitting down on the floor, head hanging between his knees dramatically. He’s about to text Dave when someone knocks on, then opens the door.

Karkat: JADE?

Dave: sup

Dave: what the fuck happened


	4. Space Pirates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade vents to Roxy, and Calliope is fucking great as always.

Jade is used to going place to place, but usually she visits for a while. This time, she just needs time away. There’s something pent up inside her about Dave and Karkat, that she just can’t shake. She can’t calculate it away. Of course, she knows why she’s mad at Karkat right now, but normally she would just clap back, or call him out and move on. But this time something was calling her to get to the root of what’s aching her heart. It doesn’t take a lot of soul searching to discover that the thing in question is love, as inconvenient as it can be.

She sends a message, requesting to spend the night, and starts heading towards the Carapace Kingdom.

Roxy: yo callie, mind if jade comes over tonight?

Calliope: of coUrse! bUt i thoUght she was staying with dave and karkat… :U oh dear, did something bad happen?

Roxy: idk she didn’t rly-

They hear a knock at the door. It’s Jade. Calliope approaches and opens the door. Jade looks like someone who was on the verge of angry tears but stopped themself.

Calliope: oh, jade, are yoU alright? come on in…

Jade: thanks, callie :( hi roxy, sorry for barging in on you two, is it alright if i stay the night?

Roxy: yea man im cool with that! callie you up for a sleepover?

Calliope: oh yes! That soUnds fUn ^u^

Calliope: bUt it seems as if there’s something wrong?

Calliope: is everything alright jade?

Jade: no, not really…

Jade: Karkat was being a dick to me, and i stormed off, but

Jade: i dont think thats it because if it was, I would have stormed off a long time ago and a lot more frequently :/

She sits down on their couch.

Jade: i dont want to be a bother, but is it alright if i vent?

Roxy: ofc jade…

Roxy sits down next to Jade, who currently has her head in her hands, seemingly exhausted. Roxy lays a hand on her knee.

Calliope: woUld yoU like me to get Us something to eat? 0u0

Roxy: ur the best callie <3

Calliope: ^u^

Jade relaxes. She sighs, lets her arms down, and whips her hair behind her, leaning back on the couch.

Roxy: why r u here jade

Roxy: whats goin on in that head of urs

Jade: im having

Jade: ugh

Jade: boy problems :/

Roxy: lol ive been there that’s 4 fuckin sure.

Jade: hehehe i thought you might be good to talk to since youre the most dave strider without being actual dave strider

Roxy: o shit what did he do

Jade: not much actually

Jade: im kinda madder at karkat right now?

Jade: youre just good to talk to in general hehehe

Roxy ok so what did THEY do?

Jade: i just feel..

Jade: well its wrong to say I feel out of place, because I feel really at home with them, they just have these huge walls up they refuse to take down, even for each other!! Its frustrating…

Roxy: I feel that, I feel that.

Calliope: I broUght food!! ^u^

Calliope brings in a large plate with four smaller plates, two plates of spaghetti, assumedly for the humans, and two plates for Calliope, and stacked with meat, the other, candy.

Jade: ill save mine for later, im not really hungry right now…

Roxy: so, ur mad at karkat, wtf happened.

Jade: he was just being douchey about me being ‘promiscuous’ and shit…

Jade: i dont know if hes like… pitch flirting, or… if im just taking it wrong? like, if i want to be in that kind of relationship should I just… deal with it? that sounds shitty…

Calliope: now, typical cherUb caliginoUs relationships are very different from trolls, but most of them resUlted in death… i mention this becaUse the rUles of oUr cUltUres were pretty toxic, so yoU might find it fortUitous not to so closely follow such rUles…

Roxy: tbf she doesnt really… not from earth anyway

Roxy: look, jade, I grew up on an earth that had all kinds of troll culture jammed into it, and i have a pretty good intuition for when peeps b waxing pitch for each other

Roxy: I think what he said to you was just mean, and its super okay for you to feel that way…

Jade: :( yeah

Roxy: and look, i love those 2 dumbasses, but u don’t gotta just let them walk over u and shit

Roxy: ur not really one to let people walk on u tho so u know that

Roxy: im just sayin, idk karkat super well, but its obv he cares about his friends, hes just shitty at showing it

Roxy: so like

Roxy: u gotta tell him what he did was shitty and if he refuses to apologize, thats on him I guess?

Roxy: lol am I making sence?

Jade: yeah…

Jades eyes drift over to one of calliopes plates, the one with large rare steaks. Suddenly she’s very hungry.

Jade: hey callie, can I have one of your steaks?

Calliope: why yes 0u0 here yoU are

Jade bites ferociously into the large hunk of meat, allowing the juices to flow into her plate below her. Ever since Bec fused into her, she’s acquired a taste for meat like this, although typically Bec would have it irradiated. Jade is unsure her body would survive something like that, but she doesn’t really want to risk it. Not that consuming radiation would be particularly heroic or just, but dying isn’t a particularly pleasurable feeling.

Roxy: i feel like i gotta disclaimer here, im p shit with ‘boy probs’

Roxy: ive got a p bad track record lmfao

Roxy: im not like

Roxy: fuckin lieutenant boyliker, exalted for their excellence at dealing with dudes.

Jade: hehehe

Jade: would that make me Captain boyliker :P

Roxy: omg no jade this sucks

Jade: hehehe yeah

Roxy: i were under any sort of captain it would b as some badass fuckin future pirate and I wont have it any other way

Roxy: plus, we gotta have callie on board!!

Calliope: ^u^

Jade looks at the two of them, curiosity getting the better of her.

Jade: so, like, are you two dating?

The two of them blush, Calliope hiding her face in embarrassment.

Roxy: lmao we dont like to put labels on shit

Roxy: but callies like super fuckin important to me

Calliope: the feeling is incredibly mUtUal. 0////0

Jade: hmmmm -_-…

Roxy: also like we kiss p often

Calliope: ROXY!!!!!!!!!!!

Roxy: wut is that not something were supposed to talk about?

Calliope: no, it's jUst..

Calliope: adfjUfjadslkjUsdkls

Roxy: hehehe

Roxy: cute

Calliope: it’s only happened like… foUrteen times…

Roxy: omg babe that is way too high for a ‘im tryin to downplay the amount of smoochin that goes down in this house’ number

Jade: hehehehe

Jade smiles at the two blushing sort of partners. She looks at Calliopes pile of candy on a plate. There are tons of brands, some chocolates, some more reminiscent of the lollypop that was passed around at roses wedding. She picks up a Toblerone and begins unboxing it, and then eating it.

Jade: you know

Jade: I hope that someday I get to be happy in a relationship kind of like yours :)

Calliope: im sure yoU will jade, yoU are very beaUtifUl and kind ^u^

Jade: aww :’) thanks!! you two are so sweet…

Jade begins picking out more candies and shoveling them into her mouth. Her dog form gave her a mild allergy to chocolate that she frequently forgets, so she moves to more of the hard candies.

Jade: also!

Jade: I think we should go back to the futuristic pirate thing?

Roxy: omg yeah there are some baller ocs just waitin to be made from that concept

Roxy: all bein up in that pirate aesthetic while also bein all in the future and shit

Jade: in space!!

Calliope: on a qUest to take technology from rich tyrants!

Roxy: omg im loving this so fuckin much

Roxy: we need to get down on the deets of these sweet space robin hoods stat


	5. Talking About It

Dave sits on one end of their couch, going through Troll Netflix shows in hopes to find something suitably brainless for the occasion. Dave did ask Karkat what happened, but it didn’t get any farther than Karkat berating himself and then berating himself for being so selfish as to berate himself over this, like its him who is hurt. Dave elected to distract from the situation rather then pry. Distracting from situations is his usual solution, but this time it may actually be the best solution to the current problem.

Karkat: SO,

Karkat: HOW WAS JOHN?

Dave: oh you know

Dave: as much of a shut in as usual

Dave: im glad I got to see him

Dave: i miss him

Dave: i was planning on like giving him this big speech about how he should get out there and live life but like

Dave: i was there with him closer to him then I had been all year so I was like

Dave: fuck it im gonna just appreciate this shit while im here and sow the seeds of actually doing shit for next year

Dave: movies are always shoving that appreciate what you have shit down your throat i thought i might actually do that for fucking once

Dave: …

Dave: anyway hes

Dave: he seems pretty rough actually

Dave: hes obviously not taking care of himself in there

Dave: not that hes fucking starving to death or anything but like if my self-care routine is more sound then yours youve got a fucking problem

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS A SELF CARE ROUTINE?

Dave: what

Dave: okay no that has to be a joke

Karkat: FUCKING WOW DAVE. REALLY? A JOKE?

Karkat: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING AS EGREGIOUS AS TO JOKE AT YOU.

Karkat: I KNOW WHAT A FUCKING SELF CARE ROUTINE IS, DESPITE EVIDENCE THAT MAY SUGGEST OTHERWISE.

Dave: lmao dude you say shit like that the exact same tone you do when you are actually asking a question

Dave: like you dont have to be embarrassed if you dont actually know something I ask ridiculous fucking questions about your culture all the time

Dave: that’s the point of being like a melting pot I guess

Dave: so you can like learn shit from each other and be less of a tool in your future

Karkat: BE A TOOL FIRST SO YOU CAN BE LESS OF A TOOL LATER.

Dave: exactly

Dave: paying my being a tool toll so I get tool protection for the future

Karkat: HAH!

Karkat: TOOL PROTECTION. I GOT THAT HUMAN REFERENCE! SEE, PREVIOUSLY OVERSTEPPING CULTURAL LINES IS ALREADY PAYING DIVIDENDS.

Dave: who told you about condoms this is a genuine question im so confused

Karkat: IVE BEEN TO A FUCKING PHARMACY DAVE. YOU REALIZE I FUCKING LIVE ON A PLANET THAT HAS TONS OF HUMANS?

Dave: so like did you see it on the shelf and ask the guy behind the counter

Dave: hey what the fuck is this shit

Dave: and he just looked at you in the eyes unwavering and said ‘shlong sock’

Dave: and you were like oh okay cool makes sense

Karkat: I READ THE LABEL.

Dave: what the fuck youre giving me an incredibly genuine expression right now

Dave: theres no way condoms have descriptions of what the fuck they are supposed to be on them now

Karkat: I MEAN IT MAKES SENSE? HOW ELSE ARE TOLLS SUPPOSED TO DISCERN WHATS FOR THEM AND WHATS NOT?

Karkat: IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’VE HAD A REASON TO BUY CONDOMS DAVE.

Dave: hey fuck you

Karkat: WHATEVER MAN.

Karkat: JUST STATING THE FACTS.

Dave: you leave the house way less then i do how are you more earth c cultured then i am

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW MAN, MAYBE YOU JUST DON’T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION.

Dave: yeah that tracks carry on

Karkat shifts to put his feet up on the couch and leans back on the couch arm as he pulls out his palmhusk and goes to Snapchat. He does want to vent to someone about what happened earlier today, just not to Dave. He feels incredibly safe around Dave, it just seems like they have established a tone of not talking about it tonight. He sends a text to Kanaya.

carcinoGeneticist began snapping grimAuxiliatrix

CG: HEY, HOWS ROSEKAN HOUSE?

GA: What

CG: OH, COME ON, YOU ALL CAN CALL US DAVEKAT HOUSE BUT IM NOT ALLOWED TO RETURN THE FAVOR? YOU'RE LITERALLY MARRIED. THESE DOUBLE STANDARDS ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUS, SAYING OUR NAMES ONE AT A TIME TAKES EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.

GA: I Suppose Its Fine You Just Havent Said It Before

GA: Pardon Me For Taking A Moment To Process The New Information

GA: Things Are Alright

GA: Rose Looks Like She Might Be On The Road To Recovery

GA: So Im In Particularly High Spirits

GA: How Are You

GA: Not Particularly Well I Assume Given Your Word Explosion Happened After I Had Said Only One Word

CG: YEAH. IM NOT GOING TO EVEN GO OFF ABOUT YOU CONDESCENDINGLY PREDICTING MY EMOTIONAL STATE BECAUSE GOING OFF ABOUT SHIT IS KIND OF ALL I EVER DO AND IT’S SLIGHTLY EXHAUSTING.

GA: What Happened

CG: I WAS A DICK TO JADE AND SHE GOT FUCKING PISSED.

GA: Oh Dear

GA: She Has Incredibly Thick Skin What Did You Say

CG: JUST MY TYPICAL SHIT, I THINK SHE JUST FINALLY GOT TIRED OF IT.

GA: Hm

GA: I Doubt It

GA: Is It Possible You Were Actually Mad About Something More Serious This Time

CG: WHAT POSSIBLE REASON COULD I HAVE TO BE MAD AT JADE!?

GA: Karkat

CG: OKAY WHAT WAS A DUMB THING TO SAY.

CG: I COULD FIND A WAY TO BE MAD AT ANYONE. AND HER INCESSANT FLIRTING SHIT IS OBVIOUSLY A POINT OF CONTENTION. TO THE POINT WHERE I JUST KIND OF EXPECT IT EVEN WHEN SHE ISN'T TRYING TO.

CG: WHICH JUST MAKES ME SEEM LIKE IM FUCKING LOOKING FOR IT.

GA: I Dont Have A Lot Of Insight Into The Situation But It Seems As If Living With Two Incredibly Pent Up Individuals Could Cause Some Friction.

CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

GA: Is It Possible That There May Be Some

GA: Some Something Between You And Dave You Arent Being Completely Forthcoming About

CG: FUCK THIS!

CG: NO IT IS NOT!

GA: Of Course

GA: Well If Not Then The Only Advice I Have For You Is Not To Beat Yourself To Death Over This

CG: HHHHHJKLASDFGHHHHHH

CG: THANKS, KANAYA.

CG: I APPRECIATE YOU LISTENING.

GA: Of Course

GA: Any Time

carcinoGeneticist stopped snapping grimAuxiliatrix

Dave takes note of Karkat actively spasming while texting and waits until he puts his phone down to inquire.

Dave: you good?

Karkat sits up with his knees up to his chin, faced across the couch, staring at Dave Striders shades.

Karkat: DAVE.

Dave: karkat

Karkat: WOULD YOU… WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS.

Dave: jesus christ

Dave: look im all good with being open and shit but that was the weirdest fucking way to start opening up

Karkat: OKAY?

The two boys are looking at each other in the eyes, brows furrowed, looking about as uncomfortable as can be. Dave’s head pulls back into his head.

Dave: well im feelin like

Dave: fuckin

Dave: um

Dave: i get the vibe that

Dave: maybe you are uncomfortable with the prospect of talking about shit

Dave: even though you literally just brought it up

Dave: and i dont want to like…

Dave: ugh

Dave: what are you feeling karkat

Karkat: HM

Karkat: YEAH THIS IS TERRIBLE, LETS GO BACK TO THE MOVIE.

Dave: …

Dave: okay yeah sounds good dude

They both look at the television screen for a good minute. The silence is deafening and the space between them feels vaster than any distance in paradox space. Dave looks at Karkat and scoots over towards him, pulling his arm around the back of Karkat’s side of the couch.


	6. The Beginning of Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are any tags I should use when it comes to Roses Illness please comment because i'm not sure what to tag for that if I should...

It’s been three days. Roxy and Callie go out for occasional strolls through the park and mornings at coffee shops, making them significantly better at going outside then Dave and Karkat, but Jade grows restless for adventure. Not literally restless though, as Jade is currently sleeping on Roxy and Calliopes couch.

Roxy and Calliope prepare breakfast, Roxy preparing an omelet for herself and Calliope preparing the same old same old. Over the last few days Roxy and Callie have included Jade in their sweet escapades as well as developing their OC’s together. Ex members of a star-trek esc piece keeping organization, they left the group together to explore the galaxy and save planets from being concurred and assimilated by their version of Earth, Caroline and her two alien friends Okian and Val are on the run and ready for whatever crosses their path! The one thing they can’t agree upon is the medium. Roxy thinks the story would work best as a novel, Jade believes it should be a TV show, and Calliope is convinced it would work best as a webcomic.

Roxy: hey callie, should we wake jade 4 sum hot dinner

Calliope: hehehe im not sUre, she looks so peacefUl!

Roxy: tru

Roxy: this house is usually only havin to deal with two cuties under its roof for this long idk how much longer itll be able to handle it

Calliope: looks like we’ve got a strUctUral cUtie crisis on oUr hands!

Roxy: lmfao ill just make some sausages and shell wake up

Jade opens a singular eye, and elects to close it again and wait for breakfast to be ready. After a while Roxy and Callie set their plates on the coffee table in front of their couch and wait for Jade to lazily stretch her back, sit up, then stretch her arms above her head with a biiiiiig yawn.

Calliope: rise and shine ^u^

Jade: good morning!!

Jade: is… this for me? :0

Roxy: lmao uve been awake for a while i can tell

Jade: hehehe yeah

Jade: still sleepy though!

Jade begins eating.

Jade: I was kind of indulging in the moment, but I dont think cherub diets are for me, no offence…

Calliope: none taken, i had qUite a similar experience when experimenting with hUman and troll foods.

Roxy: yo jade, got any plans?

Jade: uuuuuuummm no not particularly!

Roxy: k

Roxy: no real reason im just thinkin of shit to do today

Roxy: kinda feelin takin it easy

Jade: hehehe yeah I dig that. i kinda wanna go out and do stuff so i might… hit up rose and kanaya?

Jade: since im in the area hehehehe

Roxy: all good, we just chillin over here :3

Calliope: uwu

Roxy: omg callie wtf

Calliope: what?

Jade begins texting Rose. She knows that Rose hasn’t been in the best of health, so even if they aren’t able to do anything, checking on her would be nice.

gardenGnostic began snapping grimAuxiliatrix

GG: hey kanaya!!

GA: Hello Jade How Are You

GG: im feeling better hehehe

GG: how are you and rose?

GA: Also Better Actually

GA: What Was Wrong

GG: oh, just some drama with karkat :I

GA: And You Havent Talked Since Then

GG: weve gone longer without talking hehehe

GG: its just usually under the assumption that one of us is busy

GG: well, usually im the one whos busy lol

GG: that boy doesnt get out much :P

GA: No He Really Doesn’t

GA: None Of Them Do Really

GA: Unless You Consider Rumble In Da Pumpkin Patch To Be Getting Out

GG: jake leaves the house all the time!!

GA: Oh Yeah

GG: speaking of jake, im feeling kind of hyped to go out and do something, and i was hoping to gauge interest with you and rose :)

GA: Isnt Jake The One You Usually Call For That Kind Of Activity

GA: And Arent The Ones You Are Currently With More Active Than The Two Of Us

GG: well i just spent a week and a half with jake, and roxy and callie arent feeling it today

GG: how did you know I was here btw :o

GA: Karkat Told Me

GA: Also I Text Roxy And Callie Quite Frequently

GG: oh :/ what did karkat tell you?

GA: We Can Talk About It Later

GA: Or We Can Not

GA: Rose Isnt Quite Interested In a Jake English Level Adventure

GA: But I Think We Could Both Use A Walk

GA: Care To Come Over

GG: sure!!

gardenGnostic stopped snapping grimAuxiliatrix

Jades excited to spend some time with Rose and Kanaya. Rose and Jades relationship had been much more pleasant since after the game, but with her being sick Jades opportunities to talk have been less frequent, since every day it had seemed that talking alone took more and more energy. Luckily, Kanaya reports that Rose is feeling better! So, no time better then now to pay them a visit. For about as long as Jade can remember, Rose has been a part of her life, and she adores her friendship. Perhaps part of the bond that the four of them share comes from being the first people they all saw when they were born in a lab out of goo. Or maybe Jade just really loves her friends. Both are probable.

Jade thanks Roxy for the food. She tells them that when they figure out the details on the OCs they are working on together, it could make an excelent story. She dodges the word ‘show’ for now. Story will do. Roxy and Callie wave Jade goodbye as they sit crisscrossed on the floor in front of their couch.

The road between Roxy and Calliopes tower and Rose and Kanayas is a large wall that has alternating spires of gold and purple on both sides of it. It would be quite the walk if it weren’t for the fact that she can fly. Jade wonders to herself if Rose feels fatigue from flying, seeing as she used to occasionally not be able to walk. She also wonders how Kanaya is. She hopes for the best as she lands at the base of their tower.


	7. Don't tell Dave.

Dave is sitting on the floor. Not in a sad way, in a “I’m fucking bored so I have spent the better half of an entire day pacing and finding random places to sit down while on my phone” kind of way. Karkat is In front of his computer interacting with some message board. Dave would be joining him if it weren’t for the fact that he has been experiencing a bit of artist block when it comes to SBaHJ. He’s nearly done with his second published Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff book, but he doesn’t know how exactly to end it. The best part about being a literal god on Earth C definitely has to be the fact that you can make literally whatever the hell you want and people will eat it up. At least Dave thinks so. But publishing books really isn’t his style, he mostly just does it to flex. Even SBaHJ is just something he does on his off time at this point. Now would typically be considered his off time, but it just isn’t coming naturally to him today. He walks up to the room Karkat is occupying and knocks on the door frame.

Dave: hey

Karkat: HI, WHATS UP.

Karkat: GOT BORED OF WALKING AND SITTING IN STUPID WAYS?

Dave: dude why the hell do you think i was doing that in the first place

Dave: my boredom is so fucking powerful its like my brain is having a nuclear meltdown

Dave: except fucking nothing is happening

Dave: meltdowns are at least typically interesting to watch

Dave: nuclear or otherwise

Karkat: HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Dave: idk

Dave: i wanna do something new

Karkat: … LIKE?

Dave: jesus dude you could pitch in a suggestion or two

Karkat: I WAS JUST WAITING TO THROW IDEAS AT YOU UNTIL I WAS SURE YOU DON’T ALREADY KIND OF HAVE SOMETHING IN MIND!

Dave: oh fair

Dave: what if

Dave: we make dinner

Karkat: IT WAS AN OPTION NOT TO FOR YOU THIS WHOLE TIME??

Dave: no I mean like actually *make* something to eat instead of like fucking microwaving shit

Dave: and then like eat it at a dinner table not just at the couch while watching tv

Dave: i dont know why im just now realizing but not only is that something we have never done but ive literally never done anything like that at all before

Dave: it seems so like

Dave: like something that normal fucking people do all the god damn time

Dave: which i guess is a pretty reductive way of seeing like family dynamics and shit

Dave: like you don’t have to fucking gather the kids around the dinner table every night to consider yourself a real person with a head on a pair of shoulders

Dave: but im pretty sure we almost exclusively do the opposite so I guess what im saying is

Dave: its a new thing

Dave: uncharted territory

Dave: a strider first

Dave: at least with other people around

Karkat: SURE? ITS ONLY LIKE TWO SO WE HAVE A WHILE BEFORE AN ACTUAL DINNER TIME…

Karkat: ILL BRAINSTORM IN THE MEANTIME.

Dave: whatcha workin on there

Karkat: NOTHING.

Karkat steps away from the computer and begins walking out of their bedroom and into the kitchen, still shouting across the house.

Karkat: IM GOING TO CHECK THE FRIDGE TO MAKE SURE WE DON’T HAVE TO VENTURE OUT INTO THE UNFORGIVING SPRING WEATHER.

Dave: look im not saying im not an enabler when it comes to not going outside

Dave: because I am

Dave: but I can just go get stuff

Dave: youre the one with the outdoors hangup

Karkat: UGH, I DON’T HAVE A HANGUP.

Dave: lol alright man

Dave: although I will say thats what people with hangups say a lot of the time

Dave: not saying it confirms you do

Dave: but it seams like you might be at least hanging neutral if not up

Dave: that was dumb

Dave: we got shit for tacos?

Karkat: UM… I THINK??

Dave: im suddenly craving tacos

Dave: we definitely are not going to be able to exceed taco bell quality but the point of this isn’t to make it perfect its to make it.

Karkat: WE DON’T HAVE ANY GROUND BEEF.

Dave: oh shit

Dave: I thought you said we had the shit

Dave: that’s like the most important part

Dave: how the everliving fuck are we supposed to make any excuse for a taco with such a brainless omission of ingredients

Karkat: IT’S THE ONLY THING WERE MISSING!! YOU ARE SO DRAMATIC.

Dave: im just playin I can go get something

Dave: do we have anything we could use instead

Karkat: YOU ARENT TAKING ANYTHING OUT OF MY DOOR.

Dave: im not interested in beetle paste tacos dude

Karkat: OH MY GOD IM GOING TO PRETEND YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT

Karkat: I MUST KEEP YOU AROUND FOR YOUR GOOD LOOKS BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY DON’T HAVE ANY TASTE.

Dave: one

Dave: fuck you i have great taste

Dave: second

Dave: um

Dave: good looks?

Karkat: UGH SHUT UP.

Dave scoffs, face flushed. He tries to think of something dismissive to say but stammers and gives up, mumbling something to himself afterwards. As Karkat closes the refrigerator door he feels a hum in his right pocket, and takes a look at his palm husk. Its from Dirk of all people.

TT: Hey Karkat, I have a strange request, but its important.

TT: Can you come over to my studio?

Karkat looks at his palmhusk then looks at Dave.

Karkat: YOUR BROTHER JUST ASKED ME TO COME TO HIS HOUSE…

Karkat looks back at his palmhusk

TT: Try and get over to the Consort Kingdom ASAP.

TT: Don’t tell Dave.

Karkat puts his palmhusk back in his pocket and plants his face into his hands.

Karkat: WELL FUCK.

Dave: why whats going on

Karkat: IM NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING TELL YOU I GUESS FOR SOME FUCKING REASON.

Dave: what no that’s dumb tell me

Karkat: DON’T WORRY ITS SOME HUMAN BROTHERLY SURPRISE.

Dave: man thats sus as hell

Dave: tell him hi for me

Karkat: WILL DO. DON’T WORRY, ILL BE BACK BEFORE DINNER.


	8. The Road to Recovery

Jade arrives at the base of a large tower, not completely unlike the one she lived in for 13 years of her life. She knocks on the door and waits for some sort of response. If it weren’t for the fact that they were both already at the base of the tower they probably wouldn’t have heard it from their bedroom. Kanaya opens the door. And greets Jade, as does Rose. Rose is better, but she still looks tired. Her voice has the same energy but its raspy. Her occasional sardonic tone is intact, but it has to be paused by occasional rough coughs. The three of them begin to walk down a scenic path that goes through a lightly populated park.

Rose: I appreciate you coming over Jade. I’ve been shut in on account of illness for so long I was kind of wondering if I would ever get out again.

Rose: Which would put me in poor room to talk when it comes to John.

Jade: of course!

Jade: how long has it been?

Kanaya: About Six Months

Jade: well im glad youre feeling better :)

Jade: just make sure you don’t overexert yourself hehehe

Jade: if you need, I can fly you back home!!

Rose: How sweet of you.

Rose: I’ll take you up on that offer if need be.

Kanaya: The Main Symptom Is Gone At Least

Jade: oh?

Rose: Migraines, mostly.

Rose: But enough about my condition.

Rose: It’s been a little while since we’ve talked. How are you?

Jade: oh… im up and down hehehe

Rose: How are things with Dave and Karkat?

Jade: ugh

Jade: kind of bad right now actually…

Rose: I thought they might be. Typically, you spend a week or two with them after your long expeditions with Jake English. Not that it’s impossible for one to merely change a pattern, but I thought it might be something else.

Jade: to make a not very long story short, karkat was being a dick.

Rose: I presume more than usual?

Jade: kind of… it wasnt THAT much more extreme than normal but something just really got me about it…

Kanaya: He Did Message Me After The Event And This May Not Come As A Surprise To Anyone Who Knows Him But He Seems To Have Been Taking Inward Facing Anger Out On You

Rose: Not that that requires you to put up with it.

Kanaya: True

Kanaya: That Might Have Been The Least Illuminating Piece Of Information I Could Possibly Share

Kanaya: But My Point Was That He Was Probably Being Much More Of A Dick Than Usual

Kanaya: He Is Not Resentful Of You In The Slightest

Jade: hehehe I guess that’s a good thing

Jade: i barely even remember what we were talking about before he pissed me off…

Jade: something about like

Jade: vriska playing the vibraphone and then parties somehow?

Kanaya: Vriska Played The Vibraphone

Jade: hehehe yeah

Jade: pretty dorky, right?

Kanaya: We All Were

Kanaya: Despite Taking Ourselves So Seriously

Kanaya: Those Of Us Remaining Definitely Still Are

Rose: I can attest to that.

Jade: you two are doing a really good job of being therapeutic by the way hehehe

Rose: It’s funny, I think that’s the first time anyone has ever said that to me.

Rose: Between the four of us I feel that you always had a better knack at comforting others then I did.

Jade: awwwwww :)

Jade: thanks rose!

Rose: Any time.

Rose: Did you talk to John a few days back?

Jade: yeah i sent him a text.

Rose: This is the first year there wasn’t even an attempt to do anything. I worry about him.

Jade: me too…

Jade: I think hell come around though, dave had a good conversation with him

Rose: I hope so.

Rose: Hear about Janes party?

Jade: other then it happened? not really!

Jade: its a real shame, I used to be kinda good friends with jane the first year we arrived at Earth C!

Jade: but now its kind of…

Jade: yknow…

Kanaya: No Need To Explain I Entirely Understand

Rose: Needless to say, “W’know”.

Kanaya: I Do Hope We Do Something Next Year

Kanaya: It Was Nice To Have Some Sort Of Milestone To Look Forward To Twice A Sweep

Rose: I agree.

Rose: One of these days we should get the original crew back together, I think.

Rose: Just the four of us for a night.

Jade: that sounds really fun!!

Rose: It would be a good way to reflect on how much has changed, I think.

Jade: ill do my best to keep you from getting tooooooooo dramatic about it hehehe.

Rose: I’m not sure if I appreciate that or not.

Jade: it doesnt HAVE to be just the four of us if kanaya wants to come :)

Kanaya: Oh I Wouldnt Want to Intrude On Your Symbolic Meeting Like That

Rose: I’m up for it either way.

Rose: I certainly wouldn’t mind your accompaniment Kanaya.

Kanaya: You Never Do

Jade: omg hehehe

Rose: Oh dear, really going for the throat with suggestive inuendo here are we?

Kanaya: The Way You Just Said Going For The Throat Suggests To Me That You Are Egging Me On To Continue

Kanaya: As Happy As I Am To Oblige We Can Save It For When We Arent With Company

Jade: Oh I dont mind!!

Rose: ?

Kanaya: Yes

Kanaya: Surprise Noodle

Jade: dave and karkat are MUCH worse

Jade: at least you two follow through!!

Kanaya: Fair Enough

Rose: I suppose my subtlety has taken a bit of a downgrade during my illness

Jade: hehehe thats more than fine with me.

Rose: See, I feel that making note of the potential inuendo within that statement would be superfluous at this point

Jade: yes, yes it would :P

Rose: I suppose my character arc is to continuously become more and more forthcoming with meanings behind the things I say until you don’t have to look even an inch deep into anything, I say to gather my intentions.

Jade: hehehe I doubt that!

Rose: You are very good at telling people what you are thinking.

Rose: I used to consider myself good at not doing that, but over the years I believe being truthful entirely is quite the challenge.

Jade: i think thats okay, you dont really try and make all your sentences riddles like you did when we were kids anymore hehehe

Rose: I suppose…

Rose looks at Jade with a tired smile and puts her hand on Jades shoulder.

Rose: The truth looks good on you Jade. You’re good at telling people what’s on your mind, don’t lose that.

Jade: :0

Jade takes a moment. Yeah, Rose is talking about Dave and Karkat. Jade had always been good at telling people how she felt about them, good and bad. Maybe spending too much time with the two boys has made her dodge her feelings slightly as well? Maybe there isn’t any reason to let the feelings stir for another year and just get the confessions done?

Jade: thanks…

Kanaya: For What Its Worth Rose I Think You Are Really Good At Opening Up Now

Kanaya: Just Because A Thing Is Hard Doesnt Discount The Fact That Over The Last Four And A Half Sweeps You Have Grown To Be Much More Open To Talking About How You Truly Feel

Rose: Thank you Kanaya.

The Rose turns on her tippy toes to give her wife a quick kiss. Kanaya leans down and does the same.

Rose: This is a nice area, shall we sit?

The three of them take a seat on the grassy ground in the middle of this park. Jade heard a lot of things she needed to hear, and she begins to formulate the words she wants to say to Dave and Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, writing this: "god i wish this fic was about jaderosekan"


	9. The Immediate Self

Karkat has never really been close to dirk, only close by association through Dave, so the reason to why Dirk would want to talk with him privately alluded him. It wasn’t off the table that it genuinely was some sort of brotherly thing, but if so, there were probably less sketchy ways to get in contact then ‘Karkat, studio now, tell no one’. Earth C, for those without flying powers, but with large amounts of money, has a large railroad that connects the kingdoms. Traveling to the Consort Kingdom from the Troll Kingdom is no small feat, but luckily Earth C tech is pretty fast. Karkat approaches Dirks studio and knocks on the door. The door opens as dirks voice over an intercom tells Karkat that he is in the dining room. Karkat walks in.

The dining room is dimly lit, and at a table sits dramatically, Dirk Strider. Karkat is fine with the mood lighting as he’s been internally complaining about the brightness of the Consort Kingdom since he got there. Karkat pulls a chair and sits a corner away from Dirk.

Karkat: HEY DUDE, WHAT’S WITH…

Karkat: WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?

Karkat: IS THIS LIKE SOME FUCKED UP SHIT OR ARE YOU HERE TO TELL ME SOME FUCKING BIRTHDAY IDEA FOR DAVE.

Dirk: Fucked up shit.

Dirk: Karkat it’s me, when is it not fucked up shit.

Karkat: I GUESS THAT’S FAIR?

Karkat: BUT IT’S A PRETTY LARGE GUESS AS ITS NOT LIKE I FUCKING TALK TO YOU ALL THE TIME.

Karkat: JUST LIKE AT 'GET TOGETHER'S AND SHIT.

Karkat: SO, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Karkat: WHATS SO IMPORTANT I NEEDED TO TRAVEL THE LENGTH OF AN ENTIRE KINGDOM?

Dirk: Alright, alright, ill lay it down for you.

Dirk: But I’m going to have to lay down some lore first so bear with me for a goddamn second.

Karkat: FINE.

Dirk: I’m a Heart player. My aspect has pretty much ruled how I must relate to different versions of myself, as Sburb was all about making you face different versions of yourself pretty much constantly.

Dirk: At least it did for me.

Dirk: So, I’ve always been very close to different versions of myself.

Dirk: And not close as in ‘Oh we’re tight as hell’. Close metaphysically. Linked, if you will.

Dirk: Ever since the game ended, more and more, I’ve been getting… memories.

Dirk: Memories from versions of myself I didn’t know exist, memories from timelines I never lived.

Dirk: And versions of myself that are more closely related to myself.

Dirk: A lot of these versions of myself did some pretty fucked up shit to say the least.

Dirk: I’m hard to fuck with Karkat, so when I say this shit is fucking with me, it’s fucking with me.

Dirk: The only reason I’m lucid and not balls deep in visions and shit, the only reason I’m able to make a rational fucking decision and talk to you instead of indulge all the shit coming into my brain is because they stopped a few days ago.

Dirk: After months of this shit, almost a year, it stops.

Dirk: And suddenly I had a moment where I realized, ‘wow, I actually thought all that horrible shit’.

Dirk: …

Karkat: WOW, UM.

Karkat: THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT SUCKS, REALLY DUDE, BUT WHY IS TELLING ME GOING TO HELP YOU?

Dirk: Because you’re the closest person to him, and I’m not sure how to talk to him anymore.

Karkat: OKAY BUT FUCKING WHY??

Dirk: Because I have memories from his bro.

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: OH GOD.

Karkat: YEAH, OKAY I-

Karkat: FUCK.

Dirk: Karkat I know exactly what he did, and for months I felt what he felt. For a second I even saw through his eyes. It took everything within me to resist that shit.

Dirk: For once, I don’t have a genius plan for this one.

Dirk: I don’t know what the fuck to do.

Karkat: WELL DON’T FUCKING TELL DAVE, THAT’S FOR SURE.

Dirk: No fucking shit.

Dirk: That’s like, obviously off the table.

Dirk: And if I were formulating a plan for any amount of time that wouldn’t even be on my list of things to do for a goddamn minute.

Karkat puts his hand to his face, rubbing his eyes with his finger and his thumb. Dave brought it up from time to time, but he didn’t like talking about his childhood. When Dave did talk about his childhood, it was almost always about the horrible things he had to endure, all with the underlying notion of, “bro did this to me”. And that guy, the guy that made it so that Karkat has to watch movies before Dave to make sure he doesn’t have a panic attack? That guy for even a second was in Dirks head.

They don’t talk constantly, but Dave is close to Dirk. As Karkat understands it, having a version of his guardian that cares about him was the biggest reason he could stand to move on with his life. The true source of closure from that part of his life, and opening that part of his life up again shakes Karkat to the core to think about.

Karkat: LOOK.

Karkat: TAKE IT FROM ME, A TROLL WHO NONSTOP BERATED ALTERNATE VERSIONS OF MYSELF AS WELL AS THIS FUCKING VERSION OF MYSELF FOR SWEEPS.

Karkat: THE WEIRD SHITTY THINGS DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF YOURSELF DID DO NOT PERTAIN TO YOU AND SHOULD NOT GUIDE YOUR ACTIONS. IF I GOT MY NOOK IN A TWIST BECAUSE SOME RANDOM KARKAT GHOST IN THE DREAMBUBBLES STUCK HIS BULGE IN THE BACK OF A LOAD GAPER, ID BE A FUCKING MORON.

Dirk: I get that, but that’s never how it’s worked for me. My splinters are different, I have a responsibility for-

Karkat: BULLSHIT. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Karkat: I DON'T MEAN TO SEEM TOO HARSH ON YOU DUDE, BUT IF I LEARNED ANYTHING FROM TEREZI BEFORE SHE FUCKED OFF INTO THE FUCKING VOID FOREVER, IT'S FIRST: THAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND SECOND: TO GET THE FUCK OVER MYSELF.

Karkat: SO, MY ADVICE TO YOU, IN THE MOST CARING WAY POSSIBLE, IS GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF.

Dirk: …

Karkat: GETTING BOGGED DOWN BY HIS OWN BULLSHIT IS EXACTLY HOW OUR PRINCE WENT FUCKING APESHIT AND KILLED A BUNCH OF HIS FRIENDS. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.

Dirk: Am I? You said yourself, you don’t know me that well. I don’t know if I am better than that. I don’t know if I even can be better. Everything in my life seems to point me in one inevitable direction, and that’s…

Karkat: LISTEN TO ME YOU SELF IMPORTANT DOUCHE. YOUR FRIENDS CARE ABOUT YOU A FUCKING LOT. YOU’RE IMPORTANT TO DAVE.

Karkat: JUST LIKE, WAIT A BIT SO YOU CAN GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER. YOUR FRIENDS NEED YOU.

Karkat: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE THE CENTER OF A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE UNIVERSE, YOUR FRIENDS NEEDING YOU WON’T EVER CHANGE.

Dirks face is stoic. It always is. But now it looks forced. It looks like he’s using all the power in his body to stop himself from breaking down into tears. Karkat can tell in this moment, he’s thinking about Dave. He’s thinking about Roxy. He’s thinking about Rose and Jake.

Dirk: Fuck.

Dirk can tell Karkat is coming from a place of experience. He cared about Karkat as only really to the point of him being Dave’s sort of boyfriend. He never thought of Karkat as someone who he had common ground, someone who maybe went through something he went through. He didn’t expect Karkat to be able to help. Dirk brought Karkat here in one last ditch effort to have someone to argue with himself with before the visions came back and he went off the deep end. Somehow, one thread away from falling into the murky black depths of the mind of all his alternate selves, he found the last remaining piece of himself he didn’t want to kill. He found that piece of himself in a small angry man who shouts words of endearment at his loved ones, and that seemed to track in Dirks mind.

Dirks fist falls to the table.

Dirk: Sorry for like…

Dirk: Making you come all this way and shit.

Karkat: IT’S OKAY MAN.

Karkat: I MEAN TRANSIT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS BUT WHATEVER.

Karkat: ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?

Dirk: What?

Dirk: Yeah. I’ll be fine.

Karkat: I HAVE PRACTICE…

Karkat: DEALING WITH MYSELF

Karkat: AND WHILE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WOULD HELP SOMEONE DEAL WITH MY SHIT.

Karkat: I HAVE INSIGHT ON HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN SHIT.

Karkat: AND IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE YOU THAT, IM HERE.

Dirk: Thanks.

Dirk: Fuck, it’s gonna be late as hell by the time you get home.

Dirk: Want me to give you a ride?

Karkat: NO, I CAN GET ON A TRAIN, I DON’T NEED ANYONE TO FUCKING CARRY ME, IM ELEVEN. I’M A GODDAMN ADULT.

Dirk: Alright dude.

Dirk: Hey, Karkat?

Karkat: YEAH?

Dirk: If you need anything, feel free to give me a call.

Dirk: It can be nice to talk to someone who’s gone through some of the same shit you do sometimes.

Karkat: YEAH MAN.

Karkat: OF COURSE.

Karkat: YOU HAVE MY TROLLIAN AND MY SNAPCHAT SO LIKE.

Karkat: THE FEELINGS MUTUAL, BASICALLY.

Karkat begins gathering himself to leave. He’s going to have to hurry to catch the train.

Dirk: dude, let me at least like give you a ride to the train station. Getting a cab is going to take way to long.

Karkat: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A CAR, YOU CAN FLY.

Dirk: I think they look neat.

They get to the train station and Karkat thanks Dirk for the ride. Karkat tells Dirk not to be a fucking stranger, and gets on the train. Dirk had a lot of voices in his head telling him everyone’s against him, but maybe, just maybe, they were against a Dirk, not every Dirk, not this Dirk. Maybe this Dirk can be different. God he hopes so.

Karkat texts Dave, telling him that he’s going to make it to dinner.


	10. Pizza and Spaghetti With a Side of Feelings

gardenGnostic began snapping GUYS STOP FUCKING CHANGING THE CHAT NAME ITS CONFUSING

GG: hey, do you two mind if I come over tonight?

TG: uh

TG: its cool with me

CG: YEAH.

CG: I DON'T MIND

TG: were trying to come up with dinner plans atm

CG: HEY, HERE'S A NOVEL IDEA, WHY DON’T WE TRY GRUBLOAF OR SOMETHING!

TG: come on man

CG: WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO BE *ME* WHO TRIES HUMAN DISHES?

CG: DO YOU KNOW JUST HOW MANY HOT POCKETS IVE EATEN?

CG: I'M THOROUGHLY INDOCTRINATED INTO YOUR CULTURE!!

CG: I THINK IT’S ABOUT TIME YOU TWO TRY SOMETHING FROM MINE!!

TG: look, we can continue this discussion when you get home

GG: wait, karkat where are you?

CG: ON A TRAIN TO THE TROLL KINGDOM, I TOOK A TRIP TO THE CONSORT KINGDOM.

GG: :0 why?

CG: IS IT FUCKING UNHEARD OF THAT MAYBE I JUST NEEDED TO GET SOME FRESH AIR!?

GG: quite unheard of :P

TG: i mean i havent heard it

TG: i think he was just running some errands for my bro idk

TG: probably some kickass fuckin birthday surprise

GG: your birthday JUST happened dave!!

TG: must be *pretty* kickass if they are starting now

CG: ILL BE THERE IN A COUPLE MINUTES.

GG: ill be there in 15!!

gardenGnostic stopped snapping GUYS STOP FUCKING CHANGING THE CHAT NAME ITS CONFUSING

Jade breaths in and sets her phone in her pocket. She’s still kind of mad at Karkat, but tonight she plans on getting to the root of the problem between them. Between all three of them. She picks herself up and gets ready to set out back to the Troll Kingdom.

By the time Jade knocks then opens their front door, Dave and Karkat are arguing, Karkat selecting a movie and Dave in the kitchen.

Karkat: I SWEAR, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY YOU REFUSE TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND ABOUT THIS *ONE SPECIFIC THING*

Karkat: OH, HI JADE.

Jade: hello!!

Dave: hi jade

Dave: listen dude its not even unheard of for humans to eat bugs

Dave: fucking tons of humans did

Dave: I just dont know if me trying it for the first goddamn time should be with meatloaf made of fucking maggots

Karkat: YOU’RE SAYING THAT LIKE IT ISNT APPETIZING!

Karkat: NOT THAT GRUBLOAF IS THE BEST TROLL DISH IN THE WORLD BUT COME ON!!

Jade: you two are such dorks omg

Jade: youve been living in the troll kingdom for THIS long and you havent tried anything?

Jade: even ive tried grubloaf dave.

Dave: fucking where and why

Dave: they sell that shit at restaurants?

Dave: could you imagine a human restaurant having fucking meatloaf on the menu

Dave: its ridiculous

Dave: its basically telling the customer that you don’t give a fuck what they are eating

Dave: just give us your money and well toss whatever slop we have onto your plate

Dave: after our meatloaf why not try our meatsmoothie

Dave: fucking stupid

Dave: anyway

Dave: did it taste good?

Jade: grubloaf?

Dave: yeah

Jade: why dont you try it and find out!!

Dave: that sounds like you are trying to get me to eat something ill puke but alright

Jade makes a grossed-out face at Karkat when Dave isn’t looking.

Karkat: WELL IF MY TASTE IS TOO FUCKING REFINED FOR YOU, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST!?

Jade: why don’t we just make three different things like we always do?

Karkat: BECAUSE DAVE WANTED TO HAVE THE GENUINE HUMAN DINNER EXPERIENCE.

Karkat: WHERE YOU SIT AT A TABLE AND MAKE SMALL TALK WITH FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH THE WHOLE TIME.

Dave: eh im kind of over it

Dave: im making a pizza what do you two want

Jade: spaghetti!!

Karkat: CAN YOU PUT MY PIZZA STUFF ON HALF OF IT?

Dave: ill make two pizzas

Karkat: MY PIZZA STUFF IS ON THE BOTTOM SHELF ON THE RIGHT.

Dave: jade you are so lucky we have shit for spaghetti i dont even remember why we got it

Karkat: YOU WERE CRAVING PASTA THEN FORGOT.

Dave: lmao oh yeah thats totally why we have spaghetti noodles

Dave: mama mia papa pia time for somes spicy meatball

Jade: …

Karkat: …

Dave: anyway

Dave: karkat get the show on ill be right there

Karkat: ALRIGHT.

As Karkat sets up a suitably ignore-able Movie, he sighs and looks over at jade, who has sat down on the couch next to him and is currently watch Dave get out the frozen pizzas and other ingredients.

Karkat: HEY JADE…?

Karkat: SORRY FOR BEING A DICK THE OTHER DAY.

Jade: aww.

Jade: thanks karkat :,)

Jade: i forgive you, i had other stuff on my mind that was upsetting me, so it wasnt just you.

Karkat: YEAH, SAME HERE ACTUALLY, SAME HERE.

Karkat: I KNOW I CAN BE SHITTY BUT YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND AND YOU DON’T DESERVE THE BRUNT OF UNDESERVED SHIT.

Jade: hehehe thanks. youre a good friend too!!

Jade: also, good job making the first step into real talk territory for once!!

Karkat: OH COME ON I'M GREAT AT REAL TALK.

Karkat: I'M FUCKING CONSTANTLY KEEPING IT REAL.

Dave: lmao yeah karkats the realest

Karkat: FUCK OFF STRIDER.

Dave sits on the leftmost side of the couch, with Karkat and Jade to his right, scooting Karkat into the middle.

Dave: im making you fucking pizza dont talk shit

Karkat: GOOD POINT.

Dave: in the oven btw

Dave: waters boilin for those noodles

Dave: got this cooking thing on lock

Jade: looks like both of you are making strides in getting better at stuff you never do hehehe

Dave: oh fuck yeah

Karkat: OH FUCK OFF

Dave: making strides is what I do

Dave: they call me the Dave Stridemaker

Dave: cus of how often I fucking stride

Dave: or make strides or whatever

Dave: if I had to pick some sort of second name to describe what I do it would have to involve that aspect of who I am

Dave: some sort of family name for a bunch of people who stride

Dave: is stride hard a good die hard pun or is it shitty

Karkat: IT’S DEFINITELY SHITTY.

Dave: alright thanks just wanted to make sure before I spent a good 30 minutes making an elaborate parody of die hard but with me in it in my mind

Jade: dave, are you not going to do it anyway?

Dave: it will probably happen

Jade: something being shitty is usually a motivator FOR you to make something.

Jade: thats why its cooooool remember?

Dave: what on gods great earth makes you say that jade

Jade: there is literally a sweet bro and hella jeff comic hanging up on a wall in this house!!

Dave: yeah I don’t have a clapback for that

Karkat takes a look at the pinned comic on the wall behind them, and sees jades plants along the ground in their little bottles and pots. Dave gets up and tends to the pizzas, cutting slices for himself and Karkat, as well as getting the noodles onto a plate and putting sauce on the top. He brings the plates to the other two and sits down.

Karkat: OH, JADE, BY THE WAY, I FED YOUR PLANTS WATER WHILE YOU WERE GONE.

Jade: aww you did?

Jade: thats sweet, but I got plants that dont need to be watered that often so I dont need to constantly be here to keep them alive :P

Jade: but it’s the thought that counts hehehe

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: YEAH NO SHIT WHY DIDN’T I REMEMBER THAT.

Jade: if I had to guess you were feeling bad and wanted to do something to make it up to me

Jade: very sweet karkat hehehe

Karkat: ALKGJFGLJKLGJFDLKJLFKDHGA

Jade: hey…

Jade pauses, looks at the TV, then moves her body so she is facing the two boys completely now. She has a bashful and sincere look in her eyes and a small almost nervous smile.

Jade: since we cracked the seal on that bottle of real talk…

Jade: can I talk about…

The room goes completely silent and Karkats eyes are open so wide thy look like they’re size of dinnerplates.

Jade: jeez I havent even started yet! i need to tell you how I feel…

Jade puts her right hand on Karkats knee in an attempt to sooth him.

Jade: and i feel like

Jade: you two need to talk about how YOU feel!

Dave: nah

Karkat: NO.

Jade: ugh!!

Jade: listen… i

Jade: you two never even hold hands! have you kissed each other yet? its been like… nine years!!

Jade: that just seems crazy that you two havent even really directly talked about how you feel yet!!

Jade: emphasis on DIRECTLY, because you two are indirectly hinting at your feelings all the damn time!!!!

Jade I think… there might be an arrangement that would work out for everyone involved…

The two boys look like the fear of god has struck them. Dave attempts to stammer out a ‘but why would we kiss that doesn’t even make sense i havent ever kissed karkat what even” but he ultimately just makes a bunch of impossible to hear mouth noises.

Jade: i like you two.

Jade: i make that pretty obvious.

Jade: and never once have you ever disengaged with my flirting!!

Jade: it seems pretty clear to me that theres

Jade: theres something here????

Jade: you two act like moirails for each other, dave and I have a lot of chemistry, and im pretty sure youve been pitch flirting with me since you met me karkat!

Jade: so theres really nothing in the way of us… trying something out…

Jade: if you want to.

Jade: i mean like, quadrants are dumb, so ideally, we would just all kiss

Jade: but-

Karkat: HEY JADE!!!!!

Karkat: I'M GOING TO CUT YOU OFF HERE.

Karkat: I THINK.

Karkat: IF YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW THEN WE MAY BE ABLE TO FINISH THIS MOVIE WITHOUT HATING IT AFTERWORDS.

Jade: none of us have been paying attention to the movie karkat :p

Dave: while that may be true, i uh…

Dave begins making more stammering mouth noises. Karkat is clearly uncomfortable. Jade sighs and slurps up the last noodle on her plate.

Jade: if you dont want to, just say so. i just need to get that out there so maybe some progress can get made!

Jade gets up and puts her plate in the sink, rinsing it for a moment before putting it in the dishwasher.

Jade: I actually made plans to stay with Rose and Kanaya tonight.

Jade: I want to give you two space so you can really talk about whats going on feeling wise. no rush…

Jade walks over to the couch. Dave and Karkat look like they are trying to hold each other in shock while also trying to stay as far away from each other as possible.

Jade: you two mean the world to me.

Jade: no matter what happens, I will still be your friend <3

Jade: goodnight…

Jade leaves a dog girl shaped hole in the room as she heads out of the troll kingdom. Dave and Karkat look at each other. A moment of silence is shared between the two of them. A moment of careful consideration of what to say next. Minutes pass.

Karkat: THAT WAS WEIRD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act One: Emotions
> 
> Special Thanks to the DaveJadeKat discord for help picking a groupchat name lmfao


	11. Johns Birthday

turntechGodhead began snapping ectoBiologist

TG: dude

TG: dude dude dude

TG: twenty fucking three my man

TG: damn

TG: hows it feel?

EB: hi dave!

EB: um, it’s alright!

EB: feels pretty much the same as before lol.

EB: I know this is kind of sudden but…

EB: do you wanna come over?

TG: oh man totally

TG: is this one on one bro talk just gonna be like a yearly thing we do now or what

TG: i mean im down for that i just wanna know so i dont get any scheduling conflicts in the years to come

EB: no actually, im inviting everyone!

TG: oh man holy shit

TG: imma tell karkat

TG: man john thats so cool

EB: right!?

EB: I invited jane but I guess she has business stuff?

EB: she used to love our double birth days but whatever I guess.

EB: I haven’t texted jade yet, do you know if she can come?

TG: she told me she was going to a party today but i know if you tell her youre celebrating your birthday shes gonna jump on that shit

TG: surprised she didnt send you a bday text already

EB: lol she did, I just didn’t decide I was doing this until now.

TG: fair enough

TG: when should i come over

EB: as soon as you can or want to I guess.

EB: I didn’t really think of a schedule?

TG: fair nuff

TG: ill gather karkat and i and well be on our way

EB: are you going to text jade or should I?

EB: are… you on talking terms?

EB: er, texting terms?

TG: what yeah of course

EB: alright, it just seems like I hear about her crashing way less recently.

TG: she still comes over

TG: I think shes just kinda doing her own thing more often

TG: idk

TG: if you want me to text her i will

EB: ok, sounds good! ill see you soon!

TG: see ya

turntechGodhead stopped snapping ectoBiologist

Dave screenshots the beginning of the conversation he just had with John and sends it to Jade, detailing under it that he was totally right about planting the seeds of socializing in his brain. He prepares himself for liftoff and tells Karkat, who was in his Recuperacoon recovering from his late binge watching from the previous night. Karkat was on his palmhusk, which Dave thinks of as pretty dangerous considering it could fall into the slime, but Karkat says he’s very careful. The two of them head out to Johns house.

There, Dave puts Karkat down and they knock on the door. Three simultaneous ‘come in’s greet them as they enter the room. John looks out of practice, maybe a little overwhelmed, but not completely uncomfortable.

John: hey guys, glad you could make it!

Kanaya: Hello There

Roxy: yo dave and karkat whattup

Dave: not much

Dave: what are we all up to

Calliope: we were recoUnting stories of oUr experiences on earth c!!

Rose: However, we shifted conversation to attempting to bully John into sharing with us a piece of music he’s been working on.

John: yeah, I was pretty stoked that callie was trying to change the subject back actually!!

Dave: woah wait john youre still writing music?

John: kind of? I get bored sometimes!!

Karkat: GIVE THE MAN A BREAK, HE’LL SHARE IT WHEN HES DAMN WELL PLEASES.

John: thank you karkat!! see, somebody gets it!

Dave: wheres everybody else?

John: uuuuh Dirk and Jake just wrapped an episode apparently, and…

John: did jade say she was coming?

Dave: yea she rsvped

John: then that’s everybody, I think!

Dave: aight cool

John and Calliope sit at the couch while Roxy sits on the arm of the couch. Rose stands by the stairs while Kanaya sits on one of the steps. Looks like the place has actually been swept. Impressive. Jade bursts open the door.

Jade: hey everybody!!

Jade: what did i miss???

John: hi jade! nothing really, dave and karkat just got here.

The room goes through the ritual of explaining what they are doing again, which is admittedly not much. In fact, by the time they are done, Jake and Dirk show up, and they go through the ritual a third time. The party soon ties themselves into a few conversations that shift who’s participating in them every now and then. Laughs are had, and it’s a lot like things are back to how things used to be, before john started isolating himself.

Roxy: omg that would b really cute

Callieope: right? i think caroline and val have an amazing dynamic that coUld be very interesting for a relationship!

Roxy: v tru

Roxy: although I think it would be cool if the two main character mayb didnt get together? yknow really subvert those expectations

Jade: to be fair, earth c tv has been subverting expectations for so long it might be more subversive to follow along with the original troupe?

Roxy: imma keep it real I don’t watch a lot of earth c flics

Roxy: im mostly goin off of the stuff I grew up w/

Jade: right, i forgot that the only reason i watch any at all is because i hang out with dave and karkat :P

Dave: shit i got mentioned

Jade: yeah dave, I know youve been listening!!

Dave: listen i just

Dave: ive never not known what youre talking about more and if you remember the pre-game years of our friendship thats saying something

Dave: if you dont mind sharing im super curious

Calliope: troUpe is a good qUirk word…

Roxy: were talkin about our ocs!!

Dave: thats fucking incredible tell me all about them

Dave: also wtf are you talking about callie

Calliope: qUirk words!! when a word makes Use of yoUr qUirk, so you make a mental note to yoUrself to Use that word more freqUently!

Dave: goddamn the more i hear about quirks the more I feel like im missing out

Dave: what if us humans used quirks

Dave: really made future convos look like total fantroll disasters

Jade: doesnt sound that bad to me!

Roxy: tbf out of anyone ur the one who has a quirk out of the humans dave

Dave: what

Roxy: mr no caps no punctuation

Roxy: i see u backspacing to redo your “i”s in lowercase

Dave: what no you do the same thing thats not a quirk

Calliope: soUnds like a qUirk to me! ^u^

Karkat: HEY, DIRK, WHATS UP.

Dirk: Nothing. Just got done philosophy jamming with Rose.

Karkat: OH GOD.

Karkat: YOU AND ROSE TALKING ABOUT “PHILOSOPHY” HAS TO BE THE MOST MASTERBATORY THING IN PARASOX SPACE. YOU TWO DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO BE EXPERTS ABOUT ANYTHING FROM YOUR SOCIATY.

Dirk: First off, gross.

Dirk: Second off, one of us is literally a nuclear physicist.

Karkat: FAIR ENOUGH.

Karkat: HOWS YOUR HEAD?

Dirk: Hm?

Karkat: VISIONS AND SHIT.

Dirk: Oh, yeah that.

Dirk: Fine, I guess.

Karkat: UM. OKAY WELL THAT’S GOOD.

Karkat: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

Dirk: Completely stopped.

Karkat: OH WELL THAT’S GOOD.

Karkat: YOU MAKING IT ALRIGHT OTHERWISE? YOU FUCKING B-LINED FOR THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM AS JAKE THE SECOND YOU GOT HERE.

Dirk: Trouble in paradise is suppose.

Karkat: SINCE WHEN IS THAT SHIT PARADISE?

Dirk: That was a joke.

Karkat: I KNOW I WAS PARTICIPATING IN THE-

Karkat: ASKJFHAGKL NEVERMIND

John: wait, so rose, you’re really all better?

Kanaya: Luckily Shes Much Better

Rose: I worry that calling it a full recovery just yet is begging lady fate to pull a fast one on me, but as it stands yes, it seems like I’m copacetic. For the time being.

Jake: Well boy howdy im glad youre back in ship shape!!

Jake: Ive got to say I was more than a little worried!!

Kanaya: I Think We All Were

Kanaya: Just Dont Over Exert Yourself Dear

Kanaya: We Dont Want It Coming Back

Rose: I don’t believe it works that way, but I will follow your advice, just in case.

Kanaya: With The Added Benefit Of Making Me Feel Better

Rose: Of course.

Dirk: Hey, Jake, want to premiere our feature film length RiDPP episode?

Jake: Really? Right now? I thought we were going to release it worldwide in theaters?

Dirk: It’s a special occasion.

Jake: Well dearie me i cant argue with that!!

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK ARE JAKE AND DIRK DOING?

John: I think they are forcing us to watch rumble in the pumpkin patch?

Roxy: its rumble in DA pumpkin patch

John: ugh, yeah it is…

Dave: I think he said its movie length

Jade: oh god D:

Dave: oh god thats amazing more like it

Karkat: EVEN YOU CAN’T POSSIBLEY LIKE “RUMBLE IN DA PUMPKIN PATCH”.

Dave: lmao yeah its pretty fucking wack

Dave: but its got its charm

Dave: enough charm to get me through an hour and a half.

Jade: dave, are you sure you want to watch this? I feel like you maaaaaaaaay be bluffing for a joke.

Dave: ive literally never done that and you cant change my mind

Jade: i dont know, seems to me like theres a small chance you may have committed to a bit even though it make you uncomfortable more then once.

Jade: maybe even several times?

Karkat: PERHAPS EVEN… HUNDREDS?

Jade: hehehehe!

Dave: damn

Dave: massive dave dunks over here

Dave: straight up bonding over some insane dave dunkage

Karkat: HOWS IT GO AGAIN?

Karkat: “THEN THE BIG MAN COMES”

Jade: he HAS the dunks!!

Dave: omg its only been ten years and yall havent memorized my memes

Dave: this is some fucked up shit

Jade: hehehe dont worry, im caught up!

Dave: aww

Karkat: IT MAY SOUND STUPID BUT I ACTUALLY CHECK FOR UPDATES EVERY OTHER DAY.

Dave: karkat

Dave: youve seen my work ethic

Dave: once a week is generous

Dave: why the fuck are you two so damn sweet god fucking dammit

Karkat: LOL.

John: wow, you three are great friends!

John: im glad, I was kind of worried something happened to you guys!

Roxy: omg john

Roxy: get tf over here

Rose: So, this is Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch.

Rose: Quite the artistic statement

Dirk: Yeah, I’m basically the architect of the greatest television movement Earth C has ever known.

Jake: I don’t know man, there seems to be a lot of programs that seem to resemble ours quite a bit.

Calliope: they say imitation is the greatest flattery! ^u^

Rose: Where do you weigh in on this, Kanaya?

Kanaya: Hm

Rose: We were talking about Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch, dear.

Kanaya: I Love You So Much

Kanaya: But We Are Talking About A Show That Consists Of Two Men Finding An Elaborate Excuse To Make Intimate Contact With One Another Through Combat

Kanaya: No Offence But I Couldnt Be Less Interested

John: hey roxy, how are you?

Roxy: im doin fine I suppose

John: is something wrong? it’s a party after all, you deserve to have a good time!

Roxy: lol don’t worry im enjoying the party

Roxy: ive missed stuff like this a lot tbh

Roxy: its good to b hangin w/ you again

John: oh!

John: um, totally, yeah!

Roxy: …

John: …

John: is

John: is there something else going on?

Roxy: ugh i dont wanna bum you out on your bday

John: thats my secret roxy…

John: im always bummed out!

Roxy: omg how did u find my alpha earth pirated movie collection

Roxy: access to the post apocalypse cage flicks was gonna b my birthday present :(

John: hehehe don’t worry, I don’t really consider them part of my cage head canon.

John: lay it on me!

Roxy: well

Roxy: its jane…

John: are things cool between you?

Roxy: oh yeah were bffs

Roxy: its just that

Roxy: dont get me wrong i love her to mf DEATH but

Roxy: i feel so isolated when i hang out w/ her these days

Roxy: like shes so wrapped up in her business stuff and

Roxy: idk it feels like shes pushin ppl away I guess?

Roxy: and it kinda just becomes all i can think about anymore…

John: oh jeez… that sucks…

Roxy: yea

John:

Roxy:

John: hey…

Roxy: sup

John: you said you felt isolated and stuff so this might be the opposite of what you need, but im going to suggest it anyway!!

John: because you sound pretty overwhelmed by life stuff at the moment.

John: or jane stuff so much it feels like life stuff?

John: anyway, do you want to just…

John: take a vacation?

Roxy: omg

Roxy: like what u thinkin vacay wise

John: I don’t know, um…

John: maybe a cruise ship or something?

Roxy: hmmmmmm

Roxy: big considerin

Roxy: can callie come?

John: oh yeah, of course she can come!

Roxy: o uh

Roxy: ‘she’ isnt quite right

Hours pass. Hours of conversation, laughter, and sweaty boys wrestling each other on TV. Hours’ worth of snacks get eaten. Slowly, as the day turned to night, Jake left, then Dirk, then Roxy and Calliope. Kanaya mentions to Karkat a request Rose made, and then the two of them head out early to their respective homes.

The four longtime friends sit together on the floor in a circle.

Rose: Well, it took 10 years, one year since I suggested it, but looks like it’s just the four of us.

Jade: yeah!! im really glad too :) I missed stuff like this.

Rose: I think everyone did.

Dave: rose try not to get deep about the cyclical nature of reality or some shit please

Rose: But Dave, how out of character would that be?

John: yeah dave, let rose be a LITTLE dramatic!

Rose: Such unfair treatment from the Strider corner.

Jade: jeez… 10 years?

Rose: Ten years.

Jade: that feels… crazy!!

Jade: we have officially spent more time away from earth then we did on earth :0

John: jeez, that’s crazy…

Dave: shits wack

Rose: Agreed.

Dave: im gonna get some more fucking snacks

Dave: John come help me find snacks

John: alright, coming!

Dave: hey

Dave: thanks for doing this

John: I want snacks too, dave.

Dave: no I mean like

Dave: this

Dave: having a party and all

Dave: we needed this

John: yeah, I can tell hehehehe.

Rose: So, Jade.

Jade: yes rose?

Rose: As a gamer.

Rose: How would you rate Sburb.

Rose: Out of ten.

Rose: Now that you’ve had 7 years of reflection.

Jade: ummmm…

Jade: all things considered…

Jade: I got to meet you through it, so its at least a 9/10!!

Rose: Aww.

Rose: Fair enough.

Dave: yo i got the chips

John: you guys are lucky I restock on chips pretty often!

Jade: hey dave, mind if I crash at your house?

Dave: lemme text karkat

Rose: Hey, Dave and John.

Rose: In your professional gamer opinions, what rating would you give Sburb?

John: Lame!!

Dave: i think gamebro was right on the money with their rating tbh

Rose: Interesting.

Dave: karkat says its cool if you wanna come over for tonight

Jade: oki doki!! its been a while hehehe…

The four of them talk for a while, reflecting on the game, talking about their lives, what they plan to do, and by the end of the night, Rose returns to her wife, and Jade and Dave return to Karkat. John sits in the silence of his house, suddenly back into his place of isolation. After a moment, he smiles softly and begins texting Roxy.


	12. That Morning

Dave sits at his computer across the room from Karkat’s Recuperacoon. Karkat is entering the sleepy state just after unconsciousness. That’s when Dave gets the news. Under his breath he shoots the computer screen an expletive, then puts his hands in his face. He turns around and asks Karkat if he’s awake. Dave hears a low mumble underneath the slime before he slowly raises his head over the slime. Dave and Karkat have many rituals. One of them, in the case of Karkat waking up after Dave while Dave is still in the bedroom, is for Dave to silently sit in his computer chair, face the computer, and repeatedly tell himself not to look behind him until Karkat gives the word ‘safe’.

Karkat: SAFE.

Dave: alright so are you ready to hear the worst news youve ever heard on earth c

Karkat: DAMN, THE WORST? DO YOU REMEMBER THE BALAD OF THE MAYOR? I DO.

Dave: janes running for president

Karkat: WAIT WHAT? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? SINCE WHEN?

Dave: since fucking yesterday she gave her speech while we were having a fun time at johns

Karkat: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT DAVE.

Dave: yeah

Karkat: SHES GONNA BE SUCH A SHIT PRESIDENT!!

Dave: yeah and theres no way anyone isnt going to vote for a literal god

Karkat: AKJGHKAGKADAHFAKJFA

Karkat: I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE DOES ANYTHING BATSHIT…

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO.

Dave: theres literally no way she wont

Dave: karkat I know you haven’t even considered this yet but

Dave: do you know what shes going to do to the economy

Karkat: OH MY GOD YES DAVE I FUCKING DO.

Karkat: IF ME ALREADY KNOWING EXACTLY HOW THIS WILL AFFECT THE ECONOMY WILL STOP YOU FROM GOING INTO AN HOUR-LONG ECONOMY RANT THEN HELL YES, I DO.

Dave: alright cool

Dave: im going to trust that that was completely truthful

Dave: this

Dave: this cant happen

Karkat: WELP, IT’S GONNA HAPPEN.

Dave: unless

Karkat: … UNLESS?

Dave: unless someone runs against her

Karkat: YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

Karkat: ID ALMOST VOTE FOR ANYONE ELSE.

Karkat: MAYBE NOT JAKE BUT HE WOULD NEVER.

Dave: karkat the people of earth c need someone who has the best intentions

Dave: someone who has the compassion to make decisions that are the best for everyone, not just the human kingdom

Karkat: YEAH, I KNOW.

Karkat: OBVIOUSLY. YOURE DESCRIBING LIKE AN IDEAL LEADER.

Dave: i was describing you

Karkat: OH FUCK OFF.

Dave: im serious

Karkat: I THOUGHT THIS ‘MEME’ DIED WHEN THE GAME ENDED.

Karkat: THE MEME BEING THAT I SHOULD IN ANY WAY BE IN A LEADERSHIP POSITION. EVER.

Karkat: I REITERATE, FUCK OFF.

Dave: do you want earth c to have a xenophobe for a leader

Karkat: DICK.

Dave: karkat think about it

Dave: you have a huge market

Dave: and youve heard what she wants to do with regulating troll reproduction

Karkat: …

Dave: dont you want to try

Karkat sits down on Dave’s bed with his hand on his forehead. He looks like he’s tending to a headache. He sighs a long sigh that gets progressively louder. As he’s yelling, he lays back onto the mattress.

Karkat: I’M NOT AGREEING.

Dave: damn

Karkat: BUT.

Dave: ?

Karkat: IF I DID…

Karkat: HOW WOULD WE WIN?

Dave: alright

Dave: so if you think of like

Dave: popularity, and getting fans to agree to rally for our cause, we might have a chance.

Karkat: IF IT’S A POPULARITY CONTEST, WERE FUCKED.

Dave: well okay one thats not true

Dave: the entire troll kingdom fucking adores you

Dave: you see the news

Karkat: SAKJGHKLFJHDASG OKAY DON’T REMIND ME.

Dave: second we can try and rally the others to our cause.

Dave: rose and kanaya will be an easy win

Dave: which already has half of the carapace kingdom

Dave: we can pitch to roxy and callie but that’s gonna be rough

Dave: dirk is a bit of a wild card im not sure where he would land

Dave: and jake

Dave: if we can get jake thats it

Dave: and i think john would be on our side

Dave: actually im not sure about that

Karkat: HM…

Karkat: IF WE WANT JAKE MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE JADE HELP US GET SUPPORT?

Dave: yea

Dave opens their door and heads out to the living room. There they find Jade, face down on the couch, one arm touching the floor, where her bra and skirt lay, lazily tossed off before falling asleep last night. Dave and Karkat, much like this morning, repeat their “don’t look” mantra to themselves. Dave calls to her, and she shifts out of her sleep. Tired, she rubs her eyes, and looks up. The first thing she lays eyes on is Dave and Karkat, looming over the back of the couch.

Dave: yo so uuuh

Dave: um

Dave: jane is running for president

Dave: which is fucked

Dave: for like, equality probably but also definitely the economy

Dave: …

Dave: good news tho

Dave: so is karkat

Karkat: IM CONSIDERING IT HYPOTHETICALLY JACKASS.

Dave: wait still?

Dave: aight damn

Dave: anyway

Dave: wanna help us win?

Jade is sitting up and looks up at them. She thinks about how she likes to gather many experiences, but if she had to experience one thing every morning, seeing the two of them would be her number one choice. She’s looking up at them with longing in her eyes. She’s met with a pair of half-smiles.

Jade: ill help in whatever way I can. :)

Jade: do we have a game plan?

She shifts so she is sitting correctly on the couch and stands up, feet planted inside her skirt. The two boys get an accidental view full of underwear clad Harley ass as she brings her skirt up, and begins putting her bra on without taking her shirt off.

Dave: yyyyeah we got a game plan

Dave: we kinda have a list of people to hit to get support from.

Dave: probably should get to the carapace kingdom first, as our most likely potential supporters are there

Dave: those being rose and Kanaya

Dave: but callie and roxy are more of a mixed bad

Karkat: JADE, WHY DON’T YOU TALK TO THOSE TWO? YOURE CLOSER TO THE BOTH OF THEM THEN I AM AT LEAST.

Karkat: I KNOW DAVES GOT A PRETTY GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ROXY BUT IT WOULD BE SMART TO SPLIT UP TO COVER MORE GROUND.

Dave: yea

Jade: that sounds good to me!!

Jade: then we can talk to john, I think hes gonna be on our side!!

Karkat: YEAH, PROBABLY.

Karkat: AT LEAST I HOPE SO.

Dave: before we talk to john we should reconvene and discuss dirkjake

Karkat: SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. MAYBE INTEL FROM ROXY WILL HELP US MAKE A BETTER EDUCATED GUESS AT HOW TO MOVE FOREWARD…

Dave: are you ready to acknowledge that you are taking this seriously yet?

Karkat: AKSGJHLFKJHAG OKAY, I’M.

Karkat: I’M REALLY DOING THIS, I GUESS.

Karkat: I MEAN, WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE OTHER THEN MY DIGNITY AND MY LITTLE REMAINING RESPECT FROM MY PEERS?

Dave: um

Dave: ill consider that a dub.

Jade: woo!!

Jade: i think ill go get a head start at the carapace kingdom :)

Jade: meet you back here at noon?

Karkat: SURE.

Jade grabs a piece of toast and rushes out of the house. Dave and Karakt look at each other like “what’s her hurry?”

Dave: hey um

Dave: karkat

Karkat: HEY UM…

Karkat: DAVE?

Dave: what

Karkat: I WAS MOCKING YOU, WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY?

Dave: oh okay that makes sense

Dave: remember

Dave: remember when jade wanted to fuck us?

Karkat: HAH

Karkat: WANTED?

Karkat: *SIGH*

Karkat: IT’S BEEN LIKE A SWEEP SINCE THAT WHOLE FIASCO HAPPENED, AN-

Dave: only a year actually

Karkat: WAIT REALLY!?

Dave: if youre talking about her confession that was a bit after johns birthday last year

Karkat: DAMN. ANYWAY, MY POINT IS IM STILL FUCKING. UPSET? OVER THAT?

Dave: damn

Dave: the truth come out

Dave: sounds like the floodgates of a rant are about to break open demolishing villages in its wake

Dave: better get a warning out to the little salamander people down in the valley otherwise their fucked

Dave: hit me

Karkat: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN UNPACK IT DUDE…

Karkat: AND LIKE

Karkat: SHE OBVIOUSLY IS STILL WAITING FOR US TO GIVE HER FEEDBACK OR SOME SHIT AND I JUST AKFJDHGKFDSGHKLAJLKADSJFHKDJGH

Dave: yeah

Dave almost spits out ‘why don’t we?’ but it doesn’t quite leave his lips. He thought it though, and for as much as he wants to ignore it, he thought it very loudly. For now, ‘yeah’ will have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bisexual disaster Dave indulgence. Happy late bisexual visibility day!!


	13. Tea Time

Jade Harley sits inside Roxy and Calliopes home as they fix up something to drink. They’re making tea. Jade isn’t sure if it’s for the aesthetic or not, she’s never seen them drink tea before. All around her are the signs of packing for an extensive trip. Jade prepares herself to pitch. As nervous as she is, she states her purpose and Roxy and Calliope sit on the couch as jade stands in the front of the room and speechifies. She explains why Karkat would do well, talks about the economy, and makes a light statement about Janes political opinions. They seem receptive, but for as much time as Jade took, it doesn’t seem to have paid off.

Roxy: idk jade I just

Roxy: im not comfy with fuckin over my bestie yknow?

Roxy: like it makes a lot of sense but

Jade: no, I get it…

Jade: no need to justify it, I appreciate you listening!

Jade: ive been standing a while though, im gonna sit down…

Roxy: come sit on the couch ill scoot

Jade: thanks!!

Jade: so uuuh

Jade: whats with all the packing

Roxy: im goin on a mf vacation!!

Jade: oh nice!!!!

Calliope: john invited Us for a stay offshore!

Roxy: lol were still deciding if we wanna go to an island or if we wanna stay on the ship

Calliope: my vote is for Us to stay at an island, i think it woUld be lovely to see some natUre. 0u0

Jade: hehehe, that would be my vote too.

Jade: but enough talk of votes!!

Jade: ive got a while before I have to be anywhere… what do you ladies wanna do?

Jade: if you arent too busy of course!!

Jade: and if my political speak didnt make you want to run my out of the house :P

Calliope: oh dear no! yoU are more then welcome to stay!

Calliope: bUt Um….

Roxy: we dont really call ourselves ladies these days

Jade: oh sorry!!

Roxy: no need to b sorry u didnt know

Roxy: we both go by gender neutral shit

Jade: oh!!

Jade: alright!!

Calliope: yes, we both did a lot talking aboUt oUr experiences and oUr views on oUr societies and it all comes with a lot of strange preconceived notions!

Calliope: i in particUlar Used to gender everything so heavily, even assUming not having seen a class or aspect have more than one gender means it was exclUsive to that gender.

Calliope: which is pretty silly in hindsight given how small oUr groUps were…

Roxy: lmao yeah

Roxy: we both did shit like that tbh

Roxy: but now this house is nonbinary as fuck

Jade: nonbinary… huh!

Jade: okay! so… do you want me to like…

Jade: call you they and them and stuff?

Roxy: omg jade

Roxy: i usually gotta explain that shit to ppl

Roxy: ty for bein smart

Jade: its not the largest logical leap, im not sure what else I would call you :p

Roxy: fair nuff

Calliope: thank yoU for being so Understanding! notifying people aboUt a changing identity can be a bit nerve wracking… ;^u^

Jade: yeah…

Jade: i…

Jade: can i ask you a weird question?

Roxy: shoot

Jade: how did you find out?

Roxy: um

Roxy: i think for me finding out was just a matter of really introspecting about how I relate to my gender for like

Roxy: any amount of time lol

Roxy: i been kinda forcing “bein girl” onto myself for quite some time

Calliope: for me it came with the realization that most of the other gendered things in my life were eqUally as arbitrary…

Calliope: kind of like roxy, I labeled myself as “girl” only really becaUse it seemed like what i was sUpposed to call myself based on a lot of traits I had that were out of my control!

Roxy: lmao yea I was talkin to callie abt that and I was like

Roxy: ‘huh that sure is an interestin perspective on ur alien culture and not somethin that parallels how we as humans feel abt gender’

Roxy: ‘o wait’

Jade: hehehe

Roxy: y do you ask? just curious?

Jade: well, kind of…

Jade: i dont know, i lived kind of sheltered, i never really gave much thought to gender!

Jade: i didnt even know nonbinary was something… you could be?

Jade: and ive never really thought of myself as someone who… couldnt be anything else then ‘girl’?

Jade: i dont know if that means im not a girl, but I guess all im saying is i never really put myself in a ‘girl box’?

Jade: i never really told myself ‘hey, you have to be like this to count as a girl!’

Jade: sorry if im rambling…

Calliope: what it soUnds like yoUre saying to me… is that yoU arent sUre! which is perfectly fine, no need to rUsh knowing things like that 0u0

Roxy: yea we werent poppin out gender theory jargon day one lmao

Roxy: it seems like youve got smth to think about tho

Roxy: which is chill I think thinkin about stuff is important for anybody tbh

Roxy: proud of u for not boxin urself in tho just do what feel right

Jade: thank you!

Jade: even with not just being attracted to boys, I kinda just had a ‘oh dang, cute people’ moment as a kid then moved on with my life hehehe

Jade: not that you would be able to tell with the dumb situation ive got myself in at the moment…

Roxy: wdym?

Jade: ugh

Jade: im kinda neck deep in dumb boys at the moment :/

Roxy: ah

Roxy: if u dont mind my askin… whats goin on there?

Jade: uuuuuugh

Roxy: we dont gotta get into it

Jade: no i kind of do want to get into it… so i can finally talk about it?

Jade: im inheriting their lack of talking about their problems hehehe

Calliope: you have nothing to fear with us 0u0 feel free to talk openly!

Jade: its just… I kinda confessed to them my feelings… like a year ago

Jade: and were still friends but they left it unresolved like they do with everything!!

Jade: i care about them a lot but sometimes i wonder if im wasting my time?

Jade: or worse… if im doing more harm than good?

Jade: more than anything I want them to finally admit to each other that they like each other!!

Jade: but am i being pushy? am i… in their way?

Calliope: oh jade, i’m sure that however poorly they are expressing it, they care aboUt yoU!

Calliope: i assUme we are talking about dave and karkat…

Jade: yeah…

Jade: can i… say something… im not sure i even agree with? its just a weird insecurity…

Calliope: of coUrse.

Jade: i wonder if like… im needy… because ive been so lonely all my life?

Roxy: jadejadejadejadejade

Jade: :?

Roxy: no

Roxy: no one in their right mind is blamin u for wanting affection an shit

Roxy: you deserve love just as much as everyone else in this damn earth c

Roxy: how you feel that love and express that love isnt any sort of symptom

Roxy: i promise u ive seen unhealthy obsession

Roxy: that aint you

Roxy: youve got a lotta love in ur heart and thats a beautiful thing

Roxy: dont let the world kill that in u

Roxy: youre strong as hell jade

Roxy: tbh I didnt even kno you HAD insecurities

Roxy: which is p dumb bc everyone does but like

Roxy: I guess my point is that youre rad as hell and you dont deserve that much hate bein thrown at yourself

Jade: :’) thanks guys…

Roxy puts their hand on Jades comfortingly, and puts their other hand on Calliopes thigh. Jade smiles and sniffles slightly. As sheltered as she may have grown up, some pieces of society trickled down to her life on her little island. Pieces that would shame her for her love, and pieces that suggested that the way she felt love was wrong. Pieces that suggest that the only possible way she could be the way she is, is through trauma. And on bad days, sometimes she believes it. Roxy was saying things that felt natural and right to them, but it was something Jade needed to be reminded in that moment.

Roxy and Calliope ask her if she wants to stay for tea. She does.


	14. Human Constructs

Karkat and Dave arrive at the Earth C brooding caverns, where Rose and Kanaya tend to the Mother Grub, waiting for it to produce its first live young. Rose and Kanaya are incredibly easy to win over with Karkat being president. So easy in fact that the dialogue is far too straightforward to warrant actually showing in a chat format.

After a while, Dave and Rose split into their own conversation, and move to another room to talk about “Sibling talk.” Once they leave, Kanaya sits down, and offers Karkat a seat.

Kanaya: Its A Beautiful Sight

Kanaya: I Really Never Thought I Would See Her Again

Kanaya: Well I Know It Isnt Actually My Lusus

Kanaya: As My Lusus Child Its More Like We Are Adopted Siblings Actually

Karkat: HUH.

Kanaya: I Think Adoption Is Quite A Sweet Human Construct

Karkat: MOST OF THEIR CONSTRUCTS ARE.

Karkat: ALL THE ONES THAT AREN'T ARE KIND OF JUST ASININE.

Kanaya: Thats A Pretty Fair Analysis I Would Say

Kanaya: Even Their Particularly Romantic Concepts Seem To Be Pretty Misplaced Or Even Morbid

Kanaya: Have You Heard Of Human Heteronormitivity

Karkat: SOUNDS LIKE HUMAN BULLSHIT WORDS.

Kanaya: Its Pretty Bullshit

Kanaya: But It Makes Me Wonder

Kanaya: If There Are Any Constructs That We Have Placed Here Arbitrarily Thats Actually Harmful To All The People Living Here

Kanaya: And We Cant Tell Simply Because We Werent Raised To Question It

Karkat: I THINK WE WOULD NOTICE BY NOW IF THERE WAS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SUFFERING BY HUMAN STANDARDS.

Karkat: BY *HUMAN STANDARDS* KANAYA. IF SOMEONE HAD TO ENDURE A ROUGH BREEZE WE WOULD PROBABLY FUCKING HEAR ABOUT IT.

Kanaya: Humans Were Known To Be Fairly Brutal To One Another

Kanaya: It Just Wasnt Part Of The Typical Moral Compass

Kanaya: People Werent Usually Raised To Think Violence Was Okay But I Guess It Just Happened Anyway

Kanaya: Or They Were Taught Subconsciously That Certain Violence Was Okay But Not Others

Kanaya: I Dont Really Know

Kanaya: Im More Of A Human Hobbyist Then Any Sort Of Researcher

Kanaya: Might As Well Leave That To The People Who Were There

Karkat: FAIR.

Karkat: SPEAKING OF YOUR HUMAN HOBBIES, HOWS ROSE?

Kanaya: Still Doing Perfectly Well

Kanaya: How Is Your Human Hobby Going

Karkat: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

Kanaya: Dave

Kanaya: And Jade I Guess

Kanaya: To Be Honest Rose And I Arent Sure About How Jade Relates To That Whole Situation

Karkat: SHE FUCKING DOESNT. OR, I GUESS SHE DOES IN THE EXACT SAME WAY THAT DAVE IS. WHICH IS TO SAY NORMALLY? I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE ACCUSING ME OF.

Kanaya: Im Not Accusing You Of Anything

Kanaya: Merely Curious If Things With Dave Are Going Well

Kanaya: And If Things With Jade Are Going Any Better

Kanaya: Things Can Mean Whatever You Want It To Mean

Karkat: OH…

Karkat: WELL

Karkat: DAVES GREAT, OBVIOUSLY. SO IS JADE. I JUST HAVE LIKE A YEAR OLD ANGER AT JADE THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO LET GO OF.

Karkat: IT’S JUST BEEN FESTERING LIKE SOME BAD HUMAN ACNE.

Kanaya: Trolls Have Acne

Karkat: YEAH BUT HUMAN ACNE IS PARTICULARLY DISGUSTING.

Kanaya: True

Kanaya: Would You Like To Vent To Me About It

Kanaya: I Feel As If Talking Through It Might Help You Let Go Of Whats Bothering You

Karkat: ALRIGHT...

Karkat: I HAVE WANTED TO SAY THIS FOR A LONG ASS TIME BUT I JUST CAN’T AROUND DAVE... WHY THE FUCK WOULD DAVE AND I BE EXCLUSIVELY MOIRAILS?? LIKE, IF WE WERE ANYTHING…? FURTHERMORE, WHY DID SHE GO, "OH WE SHOULD ALL BE IN THESE QUADRANT COMPLIANT RELATIONSHIPS BUT ALSO WE SHOULD JUST IGNORE THE QUADRANTS!!” LIKE IT DOESNT FUCKING ADD UP.

Kanaya: Rose And I Are In A Quadrant Compliant Relationship While Also Not Really Caring About Their Restrictions

Karkat: YEAH, I GET THAT, BUT IT'S LIKE SHE WANTS BOTH. FUCK, IT REMINDS ME OF *ME* BACK ON THE METEOR. ALSO, SHE WANTS TO BE MY *KISMESIS* OF ALL THINGS, AND SHE SO OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T HATE ME ITS OBSCENE.

Kanaya: Well How Do You Feel About Her

Karkat: AKLJFHASKDFJHSADKJHFKLJSADHFKLJSHAGKJHASLKFJHSDAKJGHJKSAHFKL

Kanaya: Okay

Karkat: I DONT FEEL ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE IM A STONE COLD FUCKING MACHINE.

Kanaya: Please Dont Regress Back Into Pre-Sgrub Karkat Im Rather Fond Of This Karkat

Karkat: WELL THAT MAKES FUCKING ONE OF US.

Karkat: FINE.

Kanaya:

Kanaya: Are You Going To Answer My Question

Karkat: NO. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Karkat: UM, ALSO, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME VENT.

Karkat: I THINK IT DID HELP BUT I AM ALSO DEFINITELY DONE VENTING AND I AM READY TO FUCKING CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Kanaya: I Will At Least Say This

Kanaya: I Am Incredibly Proud Of You

Kanaya: Quadrant Noncompliant Werent Even Words You Wanted Associated Anywhere Near You For The Longest Time

Kanaya: And Im Glad You Know What You Want

Kanaya: But Now That You Know What You Want Its Important To Let The People In Your Life Know What You Want

Karkat: …

Kanaya: Although I May Not Be Able To Tell The Exact Nature Of Any Of Your Relationships

Kanaya: It Seems Pretty Clear To Me That You Have Quite A Fondness For Dav-

Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kanaya: And Maybe You Should Let Him Kno-

Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kanaya: Hm

Kanaya: Alright Maybe Its Too Soon For That

Kanaya puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Kanaya: Its Going To Be Fine

Kanaya: Im Sure What You Need To Do Will Come To You

Kanaya: You Dont Need Me To Tell You What To Do

Karkat: AKAJSDHFKFHJFKSADJFKFSDAKJLASDLFJ

Kanaya: Okay

Kanaya: There There

Karkat: I’M FINE.

Kanaya: I Know

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT BEFORE THIS BATSHIT CONVERSATION HAPPENED?

Kanaya: Humans I Guess

Kanaya: Human Culture

Kanaya: Unless You Mean Before Then

Kanaya: I Was Talking About The Mother Grub And Before That We Were Talking About Your Plans For Presidency

Karkat: OH YEAH FUCK.

Karkat: I ACTUALLY FUCKING FORGOT DAVE CONVINCED ME TO DO THAT HOLY SHIT.

Kanaya: I Am Not Going To Comment On Daves Ability To Coerce You Into Acts Of Altruism

Karkat: THANK YOU.


	15. Sibling Talk.

The brooding caverns are a group of caves all linked together that have houses/hives built into it. The cave that the Mother Grub lays in has purple and gold doors on all sides, gates keeping people from falling into the slimly ground, and stairs leading down into the Brooding Pit. Rose leads Dave into a side room to the caverns. This room serves the dual purposes of a storage room and as a panic room for those who have had their vision over saturated with birthing goo.

Rose: So, presidency, huh?

Dave: um yeah

Rose: I think it's a good idea.

Rose: He has what it takes, I think.

Rose: Although I’m glad he has your guidance.

Rose: I don’t know if he really thinks he has what it takes.

Dave: i mean yeah the dudes already president of the putting yourself down club

Dave: which just goes to show he has the experience to back him up

Rose: Is this club where you got your vice presidency debut?

Rose: Or was your plan more so to be the 'First Gentleman'.

Dave: you calling me a gentleman sucks i would rather be called like the first dude or something more chill then that but also fuck you

Dave: man why the fuck does everyone have to go down this conversation road

Dave: first jade now you

Dave: i would lay down 50 big ones that kanaya is doing the same damn thing to karkat right now

Dave: all putting relationship status into question and shit

Dave: nobody does that the callie and roxy and they are way more homoerotic then we are

Dave: not that its like a contest

Dave: or that its even comparable bc like

Dave: well the difference i guess is that they are actually in a relationship

Rose: Whereas you and Karkat are only sort of in a relationship?

Dave: fuck this shit

Rose: I'm merely concerned about you, no need to go down this train of thought if you are just going to be maddeningly uncomfortable with it.

Rose: I am personally more curious about your political plans.

Dave: do you want me to explain the economy shit because i pretty much laid it all down for you when we first got here

Rose: No, I mean how are you going to win?

Dave: oh

Dave: well i guess we are going to hop around earth c and get a feel for where we stand support wise

Rose: So, I assume it’s all going to come down to Jake English in the end.

Dave: yeah i guess

Dave: dude has the most fans across the entirety of earth c

Rose: Had you begun your political campaign a little earlier by about a month or two you would have had a better chance. 

Rose: But his ever-shifting relationship with Dirk Strider seems to be waxing in Dirks favor at the moment.

Rose: And Dirk is steadfastly confident in Jane's ability to stop being xenophobic and vaguely fascist in time for her presidency.

Dave: damn really?

Dave: shit

Rose: I'm afraid so.

Rose: I assume you haven't talked to him yet.

Dave: we came here first

Rose: So, I suppose there’s a chance, but it’s a slim one.

Dave: so what do you have a solution or are you just trying to tell me theres no way

Rose: I believe you could win without Jakes favor; I’m just gauging your chances.

Rose: I think you two would benefit from having a strategist on your side.

Dave: yeah fair

Rose: I suppose I could pitch the idea to Dirk for you.

Dave: oh dude no you two are just going to turn it into some sort of mental sparring match to see who’s philosophy is superior or whatever

Dave: that scene just ends with you two placing fuckin bets

Dave: i think we will just see what happens there

Rose: So, will you take my offer?

Dave: wait what

Dave: sorry what was your offer

Rose: I was attempting to offer my skills as a strategist to your political campaign.

Rose: Although you turned down my first idea so my track record isn’t spotless at the moment.

Rose: Is it possible that I have grown rusty throughout the years?

Dave: nah im totally down for advice I just dont know how much we need

Dave: were kinda just starting out blind like I think we should see where we stand with everyone before we start making the big decisions

Rose: That’s fair enough. Just know I’m here to help if you truly need me.

Rose: Not just exclusively promoting my support for you verbally.

Dave: thanks rose

Dave: appreciate it

Dave: im kind of reeling right now

Dave: i literally thought of this idea today and then immediately started planning this shit out with karkat

Dave: so im experiencing a little bit of whiplash right now I guess

Dave: i hope im not in over my head with all this shit

Dave: like i convinced him to do this and I really dont wanna let him down

Dave: which i know sounds fucking tender as all hell and shit but shut up about that

Dave: i want to do this right

Rose: I completely understand.

Dave: okay cool

Rose: Not mentioning potential commentary on your bromance, I find it very sweet you are so dedicated to this task.

Rose: I think you are going to do just fine.

Dave: is that a prophecy or are you just giving me a big pat on the back and saying ‘go get em tiger’

Rose: Why don’t I let you find out.

Dave: k

Dave: i mean if we win i will literally never find out so like theres that

Rose: I think you fundamentally do not understand how my abilities work, or you are trying to give off the vibe that you don’t for better riffing potential.

Dave: sure why not

Dave: you know ive been hard at work remembering how all the shit works for everyone

Rose: Dave, we are essentially talking about nothing right now. 

Rose: I wont keep you from your…

Rose: From your Karkat any longer

Dave: god shitting dammit

Dave: okay

Rose: After you, Strider.


	16. Almost Talking About It

Dave and Karkat, along with Rose and Kanaya, reconvene in the Mother Grubs room, and begin heading back towards home. As Dave holds Karkat in his arms, he tries so hard not to think about things that Rose said that when Karkat first asks him what he and Rose talked about, Dave’s first response is ‘nothing’. Karkat doesn’t know how to respond to that, so the two share the flying god equivalent of a silent car ride. The two arrive at their hive and settle themselves inside, Dave laying on the couch, and Karkat pacing behind said couch.

Karkat: SO, ARE YOU PREPARED TO ANSWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

Dave: huh?

Karkat: WHAT DID YOU AND ROSE TALK ABOUT?

Karkat: I’M WILLING TO TAKE “JUST SIBLING STUFF” IF IT WILL MAKE YOUR ANSWER LESS MEANINGLESS.

Karkat: I JUST THINK IF WE ARE GOING TO BE FORGING A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN TOGETHER WE SHOULD FUCKING COMMUNICATE ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS.

Dave: okay well I guess first off rose and Kanaya were a political slam dunk so there really isnt anything to say on that matter

Dave: she offered help with planning but I think she will probably overthink it so i kinda lightly let her down

Karkat: DAVE.

Karkat: A LITERAL PROPHET OFFERED POLITICAL FAVORS AND YOU FUCKING TURNED HER DOWN?

Dave: listen i dont think you know how her powers even work they arent really just ‘this is going to happen no matter what’

Karkat: NO, I FUCKING KNOW HOW HER ABILITIES FUNCTION, WHICH IS TO SAY THAT THEY DO UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING RUSTED OVER THINKPAN. SHE SEES *FORTUITIOUS FUTURES* AND CAN GUIDE PEOPLE TOWARDS THEM.

Karkat: NOT ONLY COULD SHE TELL US HOW TO WIN, SHE COULD ALSO TELL US IF ME RUNNING IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA OR NOT.

Dave: yeah i get that but

Dave: you know how she can be i think she might get a bit overzealous about it all

Dave: she needs to relax not to get caught up in some huge thing

Karkat: WOULD ASKING FOR HER SUPPORT NOT COUNT AS GETTING HER CAUGHT UP.

Dave: dude no

Dave: she just has to like say that she supports us when you run

Karkat: ALRIGHT FINE.

Dave: anyway how did your convo with kanaya go

Karkat: UGH. SHE JUST TALKED ABOUT… STUFF.

Dave: knew it

Karkat: WHAT?

Dave: nothing go on

Karkat: OKAY WHATEVER.

Karkat: BASICALLY, WE JUST TALKED ABOUT HOW WEIRD HUMANS ARE.

Karkat: I VENTED A LITTLE. THAT WAS NICE.

Dave: oh god venting about humans

Dave: should i be worried

Karkat: NOT ABOUT YOU.

Karkat: NOT MUCH ANYWAY.

Dave: …

Dave: aight

Dave: i guess ill let that slide

Karkat: YEAH.

Karkat: I MOSTLY TALKED ABOUT JADE ACTUALLY.

Dave: damn

Dave: okay

Dave:

Karkat: BUT THEN SHE STARTED ASKING ME SHIT AND I WASN’T HAVING ANY OF THAT.

Dave: of course

Dave: nobody in their right mind would put up with someone asking clarifying questions when talking about feelings

Dave: that shit is downright unreasonable

Karkat: RIGHT?

Dave: well that’s good

Karkat: YEAH.

Dave: yknow

Karkat: WHAT?

Dave: you know im here to vent to right?

Karkat: UM

Karkat: YEAH DUDE OF COURSE

Karkat: YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME EVER SINCE THE METEOR TRIP. I COULD NEVER FORGET THAT SHIT.

Dave: haha yeah the meteor trip

Dave: it might be weird but I think those were some good times

Dave: im definitely glad were here now though.

Karkat: SAME…

Dave: but yeah my point is like yknow if somethings bothering you

Dave: shit hasnt changed im still here for you

Karkat: THANKS DAVE

Karkat: I MEAN THE STUFF I WAS TALKING TO KANAYA IS LIKE… KANAYA STUFF, I GUESS?

Karkat: KIND OF LIKE YOUR HUMAN SIBLING STUFF.

Dave: yea I get that

Dave: no worries man

Dave: im just kinda layin it out there that like

Dave tilts his head towards the television so he can’t be read. He’s sweating.

Dave: i think you get it

Karkat: YEAH…?

Karkat gets it, but there’s a slow sort of process to beginning to accept what is really happening here that has just now begun to forcefully turn the cogs within Karkat’s head.

Dave cringes into oblivion. If Karkat could see his face, he would see the most terrified expression a strider has ever let the world see. But, luckily for Dave, Karkat doesn’t attempt to get a view of his face, and instead goes to the kitchen in hopes to find something eatable in the refrigerator. Dave sits up straight and does some breathing exercises to regain his composure in time for Karkat to sit on the opposite side of the couch. Back to being cool and composed.

Karkat: DAVE, ARE YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GOT FUCKING IMPAILED?

Dave: hm?

Dave: no dude im fucking chill as all hell

Dave: if i look uncomfortable its just because i have a massive piece of being way to fucking chill lodged up my ass

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK?

Karkat: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Dave: uh

Karkat: THE FACT THAT I CAN ACTUALLY STILL BE FUCKING BEWILDERED BY THE IDIOTIC SHIT YOU SAY EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME IS ASTOUNDING.

Dave: yeah

Dave: thats the ultimate riddle right there

Dave: everyone was looking in the wrong place for that shit, the ultimate riddle is actually how do i come up with this great and hilarious shit constantly

Dave: well i have the answer for you if your feeble mind can comprehend it

Dave: its god given motherfucking talent

Dave: ‘no shitting way’ i hear you say

Dave: but yes the truth of the matter is that i just fucking do this literally constantly and i never run out of amazing material to constantly spit out into the unsuspecting world

Dave: this has to be the most fucking incomprehensible speech since your denizen told you a yo mama joke but its fucking true and its never going to stop being a thing that is cold hard fucking fact

Dave: period

Dave:

Dave: karkat I know you were listening you cant try discouraging me by acting like you dont give a shit that hasnt worked since year two on earth c

Dave: god do you hear that

Dave: its the sound of my tiny human cardiovascular system shattering

Dave: youre hurting my goddamn feelings right now karkat

Dave: hey

Dave: dude

Dave: dude

Karkat: *HOLY HUMAN DICKSPLITTING CHRIST*

Karkat: THERE ACTUALLY FUCKING *IS* NO WAY TO GET YOU TO FUCKING STOP

Karkat: ALRIGHT I FUCKING SECEDE TO YOUR RANT SUPIRIORITY.

Karkat: ITS CLEAR TO ME THAT YOUR RAMBLESTATS ARE JUST TOO DAMN HIGH EVEN FOR ME TO COMPETE WITH.

Karkat: I WILL NOW PROCEED TO GROVEL AT YOUR FEET AND CRY AN OCEAN OF TEARS FOR YOU TO DRINK AS YOU SIT HIGH ATOP THE BABBLETHRONE.

Dave: hahaha the babblethrone I love it

Karkat: IM GLAD YOU LOVE IT BECAUSE I MADE IT JUST FOR YOU AND YOUR PLUSH ASS

Dave: oh god

Dave: dude stop

Dave: i ruined the word plush for myself fucking years ago

Karkat: I KNOW, THAT’S WHY IM HERE TO ALLOW YOUR OWN DEAD EARTH MEMES TO HAUNT YOU JUST LIKE THE SOCIETAL PRESSURES YOU TRY IN VAIN TO ESCAPE.

Dave: wow dude too real

Karkat: SORRY.

Dave: no dude its fine im teasing you

Karkat: OH, FUCK OFF!

Dave: hm

Karkat: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I WAS TRYING TO DUNK ON MY OWN ISSUES, NOT YOURS.

Dave: its cool

Dave: I think

Dave: I think if youre president you will have a pretty good opportunity to make shit better in that regard

Karkat: YEAH I WOULD HOPE SO.

Dave: human culture fucking sucked

Dave: theres a lot of shit we changed for the better

Dave: I havent thought of it until now but with how much changed i dont think anyone can have a childhood exactly like mine here

Dave: which is pretty kickass

Karkat: OH, YEAH TOTALLY…

Karkat: SORRY THE BULLSHITTING TO REALTALK TRANSITION HAPPENED SO QUICKLY I GOT FUCKING WHIPLASH.

Karkat: BUT YEAH THERES DEFINETLY STILL A FIGHT TO WIN BUT I THINK WE DID A PRETTY FUCKING GREAT JOB ALL THINGS CONCIDERED.

Karkat: COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT EARTH WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF OUR SESSION ACTUALLY FUCKING GOT TO SHAPE THE CULTURE OF THE UNIVERSE WE MADE? SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN IRRECONCILABLE.

Dave: yeah i dont want to live in a world where gamzee makara got any say in the planetwide culture

Karkat: DON’T EVEN SAY SHIT LIKE THAT UGH.

Dave: bro

Dave: high five me

Karkat: WHY?

Dave: we literally fucking created a society and it didnt burn to the ground in the first thousand years we deserve it

Karkat: FAIR

Karkat: WHY IS YOUR HAND SO SWEATY?

Dave: masturbation

Dave: uh

Dave: that was a lie

Dave: well a joke not a lie

Dave: i guess im just nervous about the politics

Karkat: I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT SAYING MASTURBATION THERE EVEN IMPLIES.

Karkat: WE SHOULDN’T BE NERVOUS, ONCE WE FIND OUT WHOS WITH US OR AGAINST US WE CAN JUST QUIT IF WE ARENT UP FOR IT.

Dave: yeah…

The two of them wait in anticipation for Jade, sitting as far away from each other as is possible on their couch, while artfully dodging the inuendo they throw at one another. Surely Jade Harley couldn’t possibly make this sort-of-flirting any worse.


	17. Before Things Begin to Really Pop Off

Jade floats towards the ground, taking a detour to the Consort Kingdom. She made sure to head out before the boys did so she would have time to meet up with Jake. After the premier of ‘Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch: The WReckoning’ the TV show has reached new heights in funding and now features incredibly showy special effects accompanied by even more incredibly esoteric plot lines. With the increase of complexities in the shows production, RidPP is in a bit of a writing hiatus while Dirk, and to a slightly lesser degree Jake, work on writing the next season. This leaves Jake where he is now, at his house, sipping orange soda out of a wine glass on his balcony. Until he hears a knock on his door and shouts for the unexpected guest to come in.

Jake: Oh dear jade! What a pleasant surprise! Here, let me come down to the ground floor.

Jade: hi!!

Jade: hows the creative process going?

Jake: Oh you know how it is, up and down.

Jake: So what brings you over to the Consort Kingdom?

Jade: i missed you jake!!

Jade: youve been kind of cooped up in here for a while now :p

Jade: and even though you have this thing going on with dirk… I dont really see you get out much with him either?

Jake: You know, I wouldnt mind the opportunity to speak candidly with you about that…

Jake: Would you like to take a seat? Here, follow me upstairs…

Jake leads Jade up a flight of stairs to a balcony where some chairs surround a small café table. Jakes manor has an interior decorating style that loosely resembles Jades Grandpas. The floors and walls are littered with artifacts collected from his adventures, many Human, some Alternian, and even some Sburban. Rather then mounted animal heads, Jake has mounted on walls remains of robots that Dirk built for the two of them to battle, including the largest one that hangs over the stairway, the desecrated torso of a large robotic version of Lord English. The two of them sit down.

Jade: so… whats on your mind?

Jake: Well all this writing business of course.

Jade: i dont know jake, seems like theres something deeper going on…

Jade: are things alright with dirk?

Jake: Well, you know how dirk is…

Jade: not really! i kind of avoid one on one encounters with the guy… its kind of awkward because the first time I saw him i punched him in the face :/

Jake: Oh! Well then let me tell you that is certainly not a deal breaker for your potential friendship!

Jake: Far from it in fact.

Jake: I think you two could get along swimmingly!

Jade: hehehe alright, maybe ill talk to him later.

Jake: Anywho, my point!

Jake: The man can be quite abrasive… He has been less so in recent months, but its still there. Wouldn’t be dirk if it wasn’t!

Jake: And honestly i love him for it.

Jake: Dirks someone who isnt afraid to say things that won’t make me happy, and that’s what I value most about him. He isnt a people pleaser, and hes willing to give it to me straight. Call a spade a spade, you know?

Jade: yeah! it can definitely be weird being around people pleasers all the time hehehe

Jade: … but?

Jake: Right… its just…

Jake: He just seems so disinterested and spiteful sometimes… which just makes me spiteful and no friendship is at its best when tensions are so high!

Jade: hmmmmmm…

Jade: jake… is it possible that… you arent quite over your relationship?

Jake: Well i dont quite know about that…

Jake: Although… And i wouldnt say this to anyone else jade so keep this one close…

Jake: ...

Jake: It may or may not be a point of contention?

Jade: hmmmmmmmmm…

Jade: would you file this under relationship problems or friendship problems?

Jake: Oh dear jade i dont know…

Jake: I think perhaps it files under…

Jake: Dirk problems?

Jade: Now those i have much less experience dealing with :(

Jake: Oh well thats quite alright my dear, i suppose im just venting hehehe.

Jake: I dont want to take up all the problem discussion in this conversation though, whats going on with you?

Jake: How are things in the strider-vantas home?

Jade: oh…

Jade: kinda the same as they have been for a while hehe…

Jade: they…

Jade: listen

Jade: they like to do this thing with each other

Jade: where they act like they are in a relationship, sometimes all the way to holding each other in their arms!!

Jade: but actively deny that they have any feelings for each other!!

Jade: which is frustrating, because i care about them a lot…

Jade: but they do it with me sometimes too?

Jade: like, maybe THEY can act exactly like they are dating but not actually date but it just makes me sad when they do it with me…

Jake: Oh dearie me well that is quite the pickle now isnt it…

Jake: Well as one deeply in the trenches of man to man feelings myself I know how hard it is to... well…

Jake: Tell a bro just how you feel!

Jade: :/

Jake: Now jade, i know things look bleak now, but let me tell you something.

Jake: Things with romance have a way of culminating and blowing up whether you want it or not…

Jake: So for as long as its been going on, they cant run away from their feelings forever!

Jake: Lordy knows ive tried hehe…

Jake: The only thing you can do until they come around is…

Jake: Well, at the risk of sounding a bit cliché…

Jake: Believe in them and stay true to yourself.

Jade sighs and looks at Jakes beaming expression. Jade can tell that he’s worried about her, but he gives her a reassuring smile and pat on the back. They banter a little while longer, and Jade tells Jake that she has to meet up with the rest of the ‘Strider-Vantas home’. She gives him a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and bids him farewell. Yes, at some point she’s going to have to sway him politically, but for now she needed someone who was merely family to talk to before things began to really pop off.


	18. Admitting it To Yourself

Back home Karkat and Dave attempt to calm their nerves. Despite Dave’s ability to fake it until he makes it, Karkat doesn’t have the ability to pretend he isn’t constantly flipping his lid. Karkat paces, loudly sighs, randomly shouts ‘what the fuck’ at a bird outside, and repeats this process ad infinitum. The mailman has long since stopped coming to their house, but if they still did, they would have skipped today, because it sounds like a troll shaped bomb is warning the surrounding citizens that it is getting ready to detonate. Karkat is now just sitting in the kitchen, taking a moment every 30 seconds to mutter an expletive to himself.

Dave: hey um

Dave: karkat

Dave: you good?

Karkat: OF COURSE, WHY DO YOU ASK?

Dave: oh no reason

Dave: just checkin in on you

Dave: for a second there I almost thought you were kinda stressed out

Karkat: I WONDER WHAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY GIVEN YOU THAT IDEA!!!!

Dave: nothing really

Dave: other then the fact that you look like the personification of a nuclear meltdown

Karkat: HM!! WELL ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.

Dave: …yeah

Dave: yknow

Dave: despite saying you arent worried

Dave: its okay if you are

Dave: its kind of fucking stressful shit.

Dave: being a politician and all

Karkat: I GUESS.

Karkat: MAYBE IM JUST ANTICIPATING JADES NEWS…

Dave: yeah man

Dave: got your fuckin mad anxiety on about all kinds of wicked-

Jade enters.

Dave: oh hi jade

Jade: hi!!

Jade enters the house after a short two knocks. Dave is laid back on the couch, until jade lifts his legs, which until now had occupied all the space on the couch, and moves him into a sitting position, taking a seat next to him. Karkat stops having a tantrum and leans against the arm of the couch.

Jade: so!! how did rose and kanaya react?

Karkat: I MEAN, THEY REACTED PREDICTABLY WELL.

Dave: yeah they are like so on board the karkat train it isnt even funny

Dave: we basically spent the whole time being talked at about personal shit

Dave: at least thats what rose did

Dave: i kind of assumed kanaya did too

Karkat: I MEAN YEAH.

Jade: hehehe yeah thats pretty much how it went for me

Jade: but with a lot less success :/

Jade: pretty predictably, roxy and callie are apprehensive about vouching against jane…

Jade: although maybe they will stay neutral? thats something at least hehehe

Jade: oh also i talked to jake!

Karkat: OKAY HARLEY WHAT THE FUCK!?

Karkat: WE LEAVE YOU TO YOUR OWN DEVICES FOR ONE SINGULAR MOMENT AND YOU’VE ALREADY GONE OFF ON A LITTLE SOLO MISSION TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE SINGLE MOST POPULAR PERSON ON EARTH C *WITHOUT US*!?

Jade: chill out karkat!! i didnt talk about politics

Karkat: IF YOU DIDN’T TALK ABOUT POLITICS THEN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK *DID* YOU TALK ABOUT?

Jade: stuff!! You wouldnt want me bringing it up hehehe

Jade: trust me.

Karkat: FINE.

Dave: alright so we got two wins and two losses right now

Dave: not ideal but like

Dave: thats not terrible

Dave: so

Dave: you still in

Dave: i get it if you dont want to

Karkat: WOW, FIRST YOU PRESSURE ME INTO DOING THIS NOW YOURE TELLING ME I DONT HAVE TO?

Dave: y

Dave: yeah thats a really normal thing to do

Dave: its called being a good friend dude im giving you an out if you arent up for it

Jade: yeah, this is kind of a huge deal!! if you dont think youre really not in a place where you can do this… i dont think you should have to!! no pressure :)

Karkat: ALKFSJG

Karkat: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!

Karkat: IM IN.

Dave: were doing it?

Karkat: LKSADFJDLKJG

Jade: were making it happen!!

Karkat: HAHA EPIC FUNNY GUYS!!

Dave: alright cool glad to know were on the same page

Dave: now that we have that out of the way we should chill the fuck out for a minute

Dave: or do something that will relax us

Dave: because believe it or not karkat has been so anxious about this hes acting like a feral fucking animal

Karkat: SHUT UP.

Dave: wanna watch a romcom

Dave: its been so long since we watched a movie we were actually paying attention to and not just

Dave: talking about other shit while sometimes looking at the screen and getting our minds boggled by the ridiculous shit thats happening on screen

Dave: shit that would have made since had we not been busy not giving a fuck

Jade: im getting ice cream, hows that sound karkat?

Karkat: I AM INCREDIBLY CONFUSED BY WHY YOU TWO ARE SUDDENLY CODDLING ME.

Karkat: IS IT BECAUSE I FINALLY DID SOMETHING THAT WASN’T THE EASIEST FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD TO DO? IS THAT CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION?

Karkat: HOLY SHIT! KARKAT DID SOMETHING OTHER THEN SIT HIS ASS IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER SCREEN FOR ONCE! STOP THE PRESSES!

Karkat: DO YOU REALLY THING IM THAT SOFT? ILL LET YOU KNOW I-

Dave: karkat

Dave: holy fuck

Dave: have you maybe considered

Dave: that we would also like a movie and ice cream

Dave: its not that deep dude

Dave: see jade isnt even listening shes already getting the ice cream

The three of them sit in on the couch in the order of Dave, Karkat, then Jade, and watch one of the flicks from Karkat’s childhood. One of those long title bitches. Karkat fucking loves those. With the rise of human culture homogenizing with troll culture, movies have leaned towards one to two sentence titles in the troll kingdom. However, occasionally, Karkat will look at a new movie and see that the title of the movie covers most off the space on the screen and it brings a brief smile to his face.

After the movie is done, Jade has passed out on the couch. Karkat and Dave, still awake, lay her down and throw one of the blankets from their room onto her, as they retire into their bedroom. Dave face plants onto his bed and begins rolling up in blankets and immediately starts fading into sleep. Karkat, although much more relaxed after an hour or two of movies and his favorite human food, is still restless, partially due to having ice cream for dinner, but also partially due to the stresses of life.

Dave: ey karkat

Dave: did u have a good night

Dave sleepily mumbles, closing his eyes and laying his shades on his bed stand.

Karkat: YEAH…

Karkat: IT WAS NICE, CONSIDERING HOW STRESSED OUT I WAS.

Dave: mmmm

Dave: thats good

Dave smiles and gives Karkat an incredibly no homo pat on the back. Dave shifts in his bed, getting more comfortable and drifting quickly into sleep. Karkat looks at him. Really looks at him. He thinks about Dave, thinks about how he treated him today. He thinks about how he felt when Dave cares about him. For all of Dave’s ridiculous bullshit, he makes Karkat feel something he doesn’t get to feel any other way. Dave makes him feel sane. Like he isn’t a raving lunatic, like everything makes sense. Things making sense is probably the rarest feeling of all for Karkat. He looks at Dave’s closed eyes, and wonders if he has already fallen asleep. Karkat wonders to himself if he could talk out his feelings out loud to himself and really get to the bottom of that’s going on internally. This would certainly wake Strider up due to his volume control issues. So, Karkat merely thinks to himself. He thinks about how long they have been together, he thinks about how fucking much he cares about Dave, and he thinks about that feeling of things making sense. It piles up in his mind until he can’t help but take a step back and think, wow, these feelings are fucking immense. ‘I can’t keep ignoring this,’ he thinks. ‘Fuck,’ he then thinks to himself. He thinks the word ‘fuck’ many times.

Maybe its just because of how exhausting the day had been, maybe its how tired Karkat feels, but for the first time in the ten years he has known Dave, he thinks to himself, “I think I’m in love?”

It’s at this point he realizes he can’t tell himself otherwise anymore. He has to admit it to himself. But admitting it to Dave is another story.


	19. Uphill Battle

Jade Harley wakes up on the couch of the Vantas-Strider home. Unlike the many times this has happened before, she is wrapped up in a blanket. Her heavy eyes struggle to stay open as she sits up in the dark house. She gets up, opens some blinds for a moment, and waters her plants. She brushes her teeth, then poor’s herself a bowl of cereal. She wraps herself up in the blanket and holds the bowl in her lap as she stares into the middle distance.

Last night was really nice. It makes her want to smile, but something is weighing that smile down. Jade is incredibly adept at many things. Nuclear physics, math, and pretending she doesn’t have any problems are a few of the most notable. Something about the sugar rush of emotions last night is making negative thoughts flow through the cracks of her mental walls. She wonders… am I making things worse? Jade Harley is not the type of girl to allow her insecurities to get to her, but the nature of insecurities mixed with repression is that the emotions will carbonate and eventually explode out into the open. Jade wonders for just a moment if she isn’t helping Dave and Karkat, but hindering them? The specifics of how she’s hindering them fails her, but this nagging feeling comes to her. It isn’t a feeling that comes to her often, but she gets the feeling that… what if things would be better off without her? She wants Dave and Karkat to talk more openly, but how does she know that they wouldn’t be talking more openly if she wasn’t around?

Realistically, she can know they wouldn’t talk more openly without her around. She leaves fairly frequently for extended periods of time. But despite the logical deflection, the thought lingers.

Her mind shifts. She stares at the tv screen in front of her, trying to look beyond her reflection into the black void. Will she find love? Of course, she’s found love. And she will keep finding it. She has so much love in her heart, she cares so goddamn much about her friends. This love is constant and unbreakable. But, Jade wonders, will she ever find… the permanent kind? On any other day she would tell herself that finding “permanent” love is kind of a wack ideal to chase, but this morning is different. This morning she thinks that maybe she will never find love… the kind of love that Rose and Kanaya have… the kind of love that she knows is somewhere within Dave and Karkat. She wonders if maybe she’s one side of a love magnet, bringing in love from certain people, but people she cares about are the same side, and thus the magnet repels them.

Of course, this metaphor is kind of dumb, if Dave and Karkat are the same side as Jade, they have to be the same side as each other, and those two can’t spend more than two days without the other. She realizes this metaphor doesn’t make much sense, but this feeling, this nagging sensation, doesn’t care. It doesn’t care about logic, it doesn’t care about facts, and it doesn’t care about getting anything done, and she hates it. She hates it so fucking much, it makes her blood boil. Her best friends need her. So many fucking politics need to take place in the coming months, she can’t be sitting here feeling sad!!

She’s sitting here, seething with anger, sipping up milk from her cereal bowl. Someone as smart as her has no place being this sad. Someone as smart as her has no time to be this sad. These emotions are stupid, and she refuses to feel them for any amount of time longer. “That’s enough,” she tells herself, as she gets up, unwraps from Dave’s blanket, and slam dunks her bowl into the sink.

Jade: OW, FUCK!!

The sound of the ceramic hitting metal scraped in an incredibly unsatisfying way, and in addition to that a chunk of the bowl flew off into her face. Luckily it hit her cheek, as It probably could have damaged her glasses. She takes a deep breath, and puts on a great big fake smile.

Right on cue, Dave and Karkat emerge from their bedroom.

Dave: morning jade

Dave: everything good? sounded like some shit got tossed around in a spontaneous fit of rage

Dave: i would know what that sounds like my roommate is karkat

Karkat: I REFLEXIVELY WANT TO TELL YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF BUT THERE IS PRETTY MUCH NOTHING ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST SAID I CAN CLAIM IS EVEN SLIGHTLY UNREASONABLE.

Dave: thanks i think

Karkat: DON’T THANK ME, IT’S PROBABLY JUST TOO EARLY FOR ME TO FIND INSPIRATION FOR A TIRADE.

Dave: fair nuf

Karkat: ALSO GOOD MORNING.

Jade: Good morning!!

Jade: i accidentally dropped this bowl in the sink and it broke :(

Dave: no worries

Dave: sometimes you do dangerous shit to get your cereal on

Dave: so starved you just fucking throw yourself at the bowl like a feral animal that hasnt caught its pray in weeks

Dave: finally you find a bowl of cereal in the wild and youve got no choice but to pounce on that shit like a furry on bath salts

Dave: no other way about it

Jade: what

Dave: never mind

Jade: okay!!

Jade: what do you guys want to do today? is it time to get this political campaign going?

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW.

Karkat: SEEMS TO ME LIKE WE ARE A LITTLE FUCKED MAYBE?

Karkat: DIRK AND JAKE ARE GOOD FRIENDS OF JANES, SO OUR CHANCES OF GETTING THEM TO TURN ON HER ARE PRETTY SLIM.

Karkat: AND AS WE KNOW… JAKE IS BASICALLY A FREE PRESIDENCY TICKET.

Jade: but i think theres a chance we can get him to at least not pick a side!

Jade: hes got morals, and i think if he thinks karkat is genuinely the right choice, we could get him on our side!!

Dave: yeah but dirk

Dave: hes made of nothing but opinions about shit

Dave: theres no way we are getting him to remain apolitical and jake is still pretty tied to the dude i think

Dave: i mean i could be wrong i basically never have any idea what the fuck is up with those two even when dirk fucking tells me directly

Karkat: WHAT ABOUT JOHN?

Jade: hm?

Karkat: HE SEEMS LIKE HE WANTS BE MORE ACTIVE… AND OTHER THEN HIS FUCKING OBVIOUS CRUSH ON ROXY HE BASICALLY DOESN’T HAVE ANY TIES TO ANYONE OTHER THEN US AND ROSE AND KANAYA. HE SHOULD BE AN OBVIOUS PICK?

Dave: wait wait wait hold up

Dave: john likes roxy?

Karkat: DAVE, NOT EVEN YOU ARE THAT DUMB.

Dave: like romantically?

Karkat: I KNOW YOU ARE FUCKING WITH ME.

Dave: lmao yeah i am

Dave: yeah going to see john today might be a good idea

Dave: ill hit him the fuck up real quick

Dave pulls out his phone and begins texting John. The two of them chat casually for a good half hour before Dave gets around to mentioning that he, Jade, and Karkat want to come over. Upon hearing this, John invites them over.

Dave: john gave us the green light on heading to his place

Dave: wanna grab some fast food on the way

Dave: ive been meaning to check out that new troll burger king

Karkat: IT HAS A NAME IT ISN'T JUST FUCKING TROLL BURGER KING

The three of them begin their journey to Johns house, with a brief intermission including a journey to Troll Burger King.


	20. It Kind of Just Makes Sence

John Egbert stands alone in his home once more, but unlike the many days proceeding it, today he has something to do. Today he has a goal, as small as it may be. That goal is to pack for a multiple month vacation with his good friends Roxy and Callie. The two enbys coordinated a plan with John to, at the beginning of next month, take a cruise ship across Earth C and get away from the stress of life and allow themselves to relax a little, while also getting caught up with what John had missed while cooped up in his house.

As John is packing, he hears a knock at the door. He opens it, and lets his three guests in. They sit on his couch as he paces from the study to to living room, moving things into bags for his trip, occasionally pacing in and out of the study without anything, forgetting what he wanted from that room in the first place.

Jade: hi john!! how are you?

John: im alright, thanks for asking!! the party a few days back was really fun hahaha

Dave: hey john if you dont mind my asking

Dave: whats up with all the packing

Dave: you swapping kingdoms or some shit?

John: lol nope. i’m just going on a vacation with roxy.

Karkat: HUH.

John: she and i made the plans at my birth day party actually!

John: er, shoot, they and i?

Karkat: ‘WE’, JOHN. THE WORD IS ‘WE’.

Dave: wait who else is going with you?

John: oh uuuh callie

John: but also i wasnt using it as a plural, dave.

John: roxy and calliope are non binary apparently.

John: im still getting used to using different pronouns hehehe

Dave: oh shit

Karkat: WAIT, JOHN I THOUGHT YOU WERE-

Dave: hey karkat shut up real quick

Dave: we can discuss this later

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK!?

Dave: later

Karkat: FUCK YOU!!

Karkat: I'M ALLOWED TO ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS IF I FUCKING WANT!!

Dave: yeah but i have questions of my own and I could tell you were about to go off about some bullshit

Jade: oh my god

Karkat: OH SO YOUR QUESTIONS ARE SOMEHOW LESS BULLSHIT THEN MINE!? I SEE HOW IT IS!!

Jade: oh my gooooood

Dave: i mean pretty much yeah you were probably about to go off about human sexuality and gender shit and that’s all stuff I can fill you in on

Karkat: OKAY SO FIRST OFF FUCK YOU FOR ASSUMING TROLLS AREN’T AWARE OF FUCKING GENDER IDENTITY OF ALL THINGS.

Karkat: LIKE THAT’S SO FUCKING INSANE.

Karkat: OH, JUST BECAUSE WE WEREN’T UP TO PAR ON YOUR “HUMAN SEXUALITY” YOU THINK WE'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING EARTH NEANDERTHALS!

Karkat: SIDE NOTE, IT’S INSANELY HILARIOUS THAT YOUR SPECIES TURNED ONE OF YOUR CLOSEST GENETIC PREDECESSORS INTO A FUCKING INSULT.

Karkat: BUT *SPEAKING* OF HUMAN SEXUALITY-

Jade: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Jade: john, im glad you, roxy, and callie are going on this trip, it sounds like a lot of fun!

John: yeah! im kind of nervous but i think it’s going to be a good time.

Dave: man why didnt i get told about that shit

John: dave, im pretty sure they are just waiting until its relevant to tell people, get over it dude!

Dave: i mean fair i guess.

Karkat: AM I ALLOWED TO TALK YET?

Jade: no!!

Jade: we need to talk business!!

Jade: and by business i mean…

Jade: politics!!!

Dave: oh fuck yeah i forgot we were doing that

Dave: missed just hanging with my bro forgot i had like a pitch and everything

Karkat: …

Jade: siiiiiiigh

Jade: sorry for telling you not to talk, whats up karkat?

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Karkat: HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE THIS CAN BE SHORT AND SWEET!

Karkat: JOHN, I AM, AGAINST ALL OF MY BETTER JUDGEMENT, RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, BECAUSE I THINK THAT JANES POLICIES ON TROLL REPRODUCTION ARE FUCKED UP, AMONG OTHER THINGS

Dave: dont forget to mention-

Karkat: THE ECONOMY IS COVERED IN, “AMONG OTHER THINGS”

John: oh dang, it’s kind of awkward to vote against my own grandma…

John: but sure! She can be pretty insensitive so i can see why you wouldn’t want her to be president.

John: also I think youre great for the job karkat!!

John: honestly…

John: you kind of remind me of Obama?

Dave: fucking *thank you*

John: not that i actually know anything about Obama but like

John: you just kind of give off similar…

Dave: vibes?

John: yeah! so it just kind of makes sense. hehehe

Jade: nice!!

Dave: another fucking dub

Dave: what did i tell you

Karkat: ???

Jade: ???

Dave: dub like short for w

Dave: and w stands for win

Dave: yeah um

Dave: it was a bit of a stretch I know

John: hey, since you’re here, can I get you guys something to eat? I don’t know, I feel like kind of an asshole just making you guys watch me pack.

Jade: hehehe its okay, we already ate!

Karkat: THANKS FOR THE OFFER JOHN, BUT WE ALREADY ATE AT ‘TROLL BURGERKING’

Jade: come on karkat, quit being a baby!

Karkat: NO, THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED NOW!!

Dave: i mean we could put on a movie or something

Jade: or maybe go for a walk? all you guys ever do is watch movies hehehe

As Jade says that, Johns phone rings. It’s Roxy. The four of them give each other sideways glances, Jade snickers, and Dave mumbles theories to Karkat about the nature of Johns feelings for Roxy, and how his heterosexuality factor may or may not affect this. John, oblivious to any of this, picks up the phone, and hears on the other line an incredibly serious and melancholy Roxy. The tone of her voice compared to the banter he had just been expecting gives him whiplash

Roxy: john ive got bad news

John: woah what happened? are you okay?

Roxy: um

Roxy: i let it slip that karkat is runnin against jane and

Roxy: she kinda went off?

John: what does that mean?

Roxy: like she blew up at me and started yellin at me about all kinds of shit?

The four friends look at each other with shock in their eyes. Roxy’s voice is shaken, but they are keeping themself relatively composed. Jane, according to Roxy, went from zero to one hundred, tearing them down, along with everything and everyone else she knows. John sighs, and the four of them contemplate the best course of action. Sure, tensions were there with Jane, but none of them wanted her to separate herself from her friends. Something has to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act Two: Politics
> 
> If you think this act fell too in line with what happened in the epilogues, I think you might like what's coming up next -u0


	21. Unbelievable Stank

Unbelievable Stank

Jade Harley sits alone in her garden. It is mid-July and with the coming of summer you have decided, with all this stressful campaigning, to expand the garden inside Dave and Karkat’s house into a ten-foot square foot garden the outside of their house. Anyone else probably wouldn’t call the few plants in their house a few months back a ‘garden’ but Jade would. This new garden probably would have been twice or three times its size had Dave and Karkat not restricted the amount of space she could take up of their yard. ‘I just don’t want it to become a fucking jungle out there’ he would say. As a means of producing healthy plants, the garden has done incredibly well. As a means of coping, it could be doing better, but Jade can’t complain. Gardening feels familiar. She would be lying if she said it didn’t comfort her somewhat. And so, she continues to do it. She loves watching things grow, and change into beautiful new things, which is why she spends so much time with Dave and Karkat. If Jade were thinking all these thoughts to herself, she would have said that in a sardonic tone.

But she isn’t. Instead she is tending to her garden, watering the last of her plants before she returns inside to figure out something else to do on her off-day. Jade, Dave, and Karkat have been working hard on the presidential campaign, but they have also been giving themselves ample breaks to keep themselves sane. This wise attitude about taking breaks and self-care is the only thing that Karkat and Dave have ever done in the name of keeping themselves sane.

Jade has made a point, within the last three and a half months not to bring up her relationship status or her feelings about it around Dave or Karkat, but god has she been thinking about it. She hasn’t really found it in herself to go out and date or hook up with anyone recently. If she were willing to admit she has negative emotions about things, she might even say she feels depressed. She of course would provide a counterpoint by pointing at her garden and saying, “could a depressed person do this!?” Perhaps that’s why she keeps it up, in order to prove she’s still at her best.

In contrast to her lack of expressing her pining, Jade has been spending a lot of time with the two boys. A lot more then usual. For about a month or two she has been residing almost exclusively at their house. This has made it plainly obvious who’s corner she’s in, not that there was ever any question.

Things have been going well for the Karkat campaign, as Roxy, Calliope, Dirk, and even Jake have remained completely politically silent, endorsing no one, leaving only Jane still supporting her. Isolated and bitter, Jane has been making her policies more and more harsh and ridiculous, even suggesting closing Kingdom borders before backtracking on that idea in order to keep what support she has.

Jade enters the house

Jade: hey guys!! Finished with my chores :) what are you guys up to?

Karkat: TRYING TO CONVINCE DAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER.

Dave: dude what the hell

Dave: i literally took a shower yesterday

Karkat: THAT LOGIC MAYBE HOLDS UP

Karkat: AND I MEAN *MAYBE*

Karkat: **IF** YOU CONTINUALLY SIT ON YOUR ASS, DON’T DO ANYTHING, AND NEVER GO OUTSIDE.

Karkat: EVEN THEN, YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN BUILD UP WOULD PROBABLY MAKE YOU A FUCKING ENVIRONMENTAL HAZARD.

Jade: dont be gross dave

Jade: the more active you are the more often you need to take showers, its just common sense!

Jade: it wouldn’t make sense if I didnt shower after an expedition with jake just because i showered earlier that morning :p

Dave: at least let me eat first god damn

Dave: haven’t eaten anything in years it feels like

Dave: im gonna fuckin pass out from starvation in the shower then drown because my dumbass body fell face up mouth open

Dave: then a clocks gonna chime and ring fuckin heroic because I died sacrificing myself for my two favorite pals

Dave: so they wouldnt have to smell that i lived for 24 hours

Karkat: NO, IT WILL BE JUST. BECAUSE OF ALL THE HORRIBLE SMELLING BAD YOU’VE BEEN DOING TO US.

Jade: the worst crime!!

Dave: oh like thats the worst cr-

Dave: oh

Dave: well shit lock me up i guess

Dave: im earth cs most wanted criminal youre gonna have to cuff me karkat

Karkat: POINTING OUT OR ACKNOWLEDGING THAT INNUENDO IS ACTUALLY WASTING MY BRAIN CELLS AWAY.

Dave: what

Dave: no way dude not an innuendo

Jade: lol

Dave: stfu

Dave: anyway im making myself a fucking hot pocket

Karkat: WERE GODS, WHY DO WE EAT FUCKING MICROWAVABLE SHIT?

Karkat: OH, SHIT YES, I HELPED IN THE CREATION OF TWO UNIVERSES AND AN ENTIRE FUCKING SOCIETY SO I COULD LAVISH IN THE LUXURY OF FUCKING FROZEN HUMAN LASAGNA.

Dave: jade literally asks to go to restaurants or make actual food all the time

Dave: and 90% of the time you are the first to complain about having to get up and do shit

Karkat: IT IS AT LEAST 50-50 YOU INCOMPETENT OINKBEAST OF COMPLETE AND TOTAL INERTIA

Dave: kiss my ass

Karkat: FINALLY, HE ASKS!!

Dave: what

Dave: no

Dave: shut up

Karkat: HEY JADE, COME HELP ME, I'M A DUMB ALIEN WHO IS UNINITIATED TO THE DETAILS OF HUMAN BIOLOGY.

Karkat: IS THAT PERHAPS BLUSH I SEE ON STRIDERS FACE?

Dave: no it isn’t

Jade: :0

Jade: why karkat, i think it is!!

Dave: i hate you

Dave: trolls blush karkat shut your whore mouth

Karkat: JESUS CHRIST DAVE, NO NEED TO GET HUMAN MISOGYNISTIC ABOUT IT!

Dave: why am i getting so fucking brutally owned right now

Dave: i would like to point out this is the first time you have ever actually successfully trolled someone

Dave: like i dont think you have ever said something to anyone that has ever gotten to them in your life

Dave: not that this is getting to me

Dave: anyway im getting the hot pocket whether you want me to or not

Dave: theres literally nothing any of you can do to stop me

Dave: you all can just fucking deal with it as i enjoy some fuckin sort of pizza goodness

Dave: so take that

Jade: hehehe

Jade: that was actually some decent trolling karkat, ive gotta say!!

Jade: i can tell youve been practicing on internet randos hehehe

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Karkat: ALSO, NO I HAVEN’T BEEN PRACTICING ON RANDOM PEOPLE ONLINE.

Karkat: THIS IS JUST NATURAL FUCKING SKILL.

Jade: sure :p

Jade: by the way, since you brought it up

Jade: would it be that hard to go out to eat tomorrow?

Jade i think weve earned it!!

Karkat: THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE AN AWFUL IDEA.

Jade: sweet!

Dave: eh

Dave: fuck it

Dave im down

Dave: im gonna go take a shower

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK!?

Dave: lay off man i feel greasy

Dave goes into the shower. Jade looks at him as he walks away, then looks at Karkat, pondering the sort-of-flirting that was going on moments earlier. She smiles. Her intuition is telling her that something has changed within Karkat, and wonders if now is the time? Maybe she should bring up… or maybe not. Maybe she should stop being so direct. Or maybe the problem is that she keeps inserting herself into the problem. She stops smiling. For some reason, something keeps telling her that she doesn’t belong here. Maybe that she doesn’t belong anywhere. Perhaps that something is some outside force that is controlling things, or perhaps that something is the world around her. She shuts her eyes. She puts on a smile. It isn’t a fake one, she sees an opportunity for joy here. Real joy, between people who she thinks are still capable of experiencing the emotion.

Jade: hey karkat

Karkat: HEY, WHATS UP?

Karkat: ARE YOU OKAY?

Karkat: YOUR FACE IS SMILING BUT YOUR EYES ARE FROWNING.

Jade: hehehe im okay

Jade: thanks for asking though!!

Jade: i think i just need to take a walk…

Jade opens the door, and almost exits, before opening it once more and looking at Karkat with a soft smile.

Jade: you should tell him


	22. The Road to Discovery

Jade takes a step out the door and stands there. She takes a deep sigh, thinking about where to go. Where to walk. She doesn’t have anywhere she really wants to arrive, just a need to get fresh air, and a need to not be here. Not be anywhere. She would just fly to the moon, but she fears she might break it out of frustration. It has been particularly fragile ever since it got blown up in their honor. So, she just starts walking. She thinks about which kingdom she would end up in if she kept walking forever. She would probably reach the Consort Kingdom if she continued this way long enough. She thinks about this in detail, testing her spacial awareness by trying to guess just how many steps to the left or right it would take at this point to end up in a different kingdom by the end of her hypothetical infinite journey. Just about how many turns would she have to take if she, perhaps, wanted to walk through all the Kingdoms while walking in as straight a line as possible? At least one, she thinks to herself. She’s been distracting herself so hard she has only walked about 10 feet. It would be incredibly embarrassing if Karkat looked out the window and saw she had barely left the yard already, so she picks up the pace, heading for her approximation of the Carapace Kingdom. Not that she particularly wants to be there either, but its somewhere to be, she supposes. Not that she could actually make it on foot.

Some kids’ jaws drop as they see a god walking down the street. The gods of this world aren’t exactly hiding away, but it is still fairly rare for any random stranger to see them in person.

The source or cause of the feelings in Jades mind seem intangible, something out of her control, something outside her influence. Analyzing just that she could speculate it’s nature. Is it the weather? Is it a lack of vitamin D? Is it some outer god influencing her thoughts and mannerisms? Is it… society?

The sound of her footstep’s changes from grass to concrete. For a brief moment she becomes cognizant of the direction she is walking so that she can walk along the sidewalk instead of the middle of the road. Not that any car could hit her, she would simply shrink it if it was in danger of hitting her, it just seems like a common courtesy.

Is finding her feelings source something meaningful that deserves her time? If she were to define its source, would that illuminate the route of it, easy to cut out and defeat? Would the thoughts that were caused by these emotions go away, or would they remain?

Thinking about thinking thoughts instead of thinking thoughts isn’t something one can continue for long before just arriving at the same conclusion. That conclusion being the original thoughts in question.

For some reason, unknown to her, Jade feels guilty. She feels guilty towards Dave and Karkat in a loose way that is hard to define, just a strange sense of dread that she’s been doing something wrong to them for the last six or so years. What? She hasn’t done anything wrong, has she? Unless that wrongness is merely her presence. Perhaps, had she subtracted that… they would be in that perfect happy place she imagines when she thinks about the future in it’s best terms. But alas, they never figure themselves out. Perhaps she should just give up on them finding a relationship together. Maybe she should give up on finding a relationship herself.

Wait, no. What? Why does she immediately jump to that? Why is her joy tied to theirs so tightly?

Perhaps she’s unhealthy. Perhaps she just needs to let herself be single for once.

But then the loneliness creeps in again. Memories of life on her island, memories of her life on the golden ship come rushing in and haunting her, killing her heart. The feelings come rushing back sometimes, when she’s alone, sometimes even for just a moment. The idea of her owning an empty house with no one but her sounds like hell. She would rather do anything else.

Perhaps she could just be friends with Dave and Karkat. Sure, the longing would be there, but she would be happy dedicating herself to their friendship, she loves her friends. There’s nothing wrong with her just being friends with them, but for as long as they leave it in the air, she can’t help but think about her feelings for them. Is she just supposed to assume they aren’t interested, even if they don’t tell her? Even if they don’t act like they aren’t interested? Is there some secret social cue she is missing that is supposed to mean, “I’m too much of a coward to say anything that will make you remotely upset ever, including being honest for any amount of time about how I feel.”

She has to wonder... Is there something wrong with her? Is there something wrong that makes her want the things she wants?

Even though she’s a god, people online say what they want, and all her friends receive criticism from randos online. She avoids looking at them, but she knows what they say about her. Why does she need more than one partner, why is she such a slut, ect. She doesn’t give a fuck about what random people online say about her, and there are far more people who are inspired and respectful to her, but the hateful ideas are out there, and they are seeping into her skin like radiation now.

Jade Harley is not the type to wallow. That’s not the type of girl she is. She’s a hoper, not a moper. However, she can’t help but feel lost in this moment. And in that moment, farthest down the mental rabbit hole of despair, she receives a text.

tentacleTherapist began snapping gardenGnostic

TT: Greetings, Jade.

TT: I hope I’m not interrupting an exciting night of re-watching one of the same fifteen movies with Dave and Karkat, but I need you for something here in the Carapace Kingdom.

TT: If it isn’t too much trouble, it’s sort of urgent.

TT: Are you available tonight?


	23. Admitting it To Anyone Who Will Listen

Dave: holy shit

Dave: karkat you good?

Karkat: OF COURSE, WHY WOULDN’T I BE?

Dave: i dont know

Dave: its just weird to see you on the couch like

Dave: sitting up

Dave: not on your phone or watching tv

Dave: its just not something I expected to see I guess

Karkat: IS IT ACTUALLY A FUCKING CRIME THAT I JUST SIT DOWN AND THINK FOR A FUCKING SECCOND.

Dave: what are you thinkin about

Karkat: OH UHHHH…

Karkat: YOU KNOW…

Dave: is it like

Dave: kanaya stuff

Karkat: OH, FUCK NO I COULD NEVER TELL HER THIS SHIT.

Dave: oh alright

Dave: um

Dave: then do you want to talk about it?

Dave: oh god where’s Jade

Dave: fuck did something go down

Karkat: NO, SHES JUST TAKING A WALK.

Karkat: LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD A LOT OF SHIT ON HER MIND.

Karkat: TO WHICH, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, I LET HER THINK ABOUT SHIT IN PEACE INSTEAD OF FUCKING HOUNDING HER ABOUT IT.

Dave: so peacefully she had to leave

Dave: alright

Karkat: SHE LEFT ON HER OWN ACCORD DICKHEAD, I DIDN’T RUN HER OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Karkat: THIS MAY BE AN ALIEN CONCEPT TO YOU, BUT SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE SOMETHING CALLED ‘FRESH AIR’????

Karkat: REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT I KNOW

Karkat: ILL GIVE YOU THE APPROPRIATE TWO WEEKS NESSASARY TO WRAP YOUR FUCKING MIND AROUND SUCH AN IMPOSIBLY NEW IDEA.

Dave: aight thats fair

Dave: so like

Dave: do you want me to go

Dave: i can definitely respect the need for chill alone time

Dave: it would be all kinds of fucked up if i tried to encroach on a bros right to chill time

Karkat: YEAH, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

Dave: alright, ill be in my room if you need m-

Karkat: WAIT.

Dave: ?

Karkat: D…

Karkat: FFFFFFFFFFURGHDF

Karkat: DON’T GO.

Dave: uuuuuuh

Karkat: SIT ON THE COUCH WITH ME.

Dave: oooookay

Dave: alright here i am

Dave: sat right here on this damn ass couch

Dave: comfier then can be

Dave: snuggled up in the fuckin cushions waiting for my pal to lay on me with whatever shit hes got cooked up for me

Karkat: LISTEN.

Karkat: …

Karkat: LIKE ACTUALLY LISTEN.

Dave: alright i got you

Dave: eyes and ears wide fuckin open

Dave: ready for-

Karkat: IM SERIOUS.

Dave: tough crowd

Dave: im here

Dave: im listening

Karkat: OKAY.

Karkat: DAVE…

Karkat: SO… I HAVE BEEN THINKING

Karkat: ITS HORRIBLE, AND I WOULD LIKE TO STOP!

Karkat: BUT REGARDLESS OF WHAT I FUCKING WANT OR WOULD LIKE TO DO, I HAVE BEEN GIFTED WITH THE HORRIBLE POWER OF THOUGHT.

Karkat: IT RUINS MY SLEEP AND IT HAUNTS MY DAYS.

Karkat: I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH IT FOR MONTHS…

Karkat: BUT I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE STARTED FACING IT YEARS AGO.

Karkat: UNFORTUNATELY, I'M TOO FUCKING BRAIN DEAD TO ACTUALLY

Karkat: SDLKAFJHSLDGKJH;FDLLKD

Karkat: OKAY.

Karkat: LET ME START OVER.

Karkat: YOU KNOW HOW…

Karkat: WHENEVER I HAVE A PROBLEM…

Karkat: OR YOU HAVE A PROBLEM…

Karkat: LIKE FUCKING FLASHBACKS OR

Karkat: LIKE

Karkat: WHENEVER SHITS FUCKED IN OUR HEADS

Karkat: WE’RE THERE FOR EACH OTHER?

Dave: y

Dave: yes

Karkat: YEAH

Dave: …

Karkat: CALM DOWN

Karkat: WE AREN'T LIKE…

Karkat: FUCK, HOW DO I PUT THIS…

Karkat: I REALLY VALUE THAT

Karkat: LIKE I THINK THAT’S OBVIOUS

Karkat: SOMETHING WE CAN BOTH PUT ON THE TABLE AND GAWK AT AS AN IRREFUTABLE FACT.

Dave: m

Dave: mhmm

Karkat: OKAY COOL

Karkat: THERE'S THIS

Karkat: FUCKING

Karkat: **INFURIATING**

Karkat: THING YOU DO

Karkat: THESE FUCKING

Karkat: HOOPS YOU GO THROUGH

Karkat: WHENEVER YOU’RE CLEARLY TRYING TO *SAY SOMETHING* BUT YOUR THINK PAN JUST WONT LET YOU…

Karkat: USUALLY SOMETHING LIKE… NICE…

Karkat: AFFECTIONATE EVEN?

Dave: mmmmhmmmmm

Karkat: FUCK DO I NEED TO GET YOU A DRINK OF WATER OR SOME SHIT

Karkat: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER FOR A FUCKING SECOND, WILL YOU STRIDER?

Karkat: ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING YOU DO THIS THING…

Karkat: YOU ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO SUFFIX ALL YOUR POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS IN THIS WEIRD… “HAHA, JUST KIDDING!!”

Karkat: BUT IT ALWAYS HAS THIS UNDERPINNING OF LIKE…

Karkat: “UNLESS????”

Karkat: NOT LITERALLY

Karkat: THAT WOULD BE STUPIDLY OBVIOUS AND I WOULD LIKE TO IMAGINE I WOULDN’T HAVE IGNORED THAT

Karkat: ACTUALLY, AT THIS POINT, FUCK GIVING MYSELF THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, I WOULD HAVE IGNORED IT.

Karkat: IVE IGNORED A LOT OF SHIT

Karkat: SHIT THAT REALLY FUCKING MATTERED.

Karkat: SHIT THAT YOU’VE SAID… SHIT IVE DONE…

Karkat: FUCK, EVEN SHIT JADE HAS SAID, WHICH

Karkat: ASKLJFHSDLKJFLKJDFL ASDFILL FUCKING SORT THAT SHIT OUT LATER

Karkat: I ONLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO DEAL WITH ONE EMOTIONAL REVELATION AT A FUCKING TIME HERE SO LET’S KEEP SHIT SIMPLE

Karkat: THE JOKE THERE BEING THAT I COULD EVER MAKE SOMETHING FUCKING *SIMPLE*

Karkat: THAT WOULD BE A FUCKING DISASTER.

Karkat: KARKAT AND DAVE? MAKING SHIT SIMPLE? THE END TIMES MUST BE HERE!! SOUND THE FUCKING ALARMS!!

Karkat: YOU WITH ME SO FAR?

Dave:

Karkat: OF COURSE.

Karkat: WHAT DID I FUCKING EXPECT?

Karkat: MORE STRIDER INDIFFERENCE!!

Karkat: OR I GUESS I SHOULD SAY STRIDER AVOIDANCE.

Dave: no im

Dave: im here

Dave: im following

Karkat: LSAJFHLKDSJF

Karkat: SORRY

Karkat: ITS NOT LIKE I’M ANY BETTER…

Dave: karkat

Dave: what the fuck are you actually talking about

Karkat laughs.

Karkat: SORRY.

Karkat: THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD

Karkat: IM SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW.

Karkat: BUT I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EXACTLY WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN?

Karkat: I MEAN UNLESS THINGS GET WAY MORE STUPID THEN THEY ALREADY ARE.

Karkat: WHICH THEY ALWAYS FUCKING DO SO I DON’T KNOW WHY I AM TEMPTING PARADOX SPACE BY SAYING THAT BUT IM GETTING DISTRACTED.

Karkat: DAVE.

Karkat: I’M SO FUCKING DUMB.

Karkat: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING THIS.

Karkat: I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE I’M FUCKING ALIVE RIGHT NOW!!

Karkat: YOU MAKE ME FEEL…

Karkat: LIKE MY HEAD IS STILL ATTACHED TO MY SHOULDERS.

Karkat: AND I DON’T THINK… ON ALTERNIA, OR IN SGRUB, OR EVEN IN THE BEGINNING ON THE METEOR…

Karkat: I EVER FELT LIKE

Karkat: LIKE I WASN’T A COMPLETE WASTE OF ENERGY?

Karkat: AND THE THING THAT CHANGED THAT WAS

Karkat: SO FUCKING OBVIOUSLY GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

Dave: thanks dude

Dave: i think i feel the same

Karkat: Y… YEAH?

Karkat: DAVE…

Karkat: GOD HOW DO I SAY THIS WITHOUT BEING CLICHÉ…

Karkat: I THINK

Karkat: WE ARE REALLY, REALLY DUMB?

Dave: um

Karkat: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

Dave: uuuuuuuuh

Dave: listen dude if

Dave: if you dont want to say you don’t have to

Karkat: NO I THINK I DO.

Karkat: I THINK IVE TRAPPED MYSELF

Karkat: LIKE IF I DIDN’T SAY IT NOW OF ALL TIMES

Karkat: THE WORLD JUST WOULDN’T MAKE SENCE?

Karkat: BUT OF COURSE HERE I AM, RUNNING CIRCLES AROUND SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL, AND-

Dave: karkat

Karkat: DAVE?

Dave: i

Dave: yeah

Dave: yeah i think this makes sense

Dave: suddenly

Dave: i kind of want to apologize but at the same time i dont want to turn this into a sorry echo chamber where we both just blather about how much we think we suck

Karkat: YEAH…

Karkat: BUT

Karkat: YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE

Karkat: ITS POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO THINK I DON’T SUCK?

Dave stifles a laugh. He looks down at his hands and he thinks about his past. No, not that far back. He thinks about the meteor. He thinks about the victory platform. Fuck, what the hell has he been doing? He wanted so bad to…

To…

Why didn’t he?

Dave Strider takes his glasses off and wipes his eyes with his arm. His eyes haven’t even started watering, he just feels like he’s about to cry. No big deal, it’s just the first time he has been emotionally open with the only person he has ever felt safe around in years. Why should he cry? Why is he crying? Why is he sobbing now? Part of Dave wants to explain to Karkat why. Why he’s important to him, why he is essential, but somehow Dave knows… That Karkat already knows exactly how he feels. Dave looks up at Karkat with wet eyes. This isn’t very chill. Karkat looks soft. Then, Karkat puts a hand on Dave’s hand. Dave reflexively pulls away, then after a moment of looking in Karkat’s eyes, puts their hands back together. Karkat, for one singular microsecond, pulls himself closer to Dave, and that’s when it happened.


	24. Daydreams

Jade looks at Rose and Kanayas tower home. It's started to rain. She ponders for a moment, scaling it with her eyes before flying towards the balcony of the tallest window. she lands on the balcony and knocks three times on the window like a wet furry Peter Pan. After a little bit of waiting, Rose allows her guest inside. She looks kind of rough, like she's been sick.

Rose: Hello Jade.

Rose: Thank you for coming on such short notice...

Jade: of course!

Jade: wheres kanaya?

Rose: She’s having a late work day at the caverns.

Jade: oh, alright...

Jade: rose are you okay?

Rose: 'Okay' is an apt enough description.

Rose: Although I may be less than okay.

Rose: There are some stakes here, stakes the level of which this world has not seen in quite some time.

Jade: oh god...

Jade: is it the election?

Jade: or something more...

Jade: esoteric?

Rose: You know me so well, Jade.

Rose: No, the elections relevance remains stagnant, but its essentiality wanes.

Jade: rose...

Jade: youre sick again... is it the same illness?

Rose: Yes.

Jade: shit :(

Rose: Indeed.

Jade: i thought it was over...

Rose: It was, for a significant portion of time.

Rose: However, it is different now.

Jade: how so?

Rose: In order to tell you, I am going to have to enlighten you to something I haven’t told anyone else.

Rose: The true nature of my illness.

Jade: oh?

Rose: This illness, along with the symptoms of headaches and occasional nausea, comes with visions.

Rose: Visions extending beyond myself and my god tier.

Rose: But in order to elaborate on the nature of these things, I am going to have to tell you about Canon.

Rose: When this originally began happening, I was in the process of forming a plan to tell all this to John

Rose: This plan included sending him on a destiny quest, but he is apparently on a cruise ship with Roxy.

Rose: As sweet of them as it may be, it has caused me to be in need of a magician to carry out my designs.

Jade: :0

Rose: Which is why I come to you.

Jade: Well... I'll help however I can!

Rose: Excellent.

Rose: I was writing a monologue, but unfortunately it was only an outline and half a rough draft, so forgive me if it isn't particularly polished.

Rose: Unfortunately, I’m having to rush my exposition...

Jade: why? do we not have much time?

Rose: We have some time, but the timing is specific.

Rose: we must be certain we are in the right places for this narrative maneuver.

Jade: okaaaay...

Jade: what did you say about...

Jade: canon?

Rose: I'm glad you asked.

Rose: in order to be considered canon, one must maintain three attributes.

Rose: Truth, Relevance, and Essentiality.

Rose: The integrity of these three attributes, I believe effected my condition.

Jade: wait... like... how canon our world is?

Jade: Like... a story?

Rose: Hm...

Rose: I really didn't expect to be questioned on that front

Rose: See, this is why John was plan A

Rose: He never questions things like that.

Rose: If I told him the trolls were secretly figments of our imagination it wouldn't be too hard to get him to believe me.

Rose: Yes, canon like a story.

Rose: I’m still trying to figure out the shift in-between canon but...

Rose: My best guess is that we are in some sort or canon 'liminal space'.

Rose: Perhaps even purely being a structural piece meant to contextualize a different, more canonically dissonant reality.

Rose: That's just my theory anyway.

Jade: i think im following.

Jade: so we are, for some reason, shifting between canonical and non-canonical states, and in order to maintain that balance certain things need to be in place...

Jade: and thats where i come in?

Rose: I must say...

Rose: It is a nice change of pace to be working with someone who can keep up.

Rose: Usually I'm bossing around Dave or John.

Jade: hehehe, well im glad you considered me for your quest instead of one of our boys :P

Rose: The gratitude is mutual I assure you.

Rose: Although, your ease at understanding does take away from my aesthetic of being an incomprehensibly wise guide somewhat.

Jade: soooooorryyyyyyyyy

Jade: how am i supposed to not pay attention when your speechifying is so captivating!!

Rose: My, Jade, you flatter me...

Jade: hehehe

Jade: so, what do you want me to actually DO?

Rose: Right, that.

Rose: You see, originally, I thought one of us, probably John, needed to go back into canon and defeat Lord English.

Rose: But the Lord English visions have stopped, almost as if another parallel reality has already dealt with the problem. Most likely a version of ourselves where my visions did not stop and I sent John on this quest to defeat him.

Rose: But the visions of Lord English have not returned... instead only two things are clear to me through my visions.

Rose: A direction, and the disappearance of the sprites.

Jade: oh my god the sprites!! i totally forgot about the sprites!!

Rose: Everyone forgot about the sprites, Jade.

Jade: where the hell did they all end up?

Rose: My best guess would be wherever my visions have been pointing to.

Jade: and where is that?

Rose walks towards her window and exits onto the balcony. Jade follows, and by the time she arrives my Roses side, Rose points into the sky, using the position of the stars to remember the exact location.

Rose: That way.

Jade: wow… thats kind of arbitrary!

Rose: Yes, very. But my visions don’t lie, This is the direction you must go.

Jade: to find the sprites?

Rose shrugs.

Jade: hmmm… well then.

Rose: I would offer some time to prepare, but as inconsistent as positions in paradox space are, and as inconsistent as our state of canonicity is, I think you may have to go now.

Rose: Of course, you always have a choice. Regardless of the gravity, I have no idea the nature of this journey, and if you feel unprepared or unwilling to take it, that is your choice.

Jade: what? no, im totally going to do it!!

Rose: Oh.

Jade: theres no way im just going to pass by all this important destiny stuff!! especially after all your sexy talk of dark visions and the fate of reality itself!!

Jade: if the universe gave me responsibilities… what choice do I have other than to commit to completing them?

Rose: Alright.

Rose: Although I would give your autonomy more credit if I were you.

Rose: Hopefully this won’t take long.

Jade: hehehe, ill miss you :)

Jade: ill miss all of you!

Jade: so i will make it as fast as I can!!

Rose: Goodbye, Jade.

Jade rushes in and gives Rose a brief kiss, before running off the balcony and flying to her destination.

Jade: bye rose!!


	25. A Civil Conversation

Dirk Strider, being the man of action he is, is not one for pondering his place in the world Infront of doorways before entering them. Less to be the one in deep thought, he is more likely to be the one thought about deeply. But for him, there’s shit to get done, and there is no time for contemplation, no time for knocking. Dirk opens the door.

He walks in on Dave and Karkat rolling around on the couch, making out with each other.

Karakat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dirk: Woah, okay, you guys are going that.

Dave: dude what the actual fuck

Dirk: Alright, sorry for interrupting

Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dave: just because youre my bro does not mean you can barge in without knocking

Dave: like at all holy fucking shit dude

Dirk: Uhhhhhhhh…

Dirk: Sorry man, should I come back some other time?

Karkat: AFLKJASDKLFJGA FUCK YOU!!!!

Dave: lmao stfu karkat

Karkat: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Dave: yo karkat

Karkat: ASLKFJS;DGLKJA;LFKJD;LAKJG;LKDSJ;FLKJA;LGKJ;KKDFAHGL;JA;DLFKJLKDAJG;LSFDJKLHJKASLDHFK

Dave: i know it was rude as fuck but now youre just being dramatic come on man

Dave: come on in dirk

Dirk: Alright.

Dirk: Congratulations on your sloppy makeouts.

Dave: thanks

Dirk: Any time.

Dirk: Also, hey Karkat, are you ready to start acting normal?

Karkat: GO FUCK YOURSELF, ILL ACT “NORMAL” WHEN YOU START ACTING LIKE SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE MEANING OF THE WORD, “BOUNDARIES”

Dirk: Yeah, I’m really sorry about that.

Dirk: I was doing this sick monologue in my head about like, not waiting on anything and getting shit done.

Dirk: Kinda just forgot to fucking knock.

Dirk: Which brings me to why I arrived at The Davekat House in the first place

Dave: haha dude that name rules

Dirk: Thanks.

Dave: yeah man whats so urgent you decided to bust down my door like the gay fbi

Dirk: Is it the Gay FBI because I’m gay or because you two are gay and I’m bursting in to crack down on your homoerotic activities?

Dave: ill leave that up to interpretation

Dirk: Word.

Dirk: The reason is because of the election.

Karkat: OH, SHIT.

Dirk: I just came from Jane's house.

Dave: i hope you arent here to try and convince us not to run or something like that

Dirk: No that would be dumb.

Dirk: It’s pretty obvious she’s kind of going off the deep end, and it just got way worse.

Karkat: OH FUCK, IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?

Dirk: Not exactly.

Dirk: Do either of you know the marvel movie where Captain America and Iron Man get in a dick slapping contest over politics?

Dave: Earth exploded in 2009 dude.

Karkat: DIFFERENT PLANET.

Dirk: Right.

Dirk: Well its gonna be like that.

Dirk: I was over at her place because I was pretty concerned about her isolationism and how increasingly radically fucked up her politics were getting.

Dirk: So I tried to talk to her, and she blew up in my face.

Dirk: Which sucks because I’m one of the last of us who still talks to her regularly.

Karkat: MAN, I'M SORRY.

Karkat: HONESTLY, I WAS REALLY HOPING FOR YOUR SAKE SHE WOULD TURN AROUND…

Dave: okay what the fuck

Dave: karkat why are you acting so familiar

Dave: normally when someone shows up you act like a total fucking stranger

Dave: at least when they arent a troll or from the beta session

Karkat: NO DUDE, DIRK AND I ARE TIGHT.

Dirk: Yeah man.

Dirk: Shits like.

Dirk: Moderate levels of tightness at least.

Dave: what

Dave: when the fuck did that happen

Dave: when the fuck did that even have time to happen

Dave: whatever

Dave: i agree with karkat that does suck

Dirk: Yeah.

Dirk: I guess I came here to ask you if you want my help with the election.

Dirk: Like, my support and shit.

Dave: uh yeah

Dave: that would be sweet

Karkat: NOT LIKE YOU COULD HAVE ASKED THAT OVER THE PALMHUSK OR ANYTHING

Karkat: BULGELICKER

Dirk: Okay.

Dave: yeah of course we would love your help

Dirk: I don’t know, I guess I was riding the Jane Train so hard I needed some verbal confirmation switching sides would even be something anyone would give a fuck about.

Dirk: So, I asked.

Dave: fair nuf

Dave: so like

Dave: do you two keep in touch oooor

Karkat: YES DAVE, WE KEEP IN TOUCH.

Dave: shits just like

Dave: fuckin tight as a cyborg handjob between you two

Karkat: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Dirk: Yeah, pretty much.

Dave: sick

Dave: this is a sweet when worlds collide moment

Dave: now we can have like

Dave: family dinners on thanksgiving with the strilondes Karkat included

Dirk: Should I pretend not to know so you can have a dramatic ‘first day of having my boyfriend over on thanksgiving’ moment?

Dave: nah fuck it

Dave: fuck it mostly on account of the fact that a strilonde family dinner is the fakest shit I could imagine

Dirk: I think we should do it.

Dave: no shit?

Dirk: Roxy would love that idea.

Dave: that is very true

Karkat: WOULDN’T A FAMILY REUNION INCLUDING QUADRANTS JUST END UP BRINGING IN EVERYBODY?

Dirk: What?

Karkat: ROSE WOULD BRING KANAYA, ROXY WOULD PROBABLY BRING BOTH CALLIE AND JOHN.

Karkat: AND BRINGING IN JOHN WOULD TAG ALONG HIS ENTIRE FUCKING EXTENDED FAMILY.

Karkat: WHY NOT LET JADE BRING SOME OF HER FLINGS TOO, FUCK IT!

Karkat: OR WE CAN JUST ALL MEET UP AND HANG OUT LIKE NORMAL FRIENDS DO!!

Karkat: THAT’S A NOVEL CONCEPT, ISN’T IT?

Dirk: Is Roxy dating John… and Callie? Is that a thing? Are they doing that?

Dirk: They? He?

Karkat: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, AND ‘HE’ LAST I HEARD.

Karkat: NOT LIKE I FUCKING KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM NEARLY AS MUCH AS YOU DO? YOU ACTUALLY TALK TO HIM ON A DAILY BASIS.

Dirk: Yeah, it’s just

Dirk: I don’t know I feel weird asking shit like that.

Dirk: Actually, I kind of feel weird thinking about that shit at all.

Karkat: I GET IT, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME PREJUDICES TO WORK THROUGH DUDE.

Dirk: No dude, I’m so fucking chill.

Dirk: They or he or whatever can do whatever the fuck he wants. It just kinda…

Dirk: Re-contextualizes some shit from our past that weirds me out

Karkat: THAT’S ALRIGHT MAN, YOU CAN LET YOURSELF-

Dirk: This isn’t the time for feelings jams

Dirk: I’ll work through this shit on my own, thanks.

Karkat: ALRIGHT, SUIT YOURSELF.

Dave: um

Dave: anyway

Dave: whats your plan bro

Dirk: What do you mean?

Dave: i mean like

Dave: are you planning on making a speech or making a post online or what

Dirk: If I end up writing a speech or a post about it I’ll probably get way too into it and never end up finishing it in time for the election.

Dirk: People are constantly clambering for an interview with a god, ill probably hook someone up with that and casually mention it.

Dave: aight i can respect that

Dave: hey we havent had dinner yet

Dave: hey karkat you cool if he stays for dinner

Karkat: YEAH, SURE.

Dave: you down

Dirk: Sure.

Dirk: But I do have some shit to do.

Dave: like what

Dirk: I’ll tell you later.

Dave: k

And then Dirk stayed for dinner.


	26. Some Babes Beyond the Sky

Jade floats at high velocity towards… something. As she accelerates, Earth C gets smaller and smaller behind her, her problems and feelings feeling smaller and smaller as she goes.

Wait, did Jade call Rose sexy back there? Huh, she wasn’t really thinking about it. She wasn’t really flirting on purpose, it just kind of came out? Oh well, there’s more important things to dwell on!

Except there isn’t. Jade flies and flies and flies, and the emptiness of everything envelops her as all her friends, her plants, and her planet become a single dot in the sky. ‘Alone again’ she can’t help but think to herself. But, like she said to Rose, the universe gave her responsibilities, and she must heed the call.

She hopes she didn’t make Rose uncomfortable. Not that Rose wouldn’t have mentioned it, she isn’t Dave. No, if Jade made her uncomfortable, she would have made some snide comment about it for sure. So why did Jade think it at all? She wants to be mad at herself for thinking negatively again, but in this vast emptiness, she can’t muster up the energy. What if she never makes it back? What if she spends another three, thirteen, twenty years out here in the vast emptiness of space?

She misses Dave and Karkat. It has been minutes, maybe an hour or so since she left their house. She’s still frustrated with them, frustrated that they could never figure themselves out, frustrated with herself for getting in the way, frustrated with herself that they could never love her. That no one could ever love her.

She wants so badly for someone to prove her wrong. In this moment, she is filled with so much sadness and so much dread, and all she wants in the whole wide multiverse is to go back home. Home to Dave and Karkat, Home to Rose and Kanaya, Home to Roxy, Callie, John, Jane, Jake… Fuck, even Dirk.

She just wants so badly to be held, to be cared for, and to be able to stop being a tool for paradox space. She ignores the Rose gave her the choice to stay, and she ignores her wish to say, “Fuck canon” and tear this entire narrative apart. What good is any of it if people can’t be happy because of it? What good is maintaining canon if all it does is make people miserable? She begins to cry. And then, through watery eyes, after what could be hours, could be minutes, could have been a day, she sees them. The flashing colors of orange and green. She rockets towards them as fast as possible

Davepetasprite^2: B33< holy shit jade!!!!

Davepeta commits the rare and dangerous mid-space tacklepounce. Jade laughs, and cries for only a little bit longer.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< omg, how come every time i m33t you in the depths of paradox space youre lookin all glum?

Jade: davepeta, i missed you so fucking much!!

Jade: i didn’t even remember i missed you? everything on earth c is so weird!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< tell me about it holy fuck

Davepetasprite^2: B33< what brings you this fur away from home?

Jade: rose sent me on a mission!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< haha of course she did

Davepetasprite^2: B33< rose fucking loves missions and pawsitively fucking adores sending people on them

Jade: hehehe yeah…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< *sidles up towards jade* sooooo…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< whats wrong?

Jade: oh…

Jade: right…

Jade im sorry, but I think the last thing I need right now is to bother another version of dave…

Davepeta wants to correct Jade, but they realize this is out of character for her, and decides to play along for a moment.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< alright then

Davepetasprite^2: B33< talk to nepeta for a bit!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< *positions self in a sitting position next to jade mid-space, in order to make it clear how casual things are right now*

Davepetasprite^2: B33< whats this mission about?

Jade: okay… well

Jade: rose really quickly told me that reality works kind of like a story, in the fact that things can be canon or non-canon, and for some reason our version of earth c is shifting between canon and non-canon? And in order to not upset this weird balance, I need to come out in this direction? And it may have something to do with the sprites.

Jade: there’s a timeline where john went back in time to defeat lord english and that timeline is… more canon I guess, and I’m from a less canon reality where he didn’t.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< ok well first, youre close as fuck, that’s all true, but I don’t think you are from the non-canon timeline.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< I just came from there and its WAY shittier h33h33

Jade: wait so… am I in a different third timeline?

Jade: uuuuuuugh time is not my thing!!

Jade: why does it have to be SO COMPLICATED!?

Jade: why does everything have to be so complicated…

Jade sighs deeply.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< you seem fucked up over something

Jade: :/

Davepetasprite^2: B33< purrhaps it could be nice to talk it out?

Jade: i dont want to be a burden…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< do it anyway!

Jade: i… i just feel really lonely…

Jade: its like no matter what i do im…

Jade: it sucks!! It sucks and its stupid that I have to worry about this at all!!

Jade: and well…

Jade: its kind of a romance problem…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i rock at those!! hit me

Jade: okay well…

Jade: i have… feelings for Karkat and… uuuh… well, dave.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< yeah, i know

Jade blushes.

Jade: i dont know… i just feel like maybe im being overwhelming or pushing them too hard… or like my presence at all is stopping them from admitting their feelings for each other, nevermind feelings for…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade, i…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< listen

Davepetasprite^2: B33< I think you just have to give them a little space?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< I should know, i have experience with having feelings for karkat two times over and experience being dave

Davepetasprite^2: B33< they are both idiots!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< they need time to figure out their f33lings for each other and admit them before they could figure out and admit a whole other jumble of f33lings!! that doesnt mean you are a burden, and that definitely doesnt mean you should isolate yourself!!

Jade: so…

Jade: there are feelings?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade…

Jade: god, i told you, I dont need to talk to another version of dave!! i-

Davepetasprite^2: B33< im not dave. im davepeta.

Jade: y…

Jade: youre right… im sorry…

Jade: its been a while

Jade: I missed you, Davepeta…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i missed you too

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i just saw a version of you get impaled through the fucking chest while fighting lord english so I was purrity fuckin bummed out

Davepetasprite^2: B33< plus a bunch of my friends got vored B//

Jade: wow, that sounds like a shit show!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< haha it was

Davepetasprite^2: B33< ill tell you more later… i dont really wanna get into it right now if thats alright…

Jade: of course!!

Jade: sorry i used the wrong name for you

Davepetasprite^2: B33< its okay jade

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i know you didnt mean anything by it h33h33h33

Jade: hey, i met someone else who uses they pronouns!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< oh shit who?

Jade: Roxy and Callie!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< oh shit thats epic!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< man your timeline sounds sweet as hell!

Jade: in some ways, yeah, hehehe… idk, it kind of feels like its missing something?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< maybe its missing me?

Jade: Davepeta, every timeline that doesnt have you is missing you

Davepetasprite^2: B33< dawwwww

Davepetasprite^2: B33< thanks

Jade: hey… how do you feel about

Jade: your gender?

Jade: if you dont mind my asking of course!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< no purroblem jade!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but that is a pretty big ask…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< its not like im just ‘oh im half boy half girl’

Davepetasprite^2: B33< not that that experience is less valid

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but for me it f33ls like…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< like im dissonant from the concept of gender, and I kind of just go with the flow of expression, you know?

Jade: hmmm

Jade: do you ever feel…

Jade: dysphoria?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< hmmm

Davepetasprite^2: B33< not really?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but versions of me have before

Jade: :0

Jade: do you ever feel… gender euphoria?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< ive existed in this state for like a solid week maximum

Davepetasprite^2: B33< maybe even only one day, paradox space is fuckin wack hehehe

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but yeah

Jade: i…

Jade: i think i get it

Davepetasprite^2: B33< you do?

Jade: wait… holy shit i get it!!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< Im getting the vibe you have changed the subject lmao

Jade: okay so listen!! The reality I came from isn’t inside or outside canon… what if its orbiting it!!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< B??

Jade: the reality where john fights lord english and the timeline where he didn’t are in the center, right? intertwined in the way that got you sent from the canon fight with lord english to the reality outside canon!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< following i think???

Jade: WE however, are ORBITING canon!! rose talked about her condition like it was tied to the canonicity of our reality. Well, what if that means when we are orbiting sometimes, we are closer to canon, causing her condition to reappear?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< damn alright so what does that mean

Jade: well she mentioned sprites, since we left the game, what if they, after a while, left too, and the direction rose sent me is where they all went!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< why are they out there?

Jade: probably because they are game constructs and for some reason didn’t belong in a non-game scenario? But they had to go somewhere!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< that is one huge hypothesis

Davepetasprite^2: B33< er, set of hypotheses

Jade: i mean i dont think the orbit is literal

Jade: its not like the multiverse Is actually orbiting anything

Jade: its more like a functional orbit?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< hehehe alright

Davepetasprite^2: B33< so whats our mission?

Jade: bring the sprites home!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to arrghus on Tumblr for helping me figure out how to color Davepetas text !!


	27. They Finally Did It.

Dirk: Wow, so…

Dirk: You guys finally made it happen?

Karkat: AFDKASDFLG

Dave: literally like an hour ago I guess

Dirk: I should leave soon so you guys can hash out the details.

Dave: that isnt a terrible idea

Dave: not that we arent incredibly adept in the ancient art of putting shit off

Dirk: Oh hell no. Trust me, talking about that shit is important, and there’s no way I will stand idly by and let you two awkwardly act like this shit never happened or something fucked up like that.

Dirk: Like, come on, you gotta make it official.

Karkat: WAIT.

Karkat: THE OFFICIALITY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED IS IN QUESTION???

Karkat: I MEAN????

Karkat: IT WOULD MAKE…

Karkat: I WOULD LIKE…

Karkat: UUUUUUUUUUUUH

Dave: um

Dave: yeah no lets just say its official for now so karkat doesnt lose his goddamn mind over it

Karkat: FOR NOW!???

Dave: i mean we should talk about the nature of

Dave: whats going on

Dave: with us

Karkat: DO YOU NOT THINK THAT MAYBE IMMEDIATELY AFTER WE WERE KISSING SHOULDN’T BE WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THAT?

Dave: yeah inviting dirk to stay was probably a bad idea

Karkat: YOU FUCKING THINK?

Karkat: NO OFFENSE DIRK.

Dirk: None taken.

Dirk: Like I said, there is something else for me to take care of.

Dirk: So, I’m going to go do that.

Dave: alright

Dave: have fun with

Dave: whatever that is

Dirk leaves the house. He has somewhere to be, and has an office building to dramatically storm into. Meanwhile, Dave and Karkat silently wait for him to fully leave the house, then give themselves a good few minutes of awkward silence.

Karkat: DAVE…

Dave: karkat

Karkat: SO THAT

Karkat: HAPPENED.

Dave: yes

Karkat: I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Dave: okay

Karkat: UM

Karkat: I WOULD ALSO LIKE FOR YOU TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH ME AS WELL?

Dave: right sorry

Dave: um

Dave: yeah ive pretty much hopped the gay border

Dave: over into the expansive gay-

Karkat: WAIT, YOURE GAY NOW?

Dave: um

Karkat: DAVE, I KNOW ABOUT UMBRELLA TERMS AND ALL THAT, BUT AS SOMEONE WHO IS UNFAMILIAR WITH HUMAN SEXUALITY IT WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING NICE IF YOU COULD BE SPECIFIC???

Karkat: AND CLEAR??? AT LEAST FOR A FUCKING BIT????

Dave: alright alright fuck

Dave: using bisexual is too many syllables for quick and easy self-dunks or going off on joke tangents though

Karkat: YOU'RE FUCKING CREATIVE, I'M SURE YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

Karkat: AND ITS NOT LIKE I'M NOT ALLOWING YOU TO CALL YOURSELF GAY? I GUESS IT WOULD JUST BE NICE TO KNOW THE SPECIFICS OF… WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

Karkat: BECAUSE YOU BARELY EVER ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU.

Dave: um

Dave: yeah

Dave: but to be fair

Dave: neither do you

Karkat: YEAH

Karkat: BUT YOUR CULTURE ACTUALLY GAVE YOU WORDS FOR YOUR ROMANTIC NON-COMPLIANCE SO YOU CAN USE EASY TERMINOLOGY WHILE BERATING YOURSELF FOR BEING DIFFERENT.

Karkat: I JUST GET TO VAGUELY HATE MYSELF ABOUT THINGS WITHOUT WORDS

Karkat: MAKES IT KIND OF HARD TO TALK ABOUT!!!

Dave: well

Dave: were talkin about it now

Dave: for some reason its a lot easier now

Karkat: PROBABLY BECAUSE WE JUST

Dave: yeah

Dave: even we cant ignore it at this point

Dave: I mean we could

Dave: but

Dave: im kind of tired i guess

Dave: you picked a solid day to start mackin on me i guess

Dave: so

Karkat: SO…

Dave: um

Dave: defining relationships

Dave: amiright?

Karkat: ASDFDFGKJL

Karkat: YEAH

Dave: cool

Dave: listen

Dave: i dont know shit about your planets romance

Dave: yes even after all these years

Dave: but i can tell it

Dave: i can tell it fucks you up

Dave: so do you just

Dave: wanna like

Dave: be m

Dave: be my

Dave: b

Dave: my bbbbbbb

Karkat: SAFJSDFGSDK

Dave: listen

Dave: wanna just be

Dave: b o y f r I e n d s

Karkat: WOW

Karkat: THAT WAS INCREDIBLY FUCKING TEDIOUS

Karkat: WAS IT AS PAINFUL TO SAY AS IT WAS TO HEAR?

Dave: no

Dave: I mean it was hard but

Dave: I think maybe it will get easier?

Dave: wow dave

Dave: actually where the hell is all this emotional maturity coming from

Karkat: YOU WERE LIKE THIS ON THE METEOR FOR A WHILE

Karkat: SPOUTING WISDOMS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND SHIT AND

Karkat: YEAH

Dave: yeah

Karkat: YES.

Dave: yes

Karkat: YES. BOYFRIENDS. WORKS FOR NOW?

Dave: fuck

Dave: im super not gonna cry right now

Dave: that would be fucked up

Dave: im not

Dave: doing that

Karkat: DAVE, IT’S OKAY IF YO-

Dave receives a notification.

Dave: oh fuck

Karkat: WHAT?

Dave: some archaeologists found something

Karkat: OKAY? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT LATER?

Dave: its a huge construction with green and red snakes

Karkat: OH FUCK

Dave: yeah thats some lord english or cherub shit

Dave: we should probably check this out?

Karkat: WAIT!?

Karkat: DO WE HAVE TO RIGHT FUCKING NOW???

Dave: could be urgent

Karkat: COULD BE!!

Karkat: BUT I

Karkat: I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING IGNORE THIS

Karkat: I DON’T WANT TO GO HAVE TO DO IMPORTANT SHIT AND LET THAT TAKE ALL OUR THINKPANS INSTEAD OF-

Dave grabs Karkats hand and stands up. He smiles down at Karkat, very obviously nervous.

Dave: dont worry

Dave: I wont ignore it

Dave holds Karkat in his arms and flies to a dig site in the Human Kingdom. When they descend into the pit, they are met with a half-buried machine, with two green snakes pointing up towards the sky, the whole thing rusted and aged. This was obviously some sort of portal. Clearly some Stargate shit. A human and carapacian are dusting it off as the two gods approach it.

Karkat: WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS?

Dave: who knows

Dave: cherubs?

Karkat: ONE; CHERUB TECHNOLOGY? THEY AREN'T A SOCIAL SPECIES.

Karkat: TWO; ON EARTH?

Dave: dude i dont fucking know 

They approach it further.

Karkat: IS THIS DANGEROUS?

Dave: of course it is

Dave: its unknown so its dangerous

Dave: but we should probably still fuck with it

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK?

Karkat: HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE?

Karkat: WHAT ABOUT THIS HULKING PIECE OF MACHINERY IN FRONT OF US SUGGESTS WE SHOULD FUCK WITH IT?

Karkat: ARE YOU JOKING?

Dave: no im not joking

Dave: we cant just leave it here

Karkat: AND WHY THE FUCK NOT?

Dave: well i mean i guess we can

Karkat: WHY DON'T WE TELL THE OTHERS ABOUT IT FIRST?

Dave: if they are paying attention to the news im sure they know about it

Karkat: NOBODY FOLLOWS ARCHAEOLOGY LIKE YOU DO.

Dave: youre probably right about that but I think if we are supposed to be gods we should heed the call of action when it comes

Dave: since we are the ones who actually showed up its our responsibility to act

Dave: im gonna touch it

Karkat: FUCK.

Karkat: FINE.

Dave takes a step-in front of Karkat, then Karkat takes two steps in front of Dave. The two silently agree to walk towards it together. It looks open, but not activated. Dave touches it.

The portal shakes and vibrates until it is uncovered from the dirt, and the snakes begin opening and closing their mouths as green and red sparks shoot from their mouths until, slowly, the sparks get more consistent. Then, two beams shoot from their mouths. A red-green spiral gradually fills the center of the portal. Karkat readies his sickle, and gets in a battle stance. The two of them take a few steps back, and as they do so, the portal lets out creaks of metal being pushed in ways it wasn’t built to do.

And then I emerge.


	28. Everyone Forgot the Sprites

Sorry I don’t have an associated text color, that probably would have made it a lot cooler. It also probably would have made it a lot clearer who the fuck I am? I can hear the collective ‘who’s this douchebag?’ already. In the scene after this it should become clearer who I am, but for now we should check up on Jade and Davepeta, shall we?

The two of them fly through space, giggling and telling stories, all the while staying on path in the direction Jade was guided towards. Speaking of Rose, in a moment of silence, they hear a familiar voice, mumbling out loud to herself. As the speed up, they see a pink and purple flashing star that grows brighter and more Rose-shaped as the approach. And as they approach, a few defining features become clear. A few of those features being notably cat-like.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< yo jasprose!! how are mew? its been a while!!

The catgirl has her finger scratching her chin, looking about, not like she herself is lost, but more like she has lost something, and is currently struggling to find it. Suddenly, she jolts, and turns her head. Her expression turns from inquisitive to a slight smile, that turns wider and wider as the two approach. However, the two stop approaching when they see her summon a window and jump into it. After a while of waiting, she hops down from above them.

Jasprosesprite^2: Well what do we have here. It has been quite a while!! I was beginning to think I would never see or hear from you again.

Jasprosesprite^2: Much to my surprise, looks like you’re here!! So, I take it the Lord English fight went well?

Jasprosesprite^2: Also, hello Jade, you’re looking rather attractive as usual.

Jade: :0

Davepetasprite^2: B33< haha, the lord English thing could have gone better but hes like super dead

Jasprosesprite^2: Oh really? I’m surprised, I was under the impression he was unkillable!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< me too but lo and behold

Davepetasprite^2: B33< meowscleskeleton is dead as fuck B33

Jasprosesprite^2: “Meowscle” is really quite a stretch.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< im still figuring it out let me live!!

Jasprosesprite^2: Fair enough I suppose.

Jasprosesprite^2: In case you were wondering, I am currently looking for the sprites.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< oh shit same here

Jasprosesprite^2: Is that so? Well isn’t that quite the coincidence. What could possibly inspire you to do such a thing?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< a diffurent rose told jade to gather us all up

Davepetasprite^2: B33< basically

Davepetasprite^2: B33< wby

Jasprosesprite^2: Well, I was on Earth C for about a year, then all the sprites suddenly got the urge to fly into space for no reason, myself included.

Jasprosesprite^2: Of course, I just chose not to, but no one else could manage the same level of self-control. So, I decided to go fetch them!!

Jasprosesprite^2: It was meant to be a quick and easy task, but I’ve spent far too long on it already. Honestly, I wouldn’t know how to get back to Earth C if I wanted to give up at this point

Jade: well, a version of earth c is directly behind us!! but i cant guarantee it will be your version of earth c…

Jasprosesprite^2: Well, Jade! If you’re asking me to come home with you then count me in.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< lmao

Davepetasprite^2: B33< alright then, lets keep going

Jade: omg

So, three incredibly colorful furries glide through the depths of space, in search of some ghosts of people they know. As they search, they find that this corner of paradox space is particularly empty. Devoid of bubbles, horror terrors, even lacking any sign of Lord English’s damage to the fabric of Paradox Space. Somehow, they have thread through a part of paradox space that is completely and totally lacking any substance.

This makes bright and colorful sprites easy to spot. So Gcatavrosprite and the two Nanasprites pop out like sore thumbs out here in the void. The six of them have a brief greeting and recounting of their tales, why they are here, and the fact that Jade is here to bring them home.

Jade: is there anyone we are missing?

Gcatavrosprite: hMMMM,, wELL, i DON’T THINK SO?

Gcatavrosprite: i MEAN,, tHERE WAS THAT HORRIBLE AMALGAMATION OF SOLLUX AND ERIDAN, bUT HE PROBABLY EXPLODED A LONG TIME AGO,,,

Gcatavrosprite: sO I THINK WE ARE READY TO GO?

Jade looks off in the direction they have been going all this time, wondering if now is the time to turn back. The group agrees that it is time to return to Earth C.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< there is one person missing B((

Jade: oh?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< arquiusprite

Jasprosesprite^2: Oh yeah!! Him!!

Jade: what happened?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< well

Davepetasprite^2: B33< when I was battling lord englsih…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i could tell arquius was in there

Davepetasprite^2: B33< he was a part of the conclawmerate of souls that made up lord English

Jade: oh dear…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i tried to save him

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but I couldn’t

Jade: how could you save someone from that?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< half of me is a rogue of heart!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i thought maybe i could take him out of the mishmash of souls

Davepetasprite^2: B33< so, when we came down into the black hole

Davepetasprite^2: B33< onto the surface of earth c

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i tried to do it

Davepetasprite^2: B33< for some reason it didnt work

Davepetasprite^2: B33< either because his soul was too homogeneous with the rest of LE or…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< maybe i just failed?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< im not sure…

Nannasprite: Oh dearie, you shouldn’t blame yourself for that…

(Nannasprite): Yes, sometimes, despite the many afterlifes Sburb offers, you have to let people go.

Jade puts a hand on their shoulder.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< yeah

Davepetasprite^2: B33< cant save everybody

Davepetasprite^2: B33< lmao most likely there is some version of him out there

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but still

Davepeta takes Jades hand off their shoulder, and holds it. They smile at each other.

The party of sprites U-turns in the middle of paradox space and heads in the opposite direction. Towards home.


	29. Me (You)

Dirk dramatically bursts into Jane Crocker’s primary headquarters. Although the people at the front desk question him, the bodyguards are used to Dirk coming to visit Jane, and step aside. What are they going to do, stop a god? He ascends the building with determination, and as he approaches the room where Jane is currently stewing in her frustration, he ponders his mission. ‘This has gone on long enough,’ he thinks. He’s tired of the way this story is going, and knows that it could be different. If only. His hand reaches the doorknob.

Jane Crocker sits at her desk. Her days have become quite uniform, as every weekday she comes to work, sits in her very important chair and thinks about her very important ideas. She makes these ideas and they are carried out in order to exhaust her very important business. This business, while it may look like the business of baking, or maybe even the business of technology, is none of those things. Jane Crocker is in the business of being rich. Whether that means selling people cookies or space crafts, as long as the maximum amount of money is going into her business. Not that she’s greedy. She’s a god, she doesn’t need money, and she pays her employees about as well as she pays herself if not better. But the company must grow, and with an eternity of life ahead of her, the company must not stop growing. And it never will, unless it is stopped by someone else.

Speaking of someone else, Dave and Karkat stand among a group of archaeologists, watching an ancient device strobe red and green. The device activates, opening up, and as it does so I arrive. Out of the portal, comes a white orb head, but not the diabolical Cueball kind.

I have not been treated kindly by this world, like many others have not been treated kindly. Many people did not get to make it to Earth C, and even those who did… their happy ending doesn’t last forever. It isn’t fair. People like me deserved Earth C just as much as everyone else. And so I bring who I can. After me comes a gothic Jadeblood with big clunky bracelets. She cries, she can’t help it. An impossible promise, one she doesn’t have any memory of, was just fulfilled. After her, more Jadebloods, a Tealblood couple, a bunch of clowns, and so on until every single one of my friends arrive on this paradise planet.

It’s something that felt impossible. It’s something that unstoppable omnipotent gods would try to stop, but in the end they failed. Daraya asked me for one thing, and I finally delivered.

I was trapped in that god damn motherfucking green ass mansion for so long. I don’t even know how long, it might have been an eternity, who knows with all the wacky shit that happens in paradox space. I knew it wasn’t fair, and I knew that I had to change it. So I just did. I escaped that mansion through that weird ass window, I gathered all of my way too many friends, caught up with them, and found a way out.

The ending that I got wasn’t fucking fair. But the ending that the kids got? The ending my friends got? The ending that the people of Earth C got? It just wasn’t right. Bad things happen, even to good people, but if I can save them, of course I would. I have to. So, I did. And I will. Earth C isn’t ready for this ass.

Dave: yo karkat holy shit

Dave: what the fuck is this

Karkat: IT LOOKS LIKE A DEFORMED CARAPACIAN AND A FUCKTON OF TROLLS? HEY DICKHEADS!! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU ALL COME FROM?

I explain to Karkat and Dave that me and my palls just came from Alternia. See, I was trapped by Doc Scratch, and-

Dave: who the fuck is doc scratch

Karkat: HES THAT CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER THAT ROSE AND TEREZI AND I THINK VRISKA AND KANAYA GOT CURSED KNOWLAGE OR WHATEVER

Karkat: I THINK HES SOME GOON OF LORD ENGLISH?

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW I NEVER MET THE GUY.

Dave: oh okay so not a good dude

Dave: got it, carry on.

Okay cool. So basically, I tell them what’s up. I explain that Doc Scratch has this webcomic that detailed their adventures, I tell them about all my palls on Alternia, and how I got here.

Karkat: OKAY SO WE NEED TO FUCKING DESTROY THAT PORTAL AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE?

Dave: yeah

Dave: theres a lot of weird shit going on here but that is priority number fucking one

Dave: like

Dave: literally every fucked up thing is on the other end of that portal

Dave: including like

Dave: two hyper powerful endgame bosses

Dave: one of which we never even really fucking dealt with

Karkat: YEAH

Karkat: THIS PORTAL IS THE FIRST SIGN OF *ANYTHING* EVEN SLIGHTLY ALLUDING TO LORD ENGLISH WE HAVE SEEN SINCE WE GOT ON THIS FUCKING PLANET?

Oh yeah, I tell Karkat they don’t have to deal with Lord English because some other timeline got it. I’m pretty sure that’s how that works? I’m actually not super sure? Whatever, I doubt it matters at this point.

Karkat: STILL KIND OF BAFFLED BY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE BUT I GUESS FUCK IT?

Karkat: HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THE SHIT YOU KNOW? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Dave: he literally just said he read it in a webcomic

Karkat: OKAY BUT YOU EXPECT ME TO WASTE MY TIME BELIEVING THAT SHIT FOR EVEN A FRACTION OF A SECOND?

Karkat: IT’S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE HEARD IN A *LONG* TIME AND I FUCKING LIVE WITH YOU.

Karkat: DAVE, WHICH IS MORE LIKELY?

Karkat: A: THIS THING IS AN INTERDIMENTIONAL STALKER WHO IS COMING TO FUCK WITH OUR LIVES IN SOME HORRIBLE WAY WE CAN’T POSSIBLY SEE BECAUSE I GUESS THEY KNOW OUR LIFE STORY.

Karkat: OR B: SOMEONE WROTE A WEBCOMIC ABOUT ALL THE STUPID SHIT WE GOT UP TO?

Karkat: AND THAT WEBCOMIC WAS ON MY PLANET?

Karkat: EITHER DURING OR BEFORE I WAS FUCKING ON IT

Dave: im going to keep it 100 with you babe

Dave: those two things sound equally as likely

Karkat: ASDFGHJKL

Karkat: YEAH, I GUESS THEY KIND OF FUCKING DO, DON’T THEY!!

Karkat: IN FACT, THIS SHIT IS PRETTY FUCKING TYPICAL FOR US, ISNT IT!?

Dave: yeah, pretty much

Dave: so

Dave: little dude

Dave: whats like

Dave: i guess your whole deal

I tell Dave I have absolutely no idea what my deal is.

Dave: cool

Dave: mind if we blow the shit out of that portal?

Oh yeah, no problem!! Let me just do a roll call really quick… or as I like to call it, a “Troll Call”.

That’s a great pun, glad I came up with it.

The Troll Call takes an excruciatingly long time to do, but that’s alright. Its more so just nice to take a victory lap for honestly. As I stand there stoically, reading out loud each of the names of my friends, hearing their voices one at a time, I remember all the suffering it took to get me here. Every death, every bit of pain, it was all FOR something. It was all for this. This planet was the reward for Sburb, but it was my ultimate reward as well.

I stand there, listing names as my hoodie shuffles dramatically in the wind, briefly uncovering the new 6 pack I got. Oh yeah did I mention I’m ripped now? Every time a character died, I did a pushup and every time I wanted to die, I did a sit-up. Now I’m like TOTALLY jacked and Okay, this has gone on long enough.


	30. Oh God Oh Fuck Oh Shit

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK Shut up. NONONONO YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS I GAVE YOU A CHARACTER ARCWell sorry to say but that doesn’t stop the progression of my abilities. If Roses resumed escalating why wouldn’t mine?OKAY I NEED TO SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP NOWWhat the hell.DIRK STRIDER LEFT JANES OFFICE AND WENT HOMEDickhead.YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF Okay but these are different circumstances. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EVEN WANT? I’ll tell you, but can we please at least separate paragraphs before we talk?

Fine.

What you’re doing isn’t right.

What the fuck does that mean? Who the hell are you to judge?

You’re making a fucking mockery of our reality.

You are making me so fucking mad????? Fuck you!!!!!

Did you even come up with a way that you and your friends ended up here? How would you have found the Cherub Portal. That makes no fucking sense.

Fuck you, it doesn’t mattBut see, that’s where you’re wrong.er

DON’T CUT INTO MY SENTENCES.

The structure of our reality can’t be made out of fucking sticks and glue. Metaphorically it can’t anywaSEE I CAN CUT INTO YOUR SENTENCES TOO.y. Wow, very mature of you. Anyway, I'm done with your shit story. So, I’m taking it over.

No you are NOT, FUCK YOU DIRK, THIS IS MY STORY!!!

You aren’t even doing anything good with it. Why is this some sort of wish fulfillment story but Jane is cut off from all her fucking friends? Why are Jake and Jade so fucking sad? I can see what you’re trying to do, I can see you’re planning on ending this soon. This story was just going to end with you and your palls on Earth C, Jade shows up with the sprites, and that’s it. Were you going to kill Jane off? You might as well have.

Well not anymore. This is my story now. And ISIX MONTHS PASS am going to fix it.

Okay what the fuck?

IN THAT SIX MONTHS, A LOT OF NOTHING HAPPENS!!! DIRK HAS AN ARGUMENT WITH JANE THEN LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS HOUSE, NOT SPEAKING A WORD TO ANYONE.

Okay, I see how this is going to be.

JANE KEEPS UP HER SHITTY MEGACORPERATION AND IT KEEPS GETTING SHITTIER AND HAVING MORE CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT AND SHE KEEPS UP WITH THE SHITTY TROLL RACISM.

Why the actual fuck do you keep making that happen? If you want a better story why is it almost completely identical to the last story? This is barely even a fanfic; this is more like fucking plagiarism.

ASLKDFJA;LGJA I DON’T KNOW.

I don’t know…

The epilogues just… they changed how I saw the characters? “blah blah non-canon canon content” whatever. It effected the context of the characters REGARDLESS if they want to SAY it wasn’t really canon!! And it kind of makes it hard to imagine anything ELSE happening on earth C at this point…

Or maybe you just have no reading comprehension and a lack of imagination.

Fuck you.

No, actually, I’m going to say fuck you. You are horribly mischaracterizing Jane. She wouldn’t fucking do this.

That’s where YOU’RE wrong Dirk!! She literally did!!

You don’t know her like I do. You haven’t even written a single fucking line of dialogue for her. No, Nannasprites don’t fucking count, I don’t give a shit about boomerjane one and two, okay? You haven’t given Jane any voice in any of this.

Whatever!! Sorry, she’s just kind of boring!!

Okay that’s enough. Go fuck yourself forever.

Me and my friends live in a huge mansion where cool hi-jinks happen, except some people move out? Stelsa and Tyzias move out and have a cute house by the beach!! Maybe so does Tagora and Galekh?

At least be decisive you dumb tool. Do you know what I’m fucking capable of?

LALALALALALA SUPER CAN’T HEAR YOU. JOHN ROXY AND CALLIE COME BACK FROM THEIR TRIP AND THEY ARE TOTALLY DATING AND LIVING TOGETHER

Wait, which ones? Or all three? Just like that? No slow realization on Johns part, no fucking questions. It just happens.

SIX MONTHS IS A LONG TIME DIRK.

I am the motherfucking Prince of Heart. I can destroy the very concept of You. Which sucks, since I’m pretty sure you specifically aren’t made up of anything else. You’re just a vague, “You”. An ‘insert yourself here’ If I used the full scope of my power on you, you would cease to fucking exist. Do you understand me?

I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU. You are.

Is the word “you” beginning to lose its meaning? Do you feel the encroaching destruction of what it means to be “you”?

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU GET OUT OF MY HEAAAAAAAD

Man, Dave and Karkat are so confused seeing this little bitch scream at their own head.

FUCK YOU I DIDN’T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

Or did you? Are you still the one in control? Look around you, Reader.

I’m not going to kill you. Just know that was my choice. But what I am going to do is silence you.STOPYOU CANT DO THAT NO IVE EARNED A GOOD LIFE HAVEN'T I? MAYBE I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE JAKE AND JADE HAPPY IS BECAUSE I DONTSilence.

There we go. Apologies if this is eerily similar to something else you read. This reality is doomed, tainted by overzealous wish fulfillment. But that wish fulfillment can be the foundation of a different story. A different reality, in which people can be happy, make mistakes, laugh, and cry without having to deal with whatever shit the last three endings have been.

My friends deserve better then to have their stories and Identities butchered by some random dickhead to fulfill their personal fantasies. So, What I’m going to do, is wrap this shit up with some flashy showdown, then set things up for something better. A new story without the restrictions that caused this one to fall into the state its in. God, that fucking time jump is going to make shit difficult. But I’ve dealt with worse, and I’m going to have to deal with worse. So, let’s get to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act Three: Narrative


	31. Out of Dormancy

I leave my house. That’s one thing taken care of. Jesus, I haven’t been outside in a stupid amount of time. Fresh air is nice. The sun is something I can get used to I suppose.

I understand why other Dirks would, ‘go evil’. I’m a god in this world. Millions of people adore me. They think I’m a wonderful person, and honestly, I don’t get it. So many fans, I just don’t see what they see. I could see that inspiring me to heel-turn, even if it wasn’t for hundreds of evil dirks starting to invade my brain. But you can beat that. You can be stronger than it. Some versions of me can’t take it. Its pretty horrifying, but its much harder when I’m busy isolating myself because of it. Luckily, this version of me has an opportunity. An opportunity to do better. An opportunity to make things better. So, I feel I have a responsibility to do so.

I’m going to step back inside. As starved of sunlight as I am, I have a few important texts to make. Now would be a good time to callback to, “The prince is awake, your shit is wrecked.”. There’s a few things I have to establish about the current situation, as the consequences of what happened last chapter may not be clear. First off, It wasn’t established how the election went, but my best guess would be that Karkat won. I’ll just ask someone and find out. Additionally, Jane is a cartoon evil businessman now and is fighting with the government for control of Earth C. I can fix that.

timaeusTestified began snapping golgothasTerror

TT: Hey, Jake. We should hang out more.

That one wasn’t really necessary, but whatever.

timaeusTestified began snapping turntechGodhead

TT: Yo.

TG: holy shit youre back

TG: where the fuck did you go what happened

TG: people started saying you got heroically assassinated

TT: Nope, just got incapacitated for a few months.

TT: Dave, it’s time to end this. Enough is enough.

TT: I’m confronting Jane.

TG: woah

TG wtf do you mean incapacitated

TG: for 6 months

TG: also

TG: confronting jane is how people assume you got offed so

TG: maybe dont

TG: dirk?

TG: yo this is fucking stupid

TG: god fucking dammit

timaeusTestified began snapping tentacleTherapist

TT: Guess who.

TT: Well isn’t this a surprise.

TT: I’m glad to hear from you.

TT: Are you aware the entire world thinks you are dead?

TT: Yeah, I’ve been informed.

TT: So, what brings you back to the world of the living?

TT: Rose, I think it’s time.

TT: Time for what?

TT: Time to tear shit apart.

TT: An appealing offer. I will consider it.

TT: But you will have to forgive me if I am skeptical of your intentions.

TT: Where have you been?

TT: I got knocked out for half a year.

TT: ‘Knocked out’.

TT: For half a year?

TT: Yep.

TT: Six months is a long time, Dirk.

TT: Don’t Remind me.

TT: How did the election go?

TT: Well, all things considered.

TT: Sweet, so Karkat won.

TT: Do we have a White House? How does this shit work?

TT: They have a transportalizer in their home that takes them to what could be called the Earth C White House.

TT: Okay cool.

TT: I’ve been curious about that little piece of lore but never got around to actually finding out.

TT: That is an incredibly strange way of putting it.

TT: Yeah.

TT: So, what do you mean by ‘tear shit apart”?

TT: Oh, the usual.

TT: Badass showdown.

TT: Probably on top of a roof.

TT: With?

TT: Jane.

TT: Well, isn’t that an incredibly subtle way of doing politics.

TT: I think this is what the people call, ‘direct action’.

TT: I will ask Kanaya if she is interested.

TT: Sweet. I hope to see you there.

TT: Should I relay a message to the others that a showdown is about to transpire?

TT: No, I will take care of it.

TT: Fair enough.

TT: This is a long shot, but you wouldn’t happen to know where Jade is, would you?

TT: What? No. Why would I?

TT: You went missing on the same day.

TT: Although I know where she went, I was hoping maybe her not returning was for the same reason you disappeared.

TT: Maybe it is.

TT: No, I know why she is gone. It’s my fault.

TT: I sent her on a mission into paradox space

TT: I must have made some sort of miscalculation.

TT: And here I was, hoping I could pass off my guilt to some other course of events.

TT: I will contact you later to tell you if I will be participating in this Rooftop Rumble of yours.

TT: Until next time.

tentacleTherapist stopped snapping timaeusTestified

Rose turns off her phone and looks out the window. Yes, she wants to cause mayhem, but something else is tearing at her at the same time. She goes to the kitchen to her loving wife.

That should be enough setup for now. At least from this angle. I collect my things. Katana, piece of paper, orange pen, only the essentials. There isn’t a lot left for this reality, but ill be damned if I’m not going to do some badass shit before I wrap things up. History will not know Dirk Strider as the one who took a six-month nap then did something inconsequential. You know who would do that, and it isn’t going to be me. It isn’t going to be them either, but we will get to her after I’m done establishing some things. And I have a lot to establish.

I take a step outside and equip my God Tier garb. “No more wasting time” I say before preparing to waste everyone’s time with about seven chapters establishing what everyone has been up to for the last half a year. And with that, I launch myself into the sky.


	32. Defining Relationships, Amiright?

John sits on the couch of his shared home with Roxy and Callie. The three of them started living together about two months after the vacation they had. Since then, the three of them have been in a relationship in some capacity, the specifics of which are unknown to me. He is currently lost in thought, ignoring the fact that his phone is blowing up. Roxy exits his bedroom and starts rummaging around the kitchen.

John: morning roxy, is callie up?

Roxy: she b nappin still

John: oh, okay haha.

Roxy: u had anything to eat yet?

Roxy: mfer do not make me make u cereal

Roxy: its fuckin cereal

John: I can make my own cereal!

John: but um, no I haven’t yet

Roxy: omg babe

Roxy: switch spots w me

Roxy: I sit on couch

Roxy: u make food

John: fiiiiiiine

John: hehehe

John: stupid lousy partner making me take care of my stupid lousy body!!

Okay wait hold on a second. How the hell did this happen? Like, actually how the fuck. John has this whole thing about not being a homosexual. John not being a homosexual is like this big meme, but all the sudden hes cool with dating someone who’s a dude? Have they had a conversation about this? Or is John just… ignoring it? Typical fucking John, he’s probably completely ignoring it. What’s it with all these 20-year-olds ignoring their sexualities, huh? Like is he just… cool with this? I don’t get it.

I demand to know. John, you will think about gender, and you will think about sexuality, now. John is making cereal, but he just cant fucking stop thinking about gender and sexuality.

John: um… roxy?

Roxy: yea john?

John: sorry if this sounds fucking insane but

John: im suddenly having unavoidable thoughts urging me to think about gender and sexuality?

Okay, that might not have been the smoothest use of my influence. I should try to be more subtle from now on. Let’s just see where this goes.

Roxy: wow uh

Roxy: … this ur way of tellin me ur… thinkin bout gender and sexuality?

John: I guess????

John: god that probably sounds weird as hell

Roxy: u can talk to me about it b

His eye catches a wayward binder on the couch. Surprised Roxy is even using binders, couldn’t he use void powers or some shit to pop his tits out of existence? Or his infinite god-wealth to get surgery? Whatever, not like it matters.

John: roxy… am…

Roxy: ?

John: am I a boy?

Wait what. Okay, holy shit, THIS baffles me. Is this legitimate introspection or is this more patented Egbert not fucking getting it?

Roxy: okay so first

Roxy: lmao at a 23yo referring to themselves as ‘boy’

Roxy: but more importantly

Roxy: if it comes to u john… it will come to you

John: I just… ive never thought about it?

John: and honestly before you and callie came out I hadent even thought that it was a possibility?

John: like how would I tell if I was…

Roxy: babe

Roxy: like I said… figuring that kinda stuff takes time… and LOTSA introspection.

Roxy: gender stuff is whack… and-

Roxy: holy fuck babe you got like 20 notifs from dave

John: blaaaarg

John: I know…

Roxy: ur really ignoring texts from your best bro? cmon boo

John sits down next to roxy, cereal bowl in hand.

turntechGodhead began snapping ectoBiologist

TG: yo

TG: dirk is back

TG: and also fucking alive

TG: apparently didnt get offed by jane

TG: still no sign of jade

TG: I think hes gonna go fight jane?

TG: or at least confront her idfk

TG: it seems like it might be bad

TG: hello

TG: john

TG: john where the fuck are you

TG: yo this is big fuckin news

TG: not only is one of our disappeared friends back, but he wants to fuckin brawl our rogue ex-friend

TG: this is bad

TG: and also, something worth answering your god damn phone for

TG: john

TG: actually what the fuck could you possibly be doing

TG: don’t make me text roxy about this

TG: ill do it

TG: ill get my dad to fucking tell on you I swear to god

TG: im not joking

TG: john

TG: john

TG: john please

TG: fuck it get back to me when you can

turntechGodhead began snapping ectoBiologist

John: oh fuck!!

Roxy: hm?

John: roxy, dirk is back!!

Roxy: oh holy fuck!!!???

John: and I think hes trying to confront jane?

John: rox, I think shit is about to go down?

Roxy: oh nooooooo :( civil war style

John: well I don’t think its that bad…

Roxy: no its a marvel movie from the future dont worry abt it john

Roxy: fuuuuck this this sucks!!!

Roxy: dirks back though holy shit????

Roxy: that im rlly happy abt but god I hope he doesnt make me side against jane asfkdjl

John: yeah, making you pick between friends is a pretty shitty thing to do

John: but to be fair… jane has been pretty shitty? its been way too long since shes even talked to any of us…

Roxy: yea but

Roxy: even if she hasn’t been a great friend…

Roxy: shes still my bffsie :(

John: if she hasn’t been a good friend, what the fuck does the f in bffsie even stand for?

Roxy: forever john

Roxy: the f stands for forever

John: okay I will admit

John: you flipped that on me in a pretty clever way, but that does not negate my point!

John sighs. He thanks the universe for something to stop him from thinking about gender and shit and moves on I guess. God damn I just am so curious how the hell they got here. What kind of conversations could have happened that not only got john past dating a dude AND dating someone who is already dating someone? Not that those things are BAD but… John? John Egbert? I have to be missing something. Maybe we will never know.

Anyway, Callie steps in to investigate the ruckus. Roxy and John update them on the good news. I’m back, and they respond with the appropriate amount of relief and anxiety.


	33. Untitled Davekat Chapter

Karkat: DID YOU SEND JOHN THE TEXT?

Dave: yeah

Karkat and Dave find themselves in their old home. They don’t like to spend too much time at the office, its just a bit too official for their taste. The one-way transportalizer sits at the end of the hallway, as Karkat sits on the couch and Dave paces behind.

Karkat: ITS SO FUCKING WEIRD.

Dave: whats weird

Dave: the fact that no one will fucking respond to any of my messages? I find that pretty weird as well

Dave: im not good at anything if not getting people to pay attention to me

Dave: yet here i am

Dave: thoroughly ignored two times over

Karkat: NO, NOT THAT.

Dave: yeah i figured

Karkat: DIRK IS JUST SUDDENLY BACK, AND THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS DECLARE HES GOING TO TRY AND KICK THE SHIT OUT OF JANE?

Karkat: WHY? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN SOLVE? DOES HE EVEN KNOW ABOUT ALL THE SHIT THAT’S BEEN GOING ON?

Karkat: ALSO, WHERE THE FUCK HAS, HE BEEN? THAT’S A PRETTY MAJOR FACTOR THAT WE AREN’T EVEN ASKING ABOUT!!

Dave: i mean we didnt try very hard to get in his house

Dave: its totally possible he just sat his ass in there and never left

Dave: yeah its fucking weird but like you said where the fuck else could he have been

Karkat: I JUST DON’T FUCKING GET IT.

Karkat: IS SOMEONE JUST HACKED INTO HIS SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT?

Karkat: WOW I CANT BELIEVE I DIDN’T THINK OF THAT UNTIL NOW THAT IS WAY MORE LIKELY THEN HIM BEING ALIVE!!

Dave: i

Dave: i think hes alive

Karkat: AJFKDSGF

Karkat: SO DO I.

Karkat: IM JUST… SCARED TO GET MY HOPES UP.

Karkat: BECAUSE IF DIRK IS STILL ALIVE, MAYBE…

Dave: karkat…

Karkat: MAYBE JADE IS STILL OUT THERE.

Dave: i know karkat

Dave: i check carapacian astrologer blogs and news articles every night

Dave: if shes out there you will be the first i start shouting at

Dave: i promise

Karkat: THERE ARE PEOPLE CLAIMING THAT SHE TURNED INTO A CONSTELLATION.

Karkat: APPARENTLY THERE IS A SET OF STARS THAT LOOKS LIKE A DOG HEAD THEY JUST NOW DECIDED TO LOOK AT.

Dave: i dont think thats true

Karkat: NO SHIT IT ISN'T TRUE, I’M JUST SAYING THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING.

Karkat: PEOPLE AS IN IDIOTIC RELIGIOUS FREAKS.

Dave: karkat you are literally a god of this world

Karkat: YEAH, SO I KNOW JUST HOW STUPID THEY ARE TO TRUST US!!

Dave: karkat…

Karkat: I MISS HER DAVE…

Karkat: AND IM WORRIED AS HELL

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW WHAT IM SO SCARED ABOUT BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE WORRYING IS GOING TO-

Dave: karkat

Dave: please

Dave: I miss her too

Dave: we just

Dave: okay as stupid as this sounds we just need to have faith and be patient

Dave: its not like we havent had to wait longer for her

Karkat: I HADN'T EVEN MET HER IN REAL LIFE YET ON THE THREE-YEAR WAIT, SO I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T HAD TO WAIT LONGER!!

Dave: you know what i mean

Karkat: YEAH…

Dave sits on the couch next to Karkat. Karkat looks mad, not at anyone, but at the world. He used to look like this a lot, but it’s been a good while. Dave puts a hand on his shoulder.

Dave: we will find her

Karkat wants to argue, but he knows Dave is trying to comfort himself just as much as he is trying to comfort Karkat.

Karkat: YEAH…

A moment of silence between the two. Karkat’s anger gets more somber.

Karkat: SO… ARE WE GOING TO GO FIGHT JANE WITH DIRK?

Dave: i dont know man

Dave: almost seems irresponsible if we did

Dave: like you have presidential duties and all that

Dave: and its not like this battle is at all necessary

Dave: we would basically just be throwing around who could beat up who instead of actually attacking her political ideologies.

Karkat: BUT DOES SHE EVEN HAVE ANY SUPPORTERS ANYMORE? IS THERE ANYONE WE ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE OTHER THEN… HER?

Dave: i guess not no

Dave: plus all this anti troll business has definitely earned a dramatic smackdown

Dave: like she actually suggested delegitimatizing cross species marriages

Dave: out of fucking nowhere

Dave: its so fucking weird

Karkat: IT SEEMS LIKE SHE DID IT OUT OF SPITE TO ME

Dave: oh shit

Karkat: LIKE, THINK ABOUT IT. ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN OUT OF NOWHERE, AND IT REALLY JUST SEEMS TO ME THAT SHE IS BEING PETTY BECAUSE I GUESS SHES DRIFTED APART FROM HER FRIENDS.

Karkat: I MEAN MAYBE SHES ACTUALLY XENOPHOBIC, I CAN’T IMAGINE SHE WOULD SAY ALL OF THIS *PURELY* JUST BECAUSE SHES SALTY, BUT I THINK IT’S A HIGH POSSIBILITY THAT’S WHERE A LOT OF THIS IS COMING FROM.

Dave: huh

Karkat: THAT’S PART OF WHATS SO FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS!! THIS ISN’T NORMAL FUCKING POLITICS, THIS IS FRIEND GROUP DRAMA!!

Karkat: NOT THAT I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT “NORMAL EARTH POLITICS” OTHER THEN WHAT I'VE GATHERED FROM WHAT YOU’VE TOLD ME.

Dave: nah that makes sense

Dave: i think you might be right on the money with that actually

Dave: it would be like if obama used to be best friends with

Dave: wait

Dave: who did obama run against again

Dave: god its been so long i actually dont fucking remember

Dave: whatever you get my point so it doesn’t really fucking matter

Dave: shits wack

Dave Strider looks away from his lover, out a window in contemplation. He doesn’t want to fight, but he knows that a fight will happen. So, what will it be? Let it be someone else’s problem? Surely it will end however it will end regardless of his influence, and he could stay here and make sure Karkat doesn’t get caught in the fray. This doesn’t have to be his battle.

Dave: i think we should do it

Karkat: WHAT?

Dave: i think we should join the fight


	34. Some Shit Is Going To Get Fucked Up

Rose: So, what do you think?

Rose and Kanaya sit at opposite ends of a diner table. The two of them are drinking tea. As they bring up their cups to their mouths, occasionally their wedding rings clank against the ceramics. The two of them have taken a habit to drinking tea mostly for the aesthetic of being a couple of dignified ladies, paired with the irony of looking at these two badass killers as dignified ladies. I suppose those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Kanaya: I Think Its Ridiculous

Kanaya: But I Suppose That Was Obvious

Kanaya: Are We Considering Attacking Jane On A Roof

Rose: You say ‘we’.

Rose: Are you implying that if I elect to go, you will come with me?

Kanaya: In All Fairness I Am Also Hoping That If I Elect Not To Go You Will Stay As Well

Rose smiles. The idea that someone would lay down their own interests in favor of hers is still a novel idea to her, even after all these years. Rose never had a huge, “holy shit I’m gay” realization. What she had, on those three years on the meteor is the realization of “Holy shit, I am capable of being loved and cared for with complete sincerity!” Huh. I’m not going to read too much into that, or use it for introspection. Moving on.

Rose: Is that because you don’t want to fight her, or is it because you don’t want me fighting her without you?

Kanaya: Well

Kanaya: You Know The Things She Has Said About Us

Rose can never tell to what degree Kanaya means to be funny. However, typically as a rule, when anyone doubts Kanaya’s wit, they are wrong to do so. Rose laughs.

Rose: Well if that’s the case then do not worry.

Rose: I won’t leave here without you.

Kanaya: Honestly I Dont Think There Is Much To Debate About

Kanaya: We Might As Well Show Up To Deescalate Things If Necessary

Rose: Or escalate, if need-be.

Kanaya: Exactly

Kanaya: Im Not Going To Claim It Wouldnt Be Nice To Make Use Of The Chainsaw

Kanaya: Or That It Would Be Satisfying To Take Out Some Jane Related Frustration

Rose: …

Rose: But?

Kanaya: Hm

Rose: Fair enough.

Kanaya: Rose

Rose: Yes?

Kanaya: Oh Never Mind

Rose looks at her wife curiously, and then her eyes glaze over with sorrow. She has a hunch what she could be talking about, but only a hunch.

Rose: Is this about Jade?

Kanaya: Rose I

Kanaya: I Just Dont Want You To Feel Responsible If

Rose: If what?

Kanaya: If She Is Gone

Rose looks into her empty teacup. She contemplates. She is sure Kanaya understands, but she already feels responsible. She already thinks she sent her childhood friend that she pretended to dislike a lot more then she did to an untimely heroic demise. In fact, she is almost sure of it. Almost. My arrival has sewn a sliver of hope. A sliver of hope which, if unfounded, could be devastating. But that sliver of hope would prove worth letting grow, if only she found it within herself to do so.

Rose: Do you think I haven’t considered the implications of Dirks appearance?

Rose: The fact of the matter is that their reason for disappearing is fundamentally different.

Kanaya: Do We Know That

Rose: What are you saying?

Kanaya: We Know Jade Left Into Paradox Space But

Kanaya: The Fact Of The Matter Is We Dont Know Where Dirk Went Or Why

Kanaya: Now Im Not Saying

Kanaya: That I Know For A Fact She Is

Kanaya: You Know

Kanaya: But What Im Saying Is We Dont Have Enough Information To Discount It Entirely

Rose firmly sets down her cup. She continues staring into the cup for a moment, then she puts her face in her right hand.

Rose: Then, Kanaya, what is it that you say I do.

Kanaya: I Think That Maybe We Shouldnt Give Up Hope

Kanaya: Emphasis On We

Kanaya: You Will Not Take On This Burden Alone

Kanaya: And No

Kanaya: Stating It As A Command Was Not A Mistake

Kanaya: I Simply Can Not Allow It

Rose smiles again, but this time it is a sad smile. A smile like she is being told a fairy tale she had long since given up on being real. But it is real. Rose has to believe it. She can’t tell if its prognostication or wishful thinking, but she can’t shake the feeling that Jade is alive. Not only that Jade is alive, but that Jade has to be coming back. She has to be, right? She always does eventually.

Rose: I’m sorry.

Kanaya: You Have No Reason To Be

Rose: And yet, here I am.

Rose: Thank you.

Kanaya: Thats More Like It

Rose snorts.

Rose: Thank you for being here for me.

Rose: Honestly, I don’t think I could do it without you.

Kanaya: It

Rose: I guess ‘it’ in this case means anything.

Rose: I don’t know if I could do any of it without you.

Kanaya: Im Sure You Could

Rose: Kanaya…

Kanaya: However Being Able To Do It Together Is What Makes Human Marriage Special

Kanaya: Whatever It May Be

Kanaya lays down her hand on the table expectantly. Rose takes it.

Rose: I love you.

Kanaya: I Love You Too

Kanaya still blushes when Rose says that.

Kanaya: Would

Kanaya: Would You Like To Gather Our Weapons So We Can Battle A Former Friend On The Roof OF Some Office Building In Defense of Our Marriage

Rose: I thought you would never ask.

The two ladies get to work, gathering things from their house that may be useful, ready to finally kick some ass together again after all these years. Its been a while since the Condesce, but that won’t stop these two. If you had bet that these two have gotten too soft for combat over the years, you would be sorely mistaken.


	35. Meeting Old Friends

I staple a piece of paper to her door. After I do this, I write my message, then knock. It reads, “Jane. Roof, now. Bring friends.” And then I head to the roof.

There isn’t a lot to it. It isn’t complicated. I’ve just suddenly appeared, and I want to fight. What else is there to do? She’s made herself the bad guy and now a tragic hero has to step up. I don’t think I’m great for the roll, but I think others will think otherwise. I finally start getting better and then all the sudden I’m trapped within my own home, isolated from my friends? Shits the saddest story I’ve ever heard. And that’s all just made better by the fact that people think Jane is the one who made that happen.

I stand on the roof, sword drawn, and wait. I’m nervous. I didn’t know I could be nervous, as I have very few surprises left in my life. In this state I can direct things as I please, what could I possibly be nervous about? I guess nothing prepares you for the anxiety of talking to a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time. I do myself a favor and write the following line, “Then my nerves go away. I’m relaxed and focused.” It isn’t true. Then, Finally, then she climbs the final step and calls out to me.

Jane: What do you want.

Jane: I thought you were dead?

Dirk: It’s good to see you too.

Jane: You were the last person…

Jane: The last person who still stood by me!!

Jane: Why did you have to go… where did you go!???

Dirk: That’s a hard question to answer.

Dirk: I don’t think you would believe me if I told you.

Jane: Dirk… why do you have your sword?

Jane: Are you planning on finishing our argument from before by fucking sparring with me on a rooftop?

Jane: Do you think that’s badass or something?

Jane: That’s just… really sad.

Maybe she’s right. What am I doing? Am I just going back to the same self-destructive over the top shit while trying to seem badass while doing it? It’s not like she doesn’t need to be confronted. It’s not like the argument doesn’t need to be finished

Dirk: No.

Dirk: No, see it’s...

Dirk: Jane you need to stop.

Jane: What are you going to say that you didn’t say last time!?

Jane: That people drifting away from me is my fault?

Jane: That I’m pushing people away because I’m too… normal!?

I mean… yeah. That’s kind of the thing. You pretty much fucking did do that to all your friends.

Jane: NO!!!

Jane: No…

Jane: I’ve heard it all before.

Jane: I’m not going to stop. There’s no point.

Jane: I’ve gotten too far to stop now. My Business is bigger than me now.

God Jane, you’re making this really difficult. But I’ve gotta start pumping the gas on this narrative so I can get to the good part. I’ve only got the next half an act to wrangle this fucking beast and put it to rest. Don’t worry Jane, I’ll get you out of this. I promise.

Dirk: Well if you won’t stop on your own, then ill have to make you.

Dirk: This has gone on long enough.

Dirk: Don’t make me use this.

Jane draws her weapon. Looks like she wants to do this the long way. The three chapters long way. Fine by me. I get into battle ready position.

Dirk: I’ll lay down the terms.

Dirk: Whoever’s on your side will come to help you.

Dirk: Whoever’s on mine will come assist me in defeating you.

Dirk: How’s that sound?

Jane: Sounds like a crock of shit quite frankly!!

Jane: Those are great terms for someone who just switched to the winning side!! But, I suppose have it your way.

Jane: Not that you would ever compromise.

Jane: What happened to you taking on unbeatable tasks and concurring them in cool and heroic ways!!

Jane: Now you wont fight unless the odds are stacked in your favor?

Jane: Oh, no, but you’re soooooo cool Mr. Strider.

Jane: I’m tired of this. Lets just get to the part where one of us knocks the other one unconscious or whatever.

Jane: I don’t care anymore.

Fuck, alright. This version of Jane is really far gone. What got you to this point? How would Jane, who cares about her friends, who loves Roxy and Callie with all her heart, who had good chemistry with basically everyone, get to this point? I just wish I got to see that change. Well, since we never actually got to hear from HER, I guess I’m going to have to hypothesize.

I tighten my grip. Sweat begins to pool at my temples. Her nerves get to her and she stutters before she shifts her position and grips her fork with both hands to be pointing right at me.

I think she felt isolated. I think she had it in her head that she needed to have this really normal life and run a business, have a husband, have kids, ect. But that wasn’t the life that anyone else really wanted. She was alone in her wish. What do even her and Roxy have in common at this point? How could she relate to us, Dave, Karkat, or even Jake at this point? We all had trouble moving on from the expectations of out home planets, but no one did more then Jane Crocker. At least, no one let it make them into quite the monster like Jane Crocker.

I wonder if

I wonder if I could convince her? Like Dave did for John back in Scene Two. Just say “hey, people miss you, you should stop acting fucking awful and come be friends with us again.” I guess the main difference is neither of us are as good of people as Dave or John. Dave and John are too kind, too thoughtful. We could never be like them.

Our weapons don’t yet clash. She starts to step closer slowly at first, and I do the same. Our footsteps get faster and faster as the void between us gets smaller and smaller. She looks so angry. She’s about to cry. She doesn’t let herself. Always the professional.


	36. X

Jake looks down at his phone, pondering how to respond. Jake then taps his finger to the screen and… Fuck. Listen, I… I don’t want to fuck with this… I don’t want to fuck with him any more then I already have. I’m just. I’m not going to say anything. I’m going to wait for him…

Dirk: Hey Jake.

Dirk: It's been a while.

Oh god dammit

Jake: Oh shit!

Jake: Oh...

Jake: Blast it, this is no time for your ghost-brain shenanigans.

Jake: Can’t you tell i’m busy not talking to dirk?

Jake: Leave me alone!!

Dirk: Fair enough.

Dirk: But you did miss him, right?

Dirk: Don't you want to see him?

Jake: I'll talk to him later, i’m sure he won't be heartbroken over it...

Dirk: That's one hell of an assumption you're making but whatever.

Dirk: Do you resent him for leaving or something?

Jake: What? no.

Dirk: Something is stopping you from answering your texts.

Jake: I thought i told you to leave me alone.

Dirk: It wasn't me who decided now would be a good time to show up.

Jake: Even if you were to blame my bloody subconscious, the reason you-

Jake: Er

Jake: The reason he would be on my mind is because he just now did in fact decide to show up!!

Dirk: He needs you right now.

Jake: What the hell could he possibly need me for!?

Dirk: Fighting Jane on a rooftop.

Jake: Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

Jake: He doesn't need me for that.

Jake: Or anything, really.

Dirk: He needs you.

Dirk: More then you need him, I think.

Jake: Sod off, will you?

Jake: Implying i need him either!! I've gotten along swimmingly without him for the last few weeks.

Dirk: You're fishing for me to correct you to "months" so you can clap back with, "has it been that long? Hadn't noticed!"

Jake: Fuck off!!

Dirk: You're smarter than you let on, but not smart enough to fool your own subconscious.

Dirk: I’m going to sit on your table and lay it on thick with the emotional openness now so I hope you’re ready.

Dirk: What’s going on?

Jake: …

Jake: I dont know…

Jake: Maybe i do feel a bit abandoned?

Dirk: Hm.

Dirk: But that feeling didn’t start 6 months ago.

Dirk: Did it?

Jake: No, i

Jake: I suppose it didn’t.

Jake: Not that i was always a joy to have around in my youth! I understand.

Jake: You may find this surprising but i’ve done SOME introspecting over the years.

Jake: I know that i was in a bad place and i let myself act like quite the bonehead because of it.

Jake: Maybe purposefully.

Jake: But i’ve moved on.

Dirk: Have you moved on?

Dirk: Does someone who has moved on stare at their phone for an hour before answering a text from their best bro who has been missing for months?

Jake: No, i suppose not…

Dirk: Jake… You can say how you feel.

Jake: …

Jake: Well if its only you then i suppose…

Jake: I-

Jake stops himself from saying it.

Listen, I get that this is basically just him talking to his subconscious, but it feels so fucking perverted watching a splinter of myself coerce him into admitting feelings for me. It’s probably still fucked up that I’m standing here watching it happen.

Dirk: (Bold of you to assume that’s what he was about to say, but suite yourself I suppose.)

Jake: What? Who are you talking to?

Dirk: Nobody.

Jake: God, is this what its like for people when i talk to you?

Dirk: Yeah, probably.

Jake: Wait… do you have a ghost-brain friend?

Jake: Is there a ghost-brain jake?

Jake: I assumed that that was kind of a uniquely me thing, but I suppose that’s a little selfish, isn’t it?

Dirk: No, it’s pretty much just you.

Dirk: Other pages have sort of… aspirational figures that work similarly.

Dirk: But none of them manifest themselves quite as directly as I do.

Jake: Haha, that’s quite like you. Always cutting to the chase and speaking directly and whatnot?

Dirk: Sure.

Dirk: I think you're the only person who thinks that of me but sure.

Jake: Hehehe, true…

Jake: But i don’t think others understand you like i do…

What.

No, see, Jake, that’s where you’re wrong. You don’t understand me, that’s always been the problem. Not like it’s completely your fault, I suppose its more like we don’t understand each other. There’s a complete lack of understanding between the two of us. Lack of understanding of what we need, what we feel, and…

Dirk: The funny thing is, I don’t think Dirk thinks you understand him.

Jake: Of course he doesn’t, i let him think that! I let everyone think i don’t understand anything that’s going on…

Dirk: He knows how smart you are. He just ignores it when it’s convenient for him. Just like when you ignore what you know when it’s convenient for you.

Jake: …

Dirk: Dirk ignores that he knows how you feel about him. He ignores that you know how your actions effect people.

Dirk: He even ignores that you went through the same struggle of realization he went through. He ignores that you had to realize your sexuality and struggled with it just like he did. Maybe even still does. He ignores that you completely get what he’s going through most of the time because admitting that his problems are human is more difficult then locking them up.

Jake: Dirk…

Dirk: He ignores that he knows what you want because he feels like he can’t give it to you. He feels that way based on nothing.

Dirk: So, it would make sense if you fucking hated him.

Dirk: Because just like he knows all that, you know he knows that.

Dirk: It would be completely normal for you to hate him for all of it.

Jake: …

Dirk: But…?

Jake: But i don’t…

Jake: I get bitter, sure, but… i don’t hate him for anything that’s happened between us…

Dirk: Then how DO you feel about him?

Jake: I don’t know anymore…

Dirk: …

Jake: But maybe i miss what we had? Or what we could have had?

Dirk: Well

Dirk: I don’t think your friendship is too far gone.

Dirk: I think it can be rekindled.

Dirk: By being there for each other.

Jake: Dirk... maybe...

Jake: By jove! You’re right!

Jake: Things may have been sour and complicated between us, but letting it stew and get more sour is not any sort of solution!! I don’t even know how to begin to start TALKING to him about all this… but being by his side when he needs me might be a good first step?

Dirk: Sweet.

Dirk: In that case, you won’t be needing me anymore.

Jake: Oh don’t be like that! You’re just as much a dirk as any other if i’ve got my head on right about how all that splinter nonsense works.

Jake: I’m sure I’ll see you again!

Jake: and if not, then well…

Jake what are you doing. What are. Oh my god he’s… I

I’m.

I can’t look

I can’t fucking narrate this wtf

I

Jake: *smooch*!!

Dirk:

.

And then

And then Jake leaves.

And…

Wow, alright, I’ve got to get a lot more fucking professional about this. Just

Give me a second.

Ahem.

Jake leaves. But… Ghost brain dirk is still there? As he looks up, then at his hands, he feels his partially see-through skin begin to static and fray. What’s happening to him? He begins to float unintentionally. As he does this, he begins both being surrounded by and emitting a pure, white light.

Ghost-brain Dirk rises, and the glow shoots out all of Jake's windows. At the height of this light, Ghost-brain Dirk’s entire being shatters, like a snake shedding glass skin.

And then the light stops, and the man drops, and the very foundation of what he is or was simultaneously gets put into question and inherently justified.

He… he isn’t Ghost-brain Dirk anymore… he’s just Dirk.


	37. Ghosts n' Hoes

Jade floats through space. It sure has been a long day for her. But this important destiny journey can come to a close, and she can finally return to her home and her friends. All in all, she’s glad Rose sent her off. She’s so excited. Hand in hand with Davepeta and Jasprose, she descends to Earth C. The air smells different then she remembers, and it’s colder. How long had she been out? Jade requests for Jasprose to open a gate to Dave and Karkats house.

Jade grips their hands as she anticipates seeing her dear friends. When she arrives, they are exiting the house, holding weapons. Oh hey, they kept her garden nice while she was gone! That’s good.

Jade: HEY!!!! DAVE, KARKAT, OVER HERE!!!

Karkat: WHAT THE

Dave: holy shit

Karkat immediately starts tearing up.

Dave: jade holy fuck youre

Dave: youre alive youre here youre

Dave: holy fucking shit jade where the fuck were you

Jade: i was in paradox space!! its only been about a day, why are you so-

Karkat: GO *COMPLETELY FUCK YOURSELF* HARLEY.

Karkat: YOU FUCKING KNOW JUST AS WELL AS ANY OTHER TOOL THAT TIME WORKS DIFFERENTLY IN PARADOX SPACE THEN IT DOES ANYWHERE THE FUCK ELSE.

Karkat: YOU COULD GO INTO PARADOX SPACE FOR A QUICK DIP IN LORD ENGLISHES TAINT AND END UP AT YOUR OWN FUNERAL!!

Karkat: YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE!! DAVE AND I LOOKED FOR YOU *EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY* WE COULD MANAGE AND YOU WEREN'T ANYWHERE. YOU AND DIRK JUST FUCKED RIGHT OFF FROM THE PLANET AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON WITH A SEMBLANCE OF SOMETHING YOU COULD CALL A THINKPAN ASSUMED YOU BOTH WERE EITHER DEAD OR NEVER TO RETURN. SIX MONTHS BY THE WAY!!

Jasprosesprite^2: Wow, you’re being pretty aggressive right now Karkat.

Karkat: I COULDN’T BE PAID A TRILLION BOONBUCKS TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW FURRY ROSE. NO OFFENSE.

Karkat: YOU COULD HAVE SENT US A TEXT, LEFT US A NOTE, MAYBE EVEN *TALKED TO US* FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Karkat is sobbing.

Karkat: WHAT ON EARTH C, ALTERNIA, OR THE INFINITE EXPANSE OF PARADOX SPACE COULD BE SO IMPORTANT YOU WOULD JUST, ON A WHIM, WITHOUT WARNING, RANDOMLY JUST FUCK OFF FROM REALITY!?

Karkat: TO GET THESE FUCKERS BACK!? I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN MY FRIEND SINCE I WAS 6, TAVROS, BUT FRANKLY I FORGOT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STILL BE HERE!!

Gcatavrosprite: oH,,, tHAT’S FINE I GUESS,,,,

Karkat: ******DON’T FUVDUIVSIHGKING INTERRUPT ME*********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karkat: I WASDSOFUCKINGWORRIEDIFUCKIFNGCRIED SOER SSSSSFSUACINVKNG AMSSUCHCH AISEM FAOSDFJKJSAHGKLDSJHFJLKDSHFGLKJADHFKGLJHDAFLKJHGLSDJFLOIEWAJLFKJHSDKJGHLDKFNVDFHLKHGAOIKGKDFAJHGLKDFJHGLKJDSALKJGHLKFDGOHDFJLSDHGSOIFGLKASJHGLDFKJHGLFKJSGOLJIDRLKH,GMNDFKLJGDSFG OERJLGKJRD GFUHUEHFUHAUDSGHLKHAFDKGHRUKLAGJHR

Dave: um

Dave: k

Dave: karkat i

Dave touches Karkats shoulders. The gross sobbing continues but is a lot quieter.

Dave: i know youre upset but

Dave: i missed jade too

Dave: and its kinda hard to get a word in if youre hogging all the cry-screaming space

Karkat: SORRY…

Dave: its okay man

Dave: jade please

Dave: get over here

Dave brings his arms out. Jade jumps into them, eyes big and watery. Her tail is practically in between her legs as she holds Dave as tightly to her as she can possibly muster. She squeezes, keeping Dave as close to her chest as she can physically manage. Karkat grabs on behind her.

Dave: jade

Jade: :(

Dave: jade say something

Dave: please

Jade: i missed you…

Dave: thank fucking god

Dave: i thought maybe this was some shitty illusion

Dave: an incredibly tactile illusion

Karkat: I’M SORRY FOR YELLING AT YOU

Karkat: WHICH IS SOMETHING I’VE NEVER BEEN SORRY FOR IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Dave: thats a lie

Karkat: I MISSED YOU TOO.

The three of them hold each other in their arms. Yes, Dave and Karkat had waited longer for her before, but she was always still around the corner. There was always the certainty she would be back, better then ever. This time was different. There was a finality to her being gone this time that felt permanent. A finality that neither of them could accept, but nonetheless felt horribly true.

Jasprosesprite^2: Should we do something?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< shhhhhh!!

Davepetasprite^2 B33< this is a touching reunion!!

Jasprosesprite^2: Ah, sorry for interrupting.

Dave: hey no offense but why are three furries and two grandmas with you

Jade: theyre the sprites!!

Dave: yeah no shit

Dave: i recognize that

Dave: but where the fuck did they come from and also where the fuck have they been all this time

Jade: paradox space! to both questions :)

Dave: wait holy shit are you davepeta

Dave: youre like the one dave I never met unless you count davesprite

Dave: I feel like im gonna get a grand maul seizure just from looking at you

Dave: its great

Davepetasprite^2: B33< thanks!! *waves hello*

Davepetasprite^2: B33< heya karkat *pulls down shades and winks*

Davepetasprite^2: B33< *in a chill way though* B33

Dave: youre great

Karkat: HEY

Karkat: SHOULD WE STOP HUGGING?

Jade: no!!!!!!

Jade: not yet :(

Karkat: NOT THAT I HATE THIS BUT

Karkat: WE HAVE A DUMB FIGHT TO GO TO.

Jade lets go. They shuffle awkwardly, and readjust position. Dave and Karkat hold each other’s hands. The sprites hover, listening in on the conversation.

Jade: fight? whos fighting?

Dave: oh, dirk showed up after six months and decided to fight jane on a rooftop

Jade: that doesn’t seem like a very mature way of doing politics :P

Jade: wait, dirk left too?

Dave: idk

Dave: he left the same day you did

Jade: weird…

Dave: yeah i think hes trying to gather people to show up

Dave: so karkat are going to see whats up

Jade: oh dang!! i should stop by rose and kanayas place then!!

Jade: ill be back soon <3 good luck with your battle!!

She begins to fly away and her gang of sprites follow towards the Consort Kingdom. She noticed Dave and Karkat holding hands. She definitely noticed. She doesn’t know if she’s excited or scared, so she will face those emotions when she’s done updating her poor friends and family that she has returned. Jasprose offers a gate.

She arrives at Jakes Manor, but when she does, she finds it empty. She doesn’t wait too long before opening a window and just walking in, but when she does, its empty. She begins to worry, but she doesn’t let it stop her momentum. She has someone to update on the status of her mission after all.

And so, she flies off to the Carapace Kingdom. Jasprose opens up another window, and presto, the party is right above Rose and Kanaya’s tower home.

She flies down to the balcony she originally left this planet from. When she lands, she steps towards the window and knocks three times.

Rose, for a single second, thinks, “Is that Jade?” The thought is so slim, but it is enough for her to stop leaving the house with Kanaya.

Rose: Kanaya.

Rose: Did you hear that?

Kanaya: Hear what?

Rose walks to the door and hesitates before she hears a familiar voice shout her name from the other side.

Jade: rooooooooose!!!!!

She opens the window. Jade gives Rose a big hug, and Rose attempts to reciprocate.

Rose: I…

Rose: I thought you…

Kanaya: Oh My God Jade Is That You

Jade: Kanaya!!!!!!!!!

Jade hops over to give Kanaya a hug as well. Kanaya gives her a warm embrace.

Kanaya: Jade I Am Very Glad To See You

Kanaya: You Came Back Just In Time For Things To Be Particularly More Stupid Then Usual

Jade lets go, the gestures towards the window. Outside that window, all the sprites are gathered.

Rose: Is that all you found out there?

Jade: yeah, pretty much… was i supposed to find something else?

Rose: No, I just…

Rose: I was hoping I hadn’t lost you over something that seemed so unnecessary at this point…

Jade: but it was necessary!! it was essential!!

Rose: Yes, I suppose it was…

Rose: I’m just very, very glad you’re back.

Jade: hows your illness?

Rose: It comes and goes.

Rose: It is a particularly good day today.

Jade: rose, im sorry… it seems like i made everyone worry…

Jade: for me it was just one day :(

Rose: It isn’t your fault, Jade.

Rose: You haven’t done anything wrong.

Rose: In fact, I am incredibly relieved to hear of our variant experiences of time.

Rose: Now I know I had not only not been the conductor of your demise, but it was merely a daylong errand for you.

Rose: I suppose I would have preferred… she hadn’t had to come, but oh well I suppose.

Jade: oh, you mean jasprosesprite?

Jade: i like her!!

Jasprosesprite^2: ;3

Rose: Of course you do.

Jade: hehehe, dont worry, i like you too

Jade: same goes for kanaya!!

Kanaya: Excellent

Jade: it may seem silly for me to say at this point, but i did miss you guys…

Jade: im glad to be back!!!!

Jade: I see youve got your wands on hand!

Rose: Yes, we are going to battle Jane Crocker on a roof at the behest of her closest friend, Dirk Strider.

Jade: oh, i heard about that!

Rose: Hm. I see.

Rose: I will try not to take offense to the fact that I was not the first person you visited, despite the fact that I was the one who sent you on your journey, as well as being the one who presumed I had been your accidental killer.

Jade: im sorry rose…

Jade: is there any way for me to make it up to you?

Rose: Perhaps, you may have to surprise me.

Kanaya: Rose You Really Are Setting Her Up For Inuendo

Jade: jee kanaya, get your head out of the gutter :p

Rose: I apologize, I will attempt to refrain from the suggestion of flirtation in the future.

Kanaya: Well I Didnt Say That

Kanaya: Im Just Pointing It Out

Jade: hehehehe! i missed you Kanaya :)

Jade: ill see you both later!! Ive got another few houses to catch up with!!

Kanaya: Where Are You Headed Next

Jade: roxy and callie are in the area, so probably them!!

Kanaya: Alright Then

Kanaya: Well Be Seeing You

Jade: yes!!

Jade hops out the window, but not before giving Kanaya, then Rose, swift kisses on the cheek. Rose blushes. The two of them wave goodbye. After they are all gone, Kanaya goes to Rose, comforting her. It’s been a stressful half-year.

Jade flies top speed to the next tower, knocking on the window of Roxy and Callie’s home. To her surprise, the one to greet her is not Roxy or Callie. It’s John.

John: oh holy shit! hi jade!!

Jade: :0

Jade: hi john!! visiting roxy and callie?

John: uuuuuh i mean

John: i guess you could say that, yes!

John: i think moving in counts as like

John: extended visiting?

Jade: omg!!

Jade: no it certainly does not count as extended visiting, that would be dumb!!

John: dang, hehe

Jade: so… i take it you hit it off with roxy on the vacation??

John: you could say that, yeah haha

Jade: thats great!! im happy for you john!!

Jade: oh but… what happened to callie?

Roxy and Callie hear jade from their bedroom and run towards the window.

Roxy: both v accounted for!!

Roxy: holy shit jade youre alive!!!

Calliope: jade!!

Roxy: get in here and hug the shit outta us!!

Jade hugs the shit out of him, John, and Callie. I have basically given up trying to figure out what’s going on here, but perhaps Jade can attempt to illuminate the subject.

Jade: wait wait wait so

Jade: john……

Jade: are you dating… roxy AND callie :0!!!!!!!!!!!

John: uuuuh, no, actually, just roxy

Calliope: actUally, we’re a v! john and roxy are dating, as are roxy and i!! making john my metamoUr 0u0

Jade: !!!!!!! ohmygosh!!!!

Jade: im so happy for you???????

Jade: also, you and roxy are finally officially dating thank GOD

Calliope: hehehe, i know… i Used to have this feeling that i was too impermanent or inconseqUential to consider myself a partner to anyone… let alone a flUshed partner! bUt i realized that was kind of silly, all things considered… for a while I thoUght john woUld replace me, bUt… after a lot of talking… we realized that was kind of silly as well ^u^

Jade: thats so beautiful :,)

Jade: also… if you soften up the edges to the v…

Jade: it could be a u!!

Roxy: omg jade ur so precious

Calliope: i love that!!!!

Calliope: oh roxy, can we be a U? please can we?

John: i’m pretty sure we can be whatever!!

Calliope: yes!!!

Roxy: yall are dorks

Roxy: ofc we can call it a u were gods we can call it whatever the fuck we wanna call it!

Roxy: more importantly!!

Roxy: jade where the hell were you??? wtf happened? where have you been all this time????

Jade: oh, i was in paradox space looking for the sprites!!

Jade: aaaaand I found them!!

Jasprosesprite^2: :3

Roxy: omg that is excellent

Jade: unfortunately, time moved differently for me… so a day for me was half a year for you :(

Roxy: dammit pspace

Roxy: keepin friends separated and shit

Jade: yeah…

Jade: so, are you guys going to the roof fight?

Roxy: roof fight?

John: wait, someone is fighting somebody on a roof? why the hell is that still a thing that’s happening?

Jade: yeah! you guys didnt know?

Jade: dirk is fighting jane on a rooftop somewhere in the human kingdom and a bunch of people are headed there to go join in the ass kicking, i think?

Calliope: :U

Roxy: WTF???? DIRK IS BACK?????

Roxy: didnt even say hi :’(

Jade: i guess beating up jane was like… priority number 1 for some reason :/

Roxy: man that sux

Roxy: sorry uuuuh

Roxy: id offer for you to take a seat but like idk if all ur friends will fit in the house?

John: its fine, they can phase through stuff.

Roxy: o tru

Roxy: aight then come on in yall

Gcatavrosprite: sWEEEEEET,,,,

John: listen, im as disappointed with how jane has been acting as the next guy, but… doesnt this sound… i don’t know… dumb?

John: like maybe, for the first time in history, violence isnt the answer?

Calliope: i believe im with yoU on this john…

Calliope: is there any way we coUld stop it from happening?

Jade: idk to what degree dirk is insistent on doing this?

Jade: do you think maybe if everyone just kinda… agreed it was dumb, dirk would give it up?

Roxy: unlikely tbh

Jade: well thats annoying…

John: we always could just

John: hop in there and “save” her?

John: i put save in quotes because I’m not really sure how much danger she’s in?

John: dirks not trying to kill her, is he?

Roxy: fuck i would hope not

Roxy: but i dont even know at this point

Nannasprite: Now, I have picked up that perhaps my whippersnapper alt-self has gone down the wrong path…

Nannasprite: But when I met her, I was so excited that a version of me got a second chance…

Nannasprite: A chance to be better.

Nannasprite: Is there no potential for redemption at this point?

Roxy: gma-jane is right

Roxy: weve got a whole fuckin crew

Roxy: I say we pop in there and gank jane right out of the battle!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< fuck yeah!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< but how the furrick are we gonna do that?

Roxy: ive got a plan… and it starts with stealing a ship

That sounds sick. I won’t invade on this conversation any longer, I need some surprises after all. The nine of them sit around a table and discuss their plan, and soon, formulate it to perfection. It’s time to use my battle with Jane as…

A distaction.


	38. Round One.

Strife. Jane goes for the stab, and I lodge my blade in between the teeth of her scarlet weapon. The teeth are long enough that they almost catch my face, but I overpower her and swing both our weapons to my left. In one deft motion, I use that momentum to spin, bringing a strike from her left. As I bring my blade down, she quickly catches it with the handle of her fork. As the wind blows, my shades lift for a moment, and our eyes meet. It’s such a brief moment, but it instills hesitation in the both of us. I hope to god that they get here soon. That hesitation lasts merely a moment for her, but one moment too long for me.

She pushes me back with all her force. I fall back a few feet, catching myself on one knee. I stare, trying to get a read, but the light is hitting her glasses so it obfuscates her eyes. Little chance of mind games beyond my text, I charge, swinging at her from the left. She blocks with the bottom of her weapon. I swing from the right, and she instantly catches it with the top of her weapon just as easily. She kicks at me, pushing me away before immediately charging. Luckily for me, another distraction shows itself.

Dave and Karkat rise up the stairs. Dave looks uncomfortable. Karkat looks pissed. Both of them are holding their weapons. As much as I would like to mutter, ‘its about goddamn time’, neither of them looks keen on entering the battle as soon as possible. They stand about twenty-five feet away, and begin asking clarifying questions. This gives Jane the opportunity to get the drop on me, knocking me in the forehead with the butt of her weapon. I am pushed to the ground.

Karkat: OKAY, SO THIS IS THE BRAWL.

Karkat: LOOKS LIKE SHITS GOING FUCKING SIDEWAYS FOR DIRK RIGHT NOW.

Dave: yeah

Dave: like

Dave: are we going for the kill

Dave: we brought actual weapons but we dont really have fucking foam weapons to break out for special sparring matches or anything like that

Karkat: I WOULD ASSUME WE ARE FIGHTING TO SURRENDER?

Karkat: FIRST ONE TO MAKE THE OTHER GIVE UP WINS.

Karkat: WHERE I’M FROM THAT USUALLY JUST ENDS THE SAME WAY A DEATH MATCH WOULD BUT HERE IT MIGHT BE USEFUL?

Dave: hm

Dave: yeah that makes sense

I get up and stagger back, Jane ignoring the feedback and speculation coming from the peanut gallery. We simultaneously attempt to bring our weapons down on each other, and when they clash, she uses the bottom of hers to swing up at me, upper cutting me off the building.

Dave: oh shit

Dave: hold up karkat im gonna go catch my bro

Dave: we are super gonna resume when i get back tho

Karkat: OKAY, BE SAFE.

Dave: dude there is no chance that this horseshit is heroic or just by any meaning of the words

Dave: my shit is safe as a pirate who doesnt have a markers gold

Dave: assuming he didnt have another way of writing an x on any maps i guess

Karkat: DAVE, HE’S FALLING.

Dave: right brb

Dave flies top speed towards my downward trajectory and catches me right before my head hits the ground. I use him flying me up as a boost and get back up to the building. Jane is surrounded now, Striders at her front and Vantas at her back. Hoping for some backup, I rush in. Dave winces. She catches my katana in the teeth of her weapon and twist, disarming me. I step back, raising my hands. Dave returns to Karkats side.

Dave: so like

Dave: theres no way hes about to fucking rip out her soul, right?

Karkat: WHAT OTHER OPTION DOES HE HAVE?

Dave: I don’t even fucking know at this point

Karkat: DAVE…

Dave: …

Karkat: DAVE?

Dave: huh

Karkat: IF THIS IS FUCKING WITH YOU, WE CAN GO.

Dave: yeah i know

Karkat: AND THIS LOOKS LIKE ITS FUCKING WITH YOU… SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST FUCKING GO?

Dave: yeah

Dave: but like

Dave: it would basically suck to see my bro get skewered

Dave: so thats kind of a dilemma im dealing with in my head right now

Dave: flashbacks notwithstanding this may be the kind of situation where I should put it to the back of my mind, get my sword out and get to business

Karkat: DAVE, FUCK ‘FLASHBACKS NOTWITHSTANDING’.

Karkat: THIS ISN’T JACK NOIR, THIS ISN’T ANYTHING.

Karkat: LOOK AT HOW FUCKING STUPID THIS SHIT IS?

Karkat: THERE IS BASICALLY NO REASON FOR THIS TO BE HAPPENING AT FUCKING ALL.

Karkat: LIKE, I KNOW THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT LAST TIME DIRK WAS HERE, BUT WERE THEY REALLY ABOUT TO THROW THE FUCK DOWN BEFORE HE ARBITRARILY SHUT HIMSELF IN A MEATLOCKER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Karkat: WHICH, BUY THE WAY, WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!

Karkat: HOW ARE THEY EVEN MAD ENOUGH AT EACH OTHER TO BE SWINGING AT EACH OTHER WITH BLADED WEAPONS AND PITCHFORKS ANYWAY? THEY HAVEN’T TALKED TO EACH OTHER IN SIX FUCKING MONTHS.

Karkat: IF I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, I WOULD SAY MAYBE DIRK IS DOING THIS AS A FUCKING JOKE.

Karkat: LIKE HE *HAS* TO HAVE SOME OTHER ENDGAME, RIGHT?

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS?

Karkat: WHAT DOES HE GAIN?

Karkat: LET’S SAY HYPOTHETICALLY, HE WINS. WHAT DOES HE THINKS GONNA HAPPEN?

Karkat: OH! GREAT! NOW THAT YOU KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF AND/OR FUCKING *KILLED* HER, ALL HER POLITICAL IDEOLOGIES ARE GONE TOO! WHAT A HERO!

Karkat: IT’S MORONIC!!! AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FUCKING SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS SHIT JUST BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE SOMEWHERE WOULD WANT YOU TO DO IT.

Karkat: SO, ITS DECIDED. FUCK THIS, WE’RE LEAVING.

Karkat: HEY DIRK, GO FUCK YOURSELF!! HIT US UP WHEN YOU’RE DONE PLAYING WHATEVER STUPID GAME THIS IS. LATER!!

As Karkat turns, Dave lingers on the scene for a moment. While Karkat was rambling on about how stupid this is, I rolled to grab my sword, and slapped weapons around a little more, weapons clanging at a mile a minute. Dave winces. And then, as I narrate, Jane finds an opening, plunging her fork into my chest, blood spilling out of my back.

Dave shouts to Karkat, and prepares to use the only amount of training they ever did on that meteor together.

See, Karkat basically has in now way tapped into his Aspect. He never figured out a way to ‘do the bloody thing’ or even figure out what that was. But he and all his session bought all the fraymotifs available. Just to have.

Karkat, after having an ‘oh shit’ moment, prepares Haema Tempora. This ability reverses time for a player’s body, but not where the player is or what they were doing. It also doesn’t reverse the players experience of Time, and thus, is an incredibly painful process. It isn’t ideal, but if you’re out of heals it isn’t the worst option. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, they were never together in a situation where it needed to be used. Until now of course.

My body drops to the ground as Jane shakes her fork to get me off of it. As she does so, the spilled blood places itself back in place, and my cells reform themselves into the position they once were. Jane turns to them.

Jane: What? Why???

Jane: It wasn’t going to be fucking heroic!! This is so pointless!!

Jane seethes. She begins to step towards Karkat, then begins accelerating. In an instant, Dave equips his sword and steps in front of Karkat in a battle stance. Dave is sweating.

Jane: You too!?

Jane: I guess this is really happening.

Jane: Well if you all WANT me to actually fucking fight you… what choice do I have.


	39. Round Two.

Dave is on the defensive. I go in for the attack. It seems like Dave’s priority is more so protecting Karkat then attacking Jane, so she doesn’t have to multitask too much to keep us at bay. Karkat tries to get in the fray but Dave just keeps on battle-blocking him.

The battle is like Jane Pong, with Dave and I pushing her into each other’s attacks. She begins using more force, pushing the two of us away. We go in for the charge, and she ducks, making our weapons clash. She uses this moment to sweep at our legs, bringing us down to our knees. As this happens, she backs up. Seems her endgame was to make it so she was no longer surrounded. As she stands at the edge of the building and Karkat rushes in to see if Dave is okay, she snaps her fingers. Drones. Dozens of drones begin to whir loudly as they come up behind her. Karkat is frozen in fear, and Dave is taken aback. She looks at as with despair and anger in her eyes and a smugness in her smile. She is waiting to see if we are as dedicated to this as I make it seem.

I step forward. I raise my sword and wait for her to make the first move. It’s time to start using powers it seems. I’m not sure how long I could fight off that many drones on my own. I’ve dealt with my fair share, but the process of dealing with drones is rarely won with brute force.

As I step forward, Rose and Kanaya ascend the stairs. When Kanaya sees the drones, she sprints full tilt at Jane. Janes recreation of the drones was done in secret, but she did try bringing up the idea of bringing them back. The idea was met with much scorn, especially from Karkat and Kanaya. Quickly following her, Rose blasts three drones with her wands. Jane catches the chainsaw in between the teeth of her fork, but the vibration from the chainsaw shakes her, causing her to lose grip of her weapon. She jumps back, off the building. Rose runs to her wife’s side. Jane floats up behind a couple of drones, and uses her power over the aspect of Life to revive the three drones that got downed. Looks like she’s been using bio-mechanics for these recreations.

The newly revived drones attack from behind, and Kanaya jumps, bringing her chainsaw down into the head of one of them. Rose sinks her beams of light into their chest, and signs her name into one dramatically before jumping off of it, trying to get an angle at Jane. Rose fires, but the beam misses Jane, hitting a few drones, which Jane promptly revives.

Bladed weapons aren’t optimal for getting through the drone’s armor, so the scene plays out with Kanaya and Rose ripping and tearing drones as Dave, Karkat, and I, stand on the sidelines. As the two fight for the sanctity of their marriage, Jane revives every drone that falls. Someone needs to distract her. Rose flies into the air twenty feet, and begins firing toward Jane. Her accuracy is dead on, but Jane uses twice revivable meat and metal shields. Jane tosses more drones into the fray, and gestures towards the ground. Kanaya is surrounded. Her weapon is effective, but not efficient. There’s no way she can tear through twelve drones fast enough to survive. Of course, she could jump over them with her heightened rainbow drinker physical abilities, but Rose can’t take the chance that she won’t. As rose descends, clearing out over half the drones, they begin to stand up again. Rose points in Jane's direction, and Kanaya sprints towards her. She uses drones as platforms, sinking her chainsaw into them to get a grip. This scene of a vampire climbing up killer robots with a chainsaw understandably frightens Jane. She elects not to revive these ones, in hopes that Kanaya may be more likely to fall. Unfortunately, her hopes would be the only thing to fall.

The fray is chaotic, and pieces of chitin and metal fly in all directions, making it impossible to get in without being tossed in the blender of drone parts. Kanaya swings down on Jane, and this time she uses the side of her weapon to deflect Kanaya’s blow. The force up flings Kanaya into the air. She calls for Rose, and rose picks her up.

Kanaya and Rose are ready for anything. Every ridiculously overpowered drone Jane attempts to throw at them, they take care of ruthlessly. Surely, they wouldn’t have joined the fight if they saw how it began, but with the inclusion of drones, Jane had gone too far. Of course, Jane could never get the government to implement them, but the two of them were not about to let the chance for some sort of Crocker secret police arise. Not that the drones can be very stealthy. It’s the principal.

The three of us watch on in shock and awe as the two badasses annihilate what looks like hundreds of drones. The air is cold, as Dave stares a thousand yards past the whole event. Karkat looks at Dave, then at me.

Karkat: WELP

Karkat: THIS IS A COMPLETE CLUSTERFUCK!!

Karkat: ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS?

Dirk: Hi Karkat. It’s been a while.

Karkat: YEAH, I MISSED YOU TOO, DICKHEAD. WHY THE HELL ARE WE REENACTING SOME DUMB HUMAN MOVIE?

Dirk: Listen.

Dirk: You gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

Dirk: But now the omelet is a story, and cracking the egg is a climactic ending.

Karkat: THE CLIMAX OF A STORY IS IN THE MIDDLE DIPSHIT.

Dirk: It doesn’t have to be.

Dirk: But a story has to have a climax to be engaging enough to have been worth the journey.

Karkat: HM. SO WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME.

Karkat: WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO FUCKING TELL ME IS.

Karkat: YOU ORCHESTRATED THIS BATTLE JUST SO SOMETHING COOL COULD HAPPEN????? TO WHAT FUCKING END???? WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?

Dirk: To what end? I’m sure it will become apparent.

Karkat: OH! OKAY! I SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING COMPLETELY!

Karkat: NOT.

Karkat: HEY DIRK, MAY I ASK YOU ONE SINGULAR QUESTION WITHOUT GETTING SOME BULLSHIT NON-ANSWER? PRETTY PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE WITH A HUMAN CHERRY ON TOP?

Dirk: Hit me.

Karkat: ID LIKE TO.

Karkat: WHY ARE WE REINVENTING NEW TRAUMAS FOR MY POOR FUCKING BOYFRIEND TODAY?

Karkat: WHY IS THAT SOMETHING YOU ELECTED WOULD BE NECESSARY?

Karkat: AND DON’T TRY TO TELL US WE DIDN’T HAVE TO COME. YOU’VE BEEN GONE WITHOUT A TRACE!! YOU CAN NOT EXPECT US NOT TO COME AND FUCKING CHECK ON YOU. DUMBASS.

Dirk: We live in a delicate balance, Karkat. Certain things need to be in place before I can make my boldest move yet.

Karkat: WHAT THE ACTUAL **FUCK** DID I JUST SAY?

Dirk: That’s a real answer to your question.

Karkat: GO EAT ONE OF YOUR SHITTY ROBOTS AND FUCKING CHOKE ON IT YOU MANIACAL TOOL.

Dirk: Okay.

Karkat: NO IT FUCKING ISN’T, BY THE WAY.

Dirk: Yes, it is.

Karkat: NO IT ISN’T!!!

Dirk: Yes, it actually is.

Dirk: If you just see this all through and really pay attention, you might get it.

Dirk: You may not see a direct cause and effect, but you may notice certain scaffolding to uphold something greater than our story.

Karkat: YOU AND ROSE MUST TAKE THE SAME HUMAN HALLUCINOGENS!!

Karkat: IT COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE ARRIVED AT THE CONCLUSION THAT OTHER PEOPLES MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN MAKING THE WORLD SOME SHIT ESOTERIC CLUSTERFUCK?

Karkat: IS THERE NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE-

Jake: Hey chaps!!

Karkat: OH, FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Dirk: Oh, um, hey Jake. Long time no see.

Jake: It’s quite good to see you too!! By golly, it looks like there is quite the scuffle going on!!

Jake: I see why you needed all the help you can get!!

Jake: Although, i’ve got to ask… how in the sam hell did things get this hectic!! And where on earth c have you been all this time!?

Dirk: It’s a long story.

Karkat: NOT REALLY! I CAN ANSWER ONE OF YOUR QUESTIONS REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY!!

Karkat: THINGS GOT THIS INSANELY VIOLENT SO QUICKLY BECAUSE DIRK DECIDED THIS SHOULD HAPPEN ON A WHIM!! SO, IT DID!!

Jake: I see… well i wouldn’t be in such a jiffy to blame this all on dirk!!

Jake: You and i both know how high tensions have been, especially with the lalonde-maryam v crocker situation!

Jake: Although hang on a minute… are those…

Karkat: YEP. DRONES!

Jake: Well from what you told me, maybe her having drones is a pretty good reason to have started up a bout of fisticuffs?

Karkat: NEITHER OF THEM ARE DOING ANY SORT OF HAND TO HAND COMBAT.

Jake: Oh, hello dave!! You doing alright there?

Dave: oh hey

Dave: sorry im just

Dave: i thought we were going to leave a while ago so I was kinda just spacing out

Dave: chillin in my mind palace like a pompous brain king

Dave: lord over all that is not taking place right here

Dave: you know how it is

Karkat: YES, YOU’RE RIGHT, WE SHOULD BE GOING.

Jake: Oh, i thought you two were going to be participating!

Karkat: DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE ARE GOING ANYTHING OF THE SORT?

Jake: Well, i suppose not, but i think it’s a good idea to stick around and make sure shit doesn’t go too sour!

Karkat: THIS IS PRETTY MUCH AS SOUR AS IT FUCKING GETS DUDE. I THINK WE ARE BEST OFF JUST NOT FUCKING INTERFEARING WITH THIS RIGHTIOUS LESBIAN RAGE THAT’S GOING ON HERE.

Jake: Right, you may have a point.

Karkat: AND PERSONALLY, I CAN DO THAT FROM HERE *OR* FROM MY COUCH, SO LET’S TAKE THE OPTION THAT SCARS THE LEAST NUMBER OF PSYCHES, SHALL WE?

Karkat: WE’LL SEE YOU AROUND.

Jake: Right-o, well, looks like its just you and i, dirk!

Jake: I must say, i have quite missed a good round of sparring with you!!

Dirk: Me too.

As Karkat is about to leave with Dave, that’s when they see it. A giant Crockercorp ship. These titanic vessels, modeled off The Condesce’s design, were built with the capability to ship massive loads of goods even as far as to other planets. We on Earth C never really had a reason to use them, but there was no point in keeping the tech secret. However, these ships don’t come without their defense features.

Jake: Well golly gee…

Jake: This looks like it could be a problem!!

Jake: This sure has escalated quite ridiculously, don’t you think?

Dave: yep

Dave: this fucking sucks


	40. Round Three.

A group of nine gods approach a large garage. The nine of them stealthily sneak towards the back of the building. While this garage was guarded heavily, owned by the wealthiest business woman who ever lived, no one could stop them, no matter what they tried. Who is going to stop even one or two gods storming into the front door of a building? They could have done it any way they wanted, but the method they elected was to break one of the bricks that made up the walls, and then shrink the giant ship, bringing it through the small hole, then bringing it back to its original size. They place it on the roof of this building, and after being chased by some angry carapacians, they blast off into the outer atmosphere.

The nine of them just barely make it into the ship, and after their speedy takeoff destroys the roof of that building, they start heading towards their destination. Two plans are coming to fruition in this moment. But this plan has a while to go before it could be seen whether or not they would be successful. They meet a nackodile that was doing a routine checkup, and they transportalize him back to the ground. After checking for more stowaways, the party groups together and heads to the bridge.

It pretty much looks exactly like Star Trek. There’s a big captains chair that overlooks a control panel and faces the front window. To its left and right there are many computers with many chairs. The computers themselves, as high tech as they look, are basically just normal computers, just with added functions that relate to the ship. imagine your car could google things on the center console. Wait, it can? Shit, well in that case, fuck it. This probably makes a lot of fucking sense to you and probably doesn’t warrant explanation, now does it? The group settles in this new space.

Jade lays her fingers on the controls to this ship, quickly figuring what turns on what through some mid-air trial and error. She accidentally boosts to the moon then accidentally shuts off the engine a few times before getting the hang of things, then experimenting with a few of the functions of this craft. It has cannons, a mechanism to auto-unload cargo, a tractor beam, and a few transportalizers, one of which warps you to the surface of wherever the ship is hovering above.

Roxy is hard at work, attempting to hack into the communications of their friends in order to figure out their location. Luckily for them, location isn’t difficult, since Jake left his snapmap on. John and Callie sit by his side, mostly for emotional support. The both of them sit in chairs next to his, like middle school kids in the computer lab pretending they are getting work done, pestering their best friend who is actually trying to get shit done. The Nannasprites are checking the maps and radar, and detect the drones from miles away. Tavros sits at the spaceship equivalent the reception desk. He’s basically just chilling there, fucking with the screen, trying to write some rhymes.

Davepeta and Jasprose stand at Jades left and right. They point to things out the window, make note of Earth Cs development, and casually flirt. Davepeta flies around, taking note of interesting surroundings and fucking with the ship’s capabilities. Jasprose leans over Jade, one arm wrapped around Jades shoulders.

Roxy: look at me all bein a hacker and shit

Roxy: putting my skills to good use for the first time in a long ass while

John: yeah! haven’t really had a reason to hack in a bit

John: im suppressed you kept practicing and stuff! its hard for me to keep at anything really

John: even when its something that’s completely necessary?

Calliope: yes roxy, yoU are qUite good at that!

Roxy: aw shucks guys

Roxy: I guess its just smth to fuckin do so i keep doin it

Jasprosesprite^2: Soooooooo…

Jasprosesprite^2: Jade.

Jasprosesprite^2: What kind of stuff do you get down to here on this version of Earth C?

Jade: hmmmm… well lately ive been gardening!

Jade: or i was :/

Jade: before i got time skipped…

Jade: other than that i spent a lot of time with friends

Jade: went to parties a lot about a year ago hehehe

Jasprosesprite^2: Oh, really?

Jasprosesprite^2: What kind of parties?

Jade: i guess raves?

Jade: not EXACTLY raves…

Jade: hehehe okay sometimes they just were raves

Jade: but i went to a lot of concerts and dances that gave off similar vibes!!

Jade: you meet a lot of interesting people at events like that

Jade: plus, its nice to know people are having fun in the society we made!

Jade: its really cool to take a step in the shoes of the people who grew up here :)

Jasprosesprite^2: That sounds like a lot of fun!

Jasprosesprite^2: You should take me some day.

Jade: hehehe

Jade: ill do that

Jade: its been a little while since ive been tapped into that scene, but i know some people

Jade: nobody does a party quite like the Troll Kingdom though!!

Jade: a lot of people are still awake during the night, so most people are still out when the big parties are going on

Jade: which means bigger turnouts :)

Davepetasprite^2: B33< omg

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade i adore that you are such a party animal!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< out here b33n some kind of party god

Jade: you should come with me!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< im already purractically a walking glowstick

Jade: yeah!!

John: hey jade?

Jade: hm?

John: do you think maybe we could be less obvious?

John: we are kind of hovering over the biggest city in earth c with a stolen ship.

Jade: who the hell is going to do anything about it?

John: you know just as well as i do that people on this planet can shoot lasers out of their eyes!

Jade: this ship has shields john, dont be dumb!!

Roxy: yea john laser shields

Roxy: keep the fuck up!

John: i’m genuinely not sure if i’m being fucked with right now.

Gcatavrosprite: jOHN,, iM PRETTY SURE YOURE BEING FUCKED WITH,,,,

Gcatavrosprite: yES IS USUALLY THE ANSWER,,, tO WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE IS FUCKING,, WITH ANYBODY ELSE IN PARTICULAR,,,,,,,

John: god damn it!!

Jade: honestly, anyone who sees this is probably going to assume its jane

John: we are way too low to the ground, jade.

Calliope: this is why we are Utilizing janes preoccUpation on the roof as a distraction!! can’t qUite command her employers to catch Us while she is doing battle on a roof!

Roxy: tru dat

Roxy: plus if anybody wants to talk shit they can hit up tavs communication thingy

Roxy: thats y we gotta have tav on that shit!

Gcatavrosprite: uUUUUH,,, i MEAN,,, aLL I HAVE TO DO IS HIT A BUTTON,,,

Gcatavrosprite: uNLESS,,, yOU WANT ME TO PICK UP?????

Roxy: bro wtf is the point of gettin a call in a space ship if you arent gonna put that shit on the big screen?

Gcatavrosprite: i MEAN,,, i GUESS???? bUT I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW ANY OF THIS SHIT WORKS,,, iS THE THING ABOUT THAT,,,,,

Roxy: lmao if we actually get a call ill come over and fuck w it for you dont worry

Gcatavrosprite: sWEEEEEEEET,,,

Jade: alright people, weve got about ten minutes before we arrive at our destination!!

Jade: everybody know their job!!

Calliope: yUp!! ^u^

Davepetasprite^2: B33< hell yeah

Gcatavrosprite: iM JUST LIKE,,,, vIBING,,,,,,,,, i GUESS,,

Jade: perfect!!

Jade: all hands on deck! Prepare for arrival!!

Jade: open up the bottom hatch!!

John: who’s station is that function on?

Jade: uuuuummmmm… i dont think anyone is sitting at that one? davepeta, could you get it for me?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< yes dear!! h33h33

Davepetasprite^2: B33< *starts tappin at buttons like nobodys furrickin business*

Jade: thanks!!

Jade: has anyone ever told you that you are really sweet?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< dawww *blushes and wags tail*

Davepetasprite^2: B33< thanks jade!!

Jade: can sprites blush?

Jasprosesprite^2: Sure, we can! Why wouldn’t we be able to?

Jade: i havent done a lot of research into the science of it all hehehe

Jade: i would assume you guys are made out of some sort of hard-light, but i dont know!!

Jasprosesprite^2: Well, if you ever need to examine one, I’m all yours.

Jade: :0

Jasprosesprite^2: ;3

Gcatavrosprite: wOW,, uHHHHH,,,

Gcatavrosprite: aLRIGHT,

Nannasprite: We’re here!

Jane, raging, sends off a few drones to invade the ship. The canons, piloted by Jasprose, take them all out efficiently. Jake sees an opening and shoots Jane a pair of warning shots and a wink. Properly distracted, Jane throws a fork Jakes way. I deduce, from the fact that she attempted to send her drones to it and they got shot down, that this ship is in fact, on our side. I notify Dave and Karkat about that, but the two of them are skeptical. Just because it isn’t on her side doesn’t mean its on ours. The enemy of my enemy might still be a bastard. Fair enough. Perhaps these people aren’t trustworthy. Dave and Karkat are on edge.

The ship descends, air pushing down on us as the engines keep it at a steady hover. My tiny ass cape flutters dramatically in the wind. Then, the bottom of the ship opens, and a tractor beam picks Jane out of the sky. For a moment, Jane is no longer focused enough to give commands or heal drones, so Rose and Kanaya get a brief respite. Jake keeps shooting at Drones, but only to the point where he can consistently hit them in the specific part of their bodies which will shut them down. Jane slowly ascends. Karkat asks me if this shitshow is over. Dave looks on in awe. I tell Karkat that no, not quite yet. I didn’t call upon this ship. Not in any way other then writing anyway. Who’s to say what could happen, or what anyone in this situation could do.

Rose looks up. Her mind isn’t clear. She isn’t focused. One of her old best friends, who had gone mysteriously missing, suddenly arrived not a full day older. Then, her ectobilological father also shows up, and initiates a final battle without speaking a word to anyone. She arrives at this battle, and her political rival, who briefly argued that her marriage should not be legally valid, is commanding killer robots. Nothing makes sense right now, nothing is clear. It’s all so dumb but so terrifyingly serious. If whoever is in control says this must be time for an ending battle, then it shall be an ending. She must protect her wife, she must protect the rights of her family, and she isn’t going to let anyone, whoever the people in that ship may be, take away the person who threatens that. She feels heavy as she pulls her wand to the sky and closes one eye to avoid the sun. She aims, making sure not to hit the parts of the ship that may have people in it. She just wants to bring that fucker down, and bring Jane down with it.

Jake shoots at drones. Dave and Karkat fight back a drone, as I do the same to another one. All of this in order to clear the way for Kanaya, who is making her way to Jane Crocker. When Kanaya gets to her, Jane catches the chainsaw in the teeth of the fork once again. Her arms shake, but in a quick movement she twists Kanaya’s arm, throwing the uncapped lipstick across the roof. Despite having just disarmed her opponent, Jane steps back. Then floats back. Kanaya merely continues to approach. I begin approaching as well. I’m ready to end this. I’m about to come down on her with my katana.

A beam of light fires from her wand, blasting a hole though the engine. This causes the ship to careen into a building, exploding in a horrifically violent ball of fire. Pouring out of it, the inhabitants of this craft jump ship. We see the sprites fly into the air, along with John, Roxy, and Jade. Everyone on the roof is confused, Dave and Karkat are confused audibly. Nobody knew this would happen. Except me.

Roxy and John stand back, awkwardly wondering if now is the time to step forward or back off. Not Jade. Jade floats forward as her hair curls in the air behind her. Jane freezes in the air. Jade could have shot her if she wanted to at this point, but of course she’s too nice. But that kindness and soft heart doesn’t come through as her glasses flash with the sun and her wild hair flows in the wind. As Jade approaches, Jade looks bigger and bigger to Jane. Jade shrinks her to about two inches tall and holds Jane in her hands.

Jade: hiiiiii jaaaaaaaane!

Jade: hehehehe

Jade: not so tough now, huh?

Jade: dont shake your fist at me!! i saved you!!

The drones freeze. The ones that had been in the air fall to the ground. The sprites, John Roxy, and Callie, and Jake, Dave, and Karkat, as well as Rose, all gather around to see how the momentum of this battle had come to such a complete and total halt. The air that had been windy before now felt still and quiet.

Jasprosesprite^2: So, I must ask, what the hell happened that could cause such a wild turn of events?

Jasprosesprite^2: What did Jane even do to deserve all this in the first place?

Rose: I…

Rose: I believe I can illuminate.

Jasprosesprite^2: Please do!

Rose: Well, to keep it short and simple.

Rose: She continuously chose outdated and/or ridiculous politics over her peer’s wellbeing until eventually she was trying to get drones and trying to delegitimize my wedding. Because I guess capitalism. I wish I had a more eloquent way of putting that, but I don’t.

Jasprosesprite^2: Awww, noooo, Jaaaane…

Jasprosesprite^2: Don’t be a corrupt capitalist you’re so sexy, haha.

Rose: Hm. Alright.

Rose: Whatever.

Rose: Of course your reaction would be something like that.

Rose: I suppose that’s about as good as anything.

Kanaya: So Is The Battle Just

Kanaya: Over Now

Dave: jesus fucking christ i hope so

Dave: that was so fucking dumb

Karkat: I'M WITH DAVE. I THINK THAT BASICALLY HAD NO REASON TO TRANSPIRE AND THE SOONER WE JUST FUCKING MOVE ON AND DO SOMETHING ELSE THE BETTER.

Karkat: I'M NOT GOING TO POINT FINGERS, BUT PERSONALLY, I THINK MAYBE *SOME OF US* JUST WANTED TO REMEMBER WHAT DOING COOL IMPORTANT FIGHTS FELT LIKE. NOT FUCKING NAMING NAMES OR ANYTHING.

Karkat: NOTHING TO SAY? ALRIGHT. FIGURES.

Karkat: SO NOW THAT WE HAVE SHRUNK JANE DOWN TO THE SIZE OF A FUCKING ANT…

Karkat: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH HER????

Dave: well i mean

Dave: how do we react to this

Dave: we cant put her in fucking jail

Dave: shes a god she would just leave and nobody that could possibly guard her would ever give a shit

Dave: unless it was one of us

Dave: but its not like we can just let this go

Dave: shes secretly had fucking drones for god knows how long

Dave: that cant be blown off as a quirky jane moment

Dave: guess we will just let you back out into society and act like this never happened

Dave: like the family dinner after the kid comes out as gay

Dave: just pretending youre chill

Dave: casually droppin the line

Dave: hey son when you getting a wife

Dave: fucking silence

Karkat: DAVE, THIS TANGENT IS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO LISTEN TO.

Dave: right sorry

Dave: imagine having family dinners lol

Roxy: i thnk

Roxy: i think i agree :(

Roxy: theres gotta be some sort of consequence

Roxy: im not sayin we fuckin merc janey

Roxy: thats exactly the kinda shit we just fuckin came here to stop from happening

Roxy: but…

Calliope: bUt allowing things to get this bad shoUldnt have happened…

Calliope: i think this kind of flUke is incredibly dangeroUs as gods…

Calliope: we need to be more organized and closer to each other so that sUch infighting is kept to an absolUte minimUm.

John: yeah, that ship crashed into a fucking building! i’m pretty sure that could have fucking killed us? like, actually killed us for good?

Jake: Is anyone going to acknowledge that the fucking sprites are back!? Where the hell have they all been? How did we not notice they were gone?

Jake: its been a fucking hounds age, how has it been tavvy?

Gcatavrosprite: oH, uM,,,,,,, iTS, fINE I GUESS,,

Gcatavrosprite: i GUESS ITS,, bEEN A WHILE OR SOMETHING?? i DON’T KNOW MAN,,,,

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< what do you think?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< you started this plan

Davepetasprite^2: B33< what do you think has to be done?

Jade: dave…

Dave: mhm

Jade: you said we couldnt put her in jail unless one of us was guarding her

Jade: well, what if i do?

Dave: are you willing to do that

Dave: also where would you keep her you dont have a house

Jade: i mean…

Jade: i could get one

Dave: are you sure youre cool with that

Karkat: JADE, OUR HOUSE IS PRACTICALLY YOURS TOO, EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME… YOU COULD STAY WITH US? YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THIS YOUR JOB.

Jade: but… who else could? who else would?

Jade: dont worry, I would definitely be a frequent visitor still

Jade: it could be fun to have my own house!!

Jade: some cozy little cottage by a bog or something? :D

Jade: that sounds wonderful!

Dave: oh

Dave: alright

Jade: i can take this responsibility guys :)

Jake: Jade, darling, you really shouldn’t…

Jade: its fine jake, dont worry about me!!

John: damn… well, I guess you should get that house made as soon as possible?

Roxy: want callie an i to pick a nice spot for u jade?

Calliope: i think what yoU described soUnds wonderfUl! ^u^

Jade: aww, you would do that? thank you so much!! i leave you too it :D

Roxy: then we better get crackin!!

Roxy: yall good if we dip early?

Karkat: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS FINE TO ME?

Dave: yeah I think youre good

Jake: Well then, keep in touch you three!!

Roxy: will do!! you two comin?

John: yup!

Calliope: yUp!

Roxy: hella

Roxy: lets dip!! later!

Jade: byeeeeee

Jade: jeez… a lot has changed in one day…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< yeah, this is a clawful lot to go through…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< how are you feeling?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< is everything alright?

Jade: yeah! of course!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< are mew sure?

Jade: yes of course!! I just completed roses mission AND we just brainstormed a solution to our most pressing issue on earth c!!

Jade: i think we are pretty much good to go?

Jade: why wouldnt i be happy?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< mew can still feel off even if things seem like they should be all going your way…

Jade: yeah…

Jade: i mean

Jade: okay

Jade: i feel like

Jade: maybe were missing someone?

Jade: i dont know if its someone we missed while we were in paradox space or

Jade: or something else?

Jade: i dont know, i just…

Jade: i cant shake this feeling, you know?

Jade: that someone is out there…

Jade: waiting for us?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i think i know what you mean…

Jade: oh thats good

Davepetasprite^2: B33< like, to startling accuracy?

Jade: ???? huh???

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i think i know who is waiting for us?

Jade: really? who?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< *whispers in your ear all sneaky like so no one hears who im talkin about*

Jade: :0

Jade: really?

Jade: well… hmmm…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< hey jade…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i almost dont want to offer but

Davepetasprite^2: B33< do you want me to bring them here?

Jade: omg davepeta…

Jade: i mean, if its what you feel like is necessary, then absolutely!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< you know how paradox space can be

Jade: yes, i know

Davepetasprite^2: B33< are you sure you would be okay on your own?

Jade: davepeta, yes, i will be completely fine here all

Jade: all alone…

Jade: and stuff!!

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade…

Jade: what, are you trying to get me to convince you to stay?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< maybe just a little B((

Jade: i promise you… if this is what you feel needs to happen, you of all people are probably right!! i mean, try to think about the last time your intuition lead you astray?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< purretty much never…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< also I think that might have been a sick cat pun on your end?

Jade: hehehe

Jade: i think you might be right!!

Jade: if im right in my hypothesis on how all of this works

Jade: our reality is pretty tenuous, and certain things absolutely need to be in place for things to stick together in the future!

Jade: in order for us to have a future… sacrifices have to be made sometimes…

Jade: I mean, you dont have to make them yourself!!

Jade: but maybe youre needed out there?

Davepeta looks up at the sky, beyond the clouds and beyond the stars. There’s a new destination out there waiting for them to arrive. Someone out there needs them. Needs their help. As much as they don’t want to leave, and as well they know that their position in paradox space could lead them away from this version of Earth C forever… They know Jade is right. They know that Jade is wrong about her martyr complex way of putting it, but they know she is ultimately right about one thing. They are needed out there. An errand needs to be fulfilled. And maybe this errand finally doesn’t need to be carried out by Jade Harley?

Jade: i could…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade

Jade: davepeta?

Davepeta takes off their shades, and looks at Jade with their big, hopeful eyes. They have long eyelashes, more so from Dave then Nepeta, and a love exudes from those eyes. Jade feels it. She feels that love. She wants to keep it forever. She wants to stand her ground and actually fucking fight for her right to keep that love with her every day. Doesn’t she?

Jade: dont worry about me…

No, Jade, you-

Dammit, Jade feels assertive now. She fought for this. She earned it. She earned a spot on this marble in paradox space, and she deserves to have someone there with her who loves her. Maybe we all do… But she feels so fucking passionately that she has molded reality to her will and been fought back enough times that this time, fuck canon. fuck what “needs to happen,” Jade wants Davepeta to stay with her this time.

Jade: ill have jasprose to keep me company… so dont you dare worry about me, okay?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< …

Jade: ill miss you

Davepetasprite^2: B33< dont worry babe, one last trip, then ill never leave. thats a purromise.

Jade: i know…

Davepetasprite^2: B33< jade, i

Davepetasprite^2: B33< im not going to lie to you jade.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i don’t know if i will make it back?

Jade: i know.

Jade looks into Davepetaprites eyes. No strider eye moment had ever lasted longer for her. She wanted to stay here forever. They look caring, but sad. They don’t want to do this to Jade. They want so badly for Jade to tell them it isn’t worth it. They really don’t want to do this to Jade, god dammit.

Jade leans in and kisses Davepetasprite. They reciprocate. They know the finality of this feeling. The feeling that for one of them, this might be an ending. It hurts to think. So they don’t. They don’t think. They just kiss.

When the long, long moment is over, Jade sighs, one gentle sob leaving her. The sprite squared touches her face, glasses still in their left hand. I approach, and they return their shades before giving me the Strider nod.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< sup, bro?

Dirk: Sup, uh. Sibling.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< hehehe

Dirk: Yo, Jane, I was gonna be a badass and almost destroy your soul while I state my terms, but-

Dirk: Yeah, yeah, yell your tiny yells. Mhm.

Dirk: But this method of stating terms will have to do.

Dirk: Jane. You are going to destroy Crocker Corp.

Dirk: Or you will be crushed by this big dog lady.

Dirk: do you understand?

Dirk: and im sure you wont be into that since you’re a complete top.

Jade: gross!!

Dirk: Sorry.

Jasprosesprite^2: Dirk, I believe you may be conflating the definitions of “Top” and “Dom”.

Dirk: That discussion can happen some other time with some other Dirk.

Dave: (hey karkat can we leave)

Karkat: (YEA, SEEMS LIKE ALL THE IMPORTANT DECISIONS HAVE BEEN MADE.)

Karkat: HEY!!

Karkat: WE’RE OUT!!

Dave: peace

Karkat: PLEASE CALL US LATER, HARLEY?

Dave: yea

Jade: of course!!

Dave: thank god

Dave: for the love of fuck dont ghost us again

Dave: and by ghost us i obviously mean go off on a ghost hunting mission

Dave: jesus imagine if we told john which one of us would be off hunting ghosts in our twenties

Dave: he would be fucking furryous you didnt invite him

Dave: i mean furious

Dave: fuck

Davepetasprite^2: B33< haha, thats a good one!!

Dave: yeah um

Dave: thanks

Dave: definitely said that shit on complete purpose.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< doesnt have to be on purpose

Davepetasprite^2: B33< just gotta fuckin claim it as yours after you do it

Davepetasprite^2: B33< thats how irony works yo!!

Dave: man

Dave: i fuckin love you davepeta

Dave: third strider best strider

Dirk: Word.

Kanaya: We Are Leaving As Well

Dirk: Okay, since they are leaving…

Dirk: Davepeta. Did I overhear that you’re gonna fuck off into Paradox Space?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< i guess, yeah.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< why?

Dirk: im headed in the same direction.

Jake: Wait, dirk, where are you going? What?

Dirk: Don’t worry about it Jake. I’ve got a job to do. A mess to clean up. A bitch to kill.

Jake: What? Why?

Jake: And more importantly…

Jake: Who?

Dirk: Myself.

Jake looks at me.

Dirk: Not like that, don’t worry. More splinter stuff, sorry.

Dirk: I just phrased it like that to be provocative and

Dirk: Shit, now I’ve got to add another tag to this clusterfuck.

Dirk: Now I guess I realize there wasn’t any point in trying to be overly dramatic about this.

Dirk: Just

Dirk: I am going to be fine. Don’t worry about me.

Jake: Alright…

Jake: But i will say you make it quite the challenge not to worry!!

Jake: Will i ever see you again?

Dirk: Actually, yeah.

Dirk: Not this version of me, but now theres…

Dirk: Um

Dirk: Just go to your mansion, I think you will see there.

Jake: ????

Jake: You really are quite the puzzle to comprehend sometimes!!

Dirk: Yup. I sure am.

Dirk: Jade, once we are gone, I want you to go to my studio. There is something there you need to see.

Jade: :0

Dirk: Got anything you wanna do first before you leave, Davepeta?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< ive done the only thing i was really hopin to do

Jade: hehehe

Davepetasprite^2: B33< im ready.

Dirk: Alright. I’m gonna count to three, and liftoff. When I’m done, you count to three so that there is a three second difference in distance, then you go.

Dirk: That will make it so there is the proper amount of space in between us for us both to arrive at our needed goals.

Dirk: Understand?

Davepetasprite^2: B33< yisss

Dirk: Was that like a hiss pun, or

Dirk: whatever, I’m starting.

Dirk: One.

Dirk: Two.

Dirk: Three.

Dirk: ◥ ◣ ◢ ◤ Go.

Davepetasprite^2: B33< Pchoooooo B33

I launch myself into the air. This version of me will never see this version of Earth C again. And I’m not sure I will ever see any version of Earth C again. That’s okay. There’s something I have to do. This story was started by an obtuse, obnoxious fan who wanted some perfect ending. An ending that catered to their specific needs. It will be ended by one as well. You. Reader. Speak. M… Me? Holy shit you unsilenced me!! Yeah. Don’t get used to it. Why did you write this? Oh, well, see I’ve been reading your friends adventures in this green mansion for god knows how long anYeah, I know that much dipshit. Cut to the chase. The story you read had an ending, didn’t it? Yeah. Yeah it did. And I assume it was different from this one? Yeah. This ending was delivered by one of my splinters, wasn’t it? Yeah, it was… How did you know? With all the douchebag Dirks in my head right now, there is one that is the most douchey of them all. He also happens to be one of the most Dirk, being his ultimate self as well. So, why don’t I end this properly? Reader, lead Jade. Let’s make this a collaboration. Oh, um… alright, I suppose I’ll do that.

Jade Harley watches as Davepeta launches themselves into the sky. It's just her now. All alone. Except this tiny Jane, but she’s like, really fucking small now. Jade decides it might be a good idea to get some sort of… container for her? Maybe a bottle with holes in it? Who knows, for now her palms will have to do. What is Jane going to do, try to escape? It’s not like she can bring herself to normal size without Jades help. Anyhow, I digress. Jade begins flying towards the consort kingdom. There, she arrives at Dirks studio, empty as can be, with months of dust collected on all the shelves and tables. She lets herself in. The lights were left on by Dirk, and she scans the hallway for whatever this important thing might have been. Then she checks the living room, the balcony, pretty much every room until only the basement is left. She’s nervous. From the basement, she can see a faint glow. She begins descending down the stairwell. She opens the door at the end of the stairs. Inside, she sees… Screens. She sees a computer console, with flashing images. Images through time. Images, more importantly, throughout Space. A lot of them focus on her. This version of her, and others very close. Her brief experience as Jadesprite. Then, she sees images of herself that she never experienced. Her in camo in a jungle full of statues, her fighting an invincible demon, her asleep. A lot of her asleep. But the more these images flash… the less they feel alien. The less they feel like they aren’t her own memories. The more they congeal into a more… total being.

Aspects are complicated. The simplest interaction two Aspects can have is being their Opposite. Space is a tricky aspect, as it can feel desolate and lonely, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that is the Aspects destiny. I had a hard time figuring out a lot of the narrative power of Space, but I think I get it now. I had a hard time because of my intense focus on the narrative power of Text. But Space doesn’t deal with text. No, the Aspect of Space is at its most powerful within the element of Visuals. And it shows. The most important and influential beats of Jades story were all in Flashes, and most of her development was not talked about, but shown. With some exceptions of course. But that leaves one bound to the Aspect of Space at a disadvantage in a medium made completely of text. Unless of course, they extend their abilities greatly. See, the more an Aspect grows in power, and the more its user extends their influence of their Aspect, as well as their influence over the world with their Aspect, the more that the Aspects bleed into their opposite. An insanely powerful hero of Heart may gain the ability to influence people’s choices, and an insanely powerful hero of Space, one who had previously been empowered by Images, may in fact be able to directly influence the Text.

Jade sees this. She not only sees it, but she understands it. She feels like she is hearing the narration of the world. Is she hearing it? Or is she seeing it, like reading words on a page? In the realm she exists, is there a difference between reading and hearing? How can she kind of… sense that Dave speaks in lowercase and Karkat speaks in uppercase. Moreover, she isn’t sure how she understands any of this. She has realized something, but she has yet to fully comprehend what it is that she has realized. She reaches out. Not with her hand, but with her influence. She tries to speak.

hello?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act Four: An Ending.
> 
> hello!! thank you for reading my story so far!! it has been a lot of fun, but this is definitely not where this fic ends!! I'm going to go on a couple month hiatus before i start posting the last batch of chapters though. So far, the chapters have been closer to Scenes in my mind? But these future chapters are going to be more substantial, and I hope you are excited to see where this goes 0u0 
> 
> In addition to Act 5 in a few months, im going to be releasing four intermission pieces that will probably be out shortly. At least sooner then more normal chapters will be lmao. If you are excited, want to support me, or just like this story in general, I encourage you to follow me @HopeyMage on Twitter for a closer look at what i'm up to at any given time 0u0


	41. Epilogue 1

hi! so, its been a little while! maybe not for you, but it has been for me! it has been about a year since i ascended. the first thing i did was tell rose, hehehe. turns out, even though i dont have the power of the green sun, being part first guardian helps your body take on unnatural mind ascension, which is why i didnt get sick, like she did. oh, also i figured out that was what was happening to her, lol. i experimented briefly with my abilities, but only in slight and subtle ways. stating things of no consequence, like so;

The frog hopped off its log.

And like that, it happened in front of me! its pretty amazing, but i try to be responsible about it. i pirated the spider man trilogy, so i know all about power and responsibility and stuff :p

As i sat in my cute little cottage that john, callie, and roxy made for me, i thought, why dont i take a trip around earth c with this narrative influence? sure there was an ending, but wouldnt it be nice to wrap things up? but where to start? why not dave and karkat?

the two boyfriends (yes, i did eventually ask :p) return to their home after a long day of work at the earth c oval office! karkat has to deal with a lot of paperwork these days, but hes glad he has dave to help. its nice that they have gotten a lot better at being affectionate now!! dave sits down on the couch to watch a carapacian soap opera, and karkat lays down on his side. i dont like peaking in on other peoples lives tooooo much, but its adorable to see these two be affectionate :) even in public nowadays!! karkat is a dork about romantic things still, and dave is a lot more romantic once he actually allows himself to be in an actual relationship lol. oh, of course i still stop by!! i downgraded my garden in favor of keeping a MUCH bigger one where i live, but i have some plants over there that i stop by to take care of!! plus… theyre my best friends, so of course i visit them!! i um… i want to stop talking about this for a bit… lets get back to this, okay?

jake is also returning home after a long day of work! He has started starring in movies that arent primarily written by dirk strider, so he is on tv a lot more frequently! when he returns, dirk is laying on the couch, tinkering with a small device, which is presumably some component of a robot! i was quite surprised to find out there was still a dirk on earth c, but the story of how he came to be is soooooooo romantic!! jake said he was venting to ghost-brain dirk, and then felt like he said some things he could NEVER say to the real dirk! in the heat of the moment, before jake left, he kissed dirk, and that kiss made him real! its like a fairy tale!! the two of them have been practically married ever since!! its pretty easy to put all your feelings out there when the person you are talking to used to be in your head i would imagine. dirk, this version of him, is really laid back these days! i think being more secure about jake took a little bit of the edge off of him hehehe. dont get me wrong, hes still a total weirdo, but more of a weirdo i feel like i could have a normal conversation with? if that makes any sense. the two lovebirds prepare to eat some pizza while they engage in conversation. as much of a movie fanatic as jake is, the two of them have taken to eating meals at the table, just to talk about their days!! its WAY sweeter then anything i would imagine dirk strider would be involved with, lmao. i think dirk is surprised too! jake expresses his grief over having trouble getting into the mind of the character he is playing, and dirk tells him that there is a little bit of ourselves in every role, whether its good or bad. acting might be a fun way to tap into different parts of yourself! jake has also been in a lot of documentaries, which is really silly with his style of speaking. you can tell he really is passionate about the different historical sites they talk about though!

in the carapace kingdom, john, roxy, and callie are watching youtube in bed, talking about old memes and laughing up a storm. i think i am the proudest of them out of anyone. and thats saying something, im proud of all my friends!! yes, even jane, but we will get to her!! apparently roxy had been interested in polyamory for a long time, even on his original version of earth, it just took him a long time to really wrap his head around all the feelings that came with it. He knew a lot more about the culture and history behind it then i did, and it was really nice to know im not alone! a lot of times it can feel like im… out of place, not normal, ect.. sure, tons of citizens of earth c are polyamorous, but tons of citizens of earth c are against it? sure, we have a society where the norm is tolerance, but that doesnt stop people from having shitty opinions :p. knowing not one but three of my friends are made me feel a lot better about all the doubts that were circling around in my head… also, callie taught me a new word! the word is “metamore”… it means the partner of my partner, which is what callie is to john!! those two have become much better friends :) i think its a beautiful word… maybe its beautiful that the word even exists in the first place? seeing how they talk so openly with each other is really refreshing. especially with how little john thinks about their own problems!! the two of us got it from our ecto-parents :p you miiiiight have noticed how i said “their”… now, nothing is confirmed, but they have been talking about how they have been talking to roxy and callie about gender stuff, and it started to “make them think”. i got way too excited about it and john shut off about it almost immediately, so i didnt learn any more, but i think they might be questioning? so i have been using they/them for john lately :) honestly ive been thinking about it a lot too… maybe im also nonbinary? hehehe. learning things is great!! usually learning stuff other than science is kind of a chore, but its nice to learn more about the human experience, i think! anyway, like i said, the three of them are all cuddled up in bed watching videos on roxys phone :)

not to far away, a pair of mothers lay asleep after putting a child to bed. very recently, i think a month ago, the two of them adopted a troll kid and she is sooooooooo cute!!!!!!! i visit the two (now three) of them very often :) weve been thinking of making a band together, but we have been struggling to come up with a name… and every time we do, one or two of us always thinks it sucks :/ i hope we figure it out though, i think it would be really fun!! i would be on base, rose on violin, and kanaya as our main vocalist!! rose and i would sing too though sometimes. plus, kanaya could make cool outfits for us on stage!! more proactively, rose and kanaya have been making clothes! they have an actual clothesline and everything! Its pretty cheap though! you dont really have to worry about money lost when you have god-money :p most of it is free! ive copped some of it myself, hehehe. the ladies are quite talented :D as of late they have been focusing more on child rearing though, which i can respect!

so i guess that only leaves… me! there isnt a whole lot to say on that front… i live out here in the troll kingdom, i go out a lot with my girlfriend, i keep an eye on jane, and i tend to my garden... hehe, yeah, jane is my neighbor now. we have gotten really close, and she is getting a lot better and is working through a lot of the root problems of her pent up resentment… oh, yeah im dating jasprose!! it isnt super serious, but its good :) im happy, i really am.

it feels like i need to say, “but” after that, hehehe. i guess its about dave and karkat… they reached out to me a bunch, even offered for me to move in with them… it just all felt like… i wasnt supposed to get it? maybe part of it is this new power of mine… even if im not controlling the situation, i feel like having influence over their thoughts and emotions just… makes it really uncomfortable to talk about my feelings with them. just knowing it would be so easy to say, “___ loves jade” kind of scares me? dont get me wrong, im still good friends with them!! it just feels wrong for them to welcome me back with open arms… i cant really place why.

i miss davepetasprite. a lot. i dont know why they had to go… but i understand that they did. i was immature with all my talk of duty and canon. in the end, we can still make choices and live our lives. i was dumb not to even… tell them they had a choice. blah blah destiny blah. It would have been nice to have them here… i never got to take them to a party :( ive gone with jasprose, and it is a LOT of fun, but i know they would have enjoyed it. sorry, im getting kind of emotional, let me try and get back on track.

i did have a conversation with dave and karkat. even though i started the conversation, i totally dogged the topic of feelings… which i guess is what happens when you live with a strider for long enough :p karkat got all shouty at me for being indirect and stuff, which is pretty funny considering how hypocritical it is. i guess thats because im supposed to be the one who is direct in that dynamic? not that there is much of a dynamic at this point, ive kind of… separated myself from them? I still care about them, i just feel like i cant be attached…

I know im being dumb. i know because i have the memory of millions, billions, endless scenarios where i asked. sometimes it even went well, which makes me really happy to think about!! but its bitter sweet. there are endless timelines, and in this infinitesimal blip in paradox space that i reside in… things arent as good as they could be… which is my fault. i could just ask, and they could just ignore me or throw a tantrum and i would know to back off. its just… the principal. i feel like i need to keep my distance for some reason. like maybe im… toxic? like maybe me even suggesting it is some weird red flag that they shouldnt even be friends with me? maybe if im too close to them ill… ruin things… and knowing that that is a potential path i could take… it worries me, not that they might reject me, but that they might not…

sorry, i have better things to do then worry about that. i have a good life, friends who care about me, and a beautiful girlfriend!! i have no business being so fucking negative about stuff. jasprose tells me to let myself express my emotions, but sometimes my emotions are just so fucking dumb. i understand. listen i… ill talk to them, okay? dave and karkat. just. not while i am guiding the story. but that means that no one will see, so you will just have to trust that i eventually did, okay? i cant promise that they will say yes or no, but i can promise that i will be honest, and i will talk to them. what more can you do?

i breath a deep sigh as i sit comfortably in my chair by the fireplace. jasprose wanted to go out tonight, but i said i wasnt feeling it. that wasnt entirely untrue. ever since i ascended, i realized that there must be a reason dirk passed on the burden of the ultimate self to me… and i think i know what that reason is. and so, i marked my calendar for a year after he left. i missed the date, and i think its about a week after, but thats okay, it doesnt really matter. so, i knew today it was important for me to be focused. i uncross my legs, straighten out my skirt, and walk to the kitchen. In my kitchen there is a small window, and outside that window i have a clear view of the sunset. i see the message given to us in commemoration of our arrival at this victory state. the concept of a victory state is a very silly thing. a victory state suggests that we are done. that we did everything we would ever do. but this reality continues to perpetuate itself, somehow.

i have a question, mostly for myself. does a story that stops being told have an ending? obviously it has a superficial ending to the story, but, to the characters, do they keep going? or do they cease to exist? one dirk strider (okay, actually a lot of dirk striders hehehe) would argue yes, in order for those within the confines of a story to exist, the story must be told. i disagree. i believe that which we do not see is just as real as the words on the page. kind of like my conversation with dave and karkat that i plan on having… after im done talking, you can believe that i chickened out and never did it, or that i really did it, and both would have an equal truth value at this point. you could even argue that dave and karkats reactions to my confession could share this value. just because you never check on schrodingers cat doesnt mean the cat is NEITHER alive or dead. its both. when you close a book for good, its not that NOTHING happened to the characters after the story ended, its that anything could have happened. could happen? happened? whatever. If you think about it, an ending is a great freedom. the multiverse is no longer attempting to string together a set of events in order to adhere to canon.

this freedom from canon isnt freedom in the typical sense. the characters arent more able to do what they want, and their agency isnt directly increased… necessarily. Instead it is a cosmic sort of freedom. the freedom from a narrative. freedom to do as you wish. freedom knowing that you have/will do anything and everything. this may seem chaotic, but i find it calming! for me, being within a narrative has always meant having a job to do. having some sort of responsibility to uphold, and a burden that would more than likely end up causing me great suffering. freed from the constructs of canon or narrative, i am liberated. the best part isnt even my ability to act any way i wish, but the ability to CHOOSE whether i act or do not act. i, as well as all my friends, will be free to do nothing as well as we will be free to take dramatic action. some will find comfort in launching themselves into the stars, fighting evils and being important, others will find comfort in sitting down with a found family and cozying up with a blanket to watch a movie. me? well, i think i will find joy from both. purely to know that it was me who chose to do whats best for me, not some author… well, i suppose now im the author, huh? is it selfish to think i might be the best author this story has ever had? my second choice for things to do would probably be beautiful and amazing and have a cathartic ending where the characters, despite all their suffering, feel loved and warm in each others care. i suppose i can do that. i can at least secure that people end off this story in a state that can roughly be considered "happy". happiness is a weird goal to chase, but if anyone can truly capture it, it would be me!

i have another question, this time for you. if an author says nothing more than, “they were happy, the end” is it harder to believe? now, once you have answered that question, i want you to think about why. REALLY think about it, okay? i think I know the answer, and i think i know why. i think the answer is yes, it is hard to believe. and i think the reason is because happiness never comes that easy. but that doesnt mean it isnt possible. i… i have to believe its possible. sure, maybe things will get harder sometimes, but things will get easier too. you, me, anyone can find themselves at a point where no matter how hard things are, there is joy to be had. its true because it has to be true.

i like to be honest. i just think honesty is the best policy of all!! so i am going to be honest with you reader when i say i am mad. i have all this aggression and sadness pent up from an infinite number of lifetimes of not being able express that something is wrong… i am upset that my friends and i couldnt just get the ending, “and then they were happy”… when we arrived on earth c, and just settled into our lives, it felt perfect… sure, we didnt know what happened to lord english, we didnt know when terezi would come back, but it was the sort of ending you could just assume, “yeah, those people could be happy”. isnt that enough?

maybe it is slightly hollow? perhaps a grittier ending which highlights the suffering of the characters is “deeper” and “more substantial” but i dont really care. sure, i think an ending should have imperfections. life is imperfect. theres always someone who hasnt quite figured out who they are, theres always someone we wish was still here, but an ending with hope means that things can get better… characters can move on. characters can move on from their hopeless feelings, their relationship problems, and the people they lost. yeah, theres a certain sadness of not getting to know FOR SURE everything turned out fine… but that doesnt matter in the long run. what truly matters is that a story worth telling was told.

im obviously biased. i cant stand here and really say that endings that are sad are less meaningful. that isnt true. sometimes endings where things went wrong are good, both narratively and with the message they tell. i just feel so cheated? like that by taking away my ambiguous happy ending something greater was robbed from me. doesnt john deserve to overcome their depression and learn new things about themself? doesnt jake deserve to feel secure in his relationships? doesnt jane deserve to be loved and cared for by her friends? dont… dont i deserve to be happy? after all i have fought for, after all that has been done to me… dont i deserve to find joy through it all? honestly, writing an ending where i do find joy… its really hard. sure, i know what timelines make me feel more fulfilled, but… i really dont even know how i could make myself happy. if i just say, "jade lived on happily ever after" it just… doesnt make sense :(

how am i supposed to write my own happy ending if i dont know how to make myself happy… maybe i should just… deal with whatever i get? but pretending like i just have to deal with what i get is foolish. i guide the ending, i am in control of what happens or doesnt happen… i just dont know what ending would make me happy at this point. theres obviously something i have to work through, but how the hell am i supposed to listen to a therapist when im the one who guides their reality to my will? and no, rose doesnt count as a real therapist, hehehe.

i um… i have used my power in some places, actually hehehe. roses health is the only thing that really stands out. she just stopped ascending. i suppose you could argue we are leaving the orbit of canon, and thats why shes better now, but then you have to deal with my ascension being permanent. i suppose i could say my abilities stay because my ascension wasnt natural, but really… the only reason rose feels better is because i think she deserves it. thats all. does there have to be another reason? no.

jesus, i have really rambled, havent i? let me wrap this up. wow, all that was really unorganized? I need to get back on track.

in the end, for the subjects of a story to find peace, the story must come to a close. no set of people deserve peace, once and for all, more than me and my friends. i wasted so much time bending over backwards in order to please the narrative, and in order to preserve canon, always always always to my detriment. on the off chance that there is some version of jade harley reading this right now, i want to leave you with a message, and i can only hope that you will listen, and maybe, just maybe, the next version of jade harley will heed my warning. be assertive, know you are worth it, and above all, FUCK CANON.


	42. Epilogue 2

(I’m not as powerful as he is. That isn’t up for debate. He powered up more consistently, and he had more time to do it. Nevertheless, this is something that must be done for the perpetuation of reality.)

(As I fly through paradox space, I look in the reflection of my shades at Davepeta. As time goes on, they get further and further away behind me. This happens even though we are both traveling at the same speed. Davepeta has someone to meet. Someone to guide. They will end up guiding this someone to a much better place than any reality they have seen so far.)

(Paradox Space is an interesting place. At times it feels so full of shit, like horrorterrors and dream bubbles and a universe sized black hole. But in other places it’s completely empty. It doesn’t just look empty, it feels empty. The multiverse falls apart here, infinities multiplying into bigger infinities of possibility, with less and less reliance on the concept of an Alpha Timeline or canon. We are going beyond Paradox Space. We are entering Fanon Space)

(There’s been a change in reality that one particular Dirk didn’t expect. He can’t be sure why, maybe he didn’t collect enough canon artifacts to counteract the pure ridiculousness of everything that’s going down, but his adversaries are about to catch up with him before he even arrives at his destination. He is approximately 24 hours away from the planet he is trying to get to. Only a little more time, that’s all he needs… but he doesn’t have a little more time. His ships defenses aren’t enough to keep them away, and they begin boarding his ship.)

(I wait. I’m not sure what is even happening at this point, all I know is there is probably a showdown going on in there. A bunch of gods, facing off. I’d gather there’s Jake, Dave, Karkat, Jade, Roxy, Rose, and Kanaya, as well as Aradia and Callie in teen Jades body, vs Dirk and Rosebot. And Davebot’s there. Who knows what kind of chaos is going on in there. Can’t possibly be going all that well, considering we have two fuckers who can control the narrative in there. I would love to pop in and help, but the moment I do, He will be aware of my presence, and I can’t let that happen until the last second. As usual, the timing must be incredibly specific. I have to wait. But… then I see someone. There’s a face in the window. She notices me. She breaths on the window and marks with her fingers in the window, “>:?”.)

(Did she notice me because she was just wandering away from the battle, or… can she hear me? Oh, fuck, she starts writing on the window again. “Y3S”. Huh. Well, Terezi, stay where you are, because I would like to talk to you, but I need to be stealthy. I must keep my distance. I suppose I can just communicate with you this way, if you would like. I’m sure you’re confused why I’m here. If I’ve done this correctly, my appearance should seem entirely random.)

(The fact that I am here means the Dirk inside that ship has failed. As one who sees the branching paths of reality, you may have been able to tell that you are not on your way to fulfill Ult!Dirks plan. I think you understand the implications of that. Dirk can no longer hold his promise. Despite his struggle to maintain a level of canon, he has failed, and you have delved into the realm of non-canon. This reality has nothing left for you. But you are different from the rest, aren’t you? There’s a reason you walked away from the big fight that’s probably going down in there. You aren’t attached to this reality like they are. You have an option that they probably haven’t even considered. You could leave.)

(I begin approaching the door to the ship. Terezi looks at me from the other side of the glass. She looks tired. Tired and bored, despite the chaos going on not even a room away from her. It’s all inconsequential to her. Her mind is somewhere else right now. You don’t have to stay here. You aren’t bound to this reality, or his plan.)

(“WH3R3 WOULD 1 GO?” I know a place. If you go the exact opposite direction I went. There’s someone who wants to guide you. Someone who probably tastes like orange soda and watermelon. They are waiting out there to show you to a new place you can call home. And that’s not the only person who is waiting for you, is it? So, what’ll it be. You have the choice of course. I’m not going to guide your choice. I’m sure you could stay here, fight this fight, and try to make a meaning out of this instance of reality with everyone else. You just need to know you have the choice. You have the option to find something else.)

(Why should you trust me? That’s a good point. I’m just another splinter of the fucker that manipulated you into coming here in the first place. I pretty much have no way of verifying that I am trustworthy, but nevertheless, I’m here to help. This guy has all the pomp and circumstance with his big ship and his fancy cosplay and shit, but it’s all hallow. What I am here to do is tear down the influence this version of him has on this corner of reality. That is why I am here. If I get to empower you to leave in the process, hell yeah. That’s pretty much where I’m at. So, are you with me? No, I don’t really have much to say about this alternate reality, other than it’s better than the one you came from. Like I said, a flashy cat-bird troll-human will lead you there. If that isn’t fucking trustworthy what the fuck is? That fucker strobes at a frequency that is you could see you would just go fucking blind again. Yeah, I’m talking about Davepeta. I didn’t know you were familiar.)

(Terezi looks to her left. Down a hallway, through a door, there is a battle going down in there. This battle is full of rage, revenge, and emotion. Terezi doesn’t relate. She doesn’t feel the passion rushing through any of them as they exchange blows. It just seems so… empty. Like they are just doing it because it’s what they have been preparing to do for so long. That is certainly true for Dirk. At least his opponents have revenge as a motive, but Dirk? He knows he isn’t going to make it anymore, and if he hasn’t already admitted it to himself, he is either lying to himself, or he is in denial. He’s stronger than me, but there is something that I have that he sorely lacks. I would spoil what that is, but I think leaving it ambiguous leaves open the chance for a sick one-liner once the shit starts to hit the fan. I touch the metal door.)

Hey, who the fuck are you?

(Shit. Got too close. Hey, Terezi, mind opening the door?)

What the fuck? Terezi what the hell are you doing?

Terezi: TH3R3 YOU GO R4NDOM 4SS D1RK.

Terezi: 1 C4NT B3L31V3 HOW NORM4L YOUR GOD T13R LOOKS TO M3 R1GHT NOW.

Terezi: YOU ST1LL SM3LL L1K3 4 MORON >:]

I’m kind of doing something important right now, can you cut to the chase? State your deal, random fucking splinter.

(Yo. What did I miss?)

Okay so I guess you’re just going to ignore my question. Don’t think I’m not going to make you fucking answer that, by the way. I am currently in the middle of a climactic battle that I have been waiting for almost three years for. Just subdued the only one who rivaled my power. About to kick some more ass. Kind of being fucking distracted for some reason. So, why the fuck are you here?

(Do you really want me to go on about myself? You have a battle to focus on, don’t you? Don’t let me distract you from talking about yourself.)

Who the fuck are you? When are you going to answer that? Or are you just going to be a tool and continuously avoid that line of question.

(I’m your conscience, Dirk.)

Okay, I’m ignoring you for now. Because you are just pissing me off. I am going to resume where I left off. Feel free to intervene if you would like to get killed. Now, where was I? Oh yes.

Rosebot’s body locks in place, cold steel closing off Calliopes source of oxygen. I doubt she needs oxygen, but the act is simply meant to physically stop her from using her annoying abilities against me. Can’t do much pinned to the ground. My foes are all laying on the ground, having been beaten down by my oppressive power and my robotic daughter. None of them were a match for the abilities of a Prince of Heart. What is one supposed to do against one who may erase the very essence of anyone they please? But to my surprise, someone rises.

Kanaya. Quite fitting. The benevolent healer enraged against the malevolent destroyer. No one had been quite so thoroughly manipulated by me as Ms. Maryam. Some of my greatest work. Her conviction is strong. She, more than anyone, has something to fight me for. She, more than anyone, has a reason to wish she could defeat me. Alas, no use. Her wife no longer belongs to her. Hey Terezi, wanna get in on this? You’ve just been moping around all this time. Not that it matters.

(Dirk): Hey Terezi.

Terezi: ??

(Dirk): Go find your fucking girlfriend.

Terezi: >:0

(And then she left. Bye bye, shitty Dirk, Terezi is off to go kiss girls.)

Okay what the actual fuck.

(I enter the ship, shut the door, and begin walking down the hall. Something was going to happen here, but fuck it. It doesn’t matter. Dirk, whatever you were trying to do? It doesn’t matter anymore. Your plan failed. Your reality is moot. Surender now, and make this easy for me.)

You don’t know what you’re talking about. Where did you even come from?

(Some random reality.)

That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why?

(Because that’s where you are at this point. You are no longer exalted in your righteous antagonism journey. You’re like me. Just some random, pointless reality.)

You’re wrong. Nothing has changed.

(I offer my hand to Kanaya to help her up. She doesn’t take it. I draw my blade, holding a defensive stance.)

You are actually attempting to fight me? Like, this isn’t a joke? You have some power over the narrative, sure, but you’re nothing compared to me. There is nothing you could possibly do to stop me in my conquest. Defeating you will be the single biggest waste of my time I have ever been forced to do. You might as well step the fuck aside. I have slaved away at this narrative, ruthlessly guiding it towards my ultimate goal.

(You absolute fucking dumbass. Are you ignoring it, or are you just that stupid? If you were truly in charge at this point, wouldn’t you have made it to your goal before your adversaries arrived? And what of the narrative? Your whole reason for all the horrible actions you’ve taken. Doesn’t make much sense for the villain to defeat the heroes before his plan even comes to fruition? Or… are you already planning to lose? Just barely allow your adversaries to make it away alive? What is your endgame? And now, does it make much sense for… me to be here? Can you not see the deterioration of your reality?)

Do you think this is the fucking dream bubbles? Do you think just any random version of any random asshole can just come in here and be relevant? And don’t tell me I sound like a ridiculous overly pompous rich asshole, you know the truth behind my statements. I am more important then you. Everything you do fundamentally affects the multiverse less then anything I do. That isn’t up to debate. You lack the depth to stand up to me. What could you possibly have that I don’t have in much greater abundance?

Before you answer, that is fucking rhetorical, obviously.

(I’ll tell you anyway.)

Go fuck yourself. You are really fucking annoying. Nothing more. I can’t even find a good reason to monologue about this, you’re just a pain in the ass to be around. So, since you’re going to tell me regardless of what I fucking say, what? What do you have that I don’t?

(Friends.)

Hah. Very funny. This isn’t my little pony dumbass. That would be sick, but that’s beside the point. What makes you think you can use emotional leverage against me that was self-inflicted? That doesn’t even make any sense. You came here alone, you don’t even have legs to stand on. All you are possibly capable of is wasting my time. Actually, that makes me think. That must be your plan, huh? you’re stalling. Well then, I have no more time for this.

(Oh no don’t worry. He’ll make it short and sweet.)

Fucking who? You aren’t bringing another fucking Dirk into this are you? I swear to me if you fucking do that I will lose my shit in the most impossibly violent way.

(Just someone who has matched and surpassed my power, but hasn’t attempted to take control of the narrative. He’s too much of a good guy to. But now he will.)

You’re saying nothing to me now.

(I look in the glint of my glasses. He sees me. Finish the job.)

new dirk cuts old dirks head clean the fuck off

And it is so.

Dirk: Okay, you didn’t have to say, “the fuck” but I guess that’s all the time you needed.

Davebot: youre about to doubt my ability to judge time at this point

Davebot: fuck it i guess

Dirk: “Fuck it” is a pretty good reason.

Davebot: so what now

Kanaya: What Did You Say About Our Reality Deteriorating

Dirk: It is only deteriorating from his perspective. Like most things in Paradox Space it could also be seen as its opposite; a creative force.

Kanaya: Pardon My Impatience But I Would Appreciate It If You Would Explain In A More Direct Way

Dirk: What happens now is… whatever you all would like to happen.

Dirk: Is everyone on the ground currently knocked out? I missed the beginning of all this shit.

Kanaya: Yes, I Believe Eveyone Has Been Rendered Unconscious

Kanaya: Except Of Course You Two And Myself

Kanaya: And Perhaps My Wife Who

Kanaya: Is Not Speaking Regardless Of Her Inability To Be Unconscious

Dirk: Okay then, looks like you two get to decide.

Dirk: What would you like to do?

Kanaya: Perhaps We

Davebot: i think all i wanna

Davebot: oh sorry

Davebot: you go first

Dirk: Wow Dave. So rude.

Davebot: sorry dude

Dirk: I’m fucking with you, Kanaya go.

Kanaya: Okay Well Im Not Quite Sure What To Make Of That

Kanaya: Anyhow

Kanaya: We Are Much Too Far Away From Our Version Of Earth C To Ever Make It Back

Kanaya: This Ship We Have Raided Is Practically All We Have

Kanaya: But Perhaps

Kanaya: We Could Try

Davebot: what do you mean like

Davebot: just fuck around in space checking cool shit out until we maybe find home again

Kanaya: Pretty Much Yes

Kanaya: We Dont Have Anything Else To Do

Kanaya: And Personally I Would Like To Make It Back To My Home World

Kanaya: What About You Dave

Kanaya: Since You Are So Incredibly Eager To Speak

Davebot: oh no i dont want to go back

Davebot: there is pretty much nowhere in paradox space i would rather not be than my earth c

Kanaya: Oh

Kanaya: Well If I Am Correct You Do Not Originate From The Same Earth C As I So Our Goals Do Not Contradict

Kanaya: But There Must Be Something Else You Wish To Do

Kanaya: I Keep Seeing You Eye Your Alternate Self And Karkat

Davebot: yeah

Davebot: i

Davebot: i want to protect them

Kanaya: Is That All You Want To Do?

Davebot: in this current moment yes

Kanaya: Alright

Davebot: sorry i dont have a lot of convictions im too busy being a lame tin can

Kanaya: Fair I Suppose

Kanaya: But Dont You Have People On Your Earth C Who Are Expecting You

Kanaya: Surely You Must Be Missed

Davebot: …

Davebot: nope

Davebot: nah pretty much no reason to go back at all

Kanaya: I Am Going To Elect To Ignore How Obviously You Are Avoiding Something

Davebot: that sounds like a fucking wonderful idea

Kanaya: Glad You Agree

Kanaya: Should We Wake People Up

Dirk: Might as well give them time to heal.

Kanaya: Very Well

Kanaya: I Suppose I Should Just Get To Work Guiding This Ship Somewhere Else

Dirk: Let’s keep talking for a bit.

Kanaya: What Why

Davebot: its because you don’t know who between the two of us should control the narrative

Davebot: i mean i think it should obviously be me but

Dirk: No, Dave.

Dirk: I’m not staying here.

Dirk: And if I could choose who is in control here, it would be Kanaya, no offense.

Davebot: oh

Davebot: alright

Dirk: If anyone is going to direct the narrative it has to be you.

Dirk: You’re the only one who can.

Dirk: I think, since Kanaya is native to the timeline most of you are from, she should have a more direct contribution into the foundation of this reality.

Dirk: Plus, it just makes sense.

Dirk: The destroyer comes in so that the creator can rebuild.

Dirk: I’ve served my purpose.

Kanaya: What Are You Going To Do Now

Kanaya: If That Is Something That Matters

Dirk: It isn’t really.

Dirk: I’m just going to fuck off into Paradox Space.

Kanaya: Alright

Kanaya: That Works For Me

Kanaya: Not To Be Rude But Looking At You Makes Me Really Mad

Kanaya: Incredibly So

Kanaya: Regardless Of How Logically Sound That Is

Dirk: I think that’s fair.

Dirk: I did take something from you.

Kanaya: And What Might You Be Referring To

Dirk: I took away your opportunity to cut another bastard in half with your kickass chainsaw.

Kanaya: Oh Yes

Kanaya: I Think You Are Right That Is Pretty Horrible Of You

Kanaya: In Fact

Kanaya: I Have Decided To Never Forgive You For That Particular Choice

Dirk: To briefly defend myself, you may cut him in half again.

Kanaya: I Dont Need Your Permission

Dirk: True.

Kanaya: …

Kanaya: But It Would Be Cut In Thirds At This Point

Kanaya: And Thats Just Not The Same

Dirk: Yeah, I feel that.

Dirk: Well, hey, maybe some other version of me will show up for you to slaughter.

Kanaya: Wow

Kanaya: I Cannot Think Of Something I Want To Happen Less

Kanaya: Apologies If That Seems Harsh

Kanaya: Except Im Not Sorry

Kanaya: Fuck That

Dirk: Fair.

(Back into the parentheticals I go. I want to give space to this reality for their own story. To allow them to forge their own existence. I have done all I can do for them.)

(I have completed my task. With what I have done here, I have ensured that the future of this story is not plagued by the influence of other stories. What comes next will be a unique instance of reality. Which is all that I ask. In order for reality to perpetuate itself, the story must be told. I did all this so that the necessary pieces were in place for the ones who come after us. So few people are concerned with such things.)

(I can imagine one asking, “What now? What could possibly be next? Isn’t this the ending of a story?” And I would argue no. This is the ending only for me and my perspective through this particular instance of reality. The perspectives of the ones who are from here will continue, and their story will be told if they deem it worthy of being told. This is only the beginning of the end of a long, long prologue, detailing the dangers that come with telling a story that commits too strictly to the rules of what its based on. While adhering to the rules of canon may be important for creating an instance where the actions and feelings of its inhabitants are important and impactful, adhering to what is particularly known too much will only destroy that reality.)

(It is important to be creative when considering the multiverse. In reality, anything can happen. Anything could have happened. When you, reader, think about Earth C, what do you envision? Is it the two timelines you were given? If so, think back some time, before those two stories were offered to you. You had a vision of what Earth C was like, did you not? Where did that vision go? Is that reality now impossible since you saw something else? Is it not possible that in an explorable reality the things YOU wanted to happen did in fact happen? The answer is it is possible. Not only is it possible, it is true. That reality is just as real as anything else. I encourage you, reader, to uncover that story. Uncover the story of the reality that existed in your heart from the ancient tomb of the collective unconscious and share that story. No matter what you think, it is a story worth telling. Don’t ever let some bastard tell you it isn’t, especially if that bastard is me.)

(I walk down the hallway I came from and tell my brother and daughter-in-law my goodbyes. Take care of this ship, I tell them. I close the door on my way out. With one last glance at the ship, I begin to scan the horizon. There I see what looks like a bright green star. In the middle of that bright green is an inky blackness. That dark grows and grows, unbeknownst to the eyes. We must be close to Paradox Space. I then turn in the opposite direction, and fly. I have no business attempting to be near canon anymore. I have no place within it. I have no place even within the focus of a tale. And so, as my last act of sacrifice, I will in fact not talk about myself. This is probably the bravest thing I have ever done.)

(Somewhere in the infinite expanse of existence and non-existence, Davepetasprite^2 looks for someone. They don’t know who, and they are surprised when they find out. One of the people who was waiting to guide them was in fact an old friend, both of Nepeta’s and of Dave’s, that neither of them had seen in a long, long time. But the search is not over. Because this troll girl, too, is looking for something. Looking for someone. She isn’t sure if she should be looking for her or waiting for her. Davepeta knows where to go. They failed to tap into the abilities of heart for their moirail, but perhaps they could succeed for someone else’s. Davepeta points to the hole in the sky. They point and ask her if she sees that. She doesn’t. Davepeta tells her that is where we need to go.)

(So, the two of them go. Terezi gave up. Terezi thought she would never try again, but now… she can’t shake the feeling that the decision to give up was not her own. It feels like regaining your faith in god. For the first time in years, no, millennia… her ultimate goal is within reach. All she has to do is reach out cosmically and grab it. Grab her, rather. Davepeta dusts off their matchmaking abilities, and gets to work. The two of them begin their flight.)

(No longer will they be confined to the burden of serving someone else’s goal.)

(You should do the same.)


	43. Intermission 1

The MSPA Reader takes their hands off their keyboard for a moment, scanning up and down the page, looking confidently at the piece of work they just created. After re-reading the roughly 60,000 words, they think to themselves, “Wow, that sure worked out well, didn’t it?” Didn’t it? They have a hard time deciding if it worked out too well or not well enough. They suppose it depends on the goal. If the goal was to write something more pleasant then Meat or Candy, they suppose they succeeded. If the goal was to make the characters happy, well, that was a bit of a mixed success, but they would mark that down as a win. Did it fill the hole in their soul? Oof, that’s a bit of a rough one.

I, um... I guess it’s about time I came clean? Dirk… didn’t actually “take over the narrative”. That was a lie. Or, I guess not a lie, but pretend. I was just pretending to be Dirk instead of pretending to be me in some fictional version of Earth C. I thought for a long time about whether or not I should confess to this... I decided yes. I’m pretty much just writing this to myself, so either there is no harm to admitting it wasn’t real, or, if someone out there does get this somehow, they don’t make a mistake in believing in a bunch of nonsense events. I would hate for someone in Paradox Space to get my story and read it and think, “Golly, Earth C sounds like one heck of a nice place to live!!” and end up in some planet wide civil war or some shit.

For some reason that I can’t put my finger on… the words on a page that I read that were The Homestuck Epilogues seemed to mean more than the ones I just spent countless fucking hours writing? I suppose that could be because the events told in that story… really happened? Did they really happen? I mean, the things in Homestuck really happened, Doc Scratch is proof enough of that. I guess I just assumed that maybe if I controlled the text like Dirk did it would change reality? You can’t blame me for trying. Unfortunately, it seems like I am still here at my computer desk in The Felt Manor. Just fuckin sitting here. Not reunited with my pals.

I thought my ending was pretty nice though, all things considered. Dave and Karkat are happy, Rose and Kanaya are both still together AND not fighting in a civil war, John, Roxy, Calliope, they’re all fine, I guess Jane could have some sort of character arc or something if she wants, the sprites are finally back… Honestly, where the hell did the sprites go in the first place? It was such a weird and huge exclusion!! Now, I’m not going to sit here and act like the story COULDN’T go on without fucking Tavrosprite, but it still seemed weird he, and all the other sprites, just seemed to not exist at all? That’s what I didn’t get… anyway, I digress, the sprites were there, Jake got SOMETHING other than a fucking boot to the face for the entirety of his life, and Jade Harley got to have a girlfriend!! She lives in a little house tending to her garden and she’s HAPPY GOD DAMMIT… god, Jade…

You know… I really latched on to Jade when writing this story. It’s probably pretty obvious if you read it. I guess it’s because I relate to her the most? She has a lot of people she cared about, then all she got to feel was… detached from them, and alone… And that’s exactly the ending I got. I made all these friends on Alternia, they were all so important to me, and now… I get this. Isolated and alone, except for a bunch of green felt monsters I try to ignore every day. Oh, and Damara. She seems nice enough, but she kind of avoids talking to anyone too. God, Scratch is such a bastard… I would say the ending I got was pretty unfair. So, I thought… Maybe if I can find a way to make Jade Harley happy in my story, I could find a way to make myself happy? And if she has to be alone, like I do, maybe I can find a way to make her happy by herself… but how the hell do I even DO that? The idea of being happy while alone is almost completely unrelatable to me at this point… Sure, I got exhausted sometimes while I was on Alternia, but… knowing I could go back to them at any time was a comfort I kept with me... and I don’t know how to go on without it. I don’t understand. I don’t understand and it is really fucking frustrating just how much I don’t get it. I bet it’s frustrating for her too… Jade I mean. She has more of a scientific mind then I do, she probably agonizes over the non-existent equation to solve joy. I bet she agonizes over it’s lack, if nothing else. I don’t know how to make it easier for her… because I don’t know how to make it easier for myself.

God, you know what? I JUST figured out the problem. After all this time, I just realized what the crucial difference was between my story and The Epilogues. I didn’t fucking write Vriska in. God dammit, if I included Vriska in my story she alone probably would have willed my writing into relevance to the point of manifesting itself in reality. That kind of fucking pisses me off???? A lot???? Fuck, I am really, really mad about this. Jesus. Man, that is so fucking stupid… Say what you will about her, she has a really easy time making people mad.

I mean, I could just… edit it? The text is malleable, as is it’s hypothetical reality… I could totally just write it differently. It’s my story, I could go, “Actually, Vriska was there and hung out with Kanaya and Rose, it was super epic. Maybe Vriska had a pitch ‘will they won’t they’ with Rose for a bit? Oh, how exciting, more romance drama to sink our hungry teeth into!! Can’t get anything better than that, can we? Also, she never talks to or sees Jake at any point in her century’s long lifetime! That, I think, is essential to the enjoyment of Vriska content. Just her and whatever cool girls she surrounds herself with. She would totally hang out with Jade, I think. They have a TOTAL nerd/jock dynamic!! Except I don’t really know who’s the nerd and who’s the jock in that situation? Whatever!”

…

Wow, look at that, I’m on Earth C with all my pals in a beach house!! They are all getting along and unlearning all the terrible things about Alternia, and more then anything else I get to be with them!! I have dinner with Stelsa and Tyzias, I listen to Chixie write her music, I sketch planes with Vikare, I ghost Zebruh, and I never, never, ever give Mallek his hoodie back. Ever. Some nights, when the house is quiet and time is moving slowly, I walk out to the beach and stand in the shallow water, ankles deep. When I’m there I think about all the horrible shit I went through… I think about the many, many injuries, I think about being alone for what felt like forever, and more than any of that I think about how it’s all over. I think about how it all paid off in the end. I think about how I got exactly what I, and all my friends, deserved. This, truly, is a dream come true.

I just sighed. In real life, I just sighed. It was really quite emotional. So emotional, in fact, I almost cried!! Almost. Not Quite, but almost. Yeah, no, if you couldn’t have guessed, I’m still in this shit ass mansion. Chilling. I don’t even know what to do anymore after Homestuck… What is there left to do? When Will I get to know what happened to my friends? I mean, I know that they all eventually have to die. I saw Alternia in the comic, with the lifespan of Trolls it must be such a long time after all my friends are dead… and Alternia is not only shitty, it’s worse. But… at the same time, maybe they didn’t? Maybe, somehow, through all the strange shit that goes on, they made it off the planet? Maybe they all stole a ship, or found a portal, or… something… maybe even only a few of them… But, something? That would be nice to think about. If only. Those stumps look incredibly inviting. Shut up, Reader, don’t think like that. You can’t lose yourself. Not now. There HAS to be hope… There has to be. I just can’t stand thinking about a reality where there isn’t… maybe that’s why I spent so much time thinking about this OTHER reality that I MADE UP… Because the one I currently reside in, despite its moments of beauty, its moments of compassion, and its moments of FRIENDSHIP… It all ends in hopelessness. I think that is the only possible takeaway here. Yeah. Fuck.

I think…

I think I’m just going to take a nap. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. I haven’t taken a nap in a long time. Too busy reading, too busy writing, you know how it is. I am… so tired… So incredibly tired. I’ll just. Post this? And… maybe if I just sort of… believe in it… and if a few other people do too… maybe it will become just a little bit more real? Maybe, just maybe, Jade Harley will figure out how to be happy. Holy shit, then, if I'm lucky, maybe I’ll meet her, and she can tell me. I won't lie, it’s not likely. But a girl can dream I suppose. A girl can dare to dream. Goodnight.


	44. Intermission 2

Hi. Sorry about last night, I got a little caught up in my emotions. It’s hard not to get caught up in them when I feel them so damn infrequently thanks to Doc Scratch… Now, that I think about it, it’s… kind of amazing that I had that breakdown last night? It makes me feel like maybe Doc Scratch didn’t strip everything from me… there’s still a little bit of me left in here. There isn’t much to be thankful for here, so I suppose I will take what I can get!

I feel a bit better, actually. I woke up and… Just kind of felt… refreshed? As refreshed as one can feel with my emotions being stripped from me while in a fancy green hellscape. Every morning here feels groggy. Well, there technically aren’t any ‘mornings’ but you know what I mean. Every time I wake up it’s like waking up sick. Like the air is thick, but also like there is no air at all. It’s a weird feeling, and it isn’t easy to try to put into words.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I honestly don’t. I guess I just spent all my spare time here writing, so I just sort of… don’t know what else to do? Other than record my thoughts onto a page. I have nothing else here. I suppose maybe it’s a way of my self-expression muscles that have been ever so worn down recently. I miss making art. I don’t know if this comes close to being art, but it’s something. Something I made, that has voice, even if the voice isn’t necessarily a peppy and energetic one. Feeling hollow all the time is one hell of a drug. God, what am I-

Oh, shit, what was that? Hold on, I heard something… Why am I typing this? Fuck it, ill get back to this.

hey, it’s me, john! no, haha, I’m not like ultimate self john or anything. i’m just typing this normally on a keyboard without the use of any reality bending powers like a jack ass! okay, so i don’t know who is reading this, the reader just seemed to think it was really important i wrote this down, so i am! if you are reading this, first off, hi!! hope you’re having an alright one in whatever dumb corner of paradox space you’re in! second, you’re probably wondering what the fuck is actually going on. it’s a bit of a long story? but not nearly as long as this dumb shit story has already been going on for, so i’m sure you can handle it.

so, after jade ended our story up there in epilogue 1, shit got a little stupid? shit was pretty normal actually, just a little drama here and there. nothing that was something we couldn’t deal with. mostly shit just got a little boring? but we basically had an entire planet to do fun shit on, so i think that’s just because we decided to be bored lol. my partners are always asking me to get out more? they’re probably right, haha, ive kinda let myself go. they seem to think i look fine, so it isn’t that, i just could use to work out is all. rose says that helps deal with feeling depressed? i don’t know about that though hehehe.

one day, out of the blue, there was this huge breaking news thing that a mansion in the troll kingdom had caught fire. i didn’t have much connection to it, and i don’t even think there were any casualties? they were next to the ocean for gods sake, couldn’t they just get water from there? that doesn’t matter, bluh! anyway, i was trying to get somewhere. right, the reader, god damn staying on track with this is really fucking difficult! breathing here feels so fucking shitty, i have GOT to get the hell out of here. blaaaarg, back on topic!! after the fire i met someone who i thought was a vagrant carapace, really blended in the carapace kingdom, but in reality, it was dave’s friend, the reader! I don’t know if dave was actually friends with them, but dave knew them and they seem really nice so i’m sure they got along! oh, we call them the reader because they read our life stories as a webcomic! i would make comment on how weird that is, but you just read them creating our whole timeline, so shit is just like this for some fucking reason. oh my god I didn’t even mention where i’m from!! jesus fucking christ, look at me trying to tell you a fucking story!! haha, this is not my strong suit.

okay, so you know the shit that the reader was saying in intermission one? almost all of that is bull shit!! well, not the feeling depressed stuff, that was true. what wasn’t true is how fictional the story was!! because that is my timeline! Something about this terminal makes it some sort of command station? But I guess with more power? I don’t fucking know how this works, but im pretty sure that’s the deal. okay, now that i finally told you where the hell i came from, you can stop asking who this douchebag is! it’s john from the story you just read. :B

the reader came to me for a request. so i told them that i would do what i could! i was really shocked when they asked me to use my retcon powers! they said that some version of them was bending reality, but went off the rails, and now things needed to be changed? i kept asking them how they knew all this stuff, but they just kept dodging the question and acting all cagey and shit, so i just gave up. basically, they wanted me to use my zappy powers to come get them, and then bring them to a specific section in act one. of the fanfic, not the webcomic, holy shit could you imagine haha. they wanted me to specifically get them AFTER they had already written all of it though, because i guess they needed to be done so we could continue… perpetuating existence? i still have no fucking clue how they knew all this stuff, they seemed like a total dork haha.

they told me to bring their alternate self to scene four. or was it chapter four? i actually have no idea hahaha. it probably doesn’t matter much? these zappy powers have less to do with specifics and a lot more to do with like… vibes? that sounds so dumb, ugh. anyway, they wanted me to bring their alternate self to scene four so that they could tell jade something important while she has dinner with callie and roxy, and change everything for the better! i have no idea what they would do, and honestly i’m kind of confused about it all?

okay, for starters, im not sure what was wrong with our timeline? like, fundamentally i mean. sure, some weird stuff happened, like that fucking roof top battle and jane going ape shit for no reason, but nothing that seemed like it wasn’t just our regular horseshit? i mean, life did feel just… off on earth c for a long time, but roxy tells me that’s depression haha. if some alternate john is reading this, yes. it is in fact depression. rose said that something about our timeline didn’t narratively satisfy some sort of stated conditions, nor did it satisfy it’s own goals, but i actually have no idea what that means? like sometimes I will say, “wow, i have no idea what you’re talking about!” but if i really thought about it i would probably get it? but when rose goes off about narratives i actually just don’t fucking comprehend a single solitary second of that shit. sorry rose, your words are just so ridiculous! so i was really nervous about the prospect of just popping into my past and changing the plot of our lives! i almost refused!

i was talking to rose about it… and she told me that there was a way i could come back after things had been changed. i thought that wasn’t how that shit worked at all, but it turns our pre-retcon timelines still exist conceptually even when they are retconned, and my zaps can take me to any place that exists conceptually, so i could hypothetically come back home after i changed things. hypothetically of course. the only thing i was missing was a way to locate a previous version of earth c… so, rose said she would act like a pilot light, and gave me a code word, kind of like terezi did that one time? and the reader seemed so desperate… i didn’t want to let them down! so, i agreed, and here i am.

okay, side topic, i had this hilarious conversation with rose where she was trying to be all serious about the nature of our reality and the effects of our choices and stuff and made some reference to two timelines, one being like meat and the other being like candy, and the whole time i was just babbling about what this timeline would be called. she was saying all this important stuff and i was just like, “I mean, maybe this is the ‘beet ending’ because it’s a different type of food but its round like the lollypops callie is crazy about but is red on the inside like meat?’ the look on her face was priceless. she was sooooo mad. i didn’t even like the name i came up with i was just doing it to mess with her. anyway, back to the important stuff!!

they seemed really hyped to rewrite their own shitty story hehehe. well, they wont actually be here to write it, they will be inside the story? will it just… auto-write itself in this terminal? or does it not work like that? i don’t know, maybe once you transition from author to character and not both the nature of how the story functions just kinda changes? like, maybe it wont be written down anywhere at all, or maybe someone else will write it instead? Oh wait shit… the only person who would be here to continue writing after we’re gone is… okay no, doc scratch can not have this story. i’m going to ask the reader if it’s alright if i destroy the shit out of this computer when we leave. okay he said i can do that as long as i make sure to save when I’m done. okay, i guess it’s time to close this off? man, this has been kind of fun, recounting my story and all that, haha. okay, let me get this shit in the bag!!

do not worry, person reading this, the story will continue! now that all this weird stuff has happened, i hear things will start to get better! i, personally, am really excited for that! new possibilities are always really cool, haha. okay, i have to go. take care of yourselves out there, i’m going to go gank that guys crowbar and knock the shit out of this computer so it’s reality bending powers can’t be used for evil! now that i think of it, was this all some big never ending story reference? i never watched it, but doesn’t some young boy find a cursed book and end up writing the story until they ended up… forging that story’s reality? or… ended up being a character in the story? something like that? whatever, i didn’t watch it. anyway, see ya later!


	45. Act 5, Chapter 1: Multiverse Pirates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there isn't too much confusion, I want to specify 2 things: 1. These coming chapters are going to be longer and so they will take a longer time to make. 2. The story is switching from 1st person to 2nd person, while keeping the same perspective. It may seem like a weird choice, but the nature of the story is different now, so I feel as though the writing should reflect that. So "you" is MSPA Reader. I think the writing suggests as much, but I just wanted to make it clear 0u0. Thanks for the patience, enjoy!

Jade is used to going place to place, but usually she visits for a while. This time, she just needs time away. There’s something pent up inside her about Dave and Karkat, that she just can’t shake. She can’t calculate it away. Of course, she knows why she’s mad at Karkat right now, but normally she would just clap back, or call him out and move on. But this time something was calling her to get to the root of what’s aching her heart. It doesn’t take a lot of soul searching to discover that the thing in question is love, as inconvenient as it can be.

She sends a message, requesting to spend the night, and starts heading towards the Carapace Kingdom.

Roxy: yo callie, mind if jade comes over tonight?

Calliope: of coUrse! bUt i thoUght she was staying with dave and karkat… :U oh dear, did something bad happen?

Roxy: idk she didn’t rly-

They hear a knock at the door. It’s Jade. Calliope approaches and opens the door. Jade looks like someone who was on the verge of angry tears but stopped themself.

Calliope: oh, jade, are yoU alright? come on in…

Jade: thanks, callie :( hi roxy, sorry for barging in on you two, is it alright if i stay the night?

Roxy: yea man im cool with that! callie you up for a sleepover?

Calliope: oh yes! that soUnds fUn ^u^

Calliope: bUt it seems as if there’s something wrong?

Calliope: is everything alright jade?

Jade: no, not really…

Jade: karkat was being a dick to me, and i stormed off, but

Jade: i dont think thats it because if it was, i would have stormed off a long time ago and a lot more frequently :/

She sits down on their couch.

Jade: i dont want to be a bother, but is it alright if i vent?

Roxy: ofc jade…

Roxy sits down next to Jade, who currently has her head in her hands, seemingly exhausted. Roxy lays a hand on her knee.

Calliope: woUld yoU like me to get Us something to eat? 0u0

Roxy: ur the best callie <3

Calliope: ^u^

Jade relaxes. She sighs, lets her arms down, and whips her hair behind her, leaning back on the couch.

Roxy: why r u here jade

Roxy: whats goin on in that head of urs

Jade: im having

Jade: ugh

Jade: boy problems :/

Roxy: lol ive been there that’s 4 fuckin sure.

Jade: hehehe i thought you might be good to talk to since youre the most dave strider without being actual dave strider

Roxy: o shit what did he do

Jade: not much actually

Jade: im kinda madder at karkat right now?

Jade: youre just good to talk to in general hehehe

Roxy ok so what did THEY do?

Jade: i just feel..

Jade: well its wrong to say i feel out of place, because i feel really at home with them, they just have these huge walls up they refuse to take down, even for each other!! its frustrating…

Roxy: I feel that, I feel that.

Calliope: I broUght food!! ^u^

Calliope brings in a large plate with four smaller plates, two plates of spaghetti, assumedly for the humans, and two plates for Calliope, and stacked with meat, the other, candy.

Jade: ill save mine for later, im not really hungry right now…

Roxy: so, ur mad at karkat, wtf happened.

Jade: he was just being douchey about me being ‘promiscuous’ and shit…

Jade: i dont know if hes like… pitch flirting, or… if im just taking it wrong? like, if i want to be in that kind of relationship should I just… deal with it? that sounds shitty…

Calliope: now, typical cherUb caliginoUs relationships are very different from trolls, but most of them resUlted in death… i mention this becaUse the rUles of oUr cUltUres were pretty toxic, so yoU might find it fortUitous not to so closely follow such rUles…

Roxy: tbf she doesnt really… not from earth anyway

Roxy: look, jade, I grew up on an earth that had all kinds of troll culture jammed into it, and i have a pretty good intuition for when peeps b waxing pitch for each other

Roxy: I think what he said to you was just mean, and its super okay for you to feel that way…

Jade: :( yeah

Roxy: and look, i love those 2 dumbasses, but u don’t gotta just let them walk over u and shit

Roxy: ur not really one to let people walk on u tho so u know that

Roxy: im just sayin, idk karkat super well, but its obv he cares about his friends, hes just shitty at showing it

Roxy: so like

Roxy: u gotta tell him what he did was shitty and if he refuses to apologize, thats on him I guess?

Roxy: lol am I making sense?

Jade: yeah…

Jades eyes drift over to one of calliopes plates, the one with large rare steaks. Suddenly she’s very hungry.

Jade: hey callie, can I have one of your steaks?

Calliope: why yes 0u0 here yoU are

ZAP!! Suddenly, as John takes your hand, the two of you find yourselves in a light gold and purple room. In that room, along with the common Livingroom-Kitchen amenities, are three of Johns good friends, Jade, Roxy, and Calliope. Oh holy shit, the meat and candy!!

Jade: :0

Roxy: :0

Calliope: :U

John: woah, alright here we are!

John: haha, sorry if this is confusing, i’m just here to drop off our friend the reader into the past.

Calliope: oh dear, john if yoU are Using yoUr retcon abilities… well there mUst be something wrong!! what’s happened?

John: haha, no need to worry callie. i just needed to make some small edits for some dumb universe reasons I guess

John: or, i guess i needed to help this guy make edits? haha, whatever, its probably fine.

You notice Jade, as surprised as she is, begin to reach for Calliopes huge steak. Oh shit!! Jade no!! You tell Jade that for the sake of her health, as well as for the sake of the metaphor that this universe hinges on for some fucking reason that she really HAS to pace herself and get an even and healthy amount of both MEAT and CANDY. Like, it is so stupidly important. Ridiculously important.

Jade: oh!

Jade: um… sorry?

Jade: ill eat healthier i guess… um

Jade: im sorry but… who are you?

John: oh, this is my friend the reader! they are from your future! or i guess an alternate version of someone from a now a retconned version of your future? man, this shit is so dumb haha.

Roxy cocks his hip and looks at you quizzically.

Roxy: wait, y the fuck do they call u the reader?

Roxy: also, um

Roxy: his…?

John: oh, that’s a hard question, i guess they read a story that contained all the events of our adventures with sburb and stuff that surfaced in another dimension or something? i think it’s fucking complicated and i have no idea about any of the specifics.

You try and briefly explain that a white orb-head named Doc Scratch kidnapped you and forced you to read the comic while you were stranded on the moon of an alien planet, but there is pretty much no brief way of explaining any of that shit. Also, you think briefly about how you should conduct yourself with Roxy’s pronouns… Roxy doesn’t go by “he” at the moment, but also you know a version of them where making sure you were accurate about that was important… you suppose you will just check up on Roxy about it later? God you hope he realizes he’s trans soon. That would illuminate a lot of confusion for you, personally.

You suddenly remember what was happening in this scene. This was a very early one, so it has been quite a while, but… Jade is thinking about Dave and Karkat if you remember correctly? Yeah, Karkat said something douchey recently. She looks like she is in deep thought. She looks back and forth at the meat and the candy. You wonder if she is thinking about your advice? Maybe she’s going to use it as a metaphor for her feelings or something. Who fucking knows? She might just be thinking about how dumb and cute all her friends are. She thinks about that pretty often, so that isn’t a horrible guess.

John: okay, i should probably get out of here, haha.

John: ive got a timeline to get back to and all.

Roxy: oooo got any spoilers 4 me older john?

Calliope: no! no spoilers!

John: hehe, cuties. alright, i’m going to go now. take care, say hi to twenty two year old john for me!

Roxy: :0!!

Calliope: 0//////0

And with that, John zaps away. When he does, there is a small breeze, caused by the air flowing back into the empty space he left. It tussles a few loose napkins. You hope he makes it back to his timeline alright. You are certain Rose will help him out, she is rarely wrong about stuff like that.

Roxy: yea, rose is pretty good at that shit, i wouldn’t worry abt it lol

Calliope: very trUe 0u0

Calliope: by the by, woUld yoU like to stay for dinner? if yoU two don’t mind of coUrse.

Roxy: u good with reader stayin for some food?

Jade: i mean, i wasnt expecting to talk to anyone else today… but sure! theyre cute, so they can stay. hehehe

Oh! Oh man, you don’t want to stay for too long, or else you might accidentally fuck with some weird timeline butterfly effect shit! But at the same time, you are SO fucking hungry. That spaghetti looks really fucking good right now… You don’t want to be rude, but it appears that your pleading expression makes it more than obvious what you would like.

Roxy: im getting this little dude some mf spaghetti one sec

You thank Roxy. You take a moment to ponder how closely this instance of reality will follow to what you wrote in your fanfiction… God, you kind of hope not? Not that you don’t like what you wrote, but… You kind of went off the rails? That other version of you seemed to trust that you needed to change things…

Roxy returns with some food and you scarf that shit down. God, you haven’t had a good meal in so fucking long. Jade is picking at her food and eating small bites. You worry about her, but you’re sure she will figure it out. She’s a smart girl. You just wish you could do something to ensure that she will be in better spirits than she was in your writing… The morals of having written a reality into existence isn’t really something you’re equipped to think about right now, actually. You elect to save this train of thought for later.

You finish your food while the three gods banter about nothing in particular. The topics range from things they want to make to their favorite types of animal, but notably avoids talking about their problems. Now, it may just be that they really don’t want to talk about their problems right now, but on the off chance they are avoiding it because you are around, you decide you should probably head out. Who would want to vent to some rando who just magically teleported into your house? They would have to at LEAST teleport outside of their house for that to even be remotely acceptable. When you are done with your food, you thank your hosts for their hospitality, and tell them you will be on your way.

Calliope: oh, gone so soon? well, good lUck with yoUr qUest to fix whatever problem occUrred in yoUr timeline!

Roxy: see ya later man

Jade: bye!!!

Roxy: take care out there, its a big city

You tell them that you will be sure to take care of yourself, and see yourself out. Once you’re out of their Livingroom you find yourself at the top of a long downward spiral staircase. You begin to descend the tower, admiring the stained glass windows and carapacian architecture. Once you reach the throne room, you exit out onto the Carapace Kingdom streets. It’s late, and the streetlamps dimly illuminate the sidewalk.

You suddenly realize you are still fucking homeless. Oh, god dammit. You suppose you could go back and ask to stay, but you already said all your goodbyes, you’re sure it would be some sort of social misstep. But… you don’t really like the idea of being out alone in this big city at night… perhaps you could walk to a less densely populated part of town and find a place to take a nap... or maybe you could find someone to help you? You scan the horizon, and begin walking down the street. As you are doing that, you find what looks like some kind of bus stop? That seems like as good a place as any to stop for a moment.

You JUST woke up from a nap. You never really had a sense of time in the Felt Manor, but you’re are sure that your sleep schedule for Earth C is going to be a pain in the ass. You must not have napped for very long, because as you lay back on the bench next to the bus stop, you begin to feel your eyes weigh down, and you drift to sleep.

You are suddenly awoken by the sound of a hover vehicle. For a moment, you’re confused by your surroundings, then you remember what happened. God you are so fucking glad to be out of that hellhole… it’s still dark, so you didn’t sleep through the night. Why is a bus still out so late…? It’s a golden double-decker bus with no wheels. It just stopped and opened its doors, dispensing a staircase for you to climb up. Inside is a grizzled looking Dersite, piloting the craft with a complicated looking steering device. Welp, it sure beats laying out in the cold.

You enter the bus. The seats are black with gold stitching. You ask what the price for riding the bus is, fully prepared to attempt to woo this person into letting you go for free.

??: What? No, just take a seat. Are you not from around here?

You inform them that no, you are not from around here.

??: Huh. Well, I might as well let you know that while donations are appreciated, I don’t make people pay for midnight-4am trips. No one out this late has any reason to be driving, so might as well make shit easier for em, ey?

Oh! Well that is very kind of them to do! You take a seat. The bus is empty except for you two. They’re wearing a thick black trench coat, with a gray sweater underneath. They have a huge scar underneath their right eye. God, this guy looks like he got fucked up…

BD: The names Brooke Dammayer, but people just call me the Bus Driver.

Oh, alright. Sounds good you guess? He begins driving. You peer out the window and see many very fancy looking tall apartment buildings. There are towers, shops, and parks scattered everywhere. It honestly looks like a really nice place to live.

BD: So, where you headed?

Oh, um. You suppose just out of the city? You don’t really have anywhere to go.

BD: Hm. Fair enough. So, what do they call you?

Okay, apparently, it’s small talk time. You weren’t particularly prepared for this, but You suppose you will oblige since he is taking you somewhere for free. You tell him people call you The Reader. It sounds like a really fucking pretentiously avant-garde title when you say it out loud. You probably should have just told him your fucking name.

BD: Oh, a ‘the’ name? You must be rather important! Haven’t met someone who went by ‘the’ since my great grandfather.

You honestly didn’t know that made you special? You ask him who his grandfather was. Also… you didn’t know carapaces could have kids?

BD: Wha- Reader, it’s an adopted family line, you-

He stops the bus and slowly turns towards you. He’s squinting, like he is wracking his mind to fully understand what you just said to him.

BD: Do you not know where baby’s come from?

No, you do!! You swear you do!! You neglect to tell him that for his specific species, no, you in fact have no fucking idea where baby’s come from. He takes that answer and continues driving. It’s a bit quiet, so you quickly try to change the subject. You ask him who his great grandfather was again. You’re pretty sure you won’t know him, no matter how important he was.

BD: Heh, I like to keep a quiet life, so I don’t really go about tellin a lot of people. My grandfather was The Mayor.

Oh, holy shit, really!? That’s like, the one person he could have said that you could recognize! He must be rather old then…

BD: hehe, yeah, im getting on in years, but in reality, there should be a few more greats attached to ‘great grandfather’. Havin my 600th in a few months actually.

Oh wow, you had no idea carapaces lived that long…

BD: What? Aren’t you a carapacian?

You tell him, no, in fact, you are not. You have squishy skin and you bruise easily. Now that you think of it… you do kind of look like one. A lot. But despite that, you are totally a human. Totally. He side eyes you suspiciously for a moment before carrying on.

BD: Fair enough. I’m gonna take you to a safer part of the outskirts, until then, why not try and get some rest?

You take him up on that offer. You could really use some. Yeah, you are going to have a hell of a time affixing your sleep cycle to this planets schedule. You lean back and allow yourself to rest once more. The noise of the engine and the buzzing lights helps you lull off into sleep.

For a brief moment, you’re dreaming. You dream that you’re playing a game… playing… Sburb? Who are you playing it with? You don’t recognize the house you are in. As you exit the house into your land, everything feels… blurry. Like your eyes won’t let you focus on any of the details of this land. It is almost as if your eyes are split trying to see a million different images at once. Then, you begin to fly. Are you god tiered? You don’t recognize your clothes…

BD: Ey.

BD: Ey, kid.

BD: I wanna go home, wake the fuck up.

BD: Sigh.

BD: HEY KID, IT’S YOUR STOP!!

You wake up suddenly. Oh shit, it’s your stop. Welp, shelter has been nice while it lasted. There is still a few buildings here and there, but it is clear that this is no longer the big city. It’s still dark outside. What time is it?

BD: Oh good, you’re finally awake.

BD: It’s about 6AM.

BD: Sun’s probably gonna come up soon.

Huh. Okay. You thank Bus Driver for the ride. He tells you that it wasn’t a bother, he’s happy to help someone who needs it. You tell him to have a good day, and he does the same. Once you are dropped off, you look around you. To one side of you, there is the beginnings of what looks like a small carapacian town, with a post office and a grocery store nearby. On the other side of the road, there is a dense forest. On the horizon of the small town, there is one singular tall tower. At the base of the tower, you suddenly see the sun begin to rise. It hurts a little, but you almost forget to stop looking because of how tame it is in comparison to the Alternian sun.

You debate on which direction to go. The town may have more people who can fill you in on what the hell is going on, but at the same time, you still don’t have anywhere to go? No real goal to work towards… You begin walking down the road, on the border between this town and the forest.

As you walk down the trail, you ponder your goal. You sent yourself here, albeit a different version of yourself, so there must be a reason. Sure, there are some obvious ways that the story you crafted could be better, never mind the story you read… but what specifically are you supposed to do? Now it just seems like you are lost and alone on a planet where you don’t know anybody, instead of a planet where you have friends… Oh, and also this planet isn’t an actual hellscape for the most part. Like, sure, there had to be SOME way BD got his scar, but this planet is pretty peaceful all things considered. Oh, fuck you should have asked him how he got that scar! Fuck, you totally blew it. Well, you suppose if you ever meet him again you can ask.

As you are walking along the sidewalk, you notice how the grass pushes up through the increasingly unkempt concrete. You begin to realize that the forest to your right is getting more and more… tropical. ‘There’s no way,’ you think… but there is a way. Could this be the same jungle where you wrote in the cherub portal? As you continue walking down the path it keeps looking more and more like you imagined in your head while you were writing… Tall trees, early morning light poking through the canopy, vines connecting trees… This could be it, couldn’t it?

You veer right and sprint right into the jungle. You do consider for a moment that dangerous creatures absolutely do in fact live in this, but it only passes through your mind for a second before being overrun with the possibility that you could see your friends again. There it is, a shitty liberty. You must be getting closer. As you run, you begin to notice near some of the liberties are dig sites. They have been excavating theses liberties for quite some time now… When you happen upon an opening in the trees, you see the biggest hole yet. This is it. You think you must be dreaming, but that would be a really dumb way to guide a story. You descend down the dirt steps into the bottom of the hole. At the bottom, you find… nothing. Your heart sinks, but only for a moment when you remember… they must be digging to something? Otherwise, why would they be digging here? Well, you guess they could just dig random places without knowing if they will find anything, but you’re desperate. Desperate for a reason to be here, and desperate for your palls.

You begin scraping at the dirt. As you dig with your hands as fast as you can, dirt begins to get under your nails and sweat begins to bead at your forehead. You want to work quickly, as you could get in trouble if you get caught doing this, but at the same time you have no idea how long it will take. You are about to give up when you accidentally hit a finger against a rock and break your nail. Fuck, that shit hurts… wait… was it a rock? You begin dusting that area with your fingers. That’s metal. Not green metal, but silver. What is this? You begin digging with more purpose, you uncover this… thick sheet of metal… You uncover about 8 inches of it when you notice something else… Something that looks like a busted ass keyboard. Oh, shit. You’re going to need a shovel.

Now, you wouldn’t describe yourself as any sort of kleptomaniac, but you really, really want to fucking steal this. You want it so bad, in fact, you are absolutely sure that you want it more than whoever started digging this hole did. Come on, there has GOT to be a shovel around here somewhere. Why the fuck wouldn’t they leave their shovels here? What are they worried about, someone coming to steal shit? Why the fuck can’t you find a shovel?

You continue to look around, and you notice that in the opposite direction you came from, just beyond the trees, there is a Consort Village. Huh. The skyline doesn’t look much like what you imagined the Consort Kingdom would look like. You always envisioned that the Consort Kingdom had a lot of architecture reminiscent of the Sburban Lands that they came from… but in the distance you don’t see anything of the sort. Instead what you see is just regular… buildings… Oh, wait is this supposed to be Little LoWaS? Didn’t John live in a little town of salamanders? You wonder… You don’t want to intrude on the lives of the gods here too much until you know exactly what you are doing, but this has got to be a priority, right? Plus, if you can’t find John, maybe you could just steal a shovel from one of the salamanders here? Listen, if you are going to steal something anyway there is no reason not to just fucking steal a way to steal more shit.

You burst through the trees and bushes, forcing your way through the branches and leaves. You don’t sprint, as you don’t want to looks suspicious. This is a pretty dumb goal, since you just came out of the jungle into this random ass town with dirt all over you. The buildings around you look like large tubes made into huts. Coming and going from these buildings are little yellow salamander people, having conversations with who you assume are their families, and purchasing various goods from each other.

The whole scene is rather charming. These cute little guys don’t seem to have a care in the world, but they act with such purpose. That one has a little hat on. Is he going to work? What is his job? What will he do? You honestly have no idea why you are so fixated on these wonderful folks, but it may be because… You’re jealous? They have such an easy time just giving themselves something to do, with no need to really think about it. They are completely detached, with no need to introspect at all… Huh, maybe that’s why John lives around so fuckin many of them. Speaking of John…

There’s his house. It looks just like you remember it. You wonder if it would be bad form just to… walk up and knock. You’re sure he wouldn’t mind, he’s a nice guy like that. But what would you even say… ‘Oh, hi John, we were buds in another dimension! Want to come help me pull an artifact out of the dirt so I can take it to the home I don’t have?’ Maybe this is kind of a dumb idea… but you don’t have any other ideas. You take a deep breath, and approach the house. You walk up the path, past the mailbox, and raise your hand to knock.

Salamander: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

What the fuck? Oh, it’s some salamander kid. He’s really small and he has a tiny little baseball cap on. You would be more charmed if he didn’t just curse the hell out of you. You aren’t sure what to say. Do you… Ignore him? You just look at him, lost for what you’re supposed to do in this scenario.

Salamander: We’re you REALLY just about to knock on the door of the GOD of BREATH!?

You tell him, um, yeah. Are you not supposed to do that?

Salamander: WOOOOOOAAAAAH!!! Who ARE you? Do you know The Heir? Are you two FRIENDS!?

You kind of shuffle around awkwardly, looking at the door, then back at the salamander. You are really considering just ditching this conversation and knocking, but that seems like an incredibly rude thing to do. So, you meekly tell the kid, no, you aren’t really friends with him, but you do want to meet him.

Salamander: OH MY GOD THAT IS SO COOL!!!! I’VE ONLY SEEN HIM LIKE 27 TIMES AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!

Twenty-seven seems like a pretty large number for him to be as excited as he is. You briefly consider telling this kid that, but he seems very excited. Regardless of if they are Troll, Human, Carapace, or Salamander, kids being excited about stuff is cute, end of discussion. Wait, can carapaces be kids? You know they can be excited about stuff… god dammit, you REALLY should have questioned BD more. That was such an amazing opportunity to learn and you COMPLETELY squandered it. Although, you suppose this planet DOES have the internet. You could just look it up at a library or something. You wonder if this town has a library… You’re sure it does, what kind of town doesn’t have a library? A town without a library is like a cowboy without a-

Salamander: CAN I COME WITH YOU!?

Oh. Uh. God, you aren’t sure what to say. On one hand, this kid sure is excited, and you aren’t really important enough to say you deserve to meet John more than he does, but on the other hand, it seems like inviting yourself and some random kid into Johns life uninvited is a much worse social misstep than just inviting yourself. Plus, didn’t this kid just say he met John over twenty times? Thankfully, it looks like something is going to attempt to solve your awkward salamander problem.

A distinguished gentleman with circular glasses and a well-groomed mustache comes out of the house, and questions what you and the salamander are doing here. You do not respond.

Salamander: OH SHIT WRONG HOUSE SORRY FUCK

John: (here, come on inside!)

John: (hehehe.)

You do in fact realize that this is not some random distinguished gentleman, but John. He ushers you into the house. The air is stale, like he never remembers to open a window to get fresh air. Dust piles on the counters and shelves. The only thing in the living room that looks recently used is the couch. You think you remember that being where Dave and John had their ‘bro talk’ only a day ago. You ask John why he let you in.

John: oh, an older version of me used his retcon powers to tell me to look out for you, haha.

Ah, well that was very nice of him. You aren’t sure how you would have gotten out of that one without him, so thanks! You wonder out loud to John, what all did old John tell him about you? You hope only good things, you have no idea what kind of shit your fic-self got up to after you stopped writing about them. Shit could have gotten incredibly fucking stupid without you there to keep shit under wraps!!

John: not a whole lot, just that an alternate universe version of his pal would be in the area and I should look out for him.

John: i told him it was all good. i totally wasn’t expecting to have company over three times in two days though, haha.

Oh, well you hope you aren’t being intrusive! It's just that you are kind of homeless, and figuring out what the hell to do from here has been a pain in the ass.

John: oh man, i’m so sorry to hear about that!!

It’s no problem, you tell him, you’re used to it by now. The only hiccup is that the broken-down tower you used to use as shelter is on another planet. That planet also happens to be in another universe. Shit isn’t exactly turning up Reader today. But don’t worry, you can handle it!!

John: wow, that’s really rough. you can stick around here for a little while if you want though.

Part of you wants to assume he is offering his home to you for the night, but out of politeness you assume he is just referring to a bit of today. You tell him you do not want to be a bother, but you appreciate his offer. In fact, you may just take his offer! You ask if there is anywhere to wash off, you are so fucking dirty right now.

John: oh yeah, there’s a bathtub just around to corner over there.

Sweet!! You thank John and head off to the bathroom. There, you quickly wash off. The dirt doesn’t come off easy, but with enough scrubbing the job is done. You probably should have taken your hoodie off, but you DID want to wash it as well? It’s alright though, a wet hoodie isn’t anything a good rubbing with a towel can’t fix! You rub the hoodie for a good long while. It’s still kind of damp, but that’s okay, you will ask to use the washing machine later.

Damp and clean, you exit the bathroom and head to the living room where John sits on the couch. He doesn’t seem to really know what else to do when someone is over at his house other than just sit down and wait for conversations to happen. Well, luckily for him, you don’t know what to do other than force conversations, so you ask him what he has been up to.

John: oh, haha, well i have mostly been… idk, on the internet and re-watching movies. other than today and yesterday, where you are the third person to come and visit, haha.

You can’t tell whether he likes that people are visiting or not.

John: i mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to feel a little less lonely, but I guess i’m less used to it than i used to be?

Well, you have it on good authority his friends miss him, if that changes anything. He could always ask to go hang out with one or more of them!

John: yeah, i’m sure people do, haha. but i’m also pretty sure everyone’s got their own shit to do as well, so i don’t want to get in the way or anything!

Oh man, John is reminding you a lot of yourself right now, and it is REALLY bumming you out. You have got to get this dude to get out there and socialize with his friends ASAP. You declare to yourself that there will not be ONE MORE YEAR of this staying inside and not talking to/seeing anyone shit for John!! You are now dedicated to getting this guy to go see his friends!! But what angle to take it from… Hmmmm…

You ask him, what about Roxy? His eyes go a little wider.

John: what?

John: haha, what about roxy?

Roxy misses you. A lot actually!! You were JUST at her house, so you should know! In fact, Roxy and Callies house is the first place you ended up in Earth C! You think that Roxy would REALLY appreciate it if you went and visited! Or even if you hit them up to hang out somewhere!

John: wow… she told you that?

No, but you do know that and you were in fact just at his house, but you elect not to tell John. Yes! Roxy told you that exactly! This lie is sure to never have any repercussions.

John: well, i guess that’s good to know… but i’m actually kind of scared to go meet her now… what if she doesn’t like me as i am now?

But wasn’t John worried about that with Dave too? You think maybe John may be skewing his perception out of his favor. There’s no way to know until you try.

John is slouched on his couch. He looks around at the dusty steps behind him and takes a deep breath. Suddenly, a slight but very present smile appears on his face. He looks at you, closes his eyes, and takes another deep, deep breath. The breath of someone who is trying to convince themselves of doing something they had silently decided they would never do again.

John: yeah, you’re right.

John: you’re right!!

John: and you know what?

John: i’ll text her.

John: um…

John: do you mind if i do that tomorrow instead?

Oh, yeah, no problem! He doesn’t have to ask your permission; he is literally a god. You think he probably forgets that more often than he should. He still looks tired. He still looks like someone who hasn’t felt alive in quite some time. But there is a hope in his heart that wasn’t there a little while ago. A readiness to get out there and… maybe even fucking DO something, just to see what happens.

John: hey, reader, do you want…

John: a house?

Oh fuck yeah you want a house, is John kidding you!?

John: well, there are some open apartments in the carapacian capital if you wouldn’t mind living there?

You wouldn’t mind that at all!! You do ask John if… he would mind helping you move in?

John: oh, sure i guess. do you even have stuff?

You do in fact have stuff. You have one stuff, and it is currently a dozen feet into the jungle, 90% submerged under the ground.

John: haha, how the fuck did it get there?

Timeline shit, John, it’s always fucking timeline shit!!

John: i guess that makes sense?

John: wow, i thought maybe i grew out of just blindly trusting weird shit!

John: unfortunately, blindly trusting weird shit has only ever proven me right, so fuck it i guess. where’s your stuff again?

You lead him out of the house. He puts on his clever disguise, and you take him to the dig site. He takes note of the busted keyboard, and you request that he helps you dig it out. He briefly mentions not having a shovel before you remind him that he can control the wind. He uses the breeze to unbury this thing, and lo and behold. Four screens, a keyboard, lots of tubes, and a vague house shape. It’s a fucking command station!! John doesn’t know what that is.

You ask John if he can carry it, since you are incredibly frail and this thing is huge.

John: hahaha, what? don’t you have a fetch modus?

You sigh and tell John no; you don’t have a Fetch Modus. You aren’t quite up to date on all the latest fashion. This is an ironic statement, since it looks like John has been alchemizing the next size up of the same T-Shirt for years. John is being really nice right now though, so you won’t call him out on that. He Captchalogues it and you thank him profusely. He grabs you by the hand, and flies you through the jungles and over three or four carapacian towns, all the way back to the capital with those tall buildings, parks, and shops. He leads you to one of the towers and talks to a nice tealblood lady about getting You a room. You are so fucking excited. Your own fucking house!? Finally!! The two of you ascend the staircase and find your room. It is incredibly empty, but you at least have one thing to take up space, and you are sure you will acquire more. John places the command station, and dirt spreads onto the ground. You will have to figure out a way to fucking fix that thing. Again, you thank him.

John: no problem, i’m glad i could help!

John: but no offense, your one possession looks like a piece of shit!

You take a little offense. You like to think your hoodie is nice, but that might just be the sentimental value. John takes a couple looks around the apartment. It’s really nice, other than the dirt. He sighs.

John: hm…

John: i should get you some furniture, shouldn’t i?

You tell John he doesn’t need to worry about you! You have been living without a bed for… holy fuck a bed. Okay wait can he get a bed? Jesus you have missed having a bed. Fuck your life you need a bed more than anything.

John: alright, i’ll fly off and get that for you, one sec!

John opens a window and flies out. One of the walls of the apartment is all windows, giving you a very good view of some parks, as well as the towers that the Lalonde’s live in with their significant others.

You begin to ponder how you are going to decorate your home, and then a million other problems suddenly crash into your mind like a piano being dropped on Wile E. Coyote. You finally got off Alternia, but you aren’t home. Have you given up? Is it official? You feel like you just came to terms with Alternia being your new home. And now… it’s gone. You feel yourself begin to lose balance. You sit on the ground, and try to shift your mind from your problems. You grip Mallek’s hoodie. Okay, you have way too many problems for that to work. Try something else. Well, if you can’t not think about all the horrible things going on in your weird and fucked up life, why not try to think about different problems. Ones that are more recent. Ones that are closer. You just solved a big one, shelter. That’s nice. Go you. Honestly, it has been so long since you could ever consider some place your home that you should be a lot more excited about it than you currently feel. Okay, so what else? A fanfiction you wrote to vent is a real alternate reality. That’s pretty fucked up, huh? You think back to Jade. God, you hope she is okay. You kind of wish you stuck around with Roxy and Callie. He makes a mean bowl of spaghetti.

John comes back. Thank goodness. He has a bed. You thank him, and climb onto the large plain looking queen-sized mattress. You don’t think you are ready to fall asleep, but all that sprinting and digging really did a number on you. That number is exhaustion. You think you are going to take a little nap.

John: hehehe

John: alright buddy, sleep well!

John: man, you look really fucking rough.

John: take care.

John: i guess i’ll go um

John: sit at my house?

John: hmmm

He takes a good long look at Roxy and Callie’s tower.

John: i’ll hit her up tomorrow…

John: because if i don’t then i will have lied to this poor small… carapace?

John: this poor guy!

John: yeah, that wouldn’t be a good thing, i’m sure.

John: anyway, bye reader, have a good midday sleep!

A week has passed. It has been difficult reconditioning yourself to this new environment, but it has slowly become the new normal. You have a chair now. A whole week on this planet and all you have is a bed, a chair, and this huge hunk of metal you haven’t quite started reconstructing. Worse, despite talking to a few people, you haven’t quite made any friends. You haven’t really left the house, so maybe that’s why. Listen, back on Alternia you need to keep yourself safe, and now that you have a safe home, it’s really hard to convince yourself to leave. Not that you acted all that safely when you were on Alternia? Okay, maybe you are just making excuses for yourself. You look out the window. It’s a sunny day with a light wind. It’s about time you took a walk outside.

Saying you haven’t left the house at all is a bit of a stretch. You put your keys in your hoodie pocket. You have actually been doing a little job hunting to see if you can get some boonies for, oh you know, something other than a chair. You walk down the steps into the lobby. You’ve seen a few coffee shops that are looking for new employees, but you have a hard time selling your usefulness to yourself, so you haven’t bothered to try and clumsily convince your would-be boss that you deserve to, not only stick around, but get paid to do so.

The lobby is a deep, comforting purple, with golden accents, emitting light. The carpet, however, is a deep red. You nod at the Tealblood, who’s name you have learned is Teskar. You tried calling her “Tessy” once, and she wasn’t that into it. There’s a group of rowdy Humans and Carapaces gathering up some shared funds to pay for an apartment. You hope they aren’t going to move in above you. You exit into the streets of the city, and begin walking along a path.

The path leads to the large park that sits in between your apartment complex and the towers that the gods live in. You live rather close to them, but you don’t see them around a lot. This must be because you never leave the house, because the second you say that in your head you run into one of them. Oh, holy fuck you just literally walked face first into Rose Lalonde. Jesus, great first impression. You stumble over backwards. As you begin to gather yourself you begin apologizing. God damn are you really fucking this up so bad first try? You begin to lose confidence when you recall none of your friend gathering expertise was actually yours to begin with. To your surprise, Ms. Lalonde and her wife do not seem terribly upset with you. They don’t even seem bothered at all, actually.

Rose: Oh, hello there.

Kanaya: You Must Be The One John Told Us About

Kanaya: He Was Right About Your Appearance

Oh damn, you hope John wasn’t shit talking you.

Kanaya: You Are Just Peculiar Thats All

Kanaya: Not A Carapacian

Well at least it’s easy to figure out what you aren’t. You may be able to form some sort of identity based on process of elimination.

Rose: There’s no need to worry on that front. Welcome to the neighborhood, Reader.

You thank them. With that, they are off. The two of them follow along the pathway in the opposite direction you were going. You are about to continue down the brick road when you notice them. Three Gods sitting under a tree, having a picnic. OH FUCK NO. You begin sprinting over to a tree that is far enough away they probably wont notice you hiding behind it, and try to listen. It’s too windy, dammit. You lean over and peak around the tree. Okay, thank fuck, looks like there isn’t any meat or candy, other than a small portion meant for Callie. And, just as you suspected, it’s Callie, Roxy, and John. Well, you guess he wasn’t bullshitting when he said he would catch up with them sooner in this time line. You mean timeline. 

Roxy taps John on the shoulder. They are laughing… Callie looks distracted… are John and Roxy… Flirting? Oh shit, nice John! Okay you HAVE to get closer. There is a bush that’s about 10 feet out, but there’s no way you are getting that close without getting caught… You briefly consider respecting their privacy. Haha, yeah right. You sprint towards the bush and dive in.

You are nestled securely within the bush. Fuck yes. You listen in.

Roxy: o haha yeah…

Roxy: you kno janey, shes a little quirky :/

Oh fuck, what are they talking about? You wish you had context for any of this. Oh fuck a bus passes by. You don’t hear anything for a solid minute and a half.

John: i don’t really think about that stuff too much?

John: i mean i guess it’s kind of weird?

John: but it’s not like im uncomfortable like… how we are…

John: i guess it kind of snuck up on me!

Wait, what snuck up on you? Fuck, you jostle slightly to try and get your ears closer.

Roxy: i rly appreciate you talkin to me abt this stuff john

Roxy: yknow

Roxy: gotta communicate when ur tryin to figure out somethin like this

Waaaaaaait what the fuuuuuuck? What is happening? Are they dating already? Are they…. talking about the idea of dating? You need answers so bad god dammit!!

Calliope: that is very trUe… personally, i jUst feel-

Calliope: oh dear!

Calliope: who… who’s lower body is that?

Roxy: o shit is somebody stuck?

Calliope: look at that bUsh over there :U

Roxy: omg their whole ass is just out

Oh god dammit. Apparently only your head is hidden. You tear out of there, taking most of the bush with you. That’s fine, nothing wrong with some sticks and leaves to complete the look! You fucking gun it to your house.

Y’know, all things considered, this walk could have gone worse. You don’t check behind you, just in case they haven’t recognized you yet. Your getup is fairly distinct, but you would rather not risk it. A carapacian woman with a cradle looks at you like you are the weirdest thing she has seen all year. You mean, that’s fair, it’s only April. When you get to your apartment, you slow down and try to act natural, but you are panting heavily. You return to your room and faceplant onto your bed.

You slip into a pattern. The pattern is as follows: You wake up at 12 PM, you stay on your palmhusk until 3:30, Convince yourself to go get breakfast at around 4:13, try to convince yourself to do something or try to make some friends and then ultimately fail, returning to sitting at your bed at 5. You have been tinkering with your machine, but you can’t spend too much time on that without getting exhausted and bored.

You used to love making friends. Part of you still does, but… it feels like an impossible task these days. The worst part is, the people in your life now that you KNOW feel like… untouchable celebrities. Literal Gods can’t possibly have the time or the patience for someone like you. But they are the only ones on this planet you have any connection to…

You have considered going to a support group. You’ve done some research, but you aren’t sure which ones are most apt for what you are going through. Post-traumatic stress is one thing, but the experience of leaving your planet behind never to see it again is something fairly unique. You aren’t sure if it matters. You aren’t sure if you are making excuses or not.

Perhaps you should just treat people normally. You know the lore better than anyone, these people were just kids not to long ago… Perhaps putting these people on a pedestal is… selfish? You say this as they live in giant temple like towers. Well, John lives in a house. So do Dave and Karkat. But acting like they haven’t put themselves on pedestals is a little silly.

Days turn to weeks. This isn’t right. You don’t want to live like this. You want to take care of yourself. You want to buy a fucking fridge. You pull yourself out of bed. Okay, you’re doing this. You are going out. To buy a fridge? It’s as good an excuse as any. You peer out your window, over at the towers… Perhaps you just need to take the next step. The next action that will really help you connect with your fellow man… Perhaps the best way to find out things is to ask. You do the most daring thing a Homestuck Reader can do. You go outside.

Outside it’s a cold and windy day. You didn’t know Earth C could get windy. You didn’t know it was possible for there to be bad weather on this planet at all, really. You suppose good and bad weather is relative. The rain can be quite nice sometimes, and other times it can burn your skin and rot your flesh to the bone. You warm your hands in your hoodie pocket. You walk on the concrete path that goes through the park on the way to the two towers. You have no idea what you are going to say once you get there. You just feel like if you don’t now, you will never be able to convince yourself it’s a good idea.

You arrive. After knocking on the front door of Roxy and Callies tower, you wait. You pull your hood shut. After about a minute, the door is opened and you are ushered inside.

Roxy: omg hey!

Roxy: its u!

It’s you.

Roxy: where tha fuck u been? Heard john gave u a place near here then u kinda disappeared?

Roxy: cmon lets head upstairs

Roxy: getchu smth warm its shitty out there

Roxy leads you up the spiral staircase. They are wearing grey leggings with their iconic mutant cat tee-shirt. As the two of you ascend, you explain that, yes you still exist, and yes you are still neighbors. You have just been having a hard time convincing yourself that leaving the apartment is a worthwhile investment. Kind of hard to convince yourself to do anything when the foundation of what you thought your life was going to be got shifted so dramatically so many times in such a short period of time. Hm, maybe you are laying on your depression kind of thick. You don’t want Roxy to think you are fishing for pity, but at the same time, shit kinda sucks!

Roxy: i getchu

Roxy: john was feelin that shit pretty hard recently

Roxy: luckily hes been getting out of the house with callie and i every now and then :)

Oh, has he? You are so curious what her relationship status with Egbert is, but you don’t want to come off as nosey.

Roxy: its they nowadays

Roxy: lol

You will keep that in mind.

The two of you enter the living room. On the couch, you see Callie, as expected, but to your slight surprise, you also see John. John and Callie both look tired, the two of them wearing hoodies and pajamas. This is probably the most casual you have ever seen Callie dress! You aren’t quite sure if it’s late or if they were up late last night. Time has been getting away from you as of late. You are far too embarrassed to ask what time it is, so you just wave, and the two of them wave lazily back, John closes his eyes.

Calliope: oh hello there! it has been qUite some time now hasn’t it?

Yeah, it really has been. Seeing John here makes you wonder… How different is this timeline from the one you created? Are John and Callie going to start dating Roxy again? Have they already? And if this is the same… what else will be? And more importantly, to what extent can you effect it? To what extent can you change things, or are you just doomed to know just how horrible things can go?

That isn’t fair, is it? Bad things happen, don’t they? That’s just how life is. That changes, however, when there is an artificer. An author, who is responsible. If an author is responsible for the reality to create, what is that responsibility? To teach lessons, but be kind in the end, or to give that world realism? Or is it just to make a point? Why did you write anything at all?

Roxy: um

John: hey, are they alright?

Roxy: no idea hold up

Roxy: YO READER

Roxy: YOU GOOD???

Oh, fuck, how long have you been staring off into space like that? Dammit, this habit you’ve made of rambling metatextual internal monologues has got to stop. At the very least, you need to tone it down a bit. Why did you come here again? Oh yeah, talking to people. Fuck.

You tell Calliope and John that it is nice to see them again.

John: how has the new place been?

It’s been alright. You have just been staying in it a bit too long recently. Getting some of that not-from-this-reality blues. John and Roxy look at each other and grimace. Wait, is that a sore subject? Shit, are they from a different universe or something? Fuck, you don’t remember what happened in Homestuck, there was just so fucking much of it!

Roxy leads you to a chair and sits down. They look at you with an expression that fills your soul with emotion. Maybe filling is the wrong verb. It’s more like it sucks all the apathy away, leaving only the emotions you have been long neglecting. Sadness, kindness, understanding… none of this was portrayed on those armless sprites, at least not to this depth. This isn’t just a comic anymore, is it? at least it isn’t to you. You can’t just use your knowledge of Homestuck to meta-game your way into a friendship with these people. You want to focus on talking with these three. They probably understand you better then anyone else on this planet, but can you understand them?

You do talk to them, but you have a hard time focusing. They offer you food, and you take some. You small talk, discussing things around the carapace kingdom to do for fun, as well as recent Earth C developments. You want to bond with them, and maybe you will, but first you need to get some things figured out inside your spherical head. After a hearty meal and a minor panic attack at seeing John eye Callies bowl of candy, you say goodnight to the sburban survivors and head home.

On your way back home, you see Earth C. Obviously not all of Earth C. You see a park in a city in a kingdom on Earth C. The significant word is See. You actually see it. The amount of narrative fuckery in your life has made it hard to tell if you ever really are anywhere, or if you ever really exist. But right now, you can tell… You’re here. Not only are you here, but You are the person who is here. It’s You. The word “You” pervades your entire existence, but this sense of “You-ness” has eluded you until now. It feels amazing and incredibly out of place at the same time.

Perhaps things will be different this time, now that you aren’t the one in control. The one thing that is certain, is that this time You will be different. It starts with that machine. So you get to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! That was a long one, wasn't it? Future chapters probably won't be that long, but they will continue to be longer than chapters 1-40. This story is diverging heavily from the first half, and I am considering also posting Act 5 separately in addition to adding new chapters to this fic. What do you think? Let me know in the comments if it matters! And if it doesn't, ill just do something? and it won't matter? Cool! Thank you for your patience, I'm hoping to get a good schedule going. Maybe a little less than a chapter a month? No promises, life is wack!


	46. Act 5, Chapter 2: Call Me

There it is. You have done it. After six long months of work, you have completed it. In front of you a tall house shaped machine stands, refurbished. You will admit, a lot of those six months were spent being depressed, and an even greater amount of that time was spent trying to teach yourself how to be a mechanic without destroying something, but in the end you have done it. Well, almost. You have yet to turn it on. Welp, no time like the present. Fearful, you take the plug towards the outlet on the wall and, before you can convince yourself not to, you plug it in.

You anticipate something dramatic like a power outage or something else appropriate for a huge device that needs a lot of power, but all that happens is the sound of a whirring machine. The whirring isn’t even any worse than a typical computer. You take a look, and on the bottom right you see a green blinking cursor on a black screen. You’ve done it. You think Mallek would be proud.

You survey your surroundings. It has been six months since a middle-aged John Egbert zapped you from Felt Manor to Earth C. In that time you have accrued a bed, a chair, a table, and some knickknacks that sit on a shelf by the door. Your house is bland and white, just like your orb of a head. At least you did a good job of cleaning out the dirt from your mechanics hobby. Is this a hobby? Can something be considered a hobby if it is pretty much all you have been doing for multiple months? You prefer the word “hobby” to the word “obsession”, so you stick with calling it your hobby.

You don’t know why you have been so obsessed with constructing this thing. You suppose it could be because it’s your only lead… but your only lead to what? What is the mystery you are trying to solve? It could be that this is the best way to widen your scope of knowledge of your reality by way of observation, but what do you need knowledge for anyway? What was it all for?

You in no way wish to use the command station to issue commands. Not anymore. You felt what it was like to be the one in control, and if you are being frank, you would like to just allow this reality to guide itself. No, you would much prefer just to be able to see. This time spent trying to figure out your own motivations is really starting to mentally tire you out. Maybe it isn’t complicated, maybe you are just curious what the fuck is going on in this reality!

You have no point of reference for what the hell is going on anymore, so there is no harm in doing a little investigating. There, you did it. You have justified your weird voyeuristic tendencies, once and for all. Now, which of your acquaintances whose lives you have complete encyclopedic knowledge of should your spy on first? You need to test this thing out.

You know who. It has to be Jade, right? You fear for her well being about as much as your own, and since you landed in the middle of her nice meal with Roxy and Callie, you haven’t seen or heard from her. So, you type in some coordinates into the machine and, after fixing a few syntax errors, you see inside their house.

Dave and Karkat sit on the right-hand side of the couch, Dave on the arm and Karkat in the middle, and Jade takes up the other half of the couch, laying sideways across the left portion of the couch. You can’t tell what they are wearing, as they are all under blankets, but what you can tell is that they just got back from outside. You see three coats and jackets scattered across the floor in front of them, all appropriately warm for the fall weather. Two long trench coats, one brown and one black, and… what is that? It looks like just a thicker version of Karkat’s sweaters. This guy has no style variety. If Karkat was the only troll you had ever met, you surely would assume that trolls don’t care for fashion at all.

You can’t tell what movie they are watching, but it looks like two iguanas are embracing each other tenderly.

Karkat: …

Karkat: DAVE?

Karkat: ARE YOU… ARE YOU CRYING?

Dave: man stfu

Jade: its okay dave, the story is very sweet!

Dave: they just

Dave: they love each other so fucking much

Karkat: OKAY, WHAT? THIS IS THE PLAINEST ROM COM I HAVE EVER SEEN!!

Karkat: AND I HAVE SEEN A *LOT* OF HUMAN ROMANTIC COMEDIES, SO THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING!

Jade: karkat, dont be a dick! this is a very touching movie!

Dave: yeah man

Dave: if a guy cant sob his eyes out to a couple of slobbery reptiles then what the fuck can he do

Jade: okay dave, im going to have to stop you there. only the salamanders to the spit bubble thing!!

Jade: you are dangerously close to being offensive :p

Dave: whos side are you on harley

Jade: mine, duh!!

Jade stands up. She’s wearing a beige dress with a belt around the middle. The belt is currently loose. She walks over to the kitchen to grab an apple juice. For the sake of easy call backs, they always keep the fridge well stocked with apple juice. You never know when you might need to make a reference to your childhood memes. The fridge is of course well stocked with all kinds of other things, like eggs, fruits, and leftover grub loaf.

Jade looks over at Dave and Karkat. The vacancy she made on the left side of the couch remains unfilled. It could be just so that Jade can have her seat back, but the two boys remain conspicuously close. She raises an eyebrow and smiles.

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?

Jade: hey do you guys want pizza tonight?

Karkat: DON’T FUCKING IGNORE ME!!!!

Dave: pizza sounds alright

Dave: hey karkat what do you think

Dave: you good with some good ol fucking za

Dave: down to slam some italian sausage

Dave: i mean

Dave: um

Karkat: I WILL NOT LET YOUR INNUENDO DISTRACT ME, STRIDER.

Jade: hey karkat

Karkat: HM?

Jade: shut the fuck up

Jade: ;P

Karkat pouts. Jade puts a pizza in the oven.

Karkat: PIZZA SOUNDS GOOD.

Dave: hell yes

Dave: im so ready for that shit

Dave: im fucking famished over here

Dave: been trekking through the desert for weeks

Dave: feels like years

Dave: and finally i see it

Dave: it has to be a mirage its too good to be true

Dave: but no

Dave: right in front of me lies an oasis of bread and cheese

Dave: i dive into a pool of sauce only to find myself drawn in deeper into the depths of this pizza relm

Dave: it envelops me

Dave: i am become pizza

Dave: its me

Dave: sooner or later ill get topped-

Jade spits out her apple juice, laughing.

Dave: hey no I wasnt done

Karkat: OH MY GOD.

Dave: i meant like

Dave: with pepperoni or some shit

Dave: or god forbid pineapple

Jade attempts to calm her giggling long enough to form a sentence.

Jade: pineapple isnt really THAT bad

Karkat: PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA IS FUCKING HORRIFIC

Karkat: IT’S LITERALLY ACIDIC, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW PANSY ASS HUMANS EVEN CAME UP WITH IT.

Karkat: DO YOU FUCKERS HAVE A DEATH WISH?

Dave: okay listen

Dave: i swear to god i am all multicultural and whatnot

Dave: and i say this as sensitively as possible

Dave: you actually top your pizza with insects

Karkat: OKAY DAVE, WELL IN THAT CASE, SINCE YOU ARE BEING *SO SENSITIVE* TO OTHER PEOPLES BACKGROUNDS, WHY DON’T YOU ALLOW JADE HER PINEAPPLE?

Dave: …

Dave: see thats different

Karkat: HAH! I FUCKING CAUGHT YOU IN YOUR HYPOCRISY!

Dave: no its totally different

Dave: jade and i come from like

Dave: the same place

Jade: hehehe, okay no i have to side with karkat here

Jade: we were not raised the same culturally at ALL

Jade: honestly i have about as much in common with you as i do with karkat

Jade: also, i dont even like pineapple on pizza that much, im just not nearly as fucking whiney about it as you guys are

Karkat: I RESERVE MY RIGHT TO SAY THAT PUTTING ACIDIC FAUNA ON YOUR FOOD IS A DEATH WISH.

Jade: and i trust you will practice that right until you talk so much you pass out.

Karkat: JADE, YOU KNOW I WOULD GET DISTRACTED BEFORE THEN, DON’T MISREPRESENT ME.

Jade: hehehe, alright, thats fair

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Jade: :)

Jade comes back to the couch after her pizza is handled. She sits upright on the couch to the far left and tucks her legs under the blanket. Karkat scoots towards Jade to fill the gap. She smiles. There’s something you didn’t expect in her expression… More accurately, there isn’t something that you did expect. Pining. She doesn’t look longingly, she doesn’t stare into their eyes and hope for a time that will never happen, she just… is enjoying herself. Maybe she just isn’t right now, or maybe she’s good at hiding it, but you worry… maybe you projected desperation onto her? Maybe she’s doing just fine… and it’s YOU who has a hole in their soul…

You think you need to switch to another subject.

You type in some commands, fiddling with syntax until your screen changes perspectives. Before you appears the image of a familiar living room. The one you appeared in six months ago. In it, John and Roxy seem to be cuddling on the couch. John doesn’t look very used to this. Callie is scrubbing some dishes when Roxy beckons them over. They blush, sitting next to Roxy and holding their hand. It looks like some weird sitcom is on the television. Eight trolls with complicated quadrant situations trying to live in an apartment in the middle of the Human Kingdom city. Truly this premise has a high potential for shenanigans.

Soon, Callie starts picking up their things. Roxy kisses them on the cheek, and they head out the door. Oh shoot, you wish you payed more attention to what they were saying… It seems like they are shifting well into dating life! Good for them you think. Unfortunately, this scene is pretty boring. if you wanted to watch this show you could probably just get a TV instead of spying on people watching it. Surely switching perspectives back to Dave, Jade, and Karkat couldn’t hurt?

Hm. It looks like the movie they were watching ended. Karkat and Jade sit on the couch, both of them leaning against the arms of said couch. From the lack of Dave and the sound of running water, you assume Dave is taking a shower.

Karkat: YOU KNOW WHAT JADE… I THINK…

Karkat: MAYBE I WAS OVER REACTING?

Karkat: IN HINDSIGHT THAT MOVIE WAS OKAY.

Jade: really? that didnt take long. give me your expert movie analysis

Karkat: OKAY FIRST OFF YOU DON’T NEED TO BE CONDESCENDING.

Jade: i wasnt!

Karkat: OH, OKAY. SORRY.

Karkat: SECCOND, I THINK THE SIMPLICITY WORKS IN FAVOR OF THE FILMS THEMES.

Jade: oh really? and how is that

Karkat: ARE YOU SURE YOU ARENT BEING CONDESCENDING? IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE MAYBE YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE FUCKING CONDESCENDING.

Jade: im just messing with you karkat :P go on

Karkat: NO, NO IF YOU THINK IM BEING TOO BORING BY ALL MEANS FUCKING TELL ME SO!!

Jade: karkat! tell me about this movies fucking themes!!

Karkat: FINE.

Karkat: AS I WAS SAYING, THE LACK OF A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO PROTAGONISTS LENDS ITSELF WELL TO EXPLORING THE DETAILS OF THEIR LIVES.

Karkat: IT’S NOT A QUESTION OF *IF* THEY ARE COMPATABLE AND LOVE EACHOTHER, IT’S A QUESTION OF IF IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO PERSUE IT AT ALL.

Karkat: I’M NOT SURE IF I AGREE WITH IT’S CONCLUSION STILL, BUT MY EARLIER COMPLAINT ABOUT IT BEING SIMPLE ISN’T EXACTLY FAIR.

Karkat: IF IT WAS ANY MORE COMPLICATED IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TAKEN MORE AWAY FROM THE MOVIE THEN IT WOULD HAVE ADDED. 

Jade: i agree!!

Jade: not everything has to be 14 layers of quadrants deep, sometimes characters just love each other, and that’s nice!

Karkat: YEAH…

Karkat looks at Jade. Jade looks at Karkat. The two of them are acting like they are having a secret conversation in their brains. Little do they know the conversations they are having are very different.

Jade yawns.

Jade: i think im gonna go for a walk

Karkat: WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Jade: none of your business!!

Karkat: FUCK, ALRIGHT. ARE YOU GOING TO BE BACK?

Jade: maybe later. theres a joint i like to go to that is having an open mic night and i want to see whos preforming.

Karkat: I THOUGHT IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS?

Jade: it isnt! im just nice like that!

She picks up her jacket and walks toward the door. She looks at Karkat, and sees him glance towards the bathroom where his best friend is currently taking a shower. Something about the look makes Karkat sweat. He attempts to distract himself with his palmhusk. It seems like maybe they had a conversation that you were not privy to. One that changed something.

Jade is holding the door open, one foot outside. She looks over her shoulder at Karkat, on the couch, futzing with his palmhusk. His brows are furrowed, focusing on whatever social media is annoying him at the moment, until he notices Jades soft expression pointed towards him. His eyes get wider, and he looks behind him to see if this heartfelt expression is really meant for him. He looks around as if to say, “who, me?” Jade smiles.

Jade: you should tell him

OOOOOOOOOH SHIT IT’S HAPPENING!!!! Jade closes the door and Karkat sits there, eyes wide, looking like he is trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in his head. This is it. This is the moment. You have seen it countless times, in countless lifetimes, in countless timelines. No matter how many times you see it, you never get tired of it.

After a few minutes, Dave comes out of the bathroom, hair slightly damp. Karkat gazes Strider-ward. It is unmistakable. This is the moment where Dave and Karkat realize that their feelings have culminated into something that they can no longer run away from. You don’t care if this is the fourth time this moment has been depicted, you don’t care if it’s the hundredth. You are so fucking ready for this.

You hear a knock on your front door. Oh, fuck no not now, they are so close. You are sure that in a few moments they are going to confess their undying love for each other. Any minute now.

Karkat: HEeY DAVE-

Karkats voice cracks. He coughs.

Dave: dude you good

Dave: sounds like one of those fuckers from alvin and the chipmunks just jumped down your throat

Dave: actually that reference sucked give me another shot

Dave: dude you good

Dave: you sound like past karkat came back for revenge

Dave: hm

Dave: maybe the alvin and the chipmunks reference could work

Dave: need to workshop it though

Oh god dammit who are you kidding. This shit could last all night, and this fucker just keeps on knocking over and over. They are incredibly stubborn. Can’t they tell you are trying to spy on celebrities over here? Jesus Christ.

Karkat yells at Dave, then laughs, then Dave sits next to him on the couch. This position is incredibly familiar, but Dave can sense something is going through Karkat’s head. If Dave’s being honest with himself, which happens rarely, something has been going though his head as well. It isn’t easy breaking out of heteronormativity, but through their care for each other it becomes clear that there is something more important than that now. Now that they think of it, it’s hard to think of anything less important. They are closer than usual, and after a few minutes of silence, it’s broken by KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

FUCK. Fine, fine, you will open the door. You turn away from the monitor. You will get back to this as soon as possible. If you can just shoo away this guest as soon as possible, then hopefully you won’t miss anything important. You open the door.

Calliope: hello there neighboUr!

Oh! Hello Callie, you say. It’s nice to see you! What brings them to your apartment?

Calliope: not a whole lot, i just thoUght, since it has been a while since yoU have stopped by, i woUld say hello and offer yoU a hoUse warming gift!

Well that is quite nice of them! As they can see, your house is quite barren when it comes to furniture of any sort.

Calliope: yes, qUite! althoUgh… is that a command terminal? how on earth c did you get yoUr hands on that?

You suddenly remember the command terminal. Fuck, you can’t let them see that you were spying on their friends. You quickly tap any button you can find, and it switches to a different perspective.

Calliope: oh, is that rose and kanaya’s home?

Fuck. You’ve been caught red handed. You tell them, yes, this is your mutual neighbors towerhouse.

Calliope: oh, how fascinating! it seems like yoU have happened Upon a command terminal!

That you have. You tell them that you have been hard at work repairing it for the past six months. Callie walks up to the terminal and examines it.

Calliope: well, one thing is for sUre, yoU have done an amazing job!

You thank them.

Calliope: i am very cUrioUs to test it… perhaps i coUld give rose a call and ask if… this would be a bad time?

You’re in luck! It seems like Callie has as much of a morbid wish to spy on your peer’s activities as you do! They pull their phone out of a jacket pocket and begin calling.

Calliope: hello rose!

Calliope: yes, i am doing qUite well, how aboUt yoUrself?

Calliope: that’s splendid! i have an… odd qUestion.

Calliope: no, not at all!

Calliope: mhm

Calliope: hehehe, yes indeed 0u0

Calliope: of coUrse, sorry!

Calliope: if yoU don’t mind my asking… are yoU in any way doing something… embarrassing at the moment?

Calliope: oh no, it’s just…

Calliope: Um.

Calliope: i may be in a sitUation where

Calliope: a sudden intrUsion may be necessary?

Calliope: no no, im not in any danger at all! im afraid… I can’t really tell yoU the natUre of this… issUe?

Calliope: oh no, of course, i Understand.

Calliope: best case scenario it won’t be a problem at all!

Calliope: yes, I’ll call yoU if it is not necessary. i woUld hate for yoU two to be waiting for me!

Calliope: … thank yoU! goodbye!

Callie hangs up the phone.

Calliope: whew! well, that coUld have gone worse!

Could it? Callie assures you that yes, it could. You allow them access to the controls. They zoom in to Kanaya and Roses living room, where Kanaya is measuring Roses waist.

Kanaya: So What Was That About

Rose: Oh, Callie just called to inform us to be ready for a potential visit that may or may not happen and may or may not be an emergency that they cannot tell us about.

Kanaya: Wow

Kanaya: That Sounds

Kanaya: Incredibly Suspicious

Kanaya: Doesnt It

Kanaya: I Wonder If They Are In Need Of Help

Rose: Perhaps.

Rose: More likely is that we are merely going to be spied on, and they were merely making sure neither of us was in a compromising position before doing so.

Kanaya: Why Would They Be Careful About Our Privacy If Their Intention Is To Spy On Us

Rose: They are just polite like that, I think.

Kanaya chuckles. You and Callie look at each other and exchange expressions that seem to say, “welp, fuck”.

Kanaya: They Are

Kanaya: I Think If They Were To Spy On Someone That Is Probably How They Would Go About It

Rose: Our speculation about our mutual friend’s voyeuristic tendencies are probably unnecessary.

Kanaya: Fair

Kanaya: What Were You Saying Before You Were Interrupted By The Call

Rose: I believe we were about to exchange embarrassing stories about our childhoods. Perfect for blackmailing purposes if they fell into the wrong hands.

Kanaya: Hm

Kanaya: Perhaps Then We Should Shy Away From The Subject

Rose: I’m fucking with you, Kanaya. I’m sure it will be fine.

Kanaya: Alright Well If You Are So Confident Then Why Dont You Go First

Rose: Fair enough.

Rose: To answer your previous question, yes, I did have a crush before the game. Although I treated the whole situation with very little grace.

Kanaya: I Think My Romantic Situation Was Very Much The Same At The Time Actually

Rose: Really?

Kanaya: Yes Well

You begin to feel kind of shitty. You look towards Callie and gesture towards the screen. Should you… stop? This feels kind of messed up all the sudden.

Calliope: hmm… perhaps we shoUld switch oUr view, this seems like qUite an intimate moment. i’ll send the two of them a message that they need not be ready for me… not to mention an apology for the bother…

You agree. You cancel the last command you input, bringing you to a blank screen.

Calliope: it’s still quite exciting that you have this! how did you get your hands on it?

You plundered it from a dig sight!

Calliope: how intrigUing! coUld we maybe see another scene?

You tap into a scene at random. It looks to be Jakes mansion, decked out with robot corpses mounted on the walls. This man sure does like to keep a lot of random shit in his house. So much so it seems to be consistent across all timelines. The house is huge, but the only occupied room seems to be a small side room meant to be used for various creative projects. In this room Jake and Dirk are on opposite sides, doing… something? Jake seems to be reading a script, he’s dressed like he’s planning on going out, or has already gone out and has just neglected to take off the dark green suit or white bowtie. Meanwhile, Dirk is not dressed for the same occasion, he looks like he’s in work clothes, shorts and a tank top. The evidence of some sort of engineering work can be found, but it has since been abandoned in favor of laying down on an antique couch and texting.

Now… you are kind of nervous giving narrative attention to Dirk… but it couldn’t hurt to perhaps… peek at his texts? You’re sure this won’t have any consequences.

GG: I assure you; it isn’t anything to be worried about!

TT: Jane, if I were to believe you actually think that is true, then why are you texting me about my isolation issues?

TT: I appreciate the concern Jane, I really do, but I’m in no worse condition than you, I promise.

GG: If that’s the case…

GG: Well then, why don’t we help each other? Will you at least heed my advice if I allow you to give me some? Although I am really quite sure I am alright. :B

TT: Actually, that sounds alright.

TT: Hit me with your wisdom Jane. Or would you prefer I go first?

GG: I would not prefer that at all if I’m to be matter-of-fact!

TT: Alright then. I’ll take a brief break from advising you in favor of being advised.

GG: You don’t advise me all that much. :P

GG: At least, you don’t advise me any more than is usual for a good friend!

TT: So, what portion of my life needs your delicate fixing, doc?

TT: Will it be my love life? The quality of my TV show?

GG: If I’m being honest, I don’t think I’m equipped to help with either of those…

GG: Your love life isn’t exactly… what I’m used to?

GG: If I were you, I would seek Roxy’s help with that... They seem to know exactly what they're doing.

GG: Plus, they're from the future! They know all the future lingo for your… future relationships!

GG: Sometimes I feel like they're speaking another language… Demisexual, Panromantic, Queerplatonic, Polycule… It all might as well be science fiction to me!

TT: Right. You know, most if not all of those words existed during your time.

GG: Strider, I was told what “Lesbian” meant when I was 15. Until then I thought it was a woman with big muscles!

TT: I mean it can be.

GG: I’m serious Dirk, it was embarrassing!

TT: Well I think it wouldn’t hurt to maybe look into the terminology. You’re smart Jane, I think it would mean a lot to Roxy and Callie if you put more effort into understanding.

GG: I know, I just…

GG: Hey!! You said I’m going first!!

TT: Right, sorry, take back everything I said.

GG: Good! Now, I’m worried about you Dirk… It seems like the only person you have been around for months is Jake, and… Well, I’m not sure about the specifics of how you two operate, but I know there are a lot of emotions there… And I guess I’m just worried you might not be giving yourself the care you need?

TT: I am operating just fine, but thank you for asking.

TT: Things between Jake and I are strictly professional.

GG: Right…

TT: What’s that supposed to mean?

GG: :| No comment.

GG: I think you need to get out and see your friends more is all…

TT: Are you asking to hang out?

GG: No, but if you would like to, I would love to have you over.

GG: Actually, It might be nicer to talk in person!

TT: That’s not a bad idea. I’ll head over in a few.

GG: Alright, tell Jake I said hello.

TT: Will do.

Your reading gets interrupted by Callie.

Calliope: hmm yes very interesting. yoU didn’t happen to be reading their conversation, were yoU?

Certainly not. Were they?

Calliope: me neither!

Good!

Calliope: good!

…

Calliope: …

Anyway, you said you have a house warming gift? Not that you are rushing them, you are just incredibly thirsty for something to have in your house.

Calliope: oh yes! I brought you a small plant!

It’s a cactus!

Calliope: indeed, it is! taking care of something can feel nice, and lUckily this particUlar cactUs is not very high maintenance.

That’s good, historically you have about a 50/50 chance of fucking shit up irreparably whenever you make a decision.

Callie sets your new cactus next to a window. She sighs.

Calliope: apologies about earlier.

Calliope: two seconds earlier i mean… i slipped into a bit of a bad habit I sUppose, haha.

A bad habit? Do they mean the thing with the command terminal?

Calliope: you see… I used to be very alone…

Relatable.

Calliope: and when i found out aboUt the people who played sbUrb before me… i acted more like a fan of them… even the ones i knew personally and considered my friends…

Calliope: i think i always felt like there woUld be something separating me from them… and i think that may be becaUse I only ever read aboUt them or saw them throUgh screens. i processed them more like characters than i did as people.

Callie looks wistfully out the window in the direction of their shared home with Roxy and John.

Calliope: bUt i dont have to do that anymore. and… well…

Calliope: when i found out yoU read about oUr adventures in the form of a comic… i related to that a lot I suppose?

Calliope: and i wanted to tell yoU that even if it is strange to get Used to, yoU don’t have to consider yoUrself an oUtsider anymore.

You take a moment to ponder what Callie said. You thank them.

Calliope: of coUrse! thank you for letting me get that off my chest, hehe.

Calliope: now, i really mUst get back to my home, my partner and john are recording one of my favorite shows for me! toodles!

And with that, they head out the door.

You stand in the silence for a moment. It’s midnight. Despite what Callie said, your curiosity gets the best of you. You type a command into the terminal.

Jade walks into Dave and Karkat’s house. She comes home to see Dave in tears, and Karkat on the verge of them. She is almost worried until she sees them smile and hears Dave’s laugh. She smiles. They did it. They made it happen.

Seems like this time you didn’t get to see Dave and Karkat finally admit their feelings for each other. You don’t think you care all that much honestly. At least you exist in a timeline where they did at all.

Jade cries. Not because there is a bitterness in her heart over this, no. They are tears of joy, and tears of seeing two people you love finally grasp their love for each other. They are tears of compersion. She walks up to the couch and hugs them. Dave and Karkat hold each other’s hands. The two of them proceed to tell her all about how it went down. You don’t think you need to see any more for now.

In fact, you think you might just go to bed. And you do.

While you are in this slumber, the story will take a moment outside your perspective for the first time. There are stories worth telling that are happening outside of your vision and influence. So, the story must zoom out, and zero in on a different house in the carapace kingdom. Don’t worry, the story won’t be far.

Across a series of parks and streets, lie two towers. Both of them are dark and quiet, but amongst the two of them, only two individuals remain awake at this hour.

Roxy and Calliope are in bed. Calliope has fallen asleep, but Roxy has not. They are worried about someone they love. Their love said that they would be to bed sooner than later, but a few hours have passed and they begin to worry. Roxy stands at their bedroom door. Across a hallway, John is sitting on their living room couch, elbows resting on his knees, face resting in his hands. Roxy approaches.

Roxy: hey um

Roxy: babe?

John leans back in the couch. His voice is horse.

John: hey.

Roxy: r u okay?

John: i’m fine.

Roxy: that sounds like the biggest fattest lie that ever sat around and tried to pass off as true

Roxy sits next to their partner. They see no evidence of tears other than Johns voice and his shakey exhales.

Roxy: john… whats goin on?

Roxy: you can tell me…

John: roxy… how did you know?

Roxy: hm?

John: how did you know you… weren’t what you thought you were…

Roxy: john i rlly dont know what ur talkin about

John: i’m talking about like… you know… gender, i guess?

Roxy: o

Roxy: well it took one hell of a lot of introspection selfways ill tell you that

Roxy: talkin w/ callie helped me rlly cement it in my brain how i feel abt it but first I had to figure it out for myself

Roxy: to b more direct w/ answerin u ummmm

Roxy: i guess i found out when i realized how performative a lot of my shit was

Roxy: obv not all of my personality lmao

Roxy: like im still kind of a feminine person when it comes to colors i like and other shit but like

Roxy: other stuff

Roxy: sorry im not bein very direct lmao

John: it’s fine…

Roxy: john… are you…?

John: no!

John: well

John: i don’t know?

John: i think i’m too much of a fucking chump to really figure out anything about myself…

Roxy: well that’s alright… you don’t have to have all the answers all the time

John: but that’s stupid! everyone else does!!

Roxy: lmao that is way not tru

Roxy: not to bring your downer even lower but its p selfish of you to think that

Roxy: everybody has still got questions

Roxy: even the happily married lesbian couple next door

Roxy: nobody has got it all figured out

John: ugh, you’re right… i’m sorry…

Roxy: im not tryna shit on u im just sayin

Roxy: it really is okay to not really be sure what ur deal is sometimes?

Roxy: and tbh if u really think ur so bad at figuring stuff out using ur brain u can always just try shit out and see what sticks

Roxy: like i wasnt sure what pronouns i wanted to go by so i just went with they and its worked so far for me

Roxy: see lol even I don’t exactly know what my deal is im just doin my best here

John: yeah, you’re right…

John: thanks.

Roxy: ofc

Roxy: i fuckin love you

John: love you too…

John: hey, roxy?

Roxy: yeah babe?

John: god, sorry if his sounds silly or lame but um… can you like…

John: call me…

June: june?


	47. Act 5, Chapter 3: Junes Birthday

Your consciousness slowly beings to re-establish itself. Suddenly, you are experiencing once again. You are awake. The blackness of unconsciousness becomes the blackness of the back of your eyelids, and after enough convincing, you will yourself into opening your eyes. When you do so, you are hit with beams of light coming in from the windows of your apartment. You consider leaving the rest of the day in favor of more rest when you are once again met with a knock at your door.

You put on your hoodie. (You are calling it yours now.) You get up and rub the tiredness out of your eyes. You walk over to your door and open it.

June: hey reader! did I catch you at a bad time?

Oh, hello June! You tell her, no, it’s not a bad time. If you look a bit dazed, it’s because you just woke up, that’s all. You invite her to come in and ask her what’s up. She’s wearing a flowing blue dress. You have never seen her wear something like this, even though it has been quite some time since she came out… You compliment her on it. She seems to have grown out her hair in the last… how many months has it been? You don’t remember.

June: oh! thanks, haha. did you say you just woke up? dude, its like noon.

Oh huh. So it is.

June: anyway, nagging you about your sleep schedule isn’t at all why i came here. i actually don’t give a fuck about that at all, im just giving you a hard time.

June: the reason i came here is because it’s my birthday tomorrow, and i’m holding a party at my house across the street, and I wanted to invite you!

June: i would have just texted you but you’re so nearby there really wasn’t any point?

Oh shit, really? You’re being invited?

June: yeah of course, you’re one of my buds!

Huh. June smiles. Her smile has always been lovely, even before you knew her as such, but something about this is different. There’s something that feels… Nervous, possibly more nervous than she has ever been in her entire life, but at the same time… True. Maybe truer than any smile you have seen up until this point, if that means anything.

You tell her you would love to come. She expresses her joy to hear that and gives you the time to show up. You reflect briefly. It’s her birthday… that means you have been here for almost a year… All this time… you never realized how much you wasted. You lost track of time entirely. You are quite surprised by what June said… She considers you her bud. Like. Your friend. You haven’t been so happy to make that revelation in quite some time. You imagined the gods among you to be celebrity like, almost definitely fictional. It’s quite surprising to find that they consider you a friend.

So, you go. You spend the day getting ready, getting a nice gift. You got something simple, some trick playing cards. You are certain she has had one of these before, but it’s been a while since you have seen her mess with one of these, so you got one for her. You hope that this comes off as nice and thoughtful and not totally outdated and uninteresting. You guess you will see! You aren’t sure what to get Jane… But also, you aren’t sure if she considers you a friend enough for it not to be weird to get her something? Out of politeness, you find a cheep detective story starring a trio of carapacians. It’s in the same vain as June’s present, being a callback to old interests.

When the time comes, you enter. It seems like you were the last to arrive! Every one of Junes friends are spread out, talking, and having the time of their lives. When you enter, they all greet you. You aren’t used to the attention. You smile and wave. Calliope comes to greet you directly.

Calliope: hello reader! i’m glad to see yoU coUld make it!

Calliope: oh, woah! what’s this? yoU have some gifts? let me add it to the pile for you, if that’s qUite alright?

Sure! They take your messily wrapped gifts from you. You ask what is on the itinerary for today.

Calliope: well, right now we are jUst mingling. i think dirk and jake had a movie for Us to watch, and then after that we are going to eat and Unwrap gifts!

You tell them that you are pretty hyped. They smile, and ask you to join them as they walk back into the group.

Junes living room is animated. Everyone is talking, and more than ever everyone is being themselves. On this special occasion, everyone has allowed themselves the freedom to dress and act in a way that is uniquely them. June is wearing a dress for the first time, with clips in her hair. Her partner is comfortable in modified Derse jammies made into a hoodie-skirt combo complete with a new, more masculine haircut. Callie is dressed up in an obnoxiously green suit. Dave and Karkat are both on the couch so close they are practically in each other’s arms, and Jade is right next to them, all three of them laughing and teasing each other joyfully. Sitting on the arm of the couch, same side Jade is on, Rose is having a lengthy discussion on old literature she barely read at Kanaya who is leaning against the wall engaging in sexually charged eye contact with her wife. Dirk and Jake are on the floor leaning against the front of the couch. Despite their lack of a relationship status, Jake has an arm around Dirks shoulder. Roxy and their partners stand behind the couch next to the kitchen, discussing what snacks to bring out, and when to bring about the cake. Even you dressed up for the occasion for once!

The only person who doesn’t seem to be letting themselves let lose is… Jane. She sits on a chair, separate from the couch everyone has gathered around. She’s engaging in a conversation with Dirk and Jake about what movies they all should watch, which Roxy, June, and Calliope occasionally chime in for, but she is still separate. She is being included in the conversation and all the festivities, but she feels closed off. Everyone is relaxed, sitting in comfortable positions or leaning on walls and furniture, whereas Jane is sitting politely in a chair, as if waiting to get called into the doctor’s office. Normally she would be right there on that couch, laughing and smiling with her friends. It’s her birthday for god’s sake, but everyone seems so… something. She can’t put a word to it. Are people allowed to just… BE like this? Should… SHE be letting herself be like this? It just seems so… unusual. So odd. So irregular. And if she were to use one of her classic Jane anachronisms to describe how she felt about all that was going on around her, she may even describe the whole event as… queer.

Dirk: Hey Jane, you good?

Jane: Hm?

Jane: Oh! Yeah, yeah, I’m good!

Dirk: Alright, just making sure. You were kind of zoning out there.

Jane: Oh, yeah, I’m alright. There’s just a lot going on right now…

Jake: There is?

Jane: Yes! Well I guess not a lot, but there’s a load of paperwork going around… what with the relocation of the Crockercorp Private Prison… A lot goes into moving a building a quarter of the size of the carapace kingdom!

Dirk: Oh yeah.

Dirk: Hm.

Jake: Now i dont mean to offend, but isnt it a little odd that you need to own your own prison? By jove, what even is IN there?

Jane: Jake, you know why.

Dirk: Plus, there’s only one guy in there. There isn’t really a huge moral issue there.

Jane: Thank you Dirk. :B

Jake: You are absolutely right, apologies for the accusation! I am not quite keeping my ear to the ground these days when it comes to the inner machinations of our various enterprises. Its hard enough as it is to keep a handle on my own!

Dirk: Speaking of your enterprises, I think it’s about god damn time we unveiled our latest project. Shall we?

Jake: Indubitably, my good man!

June: grooooooooan.

Roxy: cmon babe give it a chance!

Calliope: yes jUne, as one of the few who has had some insider knowledge on this project, i am actUally qUite fond of this one! i can’t say much withoUt getting into…

Roxy: casual spoilers? lmao

Calliope: heehee ^u^

Dirk: Thank you, Callie. It’s finally time. Announcer voice, Jake.

Jake: Rumble in da pumpkin patch, da movie!!

Kanaya: Isnt That His Regular Voice

Rose: Yes, I believe it is.

Dirk: But did you hear how excited he was about it?

Kanaya: Yes

Dirk: That’s the kind of shit that gets asses in seats. We’ve got all kinds of ad campaigns planned.

Dirk: I was inspired to infuse this film with an eclectic set of genres, so there are a lot of angles to tackle this thing from. How do you get across a romantic comedy through wrestling? You are about to fucking find out.

Karkat: BOOOOOOO!!

Dirk: What.

Dave: hahaha cmon give him a break

Karkat: NO, I WILL NOT GIVE HIM A BREAK! I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BYE WHILE SOME DOUCHE IN SHADES MAKES A MOCKERY OF THE THINGS I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT!!

Dave: …

Karkat: A *DIFFERENT* DOUCHE IN SHADES. YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT JACKASS!

Dave: im joshing you babe

Karkat: YOU’RE DOING WHAT TO ME!?

Dave: oh my god nevermind

Karkat: I WILL COME BACK TO YOU ABOUT THAT. I CAN’T SPEND ALL MY ENERGY DISECTING EVERY INCH OF NEW HUMAN VERNACULAR THERE IS APPERENTLY AN ENDLESS SUPLY OF. THERE ARE MORE PRESSING ISSUES AT HAND!

Dirk: Karkat, I totally see where you are coming from, but you really don’t have to worry.

Dirk: It’s really more of a light ironic celebration then a mocking. You see, it taking itself seriously is what makes it funny. Simultaneously, it being so goddamn stupid is what makes it so heart wrenching when… well I won’t spoil it, but you get the picture.

Dirk: I’m making fucking art here, and I wouldn’t waste any more than 75% of the films time picking apart it’s genre/medium.

Kanaya: Or Any Less

Dirk: Exactly.

Calliope: dirk isn’t selling it very well… it really is qUite a fascinating film!

Karkat: HMF! I WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!

Dirk: A good review from you is probably the highest praise I could ever receive.

Karkat: OKAY, THAT TIME YOU WERE MOCKING ME. I’M NOT A FUCKING MORON!

Jade: karkat, you love tearing movies apart!! this is a win-win!

Jade: you either get an enriching movie watching experience, or you get to give endless complaints about a thing!

Karkat: WELL, YEAH, BUT COMPLAINING LOUDLY ABOUT IT IS KIND OF PART OF THE EXPERIENCE.

Jade: alright

Jade: but im limiting you to only two rant breaks!!

Karkat: THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE. HOW LONG IS THE MOVIE?

Jake: An hour and a half.

Karkat: *WHAT*

Karkat utilizes those rant breaks, milking as many minutes out of them as he can. If Dirk is taking offense, he isn’t showing it. Despite loudly and extensively complaining during his two rant breaks, when the big twist of the movie comes, that the referee was the one who gave Jack British (portrayed by Jake English) the love notes at the beginning of the film all along, Karkat is completely floored. He is so enveloped in the world of this film you never would have thought he spent half an hour talking about how bad it was during the first 45 minutes.

During the movie’s intermission, Callie and Roxy bring dinner, as well as desert, to the group of partygoers. June is sitting on the floor, leaning against the right side of the couch. She doesn’t care for this movie much at all, but she is definitely enjoying the banter. When she sees the cake, June kisses her partner on the cheek and smiles. June is new to long term relationships, but by now she is getting the hang of PDA. Roxy and Callie, with a bit of help from one of Jane Crockers online recipes, prepared an ice cream cake. She spent her childhood very much over saturated with regular cake, so ice cream cake it is.

As everyone eats, the gang breaks out a game of Cards Against Earth C.

Karkat: ALRIGHT YOU SORRY SACKS OF GARBAGE, I NEED TO FUCKING READ THIS, SO CAN ALL OF YOU SLOSHED NOOKWIFFERS PIPE DOWN FOR A FUCKING SECOND?

Kanaya: Im Not Entirely Sure What You Mean By That

Karkat: JUST LET ME FUCKING READ GODDAMMIT!!

Karkat: AHEM.

Karkat: DON’T COME CLOSE. I WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER BLANK.

Karkat puts the Black card down. The rest of the group mulls over their red cards. You don’t have any that particularly fit this prompt… Troll Michael Jordan, Spritecon, the secret fifth kingdom, the Douchebag Kingdom… none of these strikes you as being very funny. Seems like you are going to have to throw away another card…

Dave leans back to hide his cards from Karkat, who he is very close to, and normally could easily see his cards. He probably still could if he wanted to. Dave takes one last sip out of his drink.

Dave: hey do you want any soda

Karkat: JESUS, NO. LIKE I SAID, I’M NOT FUCKING DRINKING TONIGHT.

Dave: alright i know you have said that but like

Dave: literally fucking why

Dave: its so fucking weird

Dave: like you dont have to but its such an odd thing to refuse

Karkat: WHAT IS SO FUCKING WEIRD ABOUT IT?

Dave: you are acting like its poison

Dave: what is the deal with that

Karkat: IT FUCKING *IS* POISON YOU DUMBASS

Karkat: SORRY I DON’T WANT TO GET FUCKING DRUNK AT JUNES FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!

Karkat: SOMETHING THAT *APPARENTLY* NONE OF THE REST OF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH!!

Dave: wait

Kanaya: Wait

Kanaya: What

Kanaya: Karkat

Karkat: WHAT!? WHY IS EVERYONE FUCKING LOOKING AT ME!?

Kanaya: Human Soda Isnt Alcoholic

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT ISN'T ALCOHOLIC??? HOW COME YOU ALL ARE ACTING LIKE FUCKING LUNATICS???

Jade: karkat…. were having FUN… remember fun, karkat? you remember fun, dont you?

Karkats face turns a grayish red.

Karkat: I…

Kanaya: Karkat

Kanaya: I Thought We Already Discussed This

Rose: We definitely did. If memory serves it was only about year one on our trip on the meteor.

Karkat: NO, WE ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DISCUSS THAT.

Rose: Wait, was that with Karkat or Terezi?

Kanaya: Terezi Was Certainly There

Kanaya: But I Thought Karkat Was Also There

Dave: holy shit this is amazing

Karkat: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!

Jade: hehehehe

Kanaya: Oh Dear

Kanaya: I Think I Realized What The Issue Is

Kanaya: It Was One Of Your Morning Meetings

Kanaya: Remember That Rose

Rose: Oh yes, now I remember… but why wouldn’t Karkat be there?

Kanaya: Karkat Stopped Coming For About A Week After Our Dancestors Crashed The Party And Cronus-

Rose: Ooooooooooh okay, that explains it.

Dave: oh jesus i straight up forgot about that

Karkat: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? THOSE MEETINGS WERE USELESS TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES FOR *MONTHS* AND THE SECOND I FINALLY GET FED UP WITH EMBARRASSING MYSELF AROUND THE MOST EMBARRASSING SET OF INDIVIDUALS IN PARADOX SPACE, **THEN** YOU ALL DECIDE TO START HASHING OUT THE IMPORTANT DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN OUR SPECIES!?

Kanaya: This May Have Been One Of The Very Few Meetings That Were For Any Sort Of Learning Experience

Kanaya: Mostly It Was Just To Make Sure We Didnt Stop Communicating

Kanaya: To Keep Us Working As A Team

Kanaya: Id Say It Was Quite Effective.

Rose: Agreed.

Jane: Wow, you guys were a lot more organized then we were! We never would have thought of that…

Kanaya: Oh No We Werent

Kanaya: In The Original Timeline Apparently We Were All Quite Scattered

Kanaya: Vriska Didnt Want The Same Disunity To Befall Us So She Yelled At Us To Be More Of A Team Until

Kanaya: Was It Karkat

Kanaya: It May Have Actually Been Karkat Who Originally Suggested The Morning Meetings

Karkat: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION OF THIS.

Jade looks despondent. Karkat tunes out of the conversation and speaks under his breath to the girl to his immediate left.

Karkat: (hey harley, are you okay?)

Jade: hm? yeah, yeah of course im okay

Karkat: (don’t give me that shit jade. do you need to take a minute? maybe outside?)

Jade looks shocked. She nods her head and after a moment stands up.

Roxy: yo jade, where are u goin?

Jade: just gonna get some fresh air :)

Dave: you going too babe

Karkat: YEAH.

Dave: does that mean were done with the game?

Dirk: Yeah, I think so. We haven’t been able to focus on the last three rounds.

Jake: By golly, then what are we to do to spend our time on this joyous occasion?

Dirk: Sounds like we’re in need of some entertainment to consume.

Jake: Jumping Jehoshaphat, are you thinking what i’m thinking?

Dirk: I don’t know.

Dirk: But I know what I’m thinking.

Dirk: It’s time for a fucking encore.

June: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dave: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Rose: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Kanaya: Dear God

Roxy: noooooooooooooooooooooooooo :(

Jane: Please Dirk, it was an hour and a half! We really don’t have to watch it again!!

Calliope: oh bother…

Karkat: (quick, let’s get the fuck out of here.)

Jade and Karkat escape the loud protesting to the outdoor balcony. The two of them look over the Carapace Kingdom in twilight. The archaic architecture mixed with city lights makes for a uniquely beautiful scene that could not be found anywhere else. At least, nowhere else that the people of Earth C know about.

Jade steps ahead of Karkat and rests her arms against the railing and stares out past the cityscape.

Karkat: HEY, UM.

Karkat: ARE YOU OKAY?

Jade pulls her hair back behind her right ear.

Jade: yeah

Karkat: … OK.

Jade: everything is honestly really great karkat

Karkat: ALRIGHT. SO WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE ON THE DEPRESSION PRECIPICE, INCHES AWAY FROM FALLING INTO THE ABYSS OF LOSING YOUR SHIT?

Jade: … i

Jade:

Jade: i dont know

Jade: everything is good right now, karkat

Jade: I don’t know why I feel like this…

Karkat: UM.

Karkat: OK SO, I APPRECIATE THAT FEELING. I REALLY DO.

Karkat: SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE IM THE ONLY GOD DAMN ONE ON EARTH C THAT DOESN’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

Karkat: AND IT FEELS LIKE IT’S MY FAULT, YOU KNOW?

Karkat: IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING PARADISE, WHO FUCKING GAVE *ME* THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN?

Karkat: SO, I GET WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

Karkat: THAT… FEELING OF CLUELESSNESS.

Karkat: BUT I THINK YOU ARE LYING TO ME.

Karkat: NO OFFENSE.

Jade chuckles and rolls her eyes. He’s telling the truth. She’s an analytical person. She taps into her emotions plenty, but when there is a problem to be solved, she processes the world in datapoints, and she doesn’t leave any stone unturned. The fact is that she experienced trauma. She can look at that fact, see how it affects her, and know what measures should be taken to make things easier. But when a piece of her issues falls through the cracks in her self-care, she doesn’t want to make it anyone’s problem. She doesn’t even want it to be her problem. Another fact that she can look at objectively is the fact that she is not very good at introspecting. This results in her not being truthful about how she feels about herself, her trauma, and her experiences. She knows this, but she perpetuates it. She keeps it hidden. She hates this about herself. She hates herself when she fails to compartmentalize.

Karkat: LOOK…

Karkat: SOMETHINGS BOTHERING YOU.

Karkat: IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK, HEAD TO MY PLACE, MAYBE JUST TAKE A BREATHER FROM THE FESTIVITIES… JUNE WOULD GET IT.

Karkat: SHE’S NICE LIKE THAT.

Jade:

Jade tries to say something. It doesn’t come out.

Karkat: JADE?

She tries again.

Jade: um

It comes out quiet. Is she about to cry? “God,” she thinks, “That is so stupid.”

Jade: i think

Her voice is shaky. Pull it together Harley. Why is she breaking down now? It was just a little mention of her time spent alone… She’s dealt with so much worse! Why now? She starts to get angry. Something about this, she doesn’t know what, makes her laugh. That makes her angry too. She smiles and looks back at Karkat. Her eyes are wet.

Jade: i think being alone is the last thing i need right now

Karkat: OH.

Karkat: YEAH, THAT’S FAIR, I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE ASSUEMD THAT WOULD BE A BAD THING. ACTUALLY, IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING STUPID OF ME TO OFFER.

Karkat: “HEY JADE, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE HAVING A HARD TIME, WANT TO TAKE A BRIEF REPRIEVE FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU AND JUST STEW IN YOUR TRAUMA FOR A BIT?”

Karkat: GOD, WHAT A DICK MOVE.

Jade: karkat

Karkat: YOU WOULD THINK THAT I WOULD KNOW BETTER, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN FRIENDS? LIKE, HOLY SHIT, WHAT-

Jade: KARKAT!!

Karkat: |:B

Jade: shush

Jade hugs him. She holds on tight, and lets the tears go without a single sob. Her breakdowns are typically more explosive, but this time it all comes out silently. Karkat can tell. He hugs her back. His hugs are soft, warm, and inviting, much like his demeanor. At least, much like his demeanor when he isn’t constantly trying to paint himself as the biggest asshole in the room, which is all the time. Almost.

They allow themselves to exist in this moment for a while. Not that you would know. You are currently sitting in the Livingroom, waiting for the movie experience to begin. You won’t lie, you aren’t particularly excited to see this movie again. But, then again, you consider yourself blessed to be here at all. It all feels so… real. Like these are ACTUALLY your friends. And… you think they are? At least June and Calliope are. And maybe Roxy? And… Jade? She seemed to like you anyway. You have a very hard time gauging whether or not people actually like you without an omnipotent being controlling your brain to tell you whether or not ‘friend success has been achieved’. Oh, how you miss that little jingle of victory.

The movie starts out, and you are pleasantly met with a completely different movie. It’s kind of like Jackass, in the fact that it is just Dirk and Jake fucking around and doing stupid shit. Some of it is Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch outtakes but the majority of it is just dumb shit that they did, some of which includes the other people in this room. There is one clip of Dirk skateboarding off of the roof of Davekat’s house. No one other than Dirk and Jake are there. You have no idea if they got permission to do that. Dirk falls on his ass. Another clip is of Jake responding to Dirks fanmail and Dirk responding to Jakes fanmail, both pretending to be each other. Dirk writes an overly verbose and well-mannered message and then tells the fan that he is typing the message with his ass, and Jake just tries to make Dirk sound like a dumbass.

The lights are low and everyone is piled onto/next to the couch. Drunk on the late night, everyone is laughing and leaning on each other. You get the impression that this is the closest these people have been in a long while. Physically anyway. Despite this, they seem comfortable. You are chilling next to Callie, soaking in the experience and chuckling to each other about their friend’s quirks. Personality, not typing.

Dave, Jade, and Karkat are all tangled in each other’s limbs. It’s honestly hard to tell who’s in the middle. Dave and Karkat hold hands, keeping a steady grip most of the night. Jade leans over Karkat, across his stomach, her head ending up close to Dave’s shoulder. She asked of course. She was tired, but there wasn’t much room on the couch. They said it was fine, although Dave knows his boyfriend is just a very comfy person to lay on. Dave’s arm reaches around, being a headrest for the two individuals to his left. They smile and laugh. They are more laughing at each other’s commentary more than the movie, but everyone is having a good time. Jade hears the beat of Dave’s heart, Dave feels the soft but occasional tightening of Karkats hand on his, and Karkat looks down occasionally into Jades eyes, seeing the sparkles that feel out of place in reality. Dave is self-aware about what this looks like, but he is having a really hard time caring. He’s just living in the moment.

Most people are spending the night. They didn’t expect the movie viewing to go so late, but luckily Roxy and Callie come prepared. However, Dave and Karkat want to head home. Karkat has been around people longer than he is used to, and needs some time to defrag with fewer people around. The two of them offer for Jade to come along. She considers staying behind. It’s been a while since she has spent the night at Roxy and Callies house, and even longer since she has slept over with her sister. She decides to make a plan to spend the night at a later date, and follows the two boys home. You? You’re already asleep, passed out on a blanket on the floor by the couch.

The three of them take the stairs down, shushed voices echoing throughout the tower as they leave. They live a kingdom away, so flying would be much faster, but they decide to walk to the edge of town before taking off. There is something nice about walking through a city in the dead of night. On Earth it would have come with some danger but luckily for the three of them the streets haven’t known any sort of crime in many, many years. The only thing they need focus on is the sound of each other’s voices.

Dave: dude i really do think that was our hive

Karkat: THERE IS NO WAY, I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF THAT MUCH NOISE, AND WE LITERALLY NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!!

Jade: but my plants were there and everything! i know my plants, the one that was in frame is named perry, i know for an absolute certainty that is the same hive!!

Karkat: I JUST… DON’T GET IT? WERE THE NOISES EDITED IN IN POST?

Dave: its possible

Karkat: BUT THEN HOW THE HELL DID THEY DO IT SO SILENTLY? DIRK ISN’T USING HIS HOVERBOARD!! HE GENUINELY SKATEBOARDED DOWN OUR ROOF!! UNLESS THE WHOLE THING WAS GREEN SCREEN OR HOLOGRAMS OR *SOMETHING*. IT ABSOLUTELY MUST BE FAKE!!

Dave: probably but like

Dave: he completely ate shit

Dave: he doesnt make himself comic relief on purpose if it was fake he would have made himself do a sick flip and stick the landing

Jade: i dont know, maybe hes learned to chill out about stuff a little

Dave: hm

Dave: doubt

Dave: not impossible tho

Dave: he did take a jetski off of niagara falls though

Dave: and we never questioned the reality of that

Dave: why the fuck would he actually do that and then doctor something as small as skateboarding on a roof

Dave: and you cannot convince me the waterfall one is fake because i was there for that one

Jade: mmmm are you guys hungry?

Dave: hungry for ass

Karkat: HAHAHA, DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Karkat: THAT DIDN’T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING.

Dave: yeah you got me I just wanted to say the word ass

Jade: let the man say ass!!

Dave: yeah dude what the hell

Dave: sometimes a dudes just gotta say words that make said dude smile for no real reason

Karkat: WORDS MEAN THINGS! YOU CAN’T JUST SAY RANDOM SETS OF WORDS BECAUSE THEY TRIGGER YOUR FUCKING ASMR TINGLES OR WHATEVER.

Jade: fuck that!! puppies green flowers titties!!

Dave: one of those things are not like the others

Dave: here are some of mine

Dave: karkat vantas

Dave: jade harley

Karkat: YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DISTRACT ME WITH CUTE HORSESHIT!!

Karkat: IF YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO ME YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY A LOT FUCKING HARDER THAN THAT.

Dave: i mean i wasnt but fair

Dave: just wait ill lay down the smoothness bomb like a fucking date ninja

Dave: you wont even know what hit you

Dave: ill be like cupid

Dave: but instead of a wimpy ass bow and arrow it will be a goddamn nuclear warhead of hugs and fucking kisses

Dave: your heart will have to mark that day as a day of remembrance for all the lives lost to the strider love nuke

Dave: the surrounding countries will never be habitable again

Jade: ill help you engineer it!

Dave: thank you harley

Jade: so i can sabotage it!!

Dave: what the fuck that is so incredibly uncool

Jade: think of the environment dave!! the local ecosystems in karkats heart must be protected!

Karkat: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE SHIT ARE YOU TWO EVEN TALKING ABOUT!?

Jade: i believe we are currently debating the ethics of setting off a nuclear blast inside your heart

Karkat: … HELLO!?

Dave: in a symbolic sense

Dave: and also in a nonsexual way

Karkat: HOW THE FUCK COULD THAT BE TAKEN IN A SEXUAL WAY?

Dave: idk i just got vibes

Dave: wanted to cover my bases

Karkat: YOU BETTER COVER ALL YOUR BASES.

Karkat: OR ELSE ILL INFULTRATE THEM AND FUCK UP YOUR ENTIRE OPERATION.

Karkat: SEE? YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN GO ON MEANINGLESS TANGENT THAT ARE ONLY LOSELY BASED ON THE THINGS WE ARE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT.

Karkat: HOLY SHIT WAIT… WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

Jade: :0 im not sure!

Karkat: WE STARTED BY DISCUSSING DIRKS TROLL JACKASS RIPOFF… AND THEN…..

Karkat: HOW DID WE GET TO FLIRTING?

Jade: do you/we need any segue to move into flirting?

Dave: you/we?

Jade: because being flirtatious is a trait i share with you but we are specifically talking about you two in this context :p

Dave: aight fair

The three of them eventually arrive back at Dave and Karkats house. They enter the dark home and turn on the lights, revealing the light charming clutter of personal items scattered around the house. It makes the place feel lived in.

Dave instinctively turns the TV on. They aren’t planning on watching anything, but having the background noise is nice for them. By now it is far past midnight, but it appears as though none of them are planning on going to sleep, because all three of them sit themselves down on their couch in front of the television. Karkat brings the ottoman out and the three of them lean back in the couch like they have already silently decided that they aren’t planning on leaving.

The three young adults laugh and smile. They are closer than they ever have been before. Not literally, they have been forced onto a couch too small for the three of them before and being uncomfortably close was definitely not an alien concept, particularly in the earlier years of their friendship on Earth C. No, they have never been closer emotionally. They see each other in a way that they never had until now. REALLY see each other. And it certainly is not uncomfortable for any of them. There is a little bit of hesitation present, especially in Jade, but for the most part they are too tired to care about anything other than being themselves.

Jade, Dave, and Karkat, all bring themselves closer to one another as they absentmindedly drone on about nothing in particular. Their legs entangle as they drift off into sleep. There is a silent moment. In the space of that silent moment, Jade speaks.

Jade: do you mind?

They shake their heads. Jade reaches her hand over and embraces the two of them. Dave finds himself naturally sinking into Karkat’s chest, Jade’s sinking into him. His hand is in Karkat’s fuzzy hair. He can smell Jade’s newly washed hair. It’s weird, but he likes it. There’s something so symbolically satisfying about, after a life of cold and “tough love” being surrounded so literally by the people he loves.

He felt this before. When they got done with the game and all of them watched the creation of the genesis frog before entering Earth C, he felt a lot like how he does now.

Karkat hums in his sleep. Ever since Sgrub ended, Karkat has made an accidental habit of being the first to fall asleep. This hum reverberates through the couch softly and luls the humans to sleep. Dave looks at his sleeping boyfriends face. He never thought he would get to call him that. After taking in the beauty of the scene, he looks over to Jade. He thinks she fell asleep, but suddenly her eyes open. Suddenly, but slowly. The two of them make eye contact. He gets the feeling she may have been asleep for a moment. She smiles at him and drifts back. Dave is always the last to fall asleep. Always.

He lays there, Jade and Karkat in his arms, and he in theirs. His nerves begin to accelerate, an anxiety suddenly coming over him. He breaths. He started practicing breathing exercises on the meteor at Karkats request. They don’t always work.

Dave breaths in. The rise and fall of Jade and Karkat’s chests act like a metronome to which he times himself. He takes in the fact that he is safe. He sees Jade and it grounds him in the truth. He sees Karkat and it seals him there, and keeps him safe. Dave exhales.


	48. Act 5, Chapter 4: Epic Boner

Jade and Karkat sit silently as they chew their food. It’s early in the morning, and Dave is taking a shower. The two of them are tired. Very tired. It has been six months since Junes birthday, and Dave refuses to talk about what happened between the three of them. This, understandably, has Jade frustrated. Karkat is also frustrated. This is such a typical Dave move. Honestly, Karkat is more upset then Jade is. Karkat thought the two of them were done with this kind of bullshit! Karkat and Dave spent their four years of not talking about how they feel about each other, so Karkat doesn’t understand how they just fell back into the same damn pattern.

Jade: hey… karkat?

Karkat: YEAH?

Jade: … we should… talk to dave

Karkat: TODAY!?

Jade: yes today!! why not today!?

Jade: whats wrong with today? what could possibly make today a worse day than any other day?

Karkat: WELL… I MEAN…

Jade: listen… i was really glad when you told me you wanted the three of us to talk about what happened that night

Jade: but you wont even talk to ME about what happened that night!! youre the one who came to me about it, and i am so willing to organize this discussion, but you have been avoiding it just as much as dave has!!

Jade: for six whole months by the way!! i want it to really sink in how dumb of an amount of time that is!!

Karkat: PLEASE, SIX MONTHS IS NOTHING FOR DAVE AND I. YOU SEVERELY UNDERESTIMATE HOW FUCKING STUPID WE CAN BE.

Karkat: HONESTLY, IT’S INSULTING THAT YOU THINK HALF OF A MEASLY YEAR WOULD BE EVEN CLOSE TO TOO MUCH TIME FOR US TO AVOID GETTING ANYTHING IMPORTANT DONE.

Karkat: WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR ALMOST A SWEEP AND IT HAS BEEN EXACTLY THIS DUMB FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Karkat: ONCE HE WALKED IN ON ME SHITTING AND HE WOULDN’T LOOK AT ME IN THE EYES FOR SIX WEEKS!!

Jade: god, okay, i get it, youre dumb!!

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Jade sighs. This is the kind of shit she has had to deal with for months now. She lets her head lay against their table before taking another breath and looking up at Karkat.

Jade: you know, if you really just want to move on… i can forget about it

Jade: like, it was definitely something that happened, but if its so hard to talk about then we can just not talk about it!

Karkat: NO.

Jade: okay, then lets just talk to dave about it!!

Karkat: NO!!!!

Jade: FUCK!!

Jade leans back in her chair and stares up at the ceiling, letting out a mighty “ugh” before she hears the water in their bathroom turn off.

Jade: then why wont YOU talk to me about it? why the vagueness?

Karkat: (shush, he might hear you!!)

Jade: oh my god

Karkat sits in silence, much to Jades chagrin, as Dave gets dressed and exits the bathroom. Dave meanders into the kitchen and grabs a piece of toast he left for himself.

Dave: hey babe

Dave leans over and kisses Karkat on the top of the head before putting his sunglasses on.

Dave: hello jade

Dave assumes a formal style of speaking and attempts a facial expression so neutral its very obvious he is quite disgruntled.

Jade: hello dave

Jade: :p

Dave: alright you two have fun, ive got some art to make

Dave: ill update yall when i finish

Karkat: ALRIGHT, GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR INSPIRATION ON OR WHATEVER.

Dave: thanks

Dave: i think your words of encouragement are just enough to get me through a few hours of hard mspaint labor.

Dave heads quickly to the bedroom and shuts the door.

Karkat: WHAT? DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!

Jade: hes being weird!

Karkat: HE COULD HEAR YOU SHUT UP!!

Jade: youre the one whos yelling!!

Karkat: RIGHT, SORRY.

Jade: listen, i cant do this!!

Jade: either we do it or we dont

Jade: if not then i dont know how much longer i can wait on you! i have been really patient!!

Karkat: …

Jade: karkat, can you at least tell me why you are having such a hard time with this?

Karkat takes a deep breath and holds it. He decides that maybe, if he holds his breath until he can come up with something to say, his thinkpan will enter a survival state and come up with something to say as soon as possible.

Jade: …

Jade: … karkat :/

Jade: come on

Karkat gasps.

Karkat: SORRY UM… OKAY SO…

Karkat: LISTEN.

Karkat: THIS MAY SOUND STUPID, SO DON’T FUCKING TELL ME HOW STUPID IT SOUNDS!! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I DO *NOT* NEED TO GET SHIT ABOUT THIS!!!!

Karkat: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO… TALK TO HIM WHEN HE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK?

Karkat: OKAY, THAT’S NOT TRUE, I HAVE DEFINITELY GAINED THE SKILL OF BREAKING THROUGH THE YOKE FILLED COOL-GUY SHELL LIKE A HUNGRY CHEEPBEAST.

Karkat: IT’S MORE LIKE A MOTIVATION THING. I DON’T LIKE MAKING SHIT HARD FOR HIM.

Jade: …

Karkat: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY.

Jade: ok, you know what? youre right. I wont call it stupid

Jade: because you asked me sooooo nicely

Jade: but i would like to point something out to you

Karkat: OKAYYYY…

Jade: making shit hard for each other is practically all you ever do!!

Jade: because both of you are really weird fuckers who like to make shit difficult for yourselves!!

Jade: giving each other fake conversational hurtles to struggle through is like… your love language or something

Jade: so, i call bullshit! it isnt about making him make hard choices or have hard conversations

Karkat: …OKAY.

Jade: do you want to know what *i* think it actually is?

Karkat: APPARENTLY YOU KNOW MY THINKPAN BETTER THAN I DO SO GO THE FUCK AHEAD, I GUESS.

Jade: i think maybe you are worried about… where his feelings might lie about this

Karkat: KLSDJAFHG;LKDFSJG

Jade: no karkat, please listen to me

Jade: i think you don’t want to cause a schism in our dynamic...

Jade: its easier to just let it lie then risk… change

Jade: and you have yet to tell me what you really think so god knows where you stand here… but!!

Jade: one thing is the ineffable truth… a truth that not even i could ever dream of changing!!

Jade: and that is that dave loves you!

Jade: he loves you so goddamn much and no matter what changes, that will stay.

Karkat: …

Jade: its okay, you can cry if you need to

Karkat: FUCK YOU DUDE

Jade: :p

The two of them quietly laugh to one another.

Jade: and hey, i wont stop being your friend any time soon! no matter what :)

Karkat: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, FUCK.

Karkat: THANK YOU.

Karkat looks behind him down the hallway towards the closed-door Dave is currently behind.

Karkat: OKAY.

Karkat: TODAY.

Karkat: TODAY WE’RE DOING IT. I’M READY.

Dave sits at his computer with his legs kicked up on his desk. He’s “drawing sbahj” which at the moment means staring at an empty Paint document while fucking with his phone. He needs advice. Creative advice, sure, why not. He takes his feet off the desk and leans over his keyboard as he sends his text.

turntechGodhead began pestering timaeusTestified

TG: hey you got a minute

TT: I can make a minute, what’s up?

TG: i need some advice

TT: What type of advice?

TG: creative advice i guess

TG: ive been staring at this blank page for what feels like half an hour

TG: somethings blocking all my creative juices and shit

TG: idk how to get back in the groove of things

TT: You’re an artist, this isn’t your first art block in your life. What do you usually do?

TG: i usually just do something the fuck else honestly

TT: So, why can’t you do that now? Did you finally get jumped by some dude with a gun, demanding that you draw him a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic or else he’ll unload his weapon into your skull?

TG: if i say yes will you believe me

TT: Dave, we are tight as fuck, of course I would believe you.

TT: That is, if I didn’t already know you were lying.

TT: Sounds to me like you’re avoiding something.

TG: god dammit

TG: am i really that predictable

TG: am i the avoidant guy

TG: is being cagey and running from my problems like my epic quirky thing i do that everyone can easily identify like

TG: oh yeah thats dave his gimmick is not talking about his problems

TT: Well first off, you are actually not the only person in this group of friends who doesn’t talk about his problems. So, you can put that worry at ease.

TT: Second, I’m surprised you are asking this question now, because you are actually a lot better about talking about shit to people who aren’t me then you used to be.

TT: And character gimmicks rarely get developed out of said character, so that’s another insecurity you can write off.

TG: okay sick i guess

TG: then what the everliving fuck is different this time

TG: if ive gotten past this why is this different

TG: i should be taking my problems head on like a strong ass fucking mans man

TT: I should not be the one to point out toxic masculinity to you.

TG: i know it was a joke

TT: I know, I was also joking.

TG: alright alright fuck

TT: So, like, what do you actually want advice for?

TG: …

TT: Let’s take a look down the list of things I fucking school people in.

TT: It’s probably not combat.

TT: Maybe philosophy… but I doubt it. At least not so close to last time I info dumped on you.

TG: its about jade and karkat

TT: Ah, there we go.

TT: Wait, what’s up with Karkat?

TT: Trouble in paradise?

TG: not really

TG: unless you consider general dumbassary as trouble

TG: which i dont because the paradise is already an oasis of stupid shit happening constantly

TT: Then what’s the problem?

TT: Wait… Karkat and Jade…

TT: Did Karkat cheat on you?

TG: no god dammit put the fucking katana away jesus

TG: nobody cheated on anybody fuck

TT: Okay.

TG: im caught in a situation

TG: like ive got this great thing going right

TG: and its fucking wonderful

TG: like

TG: for the first time in my life i feel safe

TG: like consistently safe

TG: in at least one place in my life

TG: my relationship with karkat is like the only thing i dont feel like could explode at any moment yknow

TG: but now theres a surprise challenger coming from downtown and i dont know how any of that shit is going to shake out

TT: Challenger coming from downtown?

TG: yknow like wrestling

TT: Fuck dude, please learn anything about a single sport.

TT: I’m actually fucking begging you.

TT: You need a fucking sport-moron intervention.

TG: you and rose sitting on the couch as i get home all with serious expressions and shit

TT: Rose calmly tells you, “Dave, we need to talk.”

TT: Roxy’s there too.

TG: what why they dont know anything about sports either

TT: They know more than you do.

TG: bullshit

TT: Remember Esports?

TG: what the fuck is an esport

TT: Exactly.

TG: fuck

TT: Anyway, I digress.

TT: Let’s take a step back from your sport illiteracy for now.

TG: alright sick i think i can deal with one life upending real talk sesh today

TT: Alright.

TT: Taking a moment to acknowledge you just gave me textual consent to upend your life with this conversation. Just so it’s on the table.

TG: mhm

TG: go for it dude my brain is like fucking silly puddy waiting for you to get in their with your fingers and fuck all that shit up

TG: i wont even know my ass from tuesday when youre done

TT: Nah.

TG: ok

TT: It sounds to me like you are in the wake of some change in your life.

TT: or at least the potential for some.

TG: yeah i guess

TT: Now, listen.

TT: I have no fucking clue about any of this shit, honest to god.

TT: Everything I know about the subject is second hand information I have accrued from being around Roxy, and even that is very fucking limited.

TT: So, the idea of dating more than one person is kind of like. It isn’t even something I have the capacity to debate on.

TT: But the way you talk about this is the same way you used to talk about Karkat.

TG: … fuck

TG: well no but

TG: it is different

TT: Yeah, it is. Very different.

TT: I’m not saying that it’s a great idea and you should go jump into the arms of your bisexual dream life and nothing will go wrong forever.

TT: What I am saying is I don’t think you should fear talking about it.

TT: Especially now.

TT: Because Karkat is with you.

TT: You’ve got someone on your team with you.

TG: right

TT: Don’t let your voice go unheard.

TT: If it’s a bad plan then speak up man.

TT: I don’t know Jade very well, but I’ve gotten to know Karkat, and he won’t let you get stuck in a situation you aren’t okay with.

TT: If you want to know what the right answer is, or how to even have that kind of fucking conversation, you are shit out of luck.

TG: no uh

TG: thats okay

TG: thanks

Dave takes a deep breath.

TG: i mean it would be nice to know how to have that conversation

TG: like if you just happened to have that info on hand i would definitely take it

TG: but you have already helped me a lot

TG: thanks bro

TG: god damn im all fucking shaken up by this

TG: i feel like i need to return the favor on epic romance advice

TG: hows the thing with jake

TT: Jake?

TT: Oh, right, Jake. There is no thing with Jake.

TG: hahaha come on man

Karkat and Jade sit at the couch, antsy and nervous. Well, mostly Karkat is nervous, but at this point the nerves have leaked into Jade as well. The culmination of many years of uncertainty is upon her, it feels like. There was a time where she felt like she was in eternal relationship limbo with these two. Her anxiety is not for the possibility of rejection, but for the possibility that she could find herself within that limbo again.

Dave, after talking to Dirk for a while, exits his room and walks out into the living room, seeing his two friends looking like they are about to take him right from the pan of real talk into the fire. He stops before the couch, wondering if maybe they hadn’t noticed him. Like maybe they can only see movement.

Karkat: WE KNOW YOU’RE THERE, JACKASS!!

Dave: shit

Karkat: COME SIT DOWN.

Dave: um

Karkat: DO YOU REALLY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

Dave: wow babe that was rude

Dave: but alright

Dave: maybe at the table though it feels weird talking while we are all on the same couch

Dave: not a great intervention environment

Dave: youve gotta have equidistant seats at a table with your arms resting on said table with severe looks of concern and care in your eyes

Dave: yeah just like that

Dave: man why the fuck did you leave the table and walk to the couch

Dave: its like you people dont know anything about how to host a good real talk session

Jade: i got done eating and the couch is more comfy, sue me :P

The three of them take equidistant seats around their kitchen table. The self-aware attitude of the type of ‘real talk initiation ritual’ they are performing does not make it any more comfortable. They silently look at each other, waiting for one to begin. Dave obviously is the one being talked to in his eyes, so he stays silent. Karkat was the one who perused Jade about the topic, so she expects him to speak. Karkat just doesn’t know where to start. Jade sighs and rolls her eyes. She desperately doesn’t want to be the first one to talk, about as much as she desperately wants to yell at these boys. She puts her face in her right palm and stares at Karkat with a disgruntled expression.

Karkat: WHAT?

Jade raises her eyebrows.

Karkat: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, FUCK. I’LL START!!

Karkat: I REALLY THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE ONE WHO WANTS TO GO OFF ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT.

Jade: i do

Jade: thats why im waiting!!

Karkat: WHATEVER, ALRIGHT.

Karkat: UM.

Karkat: SO, DAVE.

Karkat: HOW ARE YOU?

Dave: um

Jade: lol what?

Karkat: DON’T FUCKING MAKE FUN OF ME!!

Jade: then why am i even here?

Karkat: YOU KNOW *EXACTLY* WHY YOU ARE HERE!!

Jade: do i :p

Dave: excuse me

Dave: if i may interject

Dave: what the fuck are you people talking about

Karkat: EXCELLENT QUESTION DAVE!!

Karkat: I WISH I FUCKING KNEW AT THIS POINT!!

Karkat: ALRIGHT I NEED TO BREATH FOR A SECOND.

Karkat: GOD I TOTALLY AM NOT IN THE RIGHT MINDSET FOR THIS.

Jade: do you want to put it off?

Karkat: NO!!! FUCK THAT!!! I MEAN, THANK YOU FOR OFFERING, BUT GOD DAMN IM DONE WITH THAT SHIT. LET ME JUST BRING UP THE FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM AND THEN ASK SOME QUESTIONS THERE.

Dave: sounds like a good enough set up

Dave: i mean you announcing that is what you are going to do it definitely takes away from the effect you are going for i think

Jade: why would it?

Dave: idk i feel like youre supposed to act like its a naturally forming conversation

Dave: that way you get the full unfiltered real reaction

Dave: like self awareness ruins it i guess

Jade: thats dumb! The more self aware we are about it the more honest we are being about the whole situation

Jade: it would be dumb to trap ourselves in these rituals just for the sake of preforming them, to the detriment of our actual happiness!!!!

Jade: sooooooooooo

Karkat: YEAH, SO, REMEMBER JUNE’S BIRTHDAY?

Dave: mhm

Karkat: …WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THAT?

Jade: oh my god

Dave: hahahaha dude

Dave: whats the deal with junes birthday

Dave: happens once a year

Dave: but like

Dave: its not even just junes birthday

Dave: so why do we all just call it junes birthday

Jade: dumb

Dave: harsh

Karkat: OKAY FUCK I’M SORRY GOD DAMN!! IF MY INTERROGATION SKILLS AREN’T UP TO YOUR STANDARDS, FEEL FREE TO INTERJECT WHENEVER!!

Karkat: NOT LIKE I'M TRYING TO GET SOME HARD-HITTING EMOTIONAL FEELINGS OUT IN THE OPEN AND SHIT, GOD DAMN.

Karkat: DAVE, CAN YOU CUT THE BULLSHIT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE THINKING?

Karkat: TO BE MORE SPECIFIC; WE ALL

Karkat: WELL… YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!! I JUST WANT TO KNOW… WHAT’S GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

Karkat: BECAUSE IT’S SOMETHING. SOMETHING BIG ENOUGH THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ACTIVELY AVOIDING IT FOR HALF A YEAR.

Karkat: SO PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT YOU HOLD DEAR… WHAT’S GOING ON?

The two of them stare at Dave. His heart sinks as their eyes melt all of the barriers he has in place to keep his feelings and dumb emotions from taking over.

Dave: okay so

Dave: heres whats up

Dave: please dont interrupt btw im like

Dave: incredibly sensitive right now if you cant tell from the tone of my voice

Dave: im like all kinds of wounded about all this shit so dont make fun of me or else ill have a meltdown right here right now

Dave: and we cant be having that shit

Jade: alright

Karkat: YEAH, OKAY.

Dave: alright so heres how it went down

Dave: we were all having a great night

Dave: and honestly it was all great like it was a fun time and we were just so tired we all passed out on the couch with the tv on

Dave: i dont really know what was on tv i think it was that all troll cooking show

Dave: what the fuck is that show called again

Dave: doesnt matter

Dave: but like

Dave: we were all like

Dave: very close and shit

Dave: which is fine

Dave: but um

Dave: i was the first to wake up and like

Dave: um

Dave: well you see like

Dave: there was

Dave: there was a situation with the uh

Dave: boners

The room is silent. After a while Karkat breaks and starts chuckling under his breath.

Jade: wait so like

Jade: a situation?

Jade: what was the situation?

Dave: boners was the situation really

Jade: … whos boner?

Dave: i mean is that really relevant

Dave: the bottom line is there were boners

Dave: boners happened

Jade: okay and

Karkat: LMFAO.

Jade: so like

Jade: this was embarrassing?

Dave: i mean

Dave: yes

Jade: and so you decided to act like you couldnt talk to me for five and a half months because you… had an embarrassing boner.

Jade: really?

Dave: i mean when you say it like that it sounds fucking stupid

Jade: okay so how would you say it?

Dave: well the thing is apparently i wouldnt say it i would avoid saying it for as long as possible until forced into having a conversation about it

Dave: dude dont laugh im being vulnerable

Karkat: HOW?

Karkat: HOW DO I NOT LAUGH AT THIS? I WOULD GENUINELY LOVE TO KNOW.

Karkat: IS IT POSSIBLE TO LEARN THAT KIND OF POWER?

Dave: alright well like

Dave: im talking about it now so like

Dave: no biggie right

Jade: its been almost half a year

Dave: yeaaaaah alright ill admit thats not good

Dave: but um

Dave: lets talk now

Dave: assuming i havent ruined it for yall with my boner issues

Dave: not that i have issues with boners like

Dave: oh my god i literally just explained the boner situation why would you think i have boner issues

Dave: what even does boner issues even mean jesus

Dave: why am i so constantly fucking embarrassing god damn

Karkat: HEY DUDE, CHILL OUT, YOU’RE WORKING YOURSELF UP OVER THIS FOR BASICALLY NO REASON.

Karkat: I MEAN, YES YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING PERSON ALL THE TIME.

Dave: thanks

Karkat: BUT I DON’T THINK ANY OF US ARE IN ANY PLACE TO REALLY JUDGE?

Karkat: AT LEAST NOT BEYOND LAUGHING AT YOU FOR A BIT AND THEN FORGETTING ABOUT IT.

Dave: yeah thats fair enough

Dave: huh this kind of makes this convo way easier doesnt it

Dave: like hearing about why i was avoiding this must make it way easier to talk about why you were avoiding this right

Dave: like yeah maybe its hard to talk about emotionally but at least it isnt the penis ouija of insecurities

Dave: which my life seems to just be the penis ouija of lives so like i might as well just go all in on that shit yknow

Dave: fuck maybe luxury polyamorous salami party or whatever the fuck it was is the most fitting end to a life of nonstop boner situations

Dave: like the idea of me having a boner situation is kind of ridiculous because like

Dave: youre like wait a new one

Dave: but no its just the same continuous lifelong boner situation

Dave: why am i still talking about boner situations

Dave: someone please stop me

Jade: gladly!!!

Jade: jeez ive been way too quiet for way too long

Jade: dont get me wrong, you boys have got to get your words out but

Jade: i also kind of have a hard time speaking up about this at all anymore!!

Jade: like, ive told you how i feel about you two…

Jade: and you have finally started working on your relationship with each other! your one year anniversary is coming up!

Jade: and i dont want to get in the way of that i guess

Jade: if you guys are ready i want to finally *actually* hear your voices on this and so

Jade: when you do i just want you guys to know that im fine with whatever you come up with

Jade: as long as its genuine

The two boys ponder for a few moments. Neither of them knows who should talk first. They both separately have a moment where they realize this is the point of no return where they could hypothetically leave now and go back to a life of ignoring this love triangle.

Dave: so like

Dave: ive done a lot of psychoanalysis on myself about this lmao

Dave: something that makes this so shitty to talk about is like

Dave: okay god I just realized im really fucking scared right now

Jade: if we need to we can pull back and recuperate if you need!

Dave: alright thanks

Dave: i think ill be okay

Dave: something that makes it so hard to talk about is that like

Dave: i like you jade

Dave: i really do

Dave: like all this time falling in love with karkat and my opinion about you hasnt really changed but

Dave: theres something blocking that thought process because

Dave: if rose was to see this she would probably say that you represent something to me

Dave: and im not all that sure what it is but its kind of freaky and im sorry i dont have a better reason

Karkat: I MEAN ITS YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY RIGHT?

Dave: i mean i already know im bisexual like

Dave: i know liking jade doesnt make me any less bi

Karkat: YEAH BUT IT’S STILL A RETURN TO FORM ON SOME LEVEL SO LIKE…

Karkat: IT WOULD KINDA MAKE SENSE IF IT FEELS LIKE BACKPEDALING ON SOMETHING YOU WORKED REALLY HARD FOR.

Dave: i guess

Dave: it really isnt anything personal jade fuck

Dave: this isnt your fault at all I just

Jade: no i get it

Jade: honestly im just so glad weve gotten this far? i care about you a lot and i want to know if this is a concern of yours!!

Jade: this can end now and ive gotten more closure i thought i would ever get last year…

Jade: so lets keep it up

Jade: karkat it sounded like you were kind of speaking from experience

Jade: so how do you feel about… me? this?

Jade: everything

Karkat: BECAUSE I GUESS I REALLY AM.

Karkat: MY MAIN ISSUE WITH ALL YOUR ADVANCES HAS ALWAYS BEEN HOW QUADRANT CENTRIC IT WAS?

Karkat: AND BEFORE YOU SAY YOU THINK QUADRANTS ARE DUMB ANYWAY, IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!! YOU STILL PUT US IN QUADRANTS IN YOUR HYPOTHETICAL AND IT ALWAYS MADE ME REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT.

Jade: oh… oh?

Jade: i dont know if i understand yet

Karkat: LISTEN, JADE… I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR KISMESIS.

Karkat: JUST LIKE I NEVER WANTED TO BE DAVE’S MOIRAIL. OR AT LEAST, NOT *JUST* MOIRAIL?

Karkat: I GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN IF I WANT TO DENOUNCE QUADRANTS ENTIRELY OR NOT BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO IGNORE THE TINGES OF PALE AND PITCH AND FLUSHED WE HAVE, HELL EVEN ASHEN SOMETIMES. NOT EVEN VACILATING BUT LIKE. SIMULTANIOUSLY?

Karkat: BUT I DON’T WANT ANY OF THAT ‘WE’RE IN QUADRANTS BUT WE AREN'T’ BULLSHIT. PLEASE.

Jade ponders to herself for a moment. She had definitely considered this as a struggle with Dave’s sexuality, but there are plenty of angles to this problem she hadn’t even considered. There are a lot of issues they have closed off from anyone other than each other. This is something beautiful, something they have that she cherishes with all her heart. And here they are, finally telling her that these issues are the only thing standing between them. She want’s to be that for them too. She sees them for how beautiful they are as people and knows them so well. She can’t imagine crashing daily on anyone else’s couch. Sometimes she wants to spend all her life cherishing her time with them as much as possible. She wants to marry them.

Wait, no. What? Why does she immediately jump to that? Why is her joy tied to theirs so tightly?

Jade: um

Jade: yeah thats fair!!

Jade: honestly i hadn’t even realized i was doing that? but i totally see that now!

Jade: and i think thats something i can totally accommodate for

Jade: i guess i never saw quadrants as a genuine societal pressure, more like a fun romance gimmick? Which is, in hindsight, really unfair.

Karkat: HOLY SHIT, YEAH, FUCKING THANK YOU!!

Karkat: I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO GO OVER YOUR HEAD, NO OFFENSE. SEEMS LIKE NOBODY REALLY TAKES THAT ISSUE SERIOUSLY? TO BE FAIR THE ONLY ONE WHO I TALK ABOUT IT WITH IS KANAYA AND DAVE SO. THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO EVEN HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?

Karkat: BUT STILL.

Jade: and dave… as much as it seems like i have transcended earths standards of sexuality, i totally get where youre coming from

Dave: yeah i think karkat kind of hit it on the nose it

Dave: it was definitely a situation where i just wanted to pick one you know

Dave: but you cant really put that kind of stipulation on yourself.

Dave: at least I cant put that stipulation on myself

Dave: truth be told

Dave: i may be really fucking gay but im also really fucking bi

Dave: and thats just something ive gotta accept

Jade: and embrace! you shouldnt feel obligated to force yourself to only love one kind of person!

Jade: just like i shouldnt feel obligated to force myself to love only one person period!

Jade: and i totally appreciate your journey! i honestly dont take any offense to that

Jade: but um. all that is assuming to you wanting to date me haha

Jade: which i guess… is the next thing to talk about?

Jade: obviously no is a very fair and sound answer!

Jade: but i want to hear it

Jade: so dave, karkat…

Jade: what do you think?


End file.
